Burning

Natasha watched with curiosity as a machine cast blueish-green beams onto her friend’s side. An odd whirring sound hummed along with her thoughts. It looked as though Clint’s wound was going back in time, becoming less and less severe until his body was the same as it had been before he was shot.

“His cells don't know they're bonding with simulacrum,” Dr. Helen Cho explained, beaming down at the progress. “It’s like regenerating tissue.”

She was clearly proud of her work, and with good reason, Nat thought to herself. The technology was amazing. She even felt a little foolish for being so worried about Clint in the first place.

“This is incredible,” James grunted at her side, echoing her thoughts.

Dr. Cho grinned again before leaving the room to talk with one of her assistants. Nat‘s green eyes followed her exit, waiting until the dark haired woman was safely out of earshot before speaking.

“Have you told Laura yet?”

The archer snorted. “No,” he began. “Figured I’d better be at full strength if I’m going to have to face her wrath.”

“Well, you’d better confess before the next dinner party,” James replied with a chuckle. “You know Tasha won’t keep that secret for you.”

Natasha shot him a glare, but Clint was speaking again before she could do more.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll call her after this.” He waved his hand dismissively at the machine stitching him together. “When are you guys coming over again, anyway? Lila keeps asking about seeing Uncle Bucky again.”

Natasha let out a mock gasp and pressed her palm to her chest. “Oh! Have I been replaced as her favorite person?”

“I raised her to have better sense than that,” Clint teased.

James laughed at that, and Nat couldn’t help but smile along. Clint had been one of her best friends for years. He had crossed her path when she had just defected from Russia. She was alone, heartbroken, vulnerable, and without any directive besides simply fleeing. Instead of taking advantage of her, Clint had helped her connect with SHIELD, had been a partner on many missions, and he had done more than just put her on the straight and narrow. His loyalty had helped her have confidence in her own identity. When he and Laura had started getting serious in their relationship, Nat was one of the only people Clint told. And she and Laura quickly became close friends as well.

Now that Natasha finally had a solid relationship of her own, Mr. and Mrs. Barton welcomed James into their home with open arms. He had been nervous at first, as James always was when approaching an unfamiliar situation. But after their first home cooked meal, the lines of tension in his face had relaxed and his eyes were light with laughter.

The power of a child’s hug sometimes was the best therapy, Natasha mused to herself. While she and James would never, could never have a cozy country house and a pair of kids running around, it was refreshing to spend time with the Bartons every once in a while. It was good for both of them, Natasha thought as she watched her lover laugh at another one of Clint’s jokes, forgetting his personal darkness for a moment.

“And you should have seen Cooper running around with foil on his arm the other day,” Clint was continuing. “He was annoying the heck out of the dog. I think-“

His mouth suddenly snapped shut as all three heroes simultaneously sensed movement in the doorway. Nat turned, refocusing her attention on the present, following her friend’s gaze to see Tony approaching. The billionaire had a cup of juice in hand and Bruce in tow.

“Wait, I thought I ordered a beer,” Clint complained as Tony passed him the beverage.

The billionaire shrugged. “Take it out of my tip.” He waved to Dr. Cho through the window, and the woman hurriedly re-entered the room with a smile.

“Now that you’ve seen the technology, do you believe me, Tony?” Dr. Cho asked. “This is the future. Your clunky metal suits will soon be a thing of the past.”

Tony smiled back. “Helen, I believe it and I’m glad for it,” he replied.

The doctor’s grin widened, but her eyes had already moved from Tony’s, something else catching her attention.

“Sergeant Barnes,” she said, making James look up with a start. “Can I speak to you for a moment?”

James hesitated, casting a suddenly uneasy glance back at his girlfriend. Natasha gave him a small shrug. She had no idea what Dr. Cho wanted either, but her curiosity was definitely sparked. She watched the two as James gave the doctor a curt nod and followed her to the far end of the room, barely keeping her own apprehension in check.

