Better Days

WANDA POV:

Natasha and I watched movies for the rest of the night as I tried to calm down from my nightmares. They were still flashing through my head, but I had stopped crying or panicking. 

We finally got up to eat around 6:30. Steve had already gotten back from his morning run and was sipping on a protein shake as we entered the kitchen. He looked at both of us and smiled sympathetically, like he knew that we had a rough night. 

Natasha smiled back at him as she started to make breakfast. I was wearing a short sleeve shirt because that is what Nat had me put on after she found out about my self-harm which meant that Steve could clearly see the gauze. I watched as his eyes wandered down and then locked onto my wrists. 

I looked at the plate of pancakes placed in front of me and slowly ate them, fighting against Pietro and Nat calling me fat in my dream. I knew that they didn't actually think that but it was hard to grasp that as I ate the food.

I finished and expected to get up and go to the gym like Nat and I always did after breakfast but apparently Nat had a different idea. "Let's go," she said after we were both done. I followed her and realized that we were not going to the gym but rather her room, not ours, her old one.

"Aren't we going to go train?" I asked her as she sat on the bed.

"Maybe in a little bit, I want to have a conversation first though. Sit," she said calmly as she tapped her hand on the bed next to her. I slowly walked over and sat, facing Nat. 

"I want to start this conversation by saying that I am not upset, mad, or disappointed in you. This conversation needs to happen though. I need you to tell me what's going on in your nightmares. We need to work through them because you can't keep going like this." She was talking in a calm tone but there was a firm edge, letting me know that I wasn't going to get out of this.

"Nothing happens in my nightmares," I mumbled, my eyes no longer meeting Nat's. I couldn't tell her what happened in them, she would think I'm weak and a baby.

"Honey, something happens or you wouldn't wake up scared every night. You know that this isn't healthy and that you aren't getting enough sleep. So let me ask again, what happens in your nightmares?"

"Nothing," I snapped, getting irritated that she was trying to get me to open up. I was fine, I got enough sleep every night.

"Wanda," she warned quietly, "I need something, anything."

"No," I said as I crossed my arms. 

I heard Nat sigh and looked up to see her rubbing a hand over her face, "Okay, if you don't want to talk about your nightmares at the moment, then we can talk about the other thing that needs to be talked about, why have you been self-harming again?" Her tone was still gentle but it was a lot more firm than earlier and I felt my eyes getting teary.

"I don't want to talk about it," I mumbled.

"I know you don't but you no longer have a choice. This is starting to affect your life, you need help. If you don't want to talk to me that's fine, we can get you a therapist instead."

"No!" I shouted. "I'm not talking to a therapist! You can't make me!"

"Then you need to talk to me. If you do not open up to me at least a little bit, then you're going to have to go to a therapist." The tears threatened to spill over at this statement and I turned my body away from Nat, not wanting to talk about this.

"Wanda, I just want to help you. I'm not doing this to be mean, I want to help you and in order to do that, I need to figure out what is going on inside of your head, please." 

"I don't want to talk!" I shouted again.

"Wanda!" she snapped. "I get that you are upset but the yelling needs to stop. I am trying to have an adult conversation with you right now and you are making it extremely difficult."

"Whatever," I muttered but luckily Nat didn't hear me as she didn't comment. 

"You can talk about whatever you want right now Wanda, I just need to understand what is going on so I can help you. Can you walk me through one of your dreams?" I ignored her as I continued to face the wall. She sighed as she said, "Fine Wanda, if you don't want to talk, that's fine. We will sit in this room until you decide to talk to me or agree to talk to a therapist. When it's time for lunch, I'll bring it in here and you can eat and then we'll continue to sit in here. I don't care how long this takes Wanda, I'm done letting you suffer by yourself. Just know that you will not be leaving this room until you talk."

"What?" I shouted. "That's so unfair! You can't do that! You can't make me talk! They're my dreams, not yours and you can't force me to sit here and talk to you about them!" I was getting more upset sitting here with her.

"Watch your tone," she told me calmly. "And yes, I can make you stay in this room, I'm your mother and I'm just doing what's best for you."

"You're not my mother," I sneered angrily. "You are a sadistic bitch who wants to see me suffer, you don't care about me." I was surprised when she didn't yell at me for that. I glanced at her and saw hurt flash across her face but it quickly settled back into a neutral expression.

