'Tis The Season
“Wanna stop holding onto Tweek like he’s gonna combust so we can do roll call?” Wendy deadpanned.
Craig shot her a glare, tightening his arm around Tweek ever so slightly. “Nope. Haven’t seen him in a week.”
Her face softened ever so slightly. “Oh.” Her face snapped back to normal and she shrugged before scanning the room. She took a slow deep breath. “Very well then. Who starts?”
“Trent Boyett,” the man muttered around his cigarette.
“Ike Broflovski!”
“Eric Cartman.”
“Rebecca Cotswolds.”
Christophe took a drag of his cigarette. “Christophe DeLorne.”
“Clyde Donovan.”
“Brimmy Fallon.”
“Pete Thelman.”
“Stan Marsh.”
“Kenny McCormick.”
Dovakien Soma gives Wendy a nod of acknowledgement, continuing with their eternal vow of silence.
“Bebe Stevens.”
“Kevin Stoley.”
There was a small thump, disrupting the group’s morning ritual. Everyone turned their heads to see Pete holding his elbow, obviously annoyed that he just smacked it onto Dovakien’s desk. “Fucking-,” he muttered. “Sorry. Continue.”
“Marjorine Stotch.”
“Wendy Testaburger.” She looked at Damien with a patient smile.
“Damien Thorne,” he muttered.
“Craig Tucker.”
“Tweek Tweak.”
“GOD HAS LET HER LIVE ANOTHER DAY SO TAMMY WARNER IS REPORTING FOR DUTY!” the unruly brunette shouted as she stormed in.
“Great.” Craig detached himself from Tweek only to grab his hand and pull him into his office. Everyone just stared for a moment.
“I think he moved.. apartments,” Wendy started. She laughed, rolling her eyes. “He’s so fucking dramatic.”
Everyone let out some sort of agreement or understanding before starting their day.
—
Craig was leaned against his desk, holding onto Tweek like a lifeline. “That was cruel,” he muttered.
Tweek nodded against him. “I know… We’re fine though.”
“Were you scared?”
“Of course I was scared.”
“I was too,” Craig admitted.
Tweek laughed, tired but genuine. “I know.” There was a knock on the office door. Tweek let go of Craig and walked over, opening it. “We’re not playing.”
“Today is Secret Santa,” Clyde reminded.
“Fucking—already?” Tweek asked with frustration.
“Mhm.”
“Okay.” Tweek leaned forward, whispering something. “So we’re not working today. Can you cover for us? Pretty please?”
Clyde pulled Tweek into a tight hug. “Course bro.” He let go, shooting Craig a smile. “Love you.”
“You too,” Craig responded.
—
“So who’d you guys get for Secret Santa?” Marjorine asked from her spot on Bebe’s desk.
Bebe lightly swatted at her girlfriend’s forehead. “We’re not supposed to tell each other!” she scolded.
Marjorine shot her a small smirk.
“I got Kenny!” Clyde blurted out. “Who’d you guys get?”
“Not telling!” Marjorine chimed.
“You’re mean!” Clyde responded.
Bebe rolled her eyes, trying in vain to hide her smile.
“Bebe?” Clyde tried.
Bebe’s eyes trailed up from her phone. “Trent.”
He gasped. “Really?!”
“Yup.”
“What’d you get him?!”
“Not telling.”
—
“AAAAAMAAAAAAAZINGGGGGG GRAAAAAA—” Ike’s voice cut out completely as he tried to hit an unnecessary high note, causing Stan and Cartman to sputter out laughs. “Don’t be rude!” Ike said with mock offense.
“You sound like a dying cat. Next,” Cartman said flatly as he leaned against the breakroom table.
“E-F-G!! H-I–J—”
“Next audition.”
“OLD MCDONALD–”
“Ike, we are not doing this shit again,” Cartman got out through giggles.
“We’re not even having auditions! This is my Secret Santa gift!”
“FOR WHO?!”
“Bebe,” Ike said with stars in his eyes.
“I am literally telling on you,” Stan deadpanned.
“What?!”
