There was only one letter left, before seeing to whom it was, she went out to look for Vincent, knowing him, he was probably in a bar, which was the first place Mary went to. Of course, she found him there, sitting alone with a shot of vodka untouched in front of him. As much as she hated being near him, she walked towards the man and sat next to him, passing him the note Ava had left for him, the old man grabbed it and read the few words that were in it.
Vincent,
Fuck you.
Ava
Vincent simply smiled at the words, he folded the note and pocketed it, he looked at Mary and nodded his head as a thank you before standing up and leaving the place, leaving his shot of vodka intact, Mary also left the place a few minutes later, after drinking some shots, and went back to Cat's Cradle, she got into her room and grabbed the box where the letters had been, there was only one left. The name was written on the envelope, Mary's heart skipped a beat as soon as she read it. It was for her.
If she wasn't ready to give the letters, she wasn't ready to read hers, but something in her, a small part, told her that she needed to, that she had to. So she did. She grabbed the envelope and left her room, going straight outside; she was standing on the back of Cat's Cradle, looking up the Chapel. She and Shannon used to climb up to the roof and sit on the edge on the night, it was sort of their safe and secret place, of course, they weren't allowed to be there, only Mother Superion and Beatrice found out, but they never said anything. They got that place one night, when Mary was thinking about just letting go, about falling from there, she knew she wouldn't survive that fall, maybe that's what she wanted. Before her mind decided what to do, she was found by Shannon, who sat next to her and heard her talk about her problems, it was probably the first time in years that Mary opened so much to someone, and Shannon just listened to her the whole time, comforting her once she was done venting. In that moment, right in the place where Mary was thinking about dying, she found a reason to live.
Camila caught her staring up and walked towards her, she looked at her confused, "What are you looking at?", she asked the older woman, finally getting her attention, Mary knew she could trust Camila, but talking about that spot was something she would never do, so she avoided the question entirely, "Have you seen Beatrice?", the younger woman nodded her head slowly, "How is she?", she asked, not really focusing on Camila, her mind still thinking about the letter, "She's a little better", she answers, fidgeting a little with her fingers.
Mary nodded her head, she smiled at Camila and put her hand on the younger girl's shoulder, "Thanks Cam", she said before walking away, realizing it was too early to climb to the top of the Chapel; she waited in her room until it was night, everyone knew Mary would come and go as she pleased, so when her friends didn't saw her at dinner, they didn't question it. Mary went outside once more, standing in front of the Chapel, putting the letter in her pocket, she slowly began climbing up, she hadn't done it in a while so it took her longer than usual to reach the top, but when she finally got there, she was blessed with the moon's light, this made her smile.
She sat on the edge, her legs falling on the air, she took the letter out of her pocket and stared at it for a few moments before opening the envelope and taking the paper sheet out, as soon as she read the first words, tears started to fall down her cheeks, she closed the paper sheet and took a deep breath. She was just like she was not many months ago, except, this time, Shannon wasn't with her.
They had had a rough mission, losing a Sister warrior, Mary had accepted it was her fault, she didn't follow her like she had been ordered to, it was her fault that they had lost their sister, that night they were having a memorial, but Mary was nowhere to be found, Shannon, Beatrice and Mother Superion knew immediately where she was, Shannon went for her as soon as Mother Superion nodded, allowing her to go out, she went and climbed the Chapel as fast as she could, she wasn't injured anymore but she was tired, so it took her more minutes than usual, but when she finally reached the top, she saw her lover curled up in a ball, and she looked so small, so scared, so fragile, way different than the Mary everyone else saw. "It was my fault", she said, already knowing why Shannon was there, Shannon didn't say anything, she simply sat besides her girlfriend and took her hand gently.
"You can't blame yourself for that", answered Shannon, she looked over at Mary, seeing the moon's light reflect on the tears the smaller woman had on the corner of her eyes. Mary looked back at her, trying her best to keep her tears inside, "She died because of me, if I had followed the plan, if I had stuck to it, if I had- if I had been responsible, if I had been there with her and fought together, this wouldn't have happened."
Mary stared blanky at the sky, more tears falling down her cheeks.
"You are right", Shannon said, Mary just stared blankly at her, confused, "If you had fought together, things would have gone different, but she didn't get hurt because of you, she got hurt because of me, she saved my life when the Halo was re charging, and you know it", she admitted, looking down to her feet, tears now on her eyes, "It was too late, Mary, we both know that", the shorter girl nodded her head slowly before hugging her partner, hiding her face. "It's okay, it's okay Mary, let it out."
More tears fell down her cheeks, she slowly started to take deep breaths, but they were useless, Mayr felt like she was running out of air, she started to gasp loudly, trying to get some air back in her lungs, but it was useless, she couldn't breath, she couldn't move, she was shaking, everything was becoming too much too quickly and she didn't know what to do.
