Chapter 1
"Where are you, Christmas?
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?
My world is changing
I’m rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too?
Where are you, Christmas? Do you remember The one you used to know?
I'm not the same one
See what the time has done
Is that why you have let me go?"
Steve supposed it was a little sad that he was shopping for a singular orange, alone, on Christmas Eve. He felt like he was on autopilot as he picked through the oranges looking for a good one. Steve still could not believe how affordable it was to get an orange in New York in the wintertime. Steve knew many people had stories of Christmas Oranges since oranges were a delicacy and were hard to find in wintertime, it was a way to splurge in the holiday season. Steve remembers his Ma giving him an orange every Christmas when he was growing up. In the spirit of good faith and traditions, Bucky began to buy Steve an orange every Christmas after Steve’s Ma passed.
Steve supposed that he was looking for a piece of home, something to comfort him during his first Christmas in the 21st century. Yet as he stood in the produce aisle, Steve felt numb. It was not the same. He was buying it, not for someone else, but for himself. He was buying it for himself because there was no one left to buy him one. Steve also decided that while he was incredibly thankful that something like an orange on Christmas was so very accessible for everyone, he felt like it took away from the tradition. An orange on Christmas was no longer a special treat. It was nothing but an orange. So when Steve got home to his apartment, his orange in hand, it did not feel difficult to hold off eating the fruit until tomorrow. Steve wondered if he would even care to eat it Christmas morning. (He knew he would eat it, Steve could not physically allow food to go bad, even if he knew he could afford it these days).
It was not about the orange, it was never actually about the orange. Sure, Steve had savored the fruit every Christmas, loving every bite. But it was never about that. It was about how much his Ma (and later Bucky) cared about Steve. They cared enough to save up and buy a frivolous food item. Growing up with such little money, they never bought things that were over so quickly, even in the summer when oranges were more readily available. It was wiser to spend money on items they could use to cook multiple meals, an orange was not one of those things. His Ma loved him so much and she genuinely wanted Steve to be happy. Bucky wanted to gift Steve the memory of his Ma. So no, buying it for himself was not the same, not even close.
Steve sat on his couch in front of his television. Steve hardly ever used the thing, so he thought maybe tonight would be a good time to try. Maybe watching a Christmas movie could help Steve feel something besides the dull ache that he was slowly coming to identify as loneliness. Ever since Steve woke up from the ice, he had experienced this dull ache in his chest that would fluctuate in the level of uncomfortableness, but never fully went away. After a few months (and refusing to tell the shield doctors running tests on him, in case they found a reason to call him defected, deeming him to be obsolete) he realized it was the feeling of loneliness. In all of the trials and hard times Steve had gone through, he had never once felt alone. Steve always had his Ma, Bucky, or even Peggy and the Howlies after Bucky had passed. Steve had suffered a lot in his life, but he was never left to suffer by himself. Even when he felt they should have just abandoned him, they never did. So Steve decided maybe watching TV could distract him from his loneliness.
Steve quickly found that he was wrong. Christmas movies were warm, happy, full of love, and laughter. Skipping between various Christmas Movies just made him more acutely aware of his situation. Steve sighed and turned his Tv off. It had been wishful thinking, just like the orange had been. That was why he was not getting ready for Midnight Mass like he had done every Christmas Eve for as long as he could remember. Steve just...he was not sure he could take it. If he went tonight and everything had changed if his very religion had changed? How could he ever truly fit in with this world? Steve imagined sitting in the pews, and just...not fitting in. He imagined that traditions may have changed, the people have changed, and what if they no longer used Latin in the services? What if...what if Steve had changed too much? Could Steve even sit in the church after being on a team with a man who calls himself a God? Could Steve even sit there with a clear head, after all, he had not been to confession in well...70 years he supposed. Steve had lost everything in his life, he could not stand to lose his religion. The possibility of it made him sick, so he avoided the church like the plague. It made him guilty, but it was nowhere near the pain he would feel otherwise.
Nothing was the same anymore. Why had everything changed? Steve couldn’t help but think it was so unfair, everything had been taken from him, but he had naively thought Christmas was something that could not change. Christmas was the embodiment of joy, and Steve had subconsciously thought that Christmas would bring, briefly, some joy into his life. He was mistaken, that’s for sure. Christmas had changed, it was lonely and harsh. Without the joy of Christmas and Christmas Eve, it was yet another cold night. Steve hated the cold, it was fairly obvious why. Steve felt like he had walked through a Blizard towards a warm light, finally finding a house with the windows glowing from its fireplace, only to have the owner of the house lock the doors when Steve knocked. He was left out on the porch to freeze, watching everyone stay warm by the fire. Steve was alone and cold on Christmas Eve watching the rest of the world glow with love and music.
Steve was not stupid enough to think that he himself had not changed. Ever since the ice he had so desperately tried to avoid the pain of waking up 70 years in the future that he had thrown himself into being Captain America. He was rearranging his life, he was shoving Steve into a box and letting Captain America take the lead. It was easier to let Captain America deal with things because Captain America was brave and strong, Captain America did not want to cry over Christmas Movies and oranges. Captain America did not care that his favorite deli was now an Apple Store, Captain America didn’t have a favorite deli in the first place. Good ole Cap didn’t tense when someone clammed a door, because Captain America was not weak enough to have shell shock (Because Steve knew a weakness like shell shock could get you locked up, and he couldn’t let that happen). So if he was Captain America then nothing could truly hurt him. Steve knew this led to missed opportunities at creating a new life for himself, but he was afraid of rebuilding a new life. Family and Friends were a weakness that he could not emotionally afford to attach himself to again. So Steve knew he was not allowed to pity himself tonight, Tony Stark had invited Ste-no, Tony had invited ‘Cap’ to a Christmas Eve party at the newly renamed “Avengers Tower”. Steve had wanted to say yes, to surround himself by people and hope he could absorb their joy, but Captain America said no. Captain America was not the fun one, not Captain America of the 21st Century. Either way, Steve knew that Tony did not actually want him at the party, he was relentlessly teasing him for having a stick up his ass. Steve was only invited as a formality. They both played their part of the script, Tony asked and Cap said no.
Time had changed so many things, Christmas had changed, Steve had changed, and somehow Captain America had changed as well. So when Steve got a phone call from Natasha, he simply let it ring. Steve stared at the mini Christmas tree on his desk. It was a fake tree that stood at around two feet tall and it was decorated with the mini ornaments it came with (because Steve did not have any of his own). Steve stared at the lights wrapped around the tree until the wee hours of the morning. He had a fleeting feeling of disappointment that Santa Clause had not shown up. He could not help but laugh, Steve did not believe in Santa, obviously, but he figured that if so many things had changed that would have been a cool edition. If Thor was real, the least he could have done was bring Santa with him, straight out of the fairytale books.
If Steve cried that night, that was his business. If the mini tree could be found in the trash Christmas morning, well then Steve wouldn’t know what you were talking about.