“She’s, like, four years older than you. And gay.”
“I’M ALLOWED TO HAVE DREAMS!”
“Wait, is he being seriously?” Cartman asked Stan specifically.
“No??” Ike responded like he was stupid.
Cartman rolled his eyes. “Excuse me.”
Ike laughed. “No. It’s for Tweek.”
“Oh, he’ll fucking love that,” Cartman said with amusement.
Stan put a hand over his mouth, trying to cover up his laughs. “Please tell me you’re performing this for the rest of us too.”
“Course I am! What??”
“You’re performing, Isaac?” Kenny asked from the doorway.
Ike’s jaw dropped. The two at the table bursted out into more laughs. “I fucking–” Stan got out through wheezes. “I swear, I always forget!”
“Call me that again and you’re going out the window,” Ike deadpanned.
Kenny shot him a toothy grin. “Whatever you say, Isaac.”
—
“He literally won’t let himself be alone in the same room as me. How would you like me to do that?” Damien asked.
Wendy narrowed her eyes on him. “Communicate??”
Damien looked at his hands with a quiet huff. “This is weird.”
“So what?”
He looked back up at her, mildly confused. “So what?”
“Weird shit happens all the time.” She reached out, resting her hand atop his. “Nothing to worry about. He’s shutting down is all. He’ll come around.” Her nose twitched slightly. “So tell him I need you two to work on a project together. And when he’s ready you two can discuss how to go about that.”
“Why are you doing this?” he asked quietly.
“Because I care about work. And I want everyone to be happy with their jobs.”
“What about you?”
“I’m happy,” she said simply. She squeezed his hand. “Sometimes people prefer to work on more than one project at once. Totally normal.”
“Is it?” he questioned.
She laughed. “You’re very new to all this, aren’t you?”
“Got me.”
“Very normal, Dame.” She propped up her cheek using her free hand. “Nothing wrong with staying busy though.”
He nodded, cheeks tinting slightly. “Thanks… But I don’t wanna, like–” He cut himself off.
She tilted her head slightly, offering him a small smile. “Fine. Wanna hide in here until we do Secret Santa then?”
He gave her a pleading look. “Please.”
Her smile grew as she withdrew, reaching for her top drawer. “Did you manage to go to Cigarette World last week?”
“No?”
“Our secret then.”
He laughed, shaking his head. “You smoke?” he asked as she took out a pack.
“I used to. Trent and Christophe have been smoking inside all day and it’s been quite a week.”
He leaned forward slightly when she put a cigarette in her mouth. “Need a light?”
She smiled, nodding slightly. He reached out–
—
Kenny crept up slowly as he walked in the office. He was silent. He could just make out the words Christophe was typing.
Je pense à un monde où nous échapperons tous à cet endroit. J'y pense souvent. Je suis toujours coupé quand mon esprit évoque un monde où tu pars et je pars et où nous ne nous parlons plus jamais. Et puis j'ai l'impression que je ne peux pas respirer. À quel point suis-je horrible de penser ça?
The door clicked shut and Christophe’s browser immediately closed. “Can you just let me be nosy?” Kenny complained.
Christophe spun around on his chair. “I thought you can’t read French.”
“I can’t!”
Christophe’s eyes narrowed. “I don’t believe that.”
Kenny tilted his head. “Why?”
“Cause you’re too invested.”
“So there is something to be invested in!” Kenny responded, sounding awfully proud of himself.
“You would know there isn’t if you could read French,” Christophe deadpanned.
Kenny’s eyes narrowed.
The two stared at each other, locked in this stalemate once again.
—
“Open!” Cartman called out dramatically.
Tammy snickered, throwing the door open, reveling in the way it slammed against the wall.
“JESUS!” Cartman shouted, hand to his chest. “What?”
“Just wanted to tell you Secret Santa is starting soon.”
“Yippie,” he deadpanned. “Is that all?”
“Nope. I wanna talk to you.”
“Oh?” The two exchanged a look. “Alright. Come in.”
—
“Hi pretty,” Brimmy said as he leaned onto Pete’s desk.
