cardigan

"Hey mom, check this out!"

From the kitchen sink, where Pepper was spending far too much time staring at a photo tacked to the fridge as she dried their dinner plates, she forced herself to put a smile on her lips and face the small child behind her.

When she turned, her blue eyes fell on Morgan, the four year old standing in the middle of the bright lighting of the living space. She'd gotten over it a lot quicker than anyone else had. Granted, she was a child, so despite how close they were, she just didn't understand death the same way.

But her choice of attire stunned Pepper, nearly making her drop the glass she was holding onto the floor where it would shatter into a thousand pieces if it ever made it there.

"Where did you get that?!" the red head gasped, setting everything down to confront her daughter.

She was dressed in one simple shirt, the hem of it almost touching the hardwood floor around her ankles because of how much bigger it was than her. It was blue. Knit. A smiley face imprinted in a faded pattern on the front. And...it was dad's.

"I found Daddy's cardigan under your bed!" Morgan celebrated, doing a spin and twirl and letting the long arms flap out around her as she went.

"Why were you under my bed?!" Pepper challenged.

But the kid was definitely Tony's daughter. "Why was daddy's cardigan under the bed?!"

Normally, Pepper would be more pressing, but she was still emotionally lost to everything. Six months later and no relief. Sure, she was good at a strong face for everyone else, but internally, she was screaming. Sobbing. Still breaking. So she could only sigh, deciding it was bed time for both of them.

"Come on," she instructed, motioning toward the wooden stair case around the other side of the couch. "Bed time. Get that thing off and put your pajamas on, and make sure you-"

"Make sure I brush my teeth, I know! Geez, mom!" she dramatically groaned with a roll of her eyes, and then her small feet were thudding against the floor as she carried herself up to her room.

Pepper followed slowly, stuck back in yet another memory she was trying to avoid thinking about since they lost him. That, in fact, was also the reason most of his things had migrated to gather under their bed, so she still had them close, but wouldn't have them constantly reminding her of how sad she was during the night when she wasn't busy trying to regroup Stark Industries.

Tony adored that stupid sweater. He'd bought it long before the cabin. Actually, she pointed it out once while catalog shopping at home, just admiring how unique it was, and he took that to mean he needed to buy it as if it was the only article of clothing he would ever own that she would approve of and wouldn't have to dress him herself. He'd had it two days later and wore it on a casual date night to dinner, where she was almost late because of work, and then spent the entire night trying to program the new phone he designed for her to keep their calendars sorted out.

She regretted that wasted time to this day.

Vintage tee, brand new phone

High heels on cobblestones

When you are young, they assume you know nothing

"Do you miss him?" was the first thing Morgan asked when Pepper made it into her room to tuck her in, nothing but the dim light of her bedside lamp illuminating the child's face.

She didn't look sad. She was just curious. She was as good as Tony at hiding her feelings.

"Of course I do," her mom reassured her, pulling the blankets up over the girl.

"You never talk about him."

Pepper really didn't need this tonight, but she couldn't be upset with Morgan. She didn't understand, once again.

She opened her mouth to answer, but found her heart aching, so she shut it quickly and pressed her lips together, patting her daughter's hair back as she layed down against her pillow. "What do you want to know?"

She fake thought for a moment, or so it seemed. She gave that exaggerated thinking expression, as if racking her brain for the best question she could come up with if she only got one. Pepper just hoped she only had one for right now.

"How did you start dating?"

Sequin smile, black lipstick

Sensual politics

When you are young, they assume you know nothing

It was a simple question. Well, it would be if it wasn't them. But Tony Stark and Pepper Potts did not have an easy history, and trying to explain that to a child wasn't going to go over well for after eight on a Tuesday night.

"Your dad and I worked together," she reminded Morgan. "Haven't we talked about this before?"

"So? I want to hear it again!"

That made Pepper laugh, and of course she couldn't contain it.

"Your father hired me to work for him and after many, many years, we decided we liked each other, and we had our first kiss, and then we had you!" she teased.

"That's not the whole story!" Morgan scowled, so much like Stark.