"If that's what you think Wanda, that's fine. But you're wrong. It still doesn't change the plan here," she responded calmly. I was honestly surprised that my comment didn't make her lash out at me, she stayed remarkably calm.

I was angry that she wasn't getting upset at all. She was just sitting there with a bored expression on her face as she scrolled through her phone. I had gotten up off of the bed and felt Nat's eyes on me as I walked across the room and sat in the chair. She didn't say anything but turned back to her phone as I huffed.

We sat in the room silently for hours until I had to use the bathroom. I was still mad at Nat so I didn't say anything as I stood up and walked through the door of her room. 

"Where are you going?" she called out to me.

"None of your damn business Romanoff," I said as I continued to walk.

I felt a hand on my arm and turned to see her staring at me, "You'll watch your attitude if you know what's good for you young lady," she told me sternly as I glared at the floor. "There is a perfectly good bathroom in my room, let's go." She dragged me back in the room and pointed to the connected bathroom. 

I stomped into the bathroom and did my business. While I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror and was taken aback. I had huge bags under my eyes and my face looked sunken in. I thought I was at a healthy weight but maybe not. I looked so tired which matched how I felt. 

I left the bathroom and Natasha was no longer sitting on the bed. Where'd she go? I remembered that the compound had an AI, so I asked, "FRIDAY, where is Natasha?"

"Agent Romanoff is currently walking down the hallway. She will enter the room in approximately five seconds." I went and sat back down in the chair in the corner, still not over my anger with her.

She entered the room and handed me a plate with a PB sandwich. "Eat," she told me as she walked to the bed with her own plate. I watched her as she ate but I didn't touch mine, still angry and not wanting to listen to her.

She looked up at me and saw that I had not touched my sandwich so she said, "You need to eat." She was being cold towards me and it hurt. I was angry at her but I missed her warmth towards me.

"I don't have to, I'm not hungry," I snapped moodily.

"Fine, but this is all you get until dinner so don't complain to me when you are hungry." I was shocked, that was the complete opposite reaction than I expected. Normally, she was doing whatever she could to get me to eat, not restricting my food privileges. I didn't say anything though as I turned in the chair so that I was facing away from her. 

I ended up picking at my sandwich and eating about half of it since I was a little hungry, I never would've admitted it to Natasha though. 

We sat there for three more hours, not doing or saying anything, and I was getting bored. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt towards how I spoke to Nat. I was just angry that she was trying to force me to talk to her. 

Nat had spent the last three hours sitting on the bed, back against the headboard, doing something on her phone. I could occasionally feel her eyes on me but only for quick glances. 

I wanted to go train or watch movies with Nat, not sit in this room silently. "Nat," I quietly spoke up, peeking at her from behind my eyelashes.

She set her phone down and looked at me. "Can we talk now?" I asked sheepishly.

"We can talk whenever you're ready." I got up from my place on the chair and walked to the edge of the bed, sitting on it with my legs crossed. I faced her but kept my head pointed to the ground.

"I don't want to talk about my nightmares, I don't want to relive them," I mumbled. "It's too hard."

Natasha sighed as she started talking. "Wanda, you are not getting enough sleep at night. You need to talk to someone about them because obviously keeping them locked away is not working for you. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, I'm sure someone on the team would talk to you or we could get you a therapist but you need to talk to someone." I felt my anger flare at the mention of a therapist but I kept it under control as I thought it over. 

"They're usually about you or Pietro," I started extremely quietly. I glanced up at her to see that she was still watching me so I quickly looked back at the bed, playing with the comforter with my fingers. "Pietro usually yells at me for replacing him and my family, then he usually ends up dying. Sometimes I'm the one who shoots him, other times the bullet holes just appear and he slowly dies. You and Clint usually are there, yelling at me for killing him. Then you kill me," my voice was a whisper as I finished. 

Nat didn't say anything but was still listening waiting for me to continue. "Other times, you, my family, and the entire team are yelling at me, calling me names. Sometimes I watch you all die, sometimes I'm the one who's dying. Sometimes I kill you guys while everyone who is alive tries to kill me. I've been buried alive, threatened with a knife, shot, been strangled, I think that's all. I don't remember anymore."