Pete shot him a halfhearted glare. “Don’t be childish.”
A teasing smile appeared. “What ever do you mean?”
Pete went back to typing. “Are you over here fake flirting with me because you want something, you want to hang out, or because you have the emotional competence of a cabbage?”
Stan barked out a laugh from a cubicle away.
Brimmy rolled his eyes. “I finished my work for the day. I’m bored.”
“And you chose to come bother me?”
“Yes?”
“Don’t you have a book to read?”
“I finished it.”
“No you didn’t,” Pete challenged, not looking away from his screen.
“Okay. Well sometimes it’s good to put a book down.”
“Unfinished?”
“Doesn’t need to be finished. Sometimes removing yourself entirely is better than seeing how it ends.”
“You’re a coward. Are you aware of that?” he responded, voice still flat and unamused.
Brimmy’s teasing nature faltered. “Yeah,” he said quietly.
“So you’re just giving up then?”
“No. Yes. Maybe?”
“For no reason at all, may I add.”
“Not no reason.”
“Have you talked to Wendy?”
“No,” he admitted, ignoring the way Stan and Rebecca kept leaning over to exchange looks.
“Why?”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
Pete sighed, dropping his head in his hands. “Brim, I swear to fucking god,” he muttered. “You have always been one of the smartest people I know yet you’re so goddamn stupid.”
“I take it you’re not gonna let me just fake flirt with you to kill time?”
“No.”
Brimmy pushed off of Pete’s desk, peeking over the tiny wall that separated each of them. “Hey, Stanny,” he tried.
“Dude.”
Brimmy covered up a laugh. “Yeah, nope.” His gaze darted around the room before he sighed, grabbed a chair from the empty desk on Pete’s left, and brought it over to Pete’s desk.
“So you’re staying?” Pete asked lamely, not stopping in his typing.
“Wendy’s in a meeting. I have no one else to be childish with.”
“Or you could go be childish with Wendy and whoever she’s having a meeting with.”
“But that would involve admitting that I’m wrong. Or it would be incredibly awkward. Or both.”
“So you admit that you’re wrong?”
“No. Because I’m not.”
Pete glared at him before grabbing a stack of papers on the other side of his desk, dropping them in front of Brimmy. They landed with a quiet thud. “At least help me get through this then.”
“Yes, chief.”
—
Tammy knocked on the door to the janitor’s closet three times, the first two in rapid succession, then a third after a beat. The door opened, revealing Trent, eyes slightly narrowed. “What?”
“Secret Santa.”
“I’m not playing.”
She scoffed. “What? Yes you are?”
They stared at each other for a moment, neither relenting at first. He sighed, rolling his eyes as he grabbed a small, neatly wrapped box off his table. She swatted at his arm. “You didn’t put it inside yet?!”
He stepped a bit closer, face softening. He handed it to her, looking down at their hands as they lingered. “Merry Christmas, Tam.”
She faltered slightly. “Uh-Yeah.” She laughed, running a hand through her hair. “You too,” she responded awkwardly. “We should-um.”
He took a step back before spinning around and grabbing a pack of Marlboro smooths from his table. “Yeah.”
—
“THEY LIVE!” Cartman announced as Tammy and Trent walked in.
Trent flipped him off with a glare as he stepped over to the table.
“Okay,” Wendy clasped her hands together, cutting through the bits of chatter. “With everyone here, we can start our annual Secret Santa.”
There was a collective, unserious groan, the habit of booing Wendy’s attempts to keep the staff close remaining a forever thing despite the fact that they all loved it.
“Yeah, fuck you all too,” she said sweetly, smile growing ever so slightly. She grabbed the first present on the table. “Ooo. Wonderful start. Cartman, this is you.”
She went around the group, passing everyone their presents. They all took a seat around the meeting table as they received their gifts. It was Cartman, Tammy, Damien, Wendy (who took her seat when she was done), Brimmy, Pete, Ike, Bebe, Stan, Kevin, Trent, Christophe, Rebecca, Kenny, Dovakien, Marjorine, Clyde, Craig, and Tweek.