It killed Pepper to see that similar face - the same one Tony made when Pepper told him 'no' and he didn't accept that answer but had to because it was Pepper. Whether or not it was assistant Pepper, CEO Pepper, or wife Pepper, she was always the only one who got to tell him 'no'.

Snickering to herself, Pepper did quickly breeze through memories of their early days. Tony, out for a party, needing a ride home before the press got ahold of it. That was well before the Iron Man days, when he would more than occasionally be picked up off the street with a bottle of scotch in hand and half his clothes on. It was still better than the nights he took a swim before getting into their car upon demand.

But I knew you

Dancin' in your Levi's

Drunk under a streetlight, I

I knew you

Hand under my sweatshirt

Baby, kiss it better, I

Pepper missed those early days sometimes. Even if they weren't together, they had their moments. He was almost fun to take care of. Almost.

Then things got dark. Iron Man became a thing, they got involved with things they didn't know enough about. Things outside of work. Things like outer space and Thanos, and...

Clearing her head, Pepper swallowed down those awful thoughts that were bound to hurt her again, just before bed, and kissed her daughter goodnight. There was no good version of their 'how we met' story that she could tell a kid, so all she was getting was the condensed version until she was older.

"That's all we have time for tonight," she lied, though Morgan kept her pout. "Remind me this weekend, we'll have uncle Happy tell you all about daddy, okay?"

Thankfully, she agreed, and on Pepper's way out, she grabbed the sweater from the floor where Morgan had tossed it and carried it with her into the hall.

She pulled the door closed to a crack behind her, but her focus was on the blue sweat shirt in her hands. That ignorant smiley face mocked her, smiling up at her from the fabric as if everything was okay. Everything was not okay. The damn thing still smelled like him, even with all this time passed, as if it was still that last day they all had lunch and he gave her the biggest kiss on her cheek before retrieving Morgan in the yard. His hug and the familiar feeling of that goatee of his on her face surrounded her, still. It was comforting. It was unfair.

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan

Under someone's bed

You put me on and said I was your favorite

And she hated it. She hated that he chose to protect all of his friends over himself. She hated that he had to be the super hero. That he chose to leave them, and leave her with nothing but his damn cardigan, as if that was a proper replacement.

But she loved it at the same time, because God, did he come a long way. He'd progressed so far, from being caught in threesomes in the morning in bed when he should've been in meetings to having a committed relationship with someone important in his life and dedicating himself to caring for their daughter. After all, this was what he wanted to die for, wasn't it? So they could live? So everyone could live?

He should've lived.

A friend to all is a friend to none

Chase two girls, lose the one

When you are young, they assume you know nothing

They should've had more time. They should've had camping nights with Morgan in the yard. They should've gotten a dog. Learned to fish in the lake. Taught her to drive at an insanely early age because she was a Stark and she was already learning how to build his suits at four and a half. She should've met a boy and brought him home to Tony and watched as he went into cardiac arrest over the fact that she was dating.

He should've lived, and it would always curse her.

Pepper shifted to the bedroom, ready to put the sweater back in it's resting place, but for some reason, she longed for more comfort than usual tonight, and she surprised herself.

She tossed it on, lying it over the t shirt she was wearing that she'd changed into after work to cook dinner, and her mind flashed back to the last time she'd worn it to bed.

Directly after he'd had his open heart surgery, Tony insisted on spending the weekend in New York, at the Avengers tower, and surprised Pepper at the last minute as she was moving some things of hers back into their suite from the hospital. They'd basically lived in the medical wing, so it was nice to be home, and all she wanted to do was fall into bed and let the soft down engulf her exhausted body, but that wasn't going to happen.

Tony was too worked up. Too anxious she was actually packing to leave, seeing as he'd just had to reverse a horrible super power and extract it from her, and then insisted on putting himself into a major surgery straight away after that. Yes, she really hated that stupid arc and the suits at that point, but she didn't expect him to actually do anything about it.

