Burning

Bucky Barnes took a sip of coffee as he leaned on the wrap around porch railing of the Barton home. He typically enjoyed these quiet mornings when he and Natasha visited their friends. The gentle sunshine on his face, the smell of wildflowers drifting over from the field, the sound of songbirds hiding in the trees nearby. There was no noise of traffic, no glaring city lights, no looking over his shoulder for potential Hydra agents. It was no wonder that Clint and Laura were happy in their farmhouse. To Bucky, it seemed like a little slice of heaven.

But this morning he was unable to fully immerse himself in the tranquility of his surroundings. The scene felt tainted, bitter like the black coffee that was on his tongue. It wasn’t just concerns over Ultron and the twins, and what chaos they were brewing while the Avengers took a time out. It had been a long time since he had seen his best friend so upset, and the way Steve had closed himself off after yesterday’s encounter worried him deeply. And though Natasha’s mood has seemed greatly improved when they got up in the morning, he couldn’t get the image of her tear filled eyes out of his mind.

Sure, he had seen her emotional before. But James had never seen her cry, at least, not that he could remember. He was typically the one who relied on her for emotional support, not the other way around. Natasha Romanov was the strongest, most resilient person he had ever met, and her vulnerability had shaken him.

He glanced over his shoulder through the window to see Natasha and Laura washing and drying the breakfast dishes together, laughing about something. Back to normal by all appearances. Upon waking, Nat had reassured him that she was fine. He should take her word for it.

Bucky took another sip of coffee and frowned to himself. It was very difficult to keep his anger toward Wanda in check.

Raised voices interrupted his thoughts, and Bucky turned his head to where Steve and Tony were working on a wood pile. The men were in the early stages of an argument. What a surprise.

Letting out a long sigh, Bucky abandoned his near-empty coffee mug on the railing and made his way to Steve’s side.

“I don’t trust a guy without a dark side. Call me old fashioned.” Stark was saying as Bucky approached.

“Let’s just say you haven’t seen it yet,” Steve shot back.

“Relax Stevie,” Bucky said, coming to a stop next to his friend. He folded his arms across his chest and leveled his gaze at Stark. “I’ve got enough of a dark side for both of us.”

The other man barked a laugh. “Barnes, you don’t have a dark side, you are basically a black hole.”

Steve stiffened and Bucky opened his mouth to shoot back, but Stark cut them off. “You know Ultron is trying to tear us apart, right?”

“He doesn’t need to,” Steve said, bitterness seeping through his words. “We’re doing a pretty good job of it ourselves, with all the secrets around here.”

Stark jabbed a defensive finger in Bucky’s direction. “Banner and I were doing research. Our secret was important. This guy was going on holiday at his friends’ house without telling anybody they even existed.”

Bucky’s anger flared, but he couldn’t help feeling a stab of guilt at the words. “This place wasn’t my secret to tell.”

Steve came to his defense. “It was Clint’s choice not to tell us, not his.”

Stark rolled his eyes. “You are so quick to dismiss everything he does. Not tell us about Barton’s family? Not his fault. Assassinate a bunch of people? Not his fault.”

The Soldier was beginning to stir inside, and Bucky’s metal hand curled into a fist. “That’s outta line,” he growled in warning.

“Is it? But Banner and I are the monsters for-“

This time, Stark was the one interrupted. Laura had approached the three men, somewhat meekly asking Stark to help with their tractor. It effectively ended the argument, but Bucky’s temper was still boiling just below the surface.

He took a deep breath, running his hands through his hair as he watched Iron Man’s retreating form.

“Steve,” he began, slowly, carefully, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this.”

His friend nodded, blue eyes on the logs in his hand as he stacked wood into a pile. “No, you were right. Clint and Nat have been close for a long time. It makes sense he would tell her, and you.”

The two worked in silence for several long seconds.

“How’s Nat?” Steve asked.

Bucky shrugged. “Okay. Last night was tough. I think she had a nightmare. Seems better today.”

Steve nodded.

“How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

Bucky slammed the log he was holding down with more force than necessary, sending splinters scattering around them.

“No you’re fucking not,” he bit out.