"Okay," Nat broke the small moment of silence. "I first want to say thank you for sharing that with me." I nodded but still had my head down, trying to hide the tears that were forming. I finally realized how tired I was. Not just physically but mentally. The nightmares were every single night and I couldn't escape them. They were affecting me more than I realized and I was done. I think last night was the last straw.

Nat continued, "Secondly, everyone loves you. I love you, Clint loves you, Pietro loved you," I choked at hearing "loved" instead of "loves," just another reminder that he was gone forever. "Your family loved you, Pepper loves you, Tony and Steve love you, everyone here loves you Wanda and we want to help you. What you hear in your dreams is not true, we could never hate you, no matter what you did. We will all always be here to take care of you and be here to help you if you need it. We love you so much honey and it hurts us to see you suffer every night. Pietro and your family dying was not your fault. I need you to understand that-"

"But it was!" I protested, cutting her off. "Pietro and I volunteered to be experimented on in order to get off of the streets. Pietro was trying to take care of me. If I was never there, then Pietro could have lived on the streets because he was strong. Then we never would have ended up with Hydra and Ultron. It was my fault he died. He was constantly worried about me and I was always holding him back because I was the weak twin." I remember Pietro telling me this in a dream so I was using it as evidence to prove my point.

"Wanda, none of that was your fault. You are not weak, you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You have made it through so much and you're still fighting. That's amazing honey. You were young when you volunteered to be experimented on, no one was there to help you or guide you. You two were young and lost and just trying to make it. That is not your fault. You didn't have someone then but you have someone now. I'm here and I'm never going to stop being here for you."

That was enough to make me break down as I broke into sobs, curling into myself. I felt the bed indent next to me and warm arms wrap around me as I continued to cry.

I wrapped my arms around Nat's neck as I gripped onto her shirt. I was so tired, I just wanted my mama to fix it. Through my tears, I continued to talk. "And I'm so sorry for self-harming. I was starting to feel happier and I couldn't be happy without Pietro. It felt like I was betraying him and moving on without him. I found the rubber band and figured that it was better than cutting so I used that to keep myself in check. Now you took it away and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so scared mama!" I cried into her arms.

"It's okay sweet girl," she told me soothingly as she rocked me. "I'm here, I'll never let anything happen to you. I'll do my best to always protect you, even things in your dreams. "Shh, I've got you, I'm not leaving. Everything's going to be okay, shh, I love you so much." She continued to tell me soothing things as I relaxed against her.

Soon, I finished crying and was just sitting in her arms, relishing in the comfort that they offered me. "I'm sorry for being rude earlier," I apologized, feeling bad.

"Oh yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. That stuff is not acceptable. I get that you were upset and that's why you weren't punished but that cannot happen again. If you ever cuss at me or call me a sadistic bitch again, I will not hesitate to pull you over my knee right then and there, understand?" She was firm but gentle as she told me this.

My stomach squirmed at the mention of the childish punishment but I nodded. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

"I know you didn't," she said, back to her soft tone. 

We stayed on the bed, curled up into each other for about an hour. It was already dinner time so I slowly moved out of her arms and got off of the bed. "Can we go get dinner now?" I asked quietly. 

"Of course," she said as she got off of the bed and stood next to me. I was feeling extra vulnerable at the moment so I grabbed onto her shirt as I pulled my body close to hers as we walked down the hallway.

The entire team was in the dining room, already eating. We sat down at our spots at the table and Nat got both of us a plate. We were having a chicken casserole and I wasn't really hungry. 

I kind of lost my appetite over all of the emotions that I had experienced. Luckily, Nat must've known because she only gave me a small serving, saying that I could always get more. 

I was able to eat the child-portion but was full after that. The team insisted that we had a movie night so I sat between Nat and Pepper on the couch once all of the dishes were done. 

We were watching some kind of romantic comedy but I couldn't focus on it. I was so tired, from not getting sleep due to nightmares and then emotionally straining day. I was trying to stay awake as I was terrified of the nightmares that awaited me but I was slowly losing the battle. I was also still processing the entire day, replaying the conversations I had with Nat.

I started to panic because I was feeling sleep overcome me. Nat had gotten up to use the bathroom so I had time to get my emotions under control. 