He'd shown up in the bedroom, white suit and neat hair, and insisted they were getting dressed up and going out. She couldn't say not to how well he was dressed, so as she finished unpacking, which involved laying his clothes out on the bed to be put away, she agreed and accepted his invitation to dinner and a walk through the High Line park, where he'd eventually give her what was left of his heart, packaged on a metal chain to go around her neck.

That sweater was left on top of the bed until they returned.

But I knew you

Playin' hide-and-seek and

Givin' me your weekends, I

I knew you

Your heartbeat on the High Line

Once in twenty lifetimes, I

"That's the last time you make me put on a fancy dress in the winter!" Pepper joked upon their return, immediately tossing her hair aside so he could help her unzip it and get into something warmer.

She was laughing, though, and Tony felt a million times better after their night out.

"You could've worn nothing," he offered with all sincerity, causing her to roll her eyes, then turn back to him and place a soft kiss on his lips.

As she smiled against him, he groaned, and started to shimmy out of his suit jacket, letting it drop to the floor behind him.

"You could wear nothing right now," he followed up into their kiss.

"I'm freezing!" she giggled stupidly, lost in their private moment.

"You know, I might know a thing or two that could fix that..."

"Is that so, Mr Stark?"

Biting her lip, Pepper ended their exchange and stepped back to let her dress pool at her feet, lying down on the floor with the white jacket. She watched as he sucked in a breath and then before she knew it, she was being lifted up by the waist and carried to the bed.

And as he laid her back on the mattress in a fit of giggles, he shoved the remaining folded laundry off the comforter and let it pile up on the floor where all of the clothes seemed to belong that night.

"Tony!" Pepper gasped, but was laughing still. "I just folded all of that!"

He ignored her, kissing her into silence, so she let herself go and focused on their intimate moment.

She'd picked the sweater up off of the floor to sleep in afterwards, still shivering despite their workout.

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan

Under someone's bed

You put me on and said I was your favorite

Pepper needed air. She hadn't thought about those early days in so long. Not since the funeral, really. She'd blocked it all out. And it hurt. A lot.

Instead of going to bed early to sleep off the pain, she grabbed a bottle of scotch he'd left half drank from a cabinet in their bedroom that was code locked, though she knew Morgan would figure it out eventually. She hadn't had a drink in a while, and scotch...was not her go to drink. But it was his, and right now, she needed to feel him.

No glass, just the bottle, and her bare feet carried her back down stairs, quietly running outside as if she was running from something chasing her.

She was, really. The memories, following her and all she wanted was to either stop feeling or have her husband back. She wanted to hug him, or kiss him, or just fucking talk to him, not...think about the hundreds of times he tried to make out in the car on the way home from an event, putting the divider up between them and Happy in the driver's seat, or how she had to wrap his damaged hands in bandages nearly once a week when he started up on the damn suits again.

The little things meant everything right now, but seemingly nothing back then.

To kiss in cars and downtown bars

Was all we needed

You drew stars around my scars

But now I'm bleedin'

Was she an alcoholic since then? No. Did she have more than an occasional drink on the really bad nights? Maybe. Nothing to ever jeopardize herself or Morgan's safety, but enough to kill the way her heart hurt and let her sleep at least few hours.

Pepper cursed herself as she let her feet carry her down the stairs outside and over the dried pine needles that coated the pathway to the pier against the lake. She ignored the alpaca that was left longing for his adoptive dad in the pen to her left; she couldn't handle it right now. Happy fed him earlier before he left to go home, so that was enough for tonight.

She'd avoided the pier since the funeral. She wanted to leave him with that day, to try to heal herself, but it was apparent that wasn't the way it was going to happen.

But she tripped on a root of one of the trees as she rushed over the yard and fell to her knees, shattering the bottle as it slipped from her hand and leaked the last thing that had touched Tony's lips besides her own to seep away into the Earth.

And that broke her. Something a little as that broke her, because she didn't realize she was clinging on to virtually everything she could mentally until it was gone.

She collapsed there, letting the tears drown her face, and she grabbed what was left of the bottle and tossed it with what little energy she had left into the water. She was upset, but she was angry. What was the point? What the hell was the point of letting him have the family he finally knew he wanted just to rip it all away from him?

