explanations
A few weeks later I walk into the kitchen on Saturday to so strange sight.
Shuri and Peter have obviously had another Star Wars marathon and were on the sofa dead asleep. Sketched plans for a BB-8 robot litter the floor among popcorn kernels and water bottles.
‘This is sad’ I state, standing in front of the sleeping teens smiling
‘FRIDAY play despacito on full volume’ Despacito glares out of the speakers, even I put my hands over my ears. Peter reacts almost instantly, flipping up and crouching-yes crouching on the ceiling. Shuri somehow doesn’t even twitch
‘Jesus Red, you scared the spider out of me’ Peter exclaims jumping down and flopping back onto the couch
‘FRIDAY stop, and invent Protocol STE-Save the Eardrums, preventing Red form playing anything at full volume’ He rubs his temples and shakes Shuri
‘Come on Shuri wake up-you ready to create bb-8?’ he asks, obviously excited. The Princess groans something and slowly stands up stretching
‘yesses lets go’ she yawns, I narrow my eyes
‘When was the las time you guys a) slept properly b) ate a square meal c)wash or change your clothes?’ Shuri rolls her eyes
‘Well today is Saturday… so 4 weeks ago on Wednesday-Lets go Spidey’ and they run off, still half asleep to the lab.
The kitchen is empty now-Steve ad Nat are away on a mission and have been for 2 weeks, they are expected back soon though, Nat and I planned to communicate during this time but I’ve had all my exams so have been cramming, eating or pestering Dr Banner, Clint has gone home for a break, Tony has locked himself in his lab making a present for Pepper. And Val and Thor left a few days ago for Asgard, and his yearly kingly rubbish. Leaving only Me, Shrui, Peter, Banner (poor dude being stuck with us) and Carol. I eat slowly and head down to the training room. After a sold couple of hours, I am exhausted but at 7pm FRIDAY makes an announcement that make me grin
‘Good evening Red, Agent Romanoff and Rogers have arrived back, Agent Romanoff is in the gun range and Steve is making his way up here’ It’s been a month since the ballet incident. We have never talked about it, beither of us want to, I think she knows it was me who saw her, but her eyes have never been haunted since, they twinkle with love and laughter and sometimes threat when she is loosing Pictionary. I grin and get ready to go down and
‘Thanks FRIDAY’ I run all the way down the stairs and take a deap breath before sneaking int the range. Nat is standing stiffly, headphones latched on, arms out firing shot after shot after shot. Switching hands after 3 bulls’ eyes. But there’s something wrong with her stance. She looks more tired, more hurt, more anxious and at unease. I sneak up behind her and tap her on the shoulder.
‘Hey’ In a second the headphones have been ripped off and I am being hurled across the room, too quickly for me to react. A knife is held strongly to my throat. Nat’s eyes stare into mine but they are empty emotionless and cold. They widen as they see what they’ve done and push me away
‘Ooh my God Red, I’m so sorry, don’t sneak up in me like that’ Tears have filled her eyes, I’ve never seen Nat cry useless its from the nightmares, but with her eyes so empty and a knife at my throat she terrifies me.
‘It…its okay… i… im going to….go now’ I stammer out and run out of the room. I hear a sob as the door slams behind me
***
Nat's POV
I pulled some weeds and left some flowers.
I think back to those words I said to Steve at the funeral of Peggy Carter.
I didn’t except to find a family; I didn’t except to be welcomed or forgiven. I just wanted to kill the people that had hurt me. That had turned me into their pawn, into their weapon. Going home was a big decision, it wasn’t my home really. All I knew about my past was The Red Room, Yelena, killing, handcuffs and graduation. All we were taught was how to be used, how to watch the light drain from someone’s eyes and feel nothing, how to be monsters. And that’s what Red sees me as now.
The mission was not meant to go sideways. Steve and I had been sent out to Germany, Berlin to stop children trafficking. People were kidnapping young kids of 6-13 and they needed to be stopped. Not really particularly difficult mission-until all our enemies were found dead. Shot, from point blank range. No fights, no scabbling no arguments.
Dead. The children were found huddled in the corner, having been given food, water and clothed by the mystery woman. But she was not a mystery to me, I knew that MO. When I had returned to Russia to find my birth parents all I got were two graves linked by a steel chain.