Unfortunately, Pepper was watching me and realized I was panicking. "Sweetie, are you okay?" she asked me as she leaned down next to my ear so as not to disturb the movie. 

"Can't breathe," I whispered as I clawed at my chest. I couldn't sleep and my eyelids kept closing against my will. I hated this!

"Shh, you're okay. Deep breaths," Pepper was able to guide me through some deep breathing exercises and I was calm by the time Nat re-entered the room. 

"You okay?" Nat asked as I was leaning into Pepper's side. I nodded and Nat smiled, sitting back down next to me. I shifted out of Pepper's arms and into Nat's, resting my head on her shoulder. 

"I don't want to sleep Tasha," I mumbled from my spot on the couch.

"You'll be okay, I'll be right here. I'll wake you if you're having a nightmare," Nat reassured me and I was able to fall asleep feeling calm, still in the living room with my family.

NATASHA POV:

Wanda and I ended up watching movies for the rest of the night. She never seemed to completely calm down and seemed anxious. I had decided that we would be having the conversation today. 

When I started staying with Clint and Laura, I had a lot of nightmares. I would wake up screaming nearly every night, sometimes more than once, just like Wanda. Clint and Laura would constantly make sure that I was okay but I was becoming sleep deprived so one day, Laura finally sat me down and forced me to talk.

She told me that I was not allowed to leave the room until I talked to her. There were a lot of tears from me that day but I left feeling calmer and with a stronger relationship with Laura. The nightmares never fully went away but they did calm down after I talked about them. It took more than just one conversation for them to slow down though, but the first conversation really was the one that broke the ice and made it much easier to talk about them and get over them.

We ate breakfast and then I decided to start the conversation. This could be a quick in and out thing but if it was anything like my conversation with Laura, we'd be here for awhile.

"Aren't we going to go train?" Wanda asked me as we entered my room. 

"Maybe in a little bit, I want to have a conversation first though. Sit," I patted the bed next to me. She came next to me and sat down, facing me but avoiding my eyes. "I want to start this conversation by saying that I am not upset, mad, or disappointed in you. This conversation needs to happen though." I wanted to make it crystal clear that Wanda was not in trouble. "I need you to tell me what's going on in your nightmares. We need to work through them because you can't keep going like this." 

I made sure I was calm but I wasn't talking as loose as I normally do with her. I wanted her to know that she wasn't in trouble but that this was a much needed conversation. It wasn't optional.

"Nothing happens in my nightmares." I knew with that statement that this was not going to be an easy conversation. I honestly didn't really expect it to be that easy but that just confirmed it for me. 

"Honey, something happens or you wouldn't wake up scared every night. You know that this isn't healthy and that you aren't getting enough sleep. So let me ask again, what happens in your nightmares?" I was still extremely calm and I had even softened my voice slightly.

"Nothing!" she snapped at me and I raised an eyebrow even though she wasn't looking at my face. 

"Wanda, I need something, anything," I practically begged her, wanting to help her.

"No," she said as she took a more defensive stance. 

This wasn't going to be easy at all. I sighed and took a different route. "Okay, if you don't want to talk about your nightmares at the moment, then we can talk about the other thing that needs to be talked about, why have you been self-harming again?" I was being firm with her because she needed to understand that this was serious. I was still trying to stay calm with her though, I didn't need her getting more upset with me.

"I don't want to talk about it," she told me quietly.

"I know you don't but you no longer have a choice." I felt cruel as I told her this but it needed to be said. Her nightmares were interfering with her function-ability so I could no longer let it slide and go on. "This is starting to affect your life, you need help. If you don't want to talk to me that's fine, we can get you a therapist instead."

"No!" she shouted before I could go on. "I'm not talking to a therapist! You can't make me!"

"Then you need to talk to me," I replied smoothly. "If you do not open up to me at least a little bit, then you're going to have to go to a therapist." She was still facing the bed and I could hear a few sniffles as she turned away from me. "Wanda, I just want to help you. I'm not doing this to be mean, I want to help you and in order to do that, I need to figure out what is going on inside of your head, please."

"I don't want to talk!" she yelled.