The doctor talked quietly, her volume well below what Nat could hear over the humming machines and banter between the other men in the room. She did her best to watch the pair out of the corner of her eye, pretending to pay attention to the other men as they discussed their upcoming party. But when she saw the dark haired woman reach out to touch James’ forearm, Nat only just kept herself from jumping to her feet.

To her surprise, the Winter Soldier didn’t shy away from the doctor’s hand. He was usually so sensitive about that prosthetic part of his body, that reminder of Hydra’s torture and manipulation, often keeping it hidden under long sleeves or with his hands in his pockets. Instead, he was watching the doctor’s face with what appeared to be interest. Perhaps a spark of excitement. The corners of his mouth had even begun to turn upwards.

Natasha’s eyes narrowed.

The conversation lasted only a few moments, and James was back at her side in no time at all. She shot him a questioning look, but he gave an almost imperceptible shake of his head.

Not here, he was telling her. Not in front of everyone else.

Nat folded her arms across her chest and pursed her lips in frustration. Fine.

Her attention returned to her friends… at least partially, as she tried her best to tuck away the haunting vision of Cho’s hand on James’ arm.

—-

Natasha woke to the unfamiliar feeling of an empty bed.

She ran her hand over the place to her left where he always slept. Where he should have been. But it was empty and cold, like the feeling that suddenly settled into her stomach.

Nat’s eyes snapped open and she quickly sat up, waiting impatiently for her eyes to adjust to the dim room. Much to her relief, it only took a few seconds to find her missing lover. He was standing by the window, looking out into the early morning darkness. She took a brief moment to catch her breath while admiring his form. Still and strong, clad in only a pair of pajama pants, the man stood with his feet slightly apart, shoulders squared, hands clasped behind his back. It was a relaxed military position, something she knew that he settled into on instinct when his mind was occupied with too many other thoughts.

Natasha slipped from the bedsheets. Her short, satin nightgown tickled her thighs as she padded across the floor, but she ignored it in pursuit of a nicer feeling. James hardly moved as she gently pressed herself against his back, wrapping her slim arms around his strong torso. At first, she thought he was too lost in his mind to realize she was there, but after several seconds, his arms shifted to cover hers as she embraced him.

“Where are you?” Natasha whispered, resting her cheek against his shoulder blade. “You’re a million miles away.”

He took a long time to answer, blue eyes glued to the window before him.

“In the training studio with Pietro,” James finally replied, his voice quiet, heavy. “In the hospital ward where Wanda sobbed at his bedside. In Sokovia, and the Ukraine, and Japan, and Latveria, and all the other places where the Winter Soldier left his mark.”

Natasha’s heart ached in response. She understood the weight that he carried; she herself had red in her ledger. Whoever said “time heals all wounds” didn’t quite understand that guilt and regret never fade away.

In moments like these, she often found herself asking him the same question.

“Do you remember us?”

His breath came out as a sigh. “No.” It was the same answer as always, his voice unable to hide the sorrow behind it.

She nuzzled against him, his skin warm against her cheek. Though Shuri had been certain that his memories would return in time, it only seemed to be the darkness that was resurfacing.

“I wish you could. It’s not fair that you remember so much bad, and so little good.”

He shifted his weight from his right foot to his left, and she could almost hear his mind working through her words.

“Maybe I don’t remember because I don’t deserve to, Tasha,” James replied.

“Don’t say that!” she snapped back, lifting her head. Natasha circled his body, coming around to face him. Her hands moved to his chest as she looked up into his eyes, feeling his chest rise and fall with his breath, feeling his heartbeat.

She searched those icy blues that she knew so well, looking for some kind of hope behind all the pain and sadness. “You’re good at taking responsibility for the bad you’ve done, but it’s only fair you take credit for the good, too.”

“What good?” he replied, despair making his voice crack.

