Handcuffs
The room is laid with blood, blood, and bodies. The aliens are soaring off the roof and I can hear the screams of the pedestrians below and the sound of guns and fire and blasts, but a weak voice is calling me
‘Red, you could have saved us’ I turn and see Natasha, lying in a heap on the floor, blood seeping from a giant wound in her side
‘I trusted you, I thought you were better than this, I thought you we'-but her eyes glass over and she falls back
Dead. I look around at the fallen team. All dead because of me. But im searching, scanning for one person, one body I both hope and dread to see. Val.
‘Help Elskan’ a cry cuts through the air and I spin, trying to light up my dawn, but it is gone, vanished, I’ve failed my power too.
Val is being held up by her hair, an alien is pressing a gun to her temple and her screams smash my soul. Her hair is loose, her armour stained but she looks to me for support, which I cannot give her. I have failed.
‘You left us Red’ she sobs ‘You abandoned us when we needed you and look at what you have caused’ she screams at me. Tears are pouring down my cheeks, but I can’t move towards her, my feet are bolted to the floor.
She looks deep into my eyes and reached behind her, smiling sadly
‘I loved you’ and in a quick movement her dragon fang flashes, and she topples backwards. I don’t even get to see her body hit the pavement.
I wake with a gasp to FRIDAY’s Irish lilt
‘Its okay Red, you are safe and everyone else is healthy and happy. Would you like me to initiate protocol Shakespeare in the Park?’
I resister the sweat on my brow and the way my sheets have tangled and entrapped my legs
Just a dream, everyone is safe
‘No thanks FRI, I think I just need some water’ I say, slowing getting up and traipsing to the door, unsurprisingly (it I 2 am) the kitchen is deserted and I sit on the counter top as I gulp down the cold water and try to lower my pulse.
On the way back I sneak into Val’s room, she is sleeping peacefully, I shouldn’t disturb her I recon an continue down the corridor still withing for a hug and some kind words. I wander around outside my door for a bit until a soft voice floats through the door
‘Are you going to carry on pacing outside мой ребенок or are you going to come in and tell me what’s the matter?’ I wince. Of course, Nat would know I was here. I push open the door slowly
‘Hey’ I whisper sticking my head around the door. Nat is sitting up in bed and as I pad in and pats the bed next to her giving me a small smile
‘Hey’ her right arm is pinned behind her in something I only notice when I lie down on the bed next to her.
Oh my god handcuffs Nat.
Sharp, uncomfortable steel handcuffs are attached to the bed posts. Nat’s always had scars on her wrists, thin welts cutting through her pale skin, but we always thought it was from a fight, not something she did to herself.
The spy registers the flicker in my expression and reaches over. After a few second fiddling she is free and puts both arms around me. I don’t realise the tears rolling down my cheek after a few seconds I build up the courage to speak
‘Why Nat’ I sob ‘why hurt yourself like that, it never turns out well’
She doesn’t ask me how I know but her eyes flick to the Criss cross slashes on my bicep
‘You can tell me anything Nat, but please just tell me. If never helps and I just wish someone had told me to talk to them’ I beg and after a moment’s careful consideration speaks softly, staring into space with an expression of pure hurt in her eyes
‘In The Red Room, where I grew up, where I was trained, we were chained to our beds every night. The ones that struggled were gone in the morning. It was so that we learnt not to let the nightmare bother us. The nightmares of the people we hurt or even killed sometimes just in training’ Her American accent is gone, shed like a coat and she speaks huskily, Russian biting at her words. I hug her gently and we curl into one another as she continues
‘In the Red Room I was good; I was the best. It’s the only time in my life I’ve been the best at something. So, I worked hard. Or I worked harder. So now the handcuffs are my coping mechanism. The Red Room was hell on earth. The things they made us do. The things they did to us were unimaginable, but purpose kept me going and so did resisting the handcuffs. They remind me of times I had a schedule, I knew what was coming, when I didn’t have a past I didn’t have a list of enemy or innocent people I’ve killed waiting to sneak up on me.
I can never have a real life, I can never leave this behind me, I can never have a family, or have children I can never be a mother. I would give my life to have no past, to have a clean slate. I would do anything to have someone to love, to protect someone to call my own’ she sobs
I know what I have to do. I reach down slowly and pick up her left hand. Then I loosely loop my fingers around her wrist, joining my thump and index finder around the scars, becoming her human handcuffs. She tries to pull away, but I told her tight. After a few seconds sitting in silence the woman so strong on the outside lets me in.