"Wanda!" I snapped. Yelling was not okay, especially if it was aimed towards me. "I get that you are upset but the yelling needs to stop. I am trying to have an adult conversation with you right now and you are making it extremely difficult."

"Whatever," she muttered and I chose not to say anything, knowing that it would only rile us both up more.

"You can talk about whatever you want right now Wanda, I just need to understand what is going on so I can help you. Can you walk me through one of your dreams?" She still didn't answer so I continued, "Fine Wanda, if you don't want to talk, that's fine. We will sit in this room until you decide to talk to me or agree to talk to a therapist. When it's time for lunch, I'll bring it in here and you can eat and then we'll continue to sit in here. I don't care how long this takes Wanda, I'm done letting you suffer by yourself. Just know that you will not be leaving this room until you talk." This was a similar lecture to the one that Laura gave me many years ago.

"What? That's so unfair! You can't do that! You can't make me talk! They're my dreams, not yours and you can't force me to sit here and talk to you about them!" And Wanda's reaction was similar to mine at that time. 

"Watch your tone, and yes, I can make you stay in this room, I'm your mother and I'm just doing what's best for you."

"You're not my mother," she hissed and I felt a stab of pain go through my heart. "You are a sadistic bitch who wants to see me suffer, you don't care about me." I had to fight my instinct to grab her and place a few swats on her backside. I knew that all that would do would be to make her more upset and myself more upset so I refrained. 

"If that's what you think Wanda, that's fine," I told her, trying to keep my voice steady. "But you're wrong. It still doesn't change the plan here." I watched as she got up and moved to the chair in the corner of my room. That was fine, she was not required to sit on the bed. As long as she stayed in the room, I didn't really care where she sat. 

I texted with Clint, trying to forget about Wanda telling me that I wasn't her mother. Those words had hurt me more than she thought.

We sat in the room quietly for a long time before she got up and made to leave the room. "Where are you going?" I asked as I got off of the bed to follow her. 

"None of your damn business Romanoff." I was about one step away from pulling her over my knee so I had to take a deep breath to calm myself down. I didn't want to do or say anything that I would regret. 

I grabbed her arm and turned her to face me. "You'll watch your attitude if you know what's good for you young lady." She was on thin ice. One more rude comment might just land her a spanking. I was trying to be extra patient with her though as I knew she was over tired. "There is a perfectly good bathroom in my room, let's go." I kept my grasp on her gentle as I brought her back to my room. I was honestly surprised she didn't fight with me more.

She went into the bathroom so I went to the kitchen to get us some lunch after informing FRIDAY to keep an eye on her. I made some peanut-butter sandwiches and then headed back to my room.

She was back in the chair by the time I entered the room so I handed her a plate and told her to eat. There were still waves of anger coming off of her so I went back to the bed instead of attempting to talk to her.

"You need to eat," I told her sternly when I noticed that she hadn't touched her sandwich. I know it was cruel of me because she still had a hard time with food but her words were still ringing in my head and they were hurtful. 

"I don't have to, I'm not hungry," she snapped.

"Fine, but this is all you get until dinner so don't complain to me when you get hungry." I knew that she would use that as an excuse later so I made sure to mention it now. 

She turned her body away from me but she did start to eat her sandwich. I hid my smile behind my phone as I watched her eat. 

The team texted me, asking where we were, so I told them that we were fine but that we would like to be undisturbed as we were trying to work something out. I gave Pepper more details but the entire compound did not need to know what was going on. Pepper and Clint were currently the only two with extra information. All everyone else knew was that we were discussing something.

I answered some emails, went over some case files, and texted during the several hours spent in the room. Finally, Wanda's small voice spoke up, "Nat."

I set my phone down to look at her. "Can we talk now?"

"We can talk whenever you're ready." Wanda moved from the chair back to the bed as she faced me. She gave in a lot sooner than I had. For that I was glad. I know that I had made this conversation a living hell for Laura.

"I don't want to talk about my nightmares, I don't want to relive them. It's too hard."

"Wanda, you are not getting enough sleep at night. You need to talk to someone about them because obviously keeping them locked away is not working for you. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, I'm sure someone on the team would talk to you or we could get you a therapist but you need to talk to someone." Wanda tensed when I mentioned a therapist but her body quickly slumped back over after she took some deep breaths.  