“Okay, what order do we wanna go in?” Wendy asked.
There was a collective agreement of first to last. Cartman smiled, looking at the tag on his gift. “Don’t get hit by a car, dickhead. Love, Craig.”
“I didn’t write ‘love’ on there,” Craig deadpanned.
Cartman shot him a devious grin. “It was implied,” he muttered as he opened the small velvet box to see a bright red diecast car. He barked out a laugh, eliciting a laugh from Craig. The two fell apart for a moment. “Holy shit! Holy shit!” Cartman wiped his face. “Thank you, Craigory.”
“No problem.”
“Alright, chucklefucks, moving on,” Wendy said with a giggle.
“Mhm!” Cartman got out, forcing himself together.
Tammy put her hands up, smiling. “I got my gift already.”
“WHAT?!”
“Yeah.” She pointed at the teardrop shaped pendant around her neck.
“Oh my god, it matches your eyes!” Rebecca chimed with excitement.
Tammy’s hand wrapped around the small teardrop, lifting it up a bit to actually see it again. Her smile grew. “Yeah. It does.”
“From who?” Cartman asked curiously.
“Trent.”
Trent rolled his eyes. “No big deal.”
Tammy scoffed, leaning back in her seat. “You love me.”
“I hate you,” Trent deadpanned.
“Yeah, yeah. Moving on to someone that isn’t me.”
Damien shrunk in his seat slightly. He had a small, neatly wrapped rectangle. The wrapping paper was navy with little stars on it. The tag simply said
–Spaceboy
Damien hesitantly opened the paper, extra careful as he opened the gift. It was Dante’s Inferno. A soft smile crossed his face as he eyed the thing, turning around the small paperback in his hands. “Thank you, Brimmy,” he said fondly, looking over.
Brimmy waved a hand. “No big.”
Wendy nudged Brimmy, shooting him a glare before taking attention. “Alright, Dame, what’d ya get me,” she muttered, smiling to herself as she pulled the wrapping paper off a small tin.
“It’s not special, but I remember you said you wanted it.”
A quiet gasp escaped her. “Shit, seriously?!”
He smiled at her, little dimple making itself known. “That’s the right one, right?”
She pulled him into a tight side hug. “Yes! Thank you, oh my god.”
“N-no problem.”
She laughed, letting go of him. “I really appreciate it.”
“You are way too excited over damn pens,” Cartman jeered.
“First of all, it’s a calligraphy set,” Wendy corrected. “Secondly, I really wanted it. Might come in handy.”
Cartman made a face. “Huh. Can I see?” She held up one of the pens, grinning like an idiot. “Ohhhhh,” he hummed out. “Nice. Okay, yeah. Fair.”
Wendy tapped the side of Brimmy’s head. He pulled the tissue paper out of the small gift bag, carefully eyeing Wendy, who it was obviously from. His eyes widened slightly as his hand wrapped around whatever was in there. “No way,” he muttered.
“What ever do you mean?” she teased.
Brimmy pulled out a navy beret that had a small tear on the brim. His entire face lit up as a laugh escaped him. “You’re kidding me,” he said with a laugh.
“No.”
“This is really it?”
“Yes.”
Damien leaned on his hand, trying to cover up his smile. The rest of the group seemed to be completely confused.
“You actually managed to get your hands on this cursed thing?!”
“It was at my house the whole time, actually,” she admitted.
He swatted at the side of her arm, more laughs bubbling out. “You asshole! Seriously?!”
“Yeah. I thought with everything going on, it might be—y’know.” He was careful as he pulled her into a tight hug, despite knowing his best friend was not a fragile little thing.
“I love you so much,” he murmured as he squeezed her.
She hugged him back tightly. “I love you too.”
They separated, glaring at Cartman who made a loud gagging noise.
Brimmy laughed, tossing the beret on his head. “Thank you, Wends.”
“Course.”
“It’s small, but,” Rebecca started, smiling at Pete. “I’m pretty sure that’s the one you use.”
Pete opened up the tiny gift bag, lips curling up into a smile. “How’d you know?”