We have what we have when we have it. But I didnt want to have a past. So I burnt the Red Room to the ground. Standing, in the middle of no-where surrounded by my nightmares I could only feel satisfaction and regret as the flames licked up the concrete walls. They did not catch me. But I left them a note, a simple message.
A pointe shoe. The inside was stained with blood but was was clear it was a Black Widow’s. I still have the other one now.
When I ran I felt regret, when I fought I felt regret, when I stood there I felt regret. Regret for leaving the one person that had loved me for Nat not Widow. I had left Yelena, but now I had found her.
Standing there in the abandoned warehouse, surrounded by bodies and children my past came rushing up-not to meet me but to punch me in the face. ‘she was tall’ ‘had a mask on’ ‘was wearing white’ The children were telling the officers ‘they didn’t see her until she smiled at them’
God how I missed that smile. It was Yelena who had taught me how to smirk.
The cold, hard smile of an empty killer, who knew they would be the last person you would see.
Steve handled the rest. I had to leave, I had to run again, run again like a coward.
***
I bite my lip anxiously waiting outside Nat’s room, she doesn’t hear me this time I am practised. I debate going in but settle for a safer approach I drop into soul with practised ease almost instantly pulling the string that leads to Nat.
Her heart rate is high and nervous and I can feel her shallow breath. She lets me in without complaint
Me: Im sorry
Nat: For what
Me: For scaring you in the range, I shouldn’t have crept up on you
Nat: That’s okay kid, its my fault, I shouldn’t have nearly stabbed you
Me: It’s fine, what is life without a little stabbage
Nat: Happy.
Me: What’s the matter супер-мама
Nat: I’m fine Me: If you could see me I’m rolling my eyes right now
Nat: I’ll be okay Red
Me: It was your past wasn’t it
Nat: What
Me: It rushed up to meet you
Nat: Punched me in the gut is more like it (Long pause)
Me: I’m not reading your thoughts right now, so you can consider talking to me safely if you like
Nat: That’s okay
Me: Please Nat
Nat: …Did I ever tell you I had a sister?...
Me: I have an aunt?
Nat: Yelena Belova; best thing ever to happen to me
Me: Did you meet in the Red Room?
Nat: She gave me scraps from her dress to wrap around my wrist, so the handcuffs didn’t hurt too much
Me: I’m so sorry Nat
Nat: It’s not your fault
Me: No, but I’m still sorry you had to go through that. If I ever found those people I would burnt them to the ground
Nat: I already have
Me: Wait what?
Nat: A few years ago, we released all SHEILD files to the internet, it was the only option. All my covers, all my identities, all the fronts I can hide behind gone. So, I went away, to try and find a new me. I went to Russia, to find my birth parents. I found two gravestones so I pulled some weeds and left some flowers-they deserved more, but I couldn’t give it to them. We have what we have when we have it But I had to change the future. No more kidnapping, no more child weapons, no more graduation or handcuffs
Me: So you burnt the Red Room down?
Nat: Exactly. It had been failing since I managed to leave. Many girls had been trying to follow my footsteps.
They were, they were hung, the noose was just long enough that if they stood on pointe they could breathe. They were left for 5 days until all 17 girls were dead from snapped ankles, or asphyxiation or crushed toes.
All dead because of me. Because they fought for a life worth living. I heard that Yelena has escaped, she was the only one other than me who did. I had never been prouder. Standing there, as my past fell in a heap of flames, well, I would have given anything for her to be beside me.
Squeezing my hand
Me: She would have been so proud your you too. Of what you’ve become
Nat: I still have Red on my leger
Me: No you do not Natasha. You have turned you life around. You are doing good, you are helping. You have saved the world
Nat: You don’t understand. No one does, what I did, what they did to us isn’t going to go away. Yelena was and is the only person that can understand the things that happened and how they affect us
Me: So its obvious what we need to do
Nat: Don’t say movie marathon
Me: Find her, you can talk to her, let her belong, let her join our family (silence)
Me: Would you like me to come in?
Nat: I’ll be fine, I’ve got some thinking to do
Me: no handcuffs though
Nat: you know it