"They're usually about Pietro." Here we go. She launched into an explanation about some of her many dreams and I could feel my chest getting tighter and tighter as she went on. No wonder she would wake up crying every night. Apparently we all kill her in all of her dreams. When she said that it was usually me, I almost threw up. Was she scared of me? She got quieter and quieter as she went on, and her voice grew more and more shaky. 

She finally finished and we sat in silence for a minute. I was processing all of the information that she just gave me and she was waiting for my response. "Okay, I first want to say thank you for sharing that with me." I knew how hard it was to share personal information so the fact that she did to me that quickly meant that she was much stronger than me at that age. I heard her start to sniff and wipe her face so I continued, "Secondly, everyone loves you. I love you, Clint loves you, Pietro loved you," she gasped slightly when I mentioned him. "Your family loved you, Pepper loves you, Tony and Steve loves you, everyone here loves you Wanda and we want to help you. What you hear in your dreams is not true, we could never hate you, no matter what you did. We will always be here to take care of you and be here to help you if you need it. We love you so much honey and it hurts to see you suffer every night. Pietro and your family dying was not your fault. I need you to understand that-"

"But it was!" she interrupted but I let her continue. "Pietro and I volunteered to be experimented on in order to get off of the streets. Pietro was trying to take care of me. If I was never there, then Pietro could have lived on the streets because he was strong. Then we never would have ended up with Hydra and Ultron. It was my fault he died. He was constantly worried about me and I was always holding him back because I was the weak twin.

"Wanda," I started once I was sure she was done. "None of that was your fault. You are not weak, you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You have made it through so much and you're still fighting. That's amazing honey. You were young when you volunteered to be experimented on, no one was there to help you or guide you. You two were young and lost and just trying to make it. That is not your fault. You didn't have someone then but you have someone now. I'm here and I'm never going to stop being here for you." I wanted her to understand this.

She started sobbing as she bent all the way over to curl in on herself. My heart broke as I watched her break down so I slowly moved close to her and pulled her into a hug. 

She held onto me tight as she started talking. "And I'm so sorry for self-harming. I was starting to feel happier and I couldn't be happy without Pietro. It felt like I was betraying him and moving on without him. I found the rubber band and figured that it was better than cutting so I used that to keep myself in check. Now you took it away and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm scared mama!" she cried.

"It's okay sweet girl," I told her as I shushed her, rocking her slowly. Every time she called me mama, it made my heart swell. I loved her so much it hurt. I assured her that I wasn't leaving and that she would be okay. I know what it's like to feel utterly scared and hopeless and I don't want her to feel this way so I tried whatever I could to make that feeling go away.

She stopped crying and apologized for being rude which reminded me. "Oh yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. That stuff is not acceptable. I get that you were upset and that's why you weren't punished but that cannot happen again. If you ever cuss at me or call me a sadistic bitch again, I will not hesitate to pull you over my knee right then and there, understand?" 

She nodded as she pulled closer to me. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."

"I know you didn't," I told her calmly, feeling relief at hearing her say that. 

"Can we go get dinner now?" she asked after a while so I told her of course as we got up to go eat. 

Everyone was already eating when we got there but it looked like they just started so I served Wanda and myself a plate and then sat down. I decided to give her a small serving because she had had a hard day. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to eat a ton.

All of the guys insisted that we watch some new movie tonight so after dinner was done, we all gathered in the living room to watch it. I wasn't really interested but I watched it for the sake of something to do. I felt Wanda trying to fight sleep because her body would lean on mine and then jerk as she sat up. Maybe she just really wanted to watch the movie but I had a feeling she was fighting sleep for another reason.

I had to use the bathroom so I got up after locking eyes with Pepper, making sure she watched my girl.

By the time I got back, Wanda was tucked into Pepper's side. "You okay?" I asked quietly as I sat down. 

"Panic attack," I saw Pepper mouth as Wanda nodded. Pepper had always been good at calming people down from panic attacks as she spent a lot of time with Tony. I knew that he had panic attacks and she just had a way with them. 

I felt Wanda lean into my side and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders. "I don't want to sleep Tasha." I remembered her comment from earlier about being scared so I assured her that I would wake her up if she had a nightmare. This seemed to calm her down as she fell asleep against me.