“Mic-um. You, uh. You told me back when we got the no email policy. We sat together that whole day,” she said with a laugh. “Don’t think I could forget it.”
Pete offered her a weak smile. “Right. Yeah.” He let out a quiet exhale. “Thank you, Rebecca.”
“Course.”
Ike was quick to open up his gift bag, glaring at Stan when he pulled out a glass bottle of maple syrup. The entire group devolved into laughter. Ike tried to suppress his own laughs, flipping off Stan, face hardening into a glare. He shook, trying to hold it together. “Seriously?” he got out.
Stan dragged his hands across his face. “Whew. No.” He passed over a polaroid, faced down. “I managed to get a copy. I thought you’d want one of these.”
Ike flipped it over, hand covering it. He let out a quiet gasp. “Oh.” He blinked hard, tears welling up.
—
Ike rubbed at his eyes, face red. He laughed. “Thank ya, Stanny.”
“Mhm,” Stan responded, face equally blotchy.
Kenny wiped at his face. “Fuck,” he breathed out. “Bebs. Wanna take the attention please?”
She laughed, nodding. “Happy to.” She pulled an even tinier box out of the tiny gift bag in front of her. “Pete, you cute little thing, what is this?”
He rolled his eyes, scoffing. “An engagement ring.”
Marjorine let out a laugh. “Sorry, beat you to that.”
“WHAT?!”
Bebe rolled her eyes. “This is news to me.”
“I thought we agreed that lying was a good thing sometimes!” Marjorine scolded.
Bebe laughed as she opened up the small box. “Holy shit?? I’ve been wanting to try this!”
“I figured makeup’s your thing. And I know a bit about it ‘cause, um. Yeah. Someone showed me all about it. She said green eyes and purple mascara is one of her favorite combos.”
Bebe smiled at him. “Thank you.”
“Course, yeah.”
Stan let out an exhale that was a partial shudder before he pulled the telltale green bottle from a gift bag. He shot Cartman an idiotic grin before jumping up and running out of the room. He came back less than two minutes later with a huge stack of dixie cups.
He broke the seal on the bottle, pouring up cups and passing them around the table.
“Tis the fucking season, I guess,” Brimmy said with a small smile, taking a sip. “Thank ya.”
Stan shot him a smile. “Thank him.”
“Thank you, Cartman!”
He let out a puff of air. “I know, I’m just so cool or whatever.”
Craig flipped him off, taking a sip from the stupid teal paper cup.
Stan sat back down. “There’s something else. Just for you though,” Cartman said.
Stan pulled out a small piece of paper and unfolded it. He eyed it for a few moments before folding it up and nodding. “Love you.”
“Love you more.” There was a collective gasp. “Oh my god,” Cartman belted out with an eye roll. “Fuck all of you. I can be affectionate. It’s fucking Christmas.”
Kevin pulled a small pot out of a gift bag. Small pink, yellow, and white flowers stood as tall as they could. There was a note with it. His eyes danced over the small card before he smiled. “Huh.” His eyes trailed up to Dovakien. “Are these cosmos?”
Dovakien smiles and nods.
“That is,” he paused, laughing quietly. “So damn cute. Thank ya, bud.”
Dovakien nods again.
Trent opened up the small box in front of him. His eyes landed on a simple pocket knife, the words ‘live and learn’ engraved on it. His lips curled up slightly.
“Cleared it already,” Marjorine said with a small smile. “It’s all yours.”
His smile grew. “Thank you, Marjorine.”
“Pretty sure we owed you one.”
He laughed, causing Stan, Kenny, and Cartman to let out nervous laughs.
“You’re all cut off. I need to know what Princess got me.” Bebe shot Christophe a half hearted glare, eliciting a laugh from him. He pulled a carton from the larger gift bag, eyes lighting up. “You didn’t.”
“I asked one of the ones who know everything.”
He smiled at her before jumping up and running around the table. He wrapped her up in a hug like a giddy child. “Mon ami, thank you!” He placed a sloppy kiss on the top of her head, much like Kenny would.