"You're okay love, I know it's hard, but try to slow down, a deep breath in, and a deep breath out, you can do it", Shannon said, gently rubbing her girlfriend's back, trying to calm her down, Mary obeyed, taking deep breaths slowly until her breathing was almost normal.
A deep breath in, and a deep breath out. Mary followed this instructions until her breathing was back to normal. She once again opened the letter, staring at the words but not reading them, just admiring Ava's handwriting, finally noticing how much she improved. It was becoming dark, the clouds were slowly covering the moon's light, which made reading a little harder for Mary, but she didn't mind it.
They stayed up there for a while more, just admiring the moon while they were hugging, just existing, they were in complete silence until Shannon spoke, "Ready to go down?", she asked, once more taking Mary's hand and kissing the palm, Mary shook her head slowly before taking another deep breath, "No, let's go", and they climbed down.
In her mind, Mary remembered Shannon's question, she waited a few seconds before speaking, "No, let's go", she smiled softly and looked at the letter to read it. As soon as she saw her name in Ava's still kind of messy handwriting, she started to cry, but she kept going.
Mary,
I know this is the last letter, not only because I put it at the end, but because I knew you would take some time before being able to even hold this. So I'm sorry, I've been honest in all the letters I wrote but, in this one, especially on this one, I will be extremely honest because there are so many things I have to tell you that I was afraid to say before but now I don't give a fuck because I'm going to die. It feels weird to say, I know that I will die but writing it feels weird, I don't know how to explain it, I don't know how to explain a lot of things, and I wish I could stay more time because I want to learn how to explain those things, I want to stay more time here, with you, Camila, Mother Superion, with all of you. I really want to live.
Mary you have no idea of how much I'm hating myself as I'm writing this, of how much I've been hating myself since I started writing these letters, of how much I've been mad lately because I know what has to happen, I know what I have to do, I know how to do it and I know how it will end, but I can't help but wonder if there's another way, I know there isn't, I know this is the only way, but, it doesn't hurt to imagine, right?
It won't hurt to hope there is salvation for me, to hope that after the fight I will still be here, and that I will able to stay with Beatrice and we'll live a normal life, and that I will be able to hang out with you and Camila and everyone else without having to worry about demons or wraiths or a fucking angel, right? I wish it didn't, because I wish I could live all of this, I wish this could be my life, I wish I didn't depend on the Halo. Mary I will get hurt, and the Halo won't be able to save me, it won't be able to heal me this time, and it scares me.
I'm so scared Mary, I really am, everyone knows that but they don't know how scared I am right now, you know how it feels, but not how I feel, I just got a life, I got the ability to walk and run and feel everything I ever wanted to feel and I'm going to lose all of that.
Well, not all, because I'll still feel love for you, and everyone else, except Vincent. Love will be something that I know I will feel forever, even after I'm dead, because of you, of you specifically, you were the first one to show true care for me, Mary, and that's something I'm going to be grateful for even after the fight, you were my first friend, the first person to trust in me. You trusted in me to kill demons, and you trusted in me to come back, and you trusted in me to fight with you, and you have trusted in me forever, and you have no idea of how happy I was when I realized that, you have no idea how happy it made me know that someone actually trusted and believed in me, after years of nothing, you came and you showed me that you knew I could do good in life, that I could be helpful. And you have no fucking idea of how scared I was after the first fight with Adriel, I thought we had lost you for good, and there was no way I was going to be able to deal with that pain. And now I'm sorry because you will have to deal with it.
I still have that little hope of things being able to be different, I still hope I get to live because there are so many things I still want to do in this life, and I want to do it with all of you. But, I wouldn't change this for anything, if someone gave me the option of a normal life and this crazy life I had, I would choose this one a million times, because I got to meet amazing people I wouldn't have met any other way, and I got to fall in love with an amazing woman and I got the best big sister in the whole world, you. I know you're not technically a Sister, but you're my big sister want it or not, although I don't think you'll have a problem with that; you just, you just appeared and somehow got that spot in my life and you belonged there and now I can't think of a life without you, I can't think of a life without all of you.
And it scares me because that's what awaits me after this fight. I'm going to be alone, I mean, I'll probably get to meet Shannon, Bea said she was nice, maybe we can become friends, but, it won't be the same without you. I'm sorry for, being a constant reminder of Shannon's death, I know it's hard to lose someone you love a lot, and, it must be harder to, have a constant reminder of that fact.
