The visions started right after Matt lost his sight.
warm sun on his skin, his carefree soul playing by the beach, the taste of figs that never really left his lips, the sound of laughter and the feel of hands on his shoulders, golden curls and smiles that showed pearly white teeth.
But then soon after that... comes the smell of grimes, sweats and blood, the never ending flows of blood. Ear splitting screams and then unbearable pain in his chest.
And then he'd woke up, panting, scared, and feeling like death itself. With a name on his tongue that he would never remember. The first few times it happened Matt woke up so suddenly that he almost fell out of the hospital bed. Jack would come to his side and embrace him, whispering words of comfort to soothe his burning soul.
'Dad? I keep having vague dreams and they always turn into this horrifying nightmare...'
He'd murmur to Jack, not knowing what to do with the new pain.
'Shhhh, it's okay matty. I'm always here by your side to wake you up'
Jack would always say this to him and hold his trembling body so he could go back to sleep.
Until he didn't.
The orphanage was unbearable the first few weeks. Not only he couldn't control his damn senses, but the dreams would get weirder and clearer.
He was twelve when It happened one night. It was when he was slowly getting used to the lonely and semi normal days and not thinking about how truly alone he was, so that night he dreamed he was sitting under the shade of an old tree, barefooted and the breeze moving in his messy hairs, it was so damn peaceful but then he felt someone beside him, getting closer and suddenly a warm hand came to caress his neck, he felt his body losing tension and turned his head to the hand, he grabbed that soft hand and kissed it knuckles, it felt so right and ordinary that his mind didn't even question the action. He heard the breath leaving the lungs of the body beside him.
It was a boy, velvet voiced with mild scents of figs and earth that surrounded him. At that moment he felt the sun was in his chest and his heart could burst at any moment, and Matt thought that if he died right there with the boy's warmth engulfing his body, he'd be happy.
Then he felt breaths on his lips and soon they were kissing, so innocent like and sweet that he didn't realize he was beginning to whisper a name,
Achilles
And then he woke up... dizzy and disoriented with his heart on his throat, guilt clawing its way to his mind and a name he had finally remembered.
But what did it mean? What were all these? As far as Matt was aware, there was no one with this name that he knew of. He slowly recalled the kiss and blushed, thanking whoever was above that it wasn't a wet dream.
One time not long after that dream he went to father lantom, he knew his face was betraying him and showing his inner conflicts. Father lantom sat in front of him and encouraged him to tell what was wrong.
He fidgeted in his seat for a few moments, breathed deep to calm his nerves, and finally tilted his head to face him
'Father... Do you believe we had other lives in the past? That we were other people with different lives?'
Matt felt father lantom still and his breathing changed like he was searching for words.
'What brought this on Matthew?'
Matt sighed, he felt the pressure was back on his chest, preventing him from breathing normally, but he had to know
'I've been... having dreams lately- he couldn't tell father lantom that he had them for as long as remembers, it didn't feel right.
'What dreams son?'
Father asked patiently, his voice calm and without judgment.
'I...- he wet his lips- I keep finding myself as a child in an unknown place and sometimes, I'm older in my dreams and it feels like there's a war around me also...
He closed his eyes and gripped his cane tighter
'Also there are times that I feel a deep pain in my chest, like... like someone had impaled me with a sword or something'
He couldn't mention the boy or the kiss, not even the feeling of sun engulfing his body like he was some sort of a god.
Father lantom was thinking, his heartbeat was steady and he didn't sound like he was upset or something.
'Do you know what a deja vu is Matthew?'
He spoke with his smooth and collected voice.
'Yes father'
'You know -he heard him sighing- there's a term beside that which is called reincarnation'
'Reincarnation?' Matt asked, never heard of the word.
Father lantom smiled, the sound of his heartbeats never changed their rhythms.
'Yes, Matthew. In simpler words, it means rebirth, you die and your soul goes to another body to live another life'
Matt perked up, his grip on his cane loosened.
'So you mean, you believe I had been born again?'
He felt father lantom’s heartbeat quickened, his hand scratched the back of his head and his eyebrows furrowed together, again searching for the right words.
'Well... not exactly, I just know that there's a belief among some people about reincarnation'
Matt was becoming more confused than before
'So... do you believe in rebirth?'
He waited impatiently for an answer.
'The thing is Matthew...-father lantom sighed again- most Catholics do not believe in reincarnation, they regard it as being incompatible with death'
'But, isn't there supposed to be an after when we die?'
Matt asked, feeling helpless all of a sudden.
'Yes but it's different, reincarnation means you die and born as another being, living another life'
Matt slumped his shoulders, his mood already darkening
'Then... what's wrong with me?'
Father lantom stood up and went to sit beside him, then he put his hand on Matt's shoulder. Matt flinched slightly but relaxed his body right away.
'Dreams are strange things, maybe yours are just the figments of imagination maybe something else, but... listen Matthew...
Matt waited for him to continue. Father lantom leaned back on his chair and tilted his head up to look at the ceiling.
'Lord works in mysterious ways, ways that no one but himself is aware of and maybe, he just wants to test how much faith we have on the paths he has chosen for us, so... my advice to you is... whatever it is, believe that it's meant to be.'
His voice echoed through Matt's mind and then with one last look, he left him alone with his thoughts and a hundred more questions weighing down on his mind, waiting to be answered.
Soon days passed and matt just moved on, knowing that whatever was wrong with him was probably related to mental problems, and boy was he not the epitome of all kinds of issues.
There was a library in the school orphanage that matt would go and look for the books in brailles, they had started to order more so he could read more and be angry less and it was kind of helpful, even if matt would never admit to their faces.