Steve looked up, finally meeting his eyes with surprise etched all over his features.

“I know. Language. I’m sorry. I just…” Bucky fought for the right words. “Ever since the incident with Wanda, you’ve been quiet. Like you’ve folded in on yourself.”

He stepped forward, closer to his friend, everything inside him pleading that he would just end his silent suffering and open up. “I don’t like seeing you like this, Steve. Talk to me, man.”

Steve frowned and tossed a log onto the pile before turning back to him. “I saw Peggy,” he began.

Bucky nodded. It was no surprise Wanda would use the memory of Steve’s one true love against him.

“She said the war was over, and we could go home.” He drew a long breath. “And then we get here I see this house, this family and it…”

Steve shook his head. “I don’t regret going into the ice. It had to be done, for Peggy as much as for everyone else. But even when Natasha points out girls to me or some fans flirt with us during a baseball game… as fun as it is, I just miss Peggy. If I could be selfish, a place like this is all I’d want for her and me. I guess I’m feeling jealous.”

Bucky’s heart ached for his friend, as he stood there feeling useless. It wasn’t a problem they could fight through side by side. It wasn’t even something they could reason through, talk about to find a solution. By saving the world, Captain America has sacrificed happiness with the girl he loved. It was a tragedy Steve didn’t deserve.

“Clint’s lucky,” he replied slowly. “Not many of us get to have a family and keep them safe. Not in our line of work. Even Stark and Pepper, with all their money and technology, their home still got destroyed.”

“What about you and Nat?”

The question surprised him, and Bucky looked back at his friend in confusion. “What about us?”

Steve gestured around them. “Ever think about retiring from being superheroes and setting up something like this? Raise a couple of red-headed kids and just enjoy your lives together?”

Bucky winced at his friend’s words. “We can’t,” he said slowly.

But Steve took a step toward him, pushing on. “Sure you could. You’re great with the Barton’s kids! After all you’ve been through together, you deserve some-“

“No, we can’t,” Bucky interrupted, raising his metal hand in a gesture for his friend to stop.

Steve’s hands moved to his hips, confusion in his eyes, waiting for an explanation. Bucky drew a long breath before continuing.

“Tasha can’t have kids,” he said, bluntly. “It’s something they did to her in the Red Room. And me… who knows after all of Hydra’s experiments.”

His friend was visibly stunned. “Buck, I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

“I know. It’s okay. We’ve come to terms with it.” Bucky’s gaze moved back to the unfinished wood pile.

“What about adopting?” Steve tried again, but Bucky shook his head.

“What agency would give a child to two people who put their life on the line as part of their job?” He snorted. “That’s not exactly a secure environment to raise a family in.”

He met his friend’s eyes again. “It’s okay. Really. We’re lucky to have each other, and we’re grateful for that.”

“Yeah.” Steve glanced upward at the sky in thought before continuing. “All the more reason to think about retiring while you still do.”

“What?” Bucky snapped in surprise, turning to face the other man head on.

Steve held up his hands. “I know you both feel like you owe something to the world. I just don’t want one of you to end up… without the other. Because believe me, it’s pretty lonely.”

Bucky turned the words over in his mind. He had suggested as much when he and Natasha first got back together, but he had been at least half joking. All they knew how to do was fight. And after what they had done for Hydra and the Red Room, they had a lot of red in their ledgers.

He glanced down at his metal hand, the reminder of the Soldier inside of him. The reminder of his crimes.

“Dr. Cho said I could get rid of this,” he suddenly said, gesturing to his arm with his read hand. “Said she could help me grow an arm of my own.”

Steve nodded. “That’s good. Then what?”

Then he’d look like a normal person. Then he and Natasha could blend in anywhere they wanted. If they wanted. His eyes moved back to the farm house, allowing himself to imagine a quiet life with the woman he loved. He imagined never having to worry over her again, like he had the day before when Wanda had touched her. His heart fluttered.

“Then, we’ll talk about our future,” Bucky replied, earnestly.

Steve seemed satisfied with that. “As much as I’ve enjoyed taking out bad guys with you, that’s my suggestion. As the world’s leading authority on waiting too long… don’t.”