"You're an ass, Tony!" she cried into the night, hoping Morgan wouldn't wake up, because mommy really needed time to vent. "You're such an ass for making me love you and just...throwing us away!"

She knew he didn't throw them away, but it made her feel better.

"You didn't have to go! I told you to drop the time machine shit and stay home, but you had to be the hero, didn't you?!"

Six very short months ago, she'd watched him walk right back over the very ground she sat on, towel draped over his shoulder after feeding his animals in their pens. That damn smirk on his face, just like the one on the sweater she was now wearing again, lighting up his face. He had no idea how much his life would change within the following two days. None at all. Neither did she.

'Cause I knew you

Steppin' on the last train

Marked me like a bloodstain, I

I knew you

Tried to change the ending

Peter losing Wendy, I

"I needed our hero here," she cried quietly, quickly settling down as she stared up at the dark sky above, stars shimmering down and bathing her in soft light. "Your daughter needed her hero to come home..."

The sky reminded her so much of the night he did come home, when Carol had brought him back with Nebula. She remembered the same feeling of cool ground under her feet as she ran outside. The hope she held, if only a very little, that he'd step off that ship alive. She held even smaller hope now that this was just a dream and he'd be flying back to Earth just like he had that day.

Fuck, if he never got on that damn space ship to begin with, he'd be there! Wouldn't he?

She'd never know that outcome; that reality was erased when he ran away to save the day.

I knew you

Leavin' like a father

Runnin' like water, I

And when you are young, they assume you know nothing

All energy had left her body after yelling at the empty sky. It faded fast, but it was necessary.

"I miss you," Pep whispered to no one but herself, because all that dreaming about him floating back down from space out of the sky was just that - dreaming.

He'd fell down from the sky twice already in life. Third time should be the charm, right?

If only life worked in the mysterious ways of affirmations.

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss

I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs

The smell of smoke would hang around this long

'Cause I knew everything when I was young

Closing her eyes, she tried to calm herself down. But instead of focusing on Morgan or work or...anything except for him, she thought about just that; Tony.

She thought about that stupid hope that he really would appear one day without her knowing it, telling her something insane like the Avengers had to make him keep it secret, or he'd skipped to one of that wizard's other worlds to hide out for a bit. She imagined exactly what she wanted instead of reliving memories, and somehow it comforted her just like his cardigan.

Because if he somehow were before her on that pier, she wasn't sure if she'd yell at him or kiss him or be too afraid to confront him.

Every consideration was played through in her mind. She pictured him there, with Morgan, and herself enjoying the sunset. She pictured his smile, his dark eyes, and that lingering enthusiasm over some scientific advancement he was working on in secret in his workshop on the makeshift garage. She pictured what life would be like if none of this had happened and he was still here.

But...would they still be here if everything was different?

I knew I'd curse you for the longest time

Chasing shadows in the grocery line

I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired

And you'd be standin' in my front porch light

And I knew you'd come back to me

You'd come back to me

And you'd come back to me

And you'd come back

She didn't know if changing the past would help, but the small moment of insanity that she had as she settled her breathing and held her eyes shut helped Pepper calm down enough to be presentable to her child again.

A lingering smile graced her lips as her head focused on that happy spot, that place in the back of her mind where she'd forever keep Tony's memory in case she needed it like this. That place she could go to to pretend that he was still with them, because that was still more than what was under her bed.

And he'd be wearing that smiley face cardigan, because anything else would not be appropriate.

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan

Under someone's bed

You put me on and said I was your favorite

But as quickly as the adult in the yard had developed this dream world with her late husband still at her side, she had to extract herself from it and come back to reality.

Tony wasn't coming back. Tony was gone. But she wasn't, and neither was Morgan, who was stammering out through the door, rubbing her eyes when Pepper looked back at the house.

"Mommy, I had a dream about daddy," the four year old whined, sleepy and moody.

So Pepper dried her eyes on the sweater, taking in the fading scent of Stark's old cologne on more time before going back to her mom duties and returning the faded smiley face to it's proper place under her bed until the next time she had to put it on and relive his memory.