One day he found a thick, heavy book in the back of the library. It was in braille but it surprised Matt that how come he never stumbled upon it, nevertheless he grabbed it and went to sit on a chair.
His fingers touched the engraved words gently, didn't know if he was pronouncing the word right in his mind but it read Iliad by homer.
So he started to read it.
Achilles' wrath, to Greece the direful spring Of woes unnumber'd, heavenly goddess, sing! That wrath which hurl'd to Pluto's gloomy reign The souls of mighty chiefs untimely slain; Whose limbs unburied on the naked shore, Devouring dogs and hungry vultures tore.
Matt stopped and his heart started to beat faster.
Achilles
“Hail, heralds, messengers of Zeus and men, draw near. It is not you who are guilty in my sight, but Agamemnon, who sent you forth for the sake of the girl, Briseis. But come, Patroclus, sprung from Zeus, bring forth the girl, and give her to them to lead away.
Patroclus...
Pat-ro-clus
Philtatos
The visions came like hurricane, knocked matt out of his sit and sent him to the ground. He was grabbing his head so hard that he thought he was gonna break it into pieces. Everything hurt, he could smell the dust and blood, sun high on the sky burning his already torn skin, he was wearing Achilles' armour, the straps binding him. He was on his back looking at Hector, his helmet had fell from his head. He saw the spear coming at him and the pain in his chest suffocated him. Matt had let out a loud scream and passed out from the pain.
When he woke up he was lying on his bed, the feeling of dried tears on his face, his voice hoarse, and his stomach in knots. A question running on his hazy mind.
Where's my Achilles?
Days kept passing and Matt learned to keep it all inside, but the same dreams he always had come to him every night; golden soft curls, the sound of lyres, soft kisses on the mountain, and the never ending feeling of pain on his chest.
By that time all the memories had come back to him. What happened in his past life, who he was and where he had come from.
And maybe father lantom was right, the lord does work in mysterious ways. But in this world though, there weren't any signs of the old gods, no underworld, and no magical mount Olympus. This world was bitter, harsh, and unforgiving with no honor among men. The only thing people would fight for was their lives and even that seemed to have been descended.
And Matt was furious, fires were burning deep inside of him. He was mad that even in this life he was being punished by the gods, or is it just one god now? He had a hard time remembering that he was another person now, in another life with different people. So he kept to himself.
But then Stick came into his life and matt found out that he had a purpose now, he wasn't helpless and this time he actually learned how to fight. Sometimes when he was alone at night and he'd chuckle and think 'what would Achilles say if he saw me now? Kicking and flipping in the air and fighting without his sight on top of that!'
Sometimes he'd wonder if he could've ever found him among all these unfamiliar heartbeats if he had his sight?
Then Stick too had left him and the fire in his soul was greater than ever. He couldn't tell Stick that he had daddy issues in his past life too. He cried for the cruelty of it and then never let himself cry for Stick even again.
Matt decided to move on and study law, maybe in this life he could actually prevent people from meeting their worst fates. Then, he met Foggy and life was good again, he started to pray again and thank this god for the blessing that was Foggy Nelson. He finally started to accept this life and put the past behind. Patroclus had died with his beloved eons ago and Matt Murdock was a different soul in a different time.
He thought he could settle with Electra and the ironic part of her that she was from Greece. She reminded him of a goddess; beautiful, fierce, and chaotic. He could be himself with her, well mostly himself but he could live with that. But then she set him up to kill his dad's killer and suddenly that memory from the ancient past came to him.
The boy on the ground with a cracked skull, blood sipping from it and tainting the ground that was underneath, his eyes open and looking through Patroclus.
He'd killed him
Accidentally but still
He'd killed him
From that moment on Matt vowed to never let himself kill anyone, he vowed to move on from violence because last time he didn't, it took everything from him.
But the thing is, Matt was too angry to settle. Every night he'd hear screams and pleads and sirens and he would beg with all of his being that whoever was above would grant him peace.
There was no such a thing as peace in this world.
They had named him the devil, διάβολος. He couldn't help but laugh and if it meant that he could bring fear and justice to those scums who were guilty of the unforgivable, then so be it. No choice but to be violent. The only thing he learned to control though was to not go for the kill. No matter what and no matter who.
Karen's presence reminded him of happier days and the warm feeling of the sun on his skin and fields full of dandelions, but he just couldn't bring himself to trade that with the memory of golden curls and sweet laughs and wistful promises. He didn't mind burdening all of it alone.
Then Matt met claire and he swore he felt every bit of Briseis in her, from her gentle hands to her soft voice and her tough personality, never letting him get away with anything. And he could love Claire, maybe even tell her that she too might be from the past. But he managed to screw that up too and deep down he knew, he would never really be happy.
The Fisk guy, man he was getting to him. It chilled Matt to his bones that he was going toe to toe with someone like him. No matter, it wasn't like Matt was any good at keeping his vows.
So this time he went for the kill
Only to almost get killed himself.
He remembered that he thought this was it, he ruined his life and on top of it all, never got to find his Achilles, Matt's gonna die sooner than him again, and Achilles' never going to remember Patroclus. He wondered if he could have another life, maybe on that they'd be happy.
For the first time since the accident, he didn't dream that night.
He found a guy to make him an armor, maybe this one could actually protect him from harm. Boy was he still bitter about the past.
He had a purpose once again. Matt had made up his mind to try to move on and protect the people that he held dear the most.
He managed to bring Fisk to justice and his city was once again, a better place to live. Things were finally back in order and he dared to sigh in relief. Time passed by.
Fates must have loved toying with him though,
Because one day came and brought a rough voice with it.
Bang
And Patroclus felt the sun glowed in his chest as he fell.