And I was that constant reminder, an annoying one, I know, and I'm truly sorry for that; if, if I could I would absolutely give Shannon the Halo back, it saved my life, it could save hers too, right? I, I would do it, I would really do it because she's stronger and smarter than me and she wouldn't die in this fight. But, again, I want to live, and, I think we both know something, as much as she wanted to live, she was also tired, I don't know how I know it, but I do, I feel like I know she wanted the Halo out from her, she wanted to rest, to just exist without this thing on her back. She wanted to live a normal life with you. Don't ask how I know this, I just do, and I don't even really know it, but I feel it. I'm still sorry for all of this, everything I caused and every time you thought of Shannon when you looked at me, and you can't say you didn't, I saw it in your eyes, I saw how painful it was for you to look at me sometimes, and I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry for taking everything as a joke, and I'm sorry for always making fun of things and I'm sorry for running away at first, and for not training more and not being stronger and smarter and not being the Halo bearer you needed. And I'm sorry for being the only one you had.
I know I was stubborn, more like, I'm stubborn, and I know that at the beginning I made things really hard for you, and I know things would have been a lot easier if you had let Lilith kill me, or you had killed me yourself, and even though you had every reason to, you didn't. I can't thank you enough for that because I would have missed so many things that I wanted to live. I'm also grateful because you were the first one to see me as I was, Ava, everyone else saw me as a mistake, or the wrong Halo bearer, or just the Halo bearer you had, but you, you looked past that, you ignored what I became and focused on who I was, you were the first one to do that in my entire life, I can't thank you enough for all of that. All of this.
I'm sorry for so so many things but, I wouldn't have changed anything, I believe that everything that happened was what lead me to this, every mistake I made brought me here, today. I would choose to keep things the way they are right now a billion times, which Bea said is bigger than a million, so it's a big number, but it's not enough. I will always choose to keep things the way they are right now because I love what it brought me, it brought me a lover, and a mom, and sisters, and basically a family. It's been years since I felt like I had a family but with you guys I always feel like I'm exactly where I need to be.
But still I'm sorry for so many more things, you were right about something, you do lose people when you're around me, first you lost Shannon, and then Lilith, and after them, even after Lilith came back, you almost lost Camila, and I can't tell you how sorry I am for that, I know it's my fault for not being stronger, or it's just my bad luck. Or maybe, the bad luck that follows everyone that is with me, because I'm fucking sure that my bad luck ended as soon as I met you, but it seemed like my bad luck got to you and everyone else, you were all in danger because of me, again, I'm sorry. I can't write down everything I'm sorry for, because it would be a very long list and my time is limited, but I wanted you to know that I'm sorry for everything I did and didn't do.
And Mary, you have no idea of how much I love you and how important you are to me, you have been important since the moment I met you, well, not exactly, probably since that night at the cave, or maybe since the moment you went to search for me even with an injured leg, but you, you changed my life. And it's true, I'm not lying about this one, you really changed my life, I can't be more grateful, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude right now, and I'm still scared, but I will give my life for yours a trillion times. This few months I spent with you were amazing, and it was all because of you, because we are similar, we are both stubborn and because you didn't give up on me. You were the first one to see me and think of me as Ava, the first one that didn't give up on me, the first one who understood me and the first one who just liked me as I was, as I am, just Ava. And I love you so much for that. I love you more than you will ever know, I don't have words and I don't know a number big enough for you to understand how much I fucking love you.
Mary, you were the best big sister I could have, and you were also my first friend, and I'll forever be grateful for that. And for everything you did for me.
With all the love that exists in this and the other realm, the stubborn girl whose life you changed,
Ava.
Mary finished reading the letter with tears falling onto the edge of the roof and on her pants, her hands clenching into fists, wrinkling the paper that now had some tears on it. She was just staring at it, many thoughts in her mind, yet not a single one was complete, she wanted to scream, she wanted to yell, to punch something, to break stuff, she wanted to just fall, just like she wanted to many moons ago. She was ready. She had lost Shannon and she had lost Ava and she wasn't ready to lose anyone else.
But then the clouds disappeared, well, not exactly, they had moved, letting the light of the moon hit Mary right in the face, she looked up to the moon, and she remembered how much Ava loved watching the moon. And she remembered how much Shannon loved watching the moon.
And it clicked, both Ava and Shannon gave up on their lives just so everyone else could live, they both loved the small moments in the every day activities, they both loved the rain, and the sun, and the moon and the stars and they both enjoyed the feeling of just existing. Yet, they gave all that up, to give everyone else more time to live, to give Mary more time to live. If she jumped, it would be like she wasn't appreciating what they did for them, for her, the sacrifice they didn't want to do, yet they did it.
Mary would miss Ava, but then she remembered that Ava wasn't truly gone, yet, and that they still had the chance to bring her back. She held both Shannon's collar and Ava's letter close to her chest, and taking a deep breath in, she promised herself what she had promised everyone, "We'll bring her back, no matter what". She opened her eyes and looked back at the moon, seeing how it shined a little bit more. Just like Divinium would whenever Shannon or Ava were close. She didn't know who was doing it, but it didn't matter, she understood what it meant. That no matter what, Ava will be back.
So that night, right in the place and moment when she thought about jumping, Mary found another reason to live. For the second time.
Although she wishes Shannon was next to her. She also wishes the same with Ava.