Chapter 4
Steve would not lie and say that his life had completely changed for the better since his Christmas with the Collins family. Life was still….difficult. Being transported into the 21st century had, at the very least, been traumatic. Steve would have never used that word during his first year out of the ice, and he hesitated to think it now. However, after hearing the words “PTSD” and “Trauma” spoken to him (or behind his back) by various SHIELD doctors...the idea had stuck. He still refused to actually speak to a shrink, he wasn't sure he trusted them, but he knew he probably should. People said that therapy was a much more common thing these days, but his mind told him that they would lock him up in the crazy house and kick him off the Avengers. It was hard to shake the 1940’s psychologists from his head and accept how the field had changed while he was frozen.
So yes, it was hard and painful at times. More often than not Steve felt it was blindingly obvious how much he did not fit in. Yet sometimes...there were these moments that reminded him that this century wasn’t all that bad. So much had changed, but there were still people here, people he could care for and who could care for him. They could never replace those who he left behind, but maybe that was okay. Maybe they did not need to replace those who he lost because he had room in his heart for both. The list of people he loved had space for those from his old life and those from his new one.
Steve used to kinda view his life in two parts. Before and after he died. He knew he had not actually died, but it felt like he had in so many ways. It felt like he was in purgatory. Or just...stuck? He felt like even though he was not literally frozen, he was frozen or stuck in a world he did not know. Now...now Steve was starting to see it as just two separate chapters of his life. Ever since his Christmas at the Collins’ house, the first time he had ever escaped that deep lonely feeling he had associated with the 21st century, Steve had started to see the good in this world.
Once, when Steve was on the helicarrier after a particularly difficult mission he had sat in silence since takeoff. His mind went over all the things he could have done better. His head spun with “could have-” and “Should have-” scenarios. He was zoned out enough from his surroundings that he didn’t even notice Tony approaching until his hand showed up right in front of his face. Steve blinked slowly, his mind taking a moment to catch up with his eyes and process what he was looking at. Steve looked at the steel screw-top bottle, and then looked up at Tony’s face.
“What is this?” Steve asked.
“Call it a smoothie I guess” Tony responded, moving it closer to Steve.
Steve took the bottle from Tony, raising an eyebrow. He unscrewed the bottle and took a sniff. It smelled pleasant, a vague berry smell hit his nose. Steve looked back up at Tony, hoping for a further explanation.
Tony sighed a bit, a year ago Steve would have read it as an ‘i’m tired of you’ sigh. Now, Steve knew it was more of an ‘I’m uncomfortable because I'm doing something nice and that makes me vulnerable to you’ sigh. It was something he had picked up once he started hanging around the Avengers more outside of missions. Tony was a helper, he liked to do things for people when he could. However, he did not like the attention that came with it. This was shocking because Steve had first met the cocky, attention seeking side of Tony Stark. The longer he spent with the man, he realized there were layers to him, and he often gave people things without expecting a ‘thank you'.
“I noticed how tired you get. I also noticed how fucking hungry you are, especially after missions. I put two and two together, did some calculations and figured you need way more calories than most people.” Tony said with a shrug, “So I made this. It’s a super protein shake for a super-soldier. That thing has enough calories to make me need to resize my pants, but you don’t seem to have that problem”
Steve smiled before taking a sip. It actually tasted good. He found himself taking another sip, and for once he actually felt like it was doing something for him. Usually food seemed to funnel into his body with hardly any impact. Even when he wasn't post-mission, he often felt slightly hungry most of the time. Steve couldn't help the surprised chuckle that escaped his mouth, before he looked back up at Tony.
“Wow, Tony I don’t even know what to say...can I get more of these?”
Tony’s face practically lit up, even though he tried to hide it, “Sure Cap, I’ll have them delivered to your department”
And he had. Steve had a steady supply of these shakes delivered to his place, and he always had some in his kitchen. He not only drank them after workouts or missions, but he found himself drinking them after lunch some days. It was nice to feel...cared for? Steve hated to admit it, but every time he received a new pack of the custom-made smoothies he felt noticed. Tony had observed Steve, noticed something about him and then spent his own time trying to help.
So here Steve was, Christmas shopping with one of Tony’s smoothies in his hand. He had already grabbed a few toys for the young Collins boys, and now he was looking for a gift to give the adults. He was leaning towards some nice wine to bring to dinner and then a board game of sorts. He knew the family loved to play board games, so he figured that could be a nice gift. He was also considering adding an assortment of nice cheeses? They had been clear that they did not want anything fancy. They knew Steve had some backpay from his time in the ice. He had some cash in the bank he could spend, but they hardly ever let Steve spend it on them. He figured they might accept some food as a gift.
Steve had felt a warm burst of...happiness? When he had been invited to the Collins family Christmas this year. Of course he had said yes, last christmas had changed his life. He had started spending more time with the Avengers, he had even moved into the tower in June. After realizing he could accept love in this century from the Collins, and that he was still capable of giving it, he decided to put an effort into connecting with his team. Sure there had been bumps along the way, but he was happy he had put himself out there. He had been afraid to make friends, and to be honest it still scared him, but he was glad to call the Avengers his friends. He knew opening his heart to people in this century just made him vulnerable. It gave him something to lose. However, Steve figured some things in life were worth the risk of losing. One day he had realized...he did not regret loving his Ma, or Bucky, or Peggy and the Howlies. He never once wished he hadn't known them. So while it hurt in ways he could not even put into words to lose them, he was glad he had loved and been loved by them.
So it was worth adding the Avengers and the Collins to his list of vulnerabilities. He cared about these people, and he knew they cared about him.
He actually looked forward to Christmas this year. Yes, he still wanted to cry when he saw a Christmas decoration he knew his Ma would have died for, but never got because she never had enough money. It was a sad joke that when Steve could finally afford to buy it for her, she was gone. It still hurt when he saw a science fiction book he knew Bucky would have loved, or a man that looked a bit too much like Dugan from far away.
But he also loved seeing a movie he knew Thor would watch with him, or a toy he thought little Sean would like. When he helped decorate the giant tree in the common room at the Avengers Tower, he had felt warm inside.
So yeah. Steve liked Christmas again, even if it was bittersweet at times.
The question was what to do about the team. Last year he ended up at the Collins house because he had not felt welcome or at home with the Avengers. He hadn’t really felt welcome in this century if he was being honest. Yet now, things were changing and he was starting to feel slightly more at place than before. He would feel bad turning down the team again for Christmas, but he really wanted to end up in the Irish home once again. Just as he had grown to care about the avengers, he had really grown a friendship with the family he spent his first Christmas (post ice) with.
Maybe he could do both? The morning with the team and the evening at Brian and Clair’s apartment? He’d have to think about it, he did not want to disappoint anyone. Steve did not want to mess up something as important as Christmas.