She kept her own voice firm, strong, hoping her strength would give him something to grab onto. “I’ve told you about the time you got those kids out of the hospital fire. The time you defused a bomb in a crowded apartment building. All the times you went outside your orders to ensure we didn’t cause more harm than we absolutely had to.”

He huffed. “I remember you telling me, but I don’t remember doing any of it. I don’t feel any of it.”

Natasha bit her lip in uncertainty. Perhaps a different approach. “What about your memories from before? You remember being Bucky Barnes. Being Steve’s best friend and always looking out for him. Steve said you were the best person he’d ever known.”

“Yeah,” James replied, slowly. His eyes shifted down to his metal arm. “That was before I had this.”

Natasha followed his gaze and felt her heart freeze in her chest. She suddenly put it all together. What Dr. Cho had said to him earlier that day. What he was about to tell her now.

“Dr. Cho said she could get rid of this. Grow a new arm that was all me.”

His face had shifted to an expressionless mask, one of many defense mechanisms he still carried from Hydra’s conditioning. It was when his features shut off that Nat worried the most about what he was feeling.

Her own heart was beating rapidly. Back when they were with Hydra and the Red Room, the Winter Soldier’s arm was a weapon in itself, and a powerful one at that. His body and how he used it made him invaluable and invincible. He could do anything with it. She had found it impressive, even attractive when they had first met. It took effort to remember that it was now a stark reminder of what had been done to him. The torture, the manipulation, the enslavement, the brainwashing.

“How do you feel about that?” Natasha found herself asking, unsure of how to express her own thoughts.

Again, the man before her paused, avoiding her eyes. “I hate this thing,” he finally replied. “It reminds me that I used to be one of the bad guys.”

“James,” Nat started, but he waved his hand.

“I know you’re going to say it’s not my fault, but that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the things I’ve done.” He took a breath, steadying himself. “In my heart, I hate it. I’m disgusted by it.”

He shook his head, dark hair falling into his face. “But the soldier in me also knows it’s part of what makes me powerful. It’s a good tool for our allies. I don’t know if I should just throw it away.”

Natasha watched him carefully. For all of her training to think on her feet, to always have a response, to always be two steps ahead of her counterpart in any conversation, she suddenly felt at a loss for words.

“James,” she finally managed. “This is your body. It doesn’t matter what it means to anyone but you. What is it that you want?”

It was a question he still wasn’t comfortable answering. Despite his freedom from Hydra, he had been a soldier for them, a slave for them, for so long, he still wasn’t used to accepting and voicing his own desires.

She remembered that uncertainty when she left the Red Room. How difficult it was to think outside of what you were told to think or what you were told to feel.

But James did well tonight. He raised his head to finally look her in the eye. “I want to take you to the beach, Tasha, without being worried about sand jamming this thing up. I want to take you on vacation wherever you want, or even just out to dinner or something. I want to wear a t-shirt on a hot day and walk around like everyone else without being stared at.”

His hands moved to her hips, thumbs gently grazing over her curves. “I want to feel you with both hands. The way every other man can feel his girl.”

She smiled at that, thought her eyes suddenly stung with emotion. Her own hand raised to caress his cheek. “Then let the doctor give you what you want.”

“But this weapon,” he stammered, dropping his case again. “It’s important to SHIELD…”

“You have the same abilities Steve does, and he doesn’t have a metal arm,” Natasha cut in. “You’ll still do good things without it. If you need something more, maybe Tony can make you a shield, too.”

That got her a chuckle, and James raised his gaze again to meet hers. “You won’t think differently of me if I’m… normal?”

“Darling,” Nat replied with another smile, “we will never be normal. And I’ll never think differently of you.”

She dropped her hands, letting them run down his bare chest once again before stepping away, moving back toward their bed.

“There are a few things I’ll miss about that hand though,” she called over her shoulder, flashing her boyfriend a flirtatious wink. “Maybe we can make the most of it while you’ve still got it?”

His eyes narrowed and his smile grew bolder, darker, and James followed her to bed.