She swatted at him, laughs bubbling out. “Shut up!”
“But I love you so, fruitcake!!”
The room started howling with laughter at this. Marjorine practically fell out of her chair as she held onto her sides.
Bebe flicked at his forehead, causing him to let her go. “Love you too, idiot.”
He let go of her, circling the table. He kissed the top of Rebecca’s head, obviously too excited to contain himself before he pulled a pack from the carton of Gauloises Bebe gifted him. He quickly lit a cigarette with the zippo that was also left in the bag.
Rebecca was up next. She eyed the tiny box wrapped up in front of her. There was a small bow on top that she carefully pulled off. She glanced at Christophe before looking back at the box. He smiled at her, nodding. “You’re so dumb,” she muttered as she pulled off the wrapping paper.
She opened the box, staring down at what laid inside with surprise. Her smile grew. “Thank you, Chris,” she whispered, looking back up at him.
He shook his head. “No problem, jon,” he said softly.
Clyde and Kenny exchanged grins of the shit-eating variety as he helped her put the bracelet with a small daffodil charm on. She leaned over, pressing a kiss to his temple.
Clyde let out a literal squeal. “I fucking knew it!” Craig swatted at the side of Clyde’s head. “Okay, okay. I’m done.”
Kenny laughed. “Looks like I’m up.”
Clyde grinned at him like an idiot as Kenny ripped off the wrapping paper in the way an unhinged lunatic would. He was out of his chair before anyone could register the book in front of him. The Art and Science of Ernst Haeckel stayed on the table while Kenny wrapped his arms around the brunette. “You like it?”
“Thankyouthankyouthankyou,” Kenny breathed out.
“I wasn’t sure if it’d be good.”
“Very much so good.” Kenny kissed the top of his head before whispering something that made Marjorine giggle.
Dovakien was up next. They pull a small book out of the gift bag and open it, fingers brushing across the page.
“I know you like to observe,” Kenny said with a small smile.
Dovakien smiles and nods, genuinely appreciating the gesture.
Marjorine slowly opened the box in front of her, peaking quickly before closing it. She shot Kevin a smirk from across the table. “Really?”
“I was not aware until recently,” he teased.
A laugh bubbled out of her. “Seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“What’d he get you?” Stan asked.
She opened it back up, holding a ninja star between two fingers. Everyone seemed taken aback, not knowing what to say. Marjorine laughed. “Yeah. That’s what happened,” she said simply.
“Illuminating,” Craig deadpanned after a while of everyone but Marjorine, Kevin, and Bebe sitting there in stunned silence.
Clyde opened up the small box in front of him, having torn into the wrapping paper in a much similar way to Kenny. He lit up as he raised the pocket watch on a chain. It was ornate, something that was definitely old. He ran around the table pulling Tammy into a tight hug. “This is so cool, what the hell?!”
Tammy laughed, hugging him back and ruffling his hair. “Figured you’d like something like this.”
“I’m keeping it forever!” he declared before returning to his seat.
Tweek bit at the corner of his lip, eyes lighting up as Craig pulled a very large t-shirt out of a blue gift bag. Craig gasped, actually gasped, face lighting up like a kid who just got a new toy. The shirt that seemed to just be a regular shirt fell onto the table as Craig crashed into his boyfriend. “Babe!”
“Not a big deal,” Tweek said through his laughs.
“These haven’t even existed since like the 90’s!”
“You’re such a nerd,” Tweek murmured, hugging him tighter. Craig gave him a quick kiss, murmuring something barely audible. “Mhm.”
Tweek looked at the small bag on the table in front of him before looking at Ike and smiling. “Open it!” Ike shouted, mock-scolding him.
Tweek laughed, pulling out a bag of ground coffee. It was something fancy that only Tweek seemed to pick up on being ‘special’. He lit up. “Thank you, Ike!”
Ike lit up. “I have something else.”
Stan and Cartman sputtered into laughs.
“Is that so?” Craig asked with amusement.
Ike popped up, jumping onto the table.
“AAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAZINGGGGG GRAAAAACEEEEEEEEE-