‘I used to have nothing. Then I got this, this job, this family. And I am better because of it, I think. But now all I can think about is how far I could fall if someone cuts the string. I don’t have a third chance; I have to go back to being the best’
I say nothing-nothing needs to be said, but loop my right fingers around her right, interlocking us so my fingers are both her handcuffs
‘You don’t need a third chance Natasha. You are acing your second chance. We all love you and you are valued.’ I reply slowly settling into the shaking figure
‘Thank you Red’ she whispers, and she holds me tight, our tears mixing together as we draw strength from the spirits, we have hurt ourselves.
Later that night I use my dawn to break and melt the metal of the steel traps. I know what I am doing to do with it.
***
Nat
Iris didn’t relise I was awake when she left. In the Red Room they trained us to slow our heart rate to seem like we were sleeping-or even unconscious. They used to fire guns beside our heads to teach us not to flinch. Once Madam aimed wrong and the bullet went straight through the girls skull. She was 8.
I think back to what Iris said
‘we all love you and you are valued’
No, I don’t care I thinks to myself
I don’t care, I’m the Black Widow. No, I don’t feel like crying at this moment, I’m the Black Widow. I don’t laugh or cry at a stupid comment given by a lost teen, I am the black Widow.
I am the Black Widows, and Black Widows don’t laugh or cry.
But in this moment I’m just Nat. Just Natasha. And nothing but my past is stopping me from letting a single tear drop onto my pillowcase and my mouth curling into a motherly smile
Natasha did not regret opening up, but she hated it all the same
***
The next morning, I arrive in the kitchen to a normal sight. Peter sitting on the ceiling eating cereal, Nat making fried eggs at the stove and Clint sitting on top of a crushed table, the vent above him open and bent out of shape.
‘no gunna ask’ I announce, catching Nat’s eye and smiling a bit.
‘No bad news articles this morning мой ребенок’ she says placing a plate in front of me ‘everyone loves you’ she finishes shovelling food into her mouth
‘I’m going to spend the day in the lab, I think Shuri’s coming tomorrow so I want to have a few things ready for her when she comes’ I explain eating more slowly ‘And I’m preparing a surprise too’ I waggle my eyebrows, hoping no one asks. Thank fully they don’t and I’m in the lift before anyone can stop me.
‘Hey Red’ a few interns greet me as I wander into the labs and make my way over to my private space
The next couple of hours are spent in deep concentration as I hammer, melt, etch and swear (in Russian thanks to Nat, Norse thanks to Val, Sign language thanks to Clint and English thanks to Tony) as fiery flecks hit me while I work. At last I hold up the finished article.
Quite the transformation. I twist it into my hands and go to find Nat. She is in the training room punching a bag with strong fast blows. I manage to get within a foot of her before she stops and turns around.
‘I know my lessons are good, but I don’t think you will ever be able to sneak up on me мой ребенок’ she smiles, motioning me to sit next to her on the bench
‘Well, letting you hear me wasn’t the only reason I came’ I explain, handing the thing over and closing her fingers around it
‘I made this for you’ I state simply, and she slowly looks into her hand.
It a simple flat piece of metal, the edges still slightly rough but the sides soft and shiny, words are engraved in either side. On the top ‘You are loved’ is etched into the metal and surrounded with a circle of symbols; flame like vines for me, a sword for Val, a Shield for Cap, and arrow for Clint, a web for peter, a hammer for Thor, a scientific breaker for Bruce and a simplified silhouette of Starks heart.
The spy is speechless and then she turns it over and the tears flow freely
‘Oh Red’ she exclaims
On the back are the simple words ‘you are the best at second chances’
‘The handcuffs?’ she questions, candling the necklace in her hand but knows the answer already
‘May I have the honours’ I ask jokingly, and she nods noiselessly so I gently lift her hair and put on the neck lace. As soon as I am done, she spins around and hugs me tight, still crying.
***
I wake to the sound of screaming. Nat.
I don’t bother pacing or creeping, I walk straight in and curl on the bed beside the now silent but still squirming woman. I gently reach out and gently pick up her hands, her body twitches more and she whispers Russian.
‘Помогите не делай мне больно пожалуйста, не делайте мне больно я не сделал ничего плохого’
Then something that make my blood run cold ‘не режь меня’
I loop my thumb and forefinger around her wrist and gently hug her to my chest she stills almost immediately. I keep my fingers looped around her wrist for another hour or so, until I wake up again and remember school tomorrow.
School. For the first time since The Kiss, The Press Conference and The Reveal. Suddenly I feel like screaming