Chapter 21
They knew eventually it was going to hit Peter again, they just thought it would have taken less than two weeks. Two weeks of watching him struggle inside his head, with small almost completely one-sided conversations, two weeks of watching him try to deal with it alone. No matter what they did he just wouldn’t talk to them and Bucky didn’t know what to do. He knew it surprised their team, but Natalia was much better at dealing with emotions that he was, somehow he always managed to say something wrong, but even Natasha didn’t know what to do. They just watched.
Until Peter finally broke.
Bucky didn’t know how to help, so he just did what he usually did in these situations, he baked. Peter wouldn’t talk to them, wouldn’t even open the door to them so he hoped that maybe baking enough for the three of them would mean that they would all be able to enjoy it together, but he knew there was a large chance he’d have to leave the food by Peter’s door again. Natalia was in the kitchen with him, despite the fact she was as good a baker as Bucky was, she left him to it, they usually allowed the other one to make whatever they liked, it would end up great anyway, the only time they would bake together was if Peter was involved, he didn’t like to bake alone. Natalia was sat on the counter next to him reading. If he knew one thing about her though, is that despite how convincing she was, she wasn’t focusing on the book, no he knew her mind was on Peter. They just didn’t know what to do.
It was quite late now, but for some reason the two of them wouldn’t go to bed, Bucky just knew he couldn’t. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it was like his body knew he needed to stay awake for what was about to come.
Bucky was placing his cake on the side to cool when Steve came running into the kitchen, Natasha putting her book down instantly at the look on Steve’s face, the terror in his stance abruptly clear.
“Buck, Nat you have to come quick.” Steve yelled over his shoulder as he set off once again, Natalia moved first, Bucky only a second after. “Me and Clint found Peter on the roof, he’s awake but he’s unresponsive, Clint is with him now trying to get him to respond but Peter is really out of it.” They didn’t take the elevator, all three of them bolting up the stairs, Natalia surprisingly keeping up with them quite well, only being behind by a couple of steps.
The sight on the roof wasn’t what Bucky had been able to picture in his head, it was worse. Clint was knelt beside Peter who was sat on the floor, just staring forward as if he was simply watching New York from the tower but the fact he didn’t turn to acknowledge them was a warning of how bad it was. Clint didn’t turn to them the moment they pushed through the door, instead slowing getting up after a moment before walking towards them.
“He’s still not responsive, I tried to put a jumper on him, but I can’t get him to lift his arms on his own and I didn’t think it would be best to touch him. I didn’t want to scare him, but I also didn’t want to aggravate his wounds since they haven’t fully healed yet. Do you want us to stay with you or do you want us to go?” Clint asked them, Bucky knew that Clint being a father himself made him protective over Peter, knew seeing a child in this situation made Clint wish to wrap his own children up and keep them from the world. But he couldn’t and Bucky knew from his own experience how much that hurt. Bucky and Natalia were here now, they couldn’t wrap Peter up and keep him away from the world, but they were here to try and make everything a little easier.
“We got it now you two can go, thank you though.” Natasha told them, grabbing one of the blankets kept up her for Peter before walking to the boy himself.
“Thanks guys.” Steve and Clint smiled at Bucky once more, looking back towards Peter before walking back downstairs.
Bucky turned to walk to Natalia and Peter, watching as she gently placed the blanket around his shoulders before sitting down next to him, Bucky coming around to sit on the opposite side, the two of them watching as Peter just continued to stare. Bucky had never seen him like this, but Natalia seems to have, or at least known of whatever is going on because she began to speak to him softly, not saying anything of importance, just reminding him he was safe, he was with them, he was home. Along with her words she slowly reached out to grab Peter’s hand, squeezing with slight pressure every few seconds before resting her other hand at the base of his neck, slowly adding pressure and coming down to rub his shoulder.
“What are you doing?” Bucky couldn’t help but ask, not knowing what was going on but wanting to learn, wanted to know what he could do if this happens again and he made sure to keep his voice low and soft the same way Natalia was. “What’s going on?”
“I’m trying to ground him, he seems to be dissociating and one of the easiest ways to bring him back is physical touch.” Oh, alright that makes sense to Bucky, he didn’t know a lot about it, but he understood needing someone to confirm you’re there by feeling them, and so Bucky just does what feels natural and grabs Peter’s other hand, squeezing gently. Natalia smiles at him for that.
Eventually Peter’s eyes seem to focus, something Natasha was quick to notice. “Can you feel us holding your hands Peter?” He just nodded, still looking forward but he didn’t seem so far away anymore. “Are you able to confirm that verbally for me Милая?” (Sweetie)
“Yeah.” Peter managed to croak out softly, he looked exhausted Bucky noticed.
“What’s going on Bud?” Bucky asked him, he didn’t know what else to do, hadn’t known what to do from the moment that Peter had asked him if he’d killed Osborn. He wanted to help Peter, wanted to make it all go away but both he and Natalia knew something had happened, something they didn’t know of, and how could they make something go away when they didn’t know what was there?
“Can we go back inside? It’s a little cold.” Was all Peter said, still looking forward. Bucky just nodded to him, both of them helping Peter stand, Natalia making sure that the blanket stayed wrapped around his shoulders before they walked back inside, Peter between them.
Peter just sat there in front of them, the two of them choosing to sit on the floor in front of him while he was on the sofa with the blanket wrapped around him. In this moment he looked so much smaller Natasha noticed, she knew Peter hated when they reminded him of his age but right now, he wasn’t much more than that. Right now, he looked so young and so small that Natasha wanted to put her floor onto blackout and keep him away from the world, but she couldn’t. Even if she could it would be too late, Peter had already seen the worst of what the world could give him.
“Please talk to us bud, we can’t help you if we don’t know what’s going on.” James spoke to him, Natasha just continued to sit there, watching Peter battle with himself in his own head. Neither of them could make him speak, this was up to Peter and Peter alone. But Natasha saw the moment he’d decided a second before he opened his mouth.
“I wasn’t a mistake.” What? Typically, Natasha hated to allow her emotions to display on her face but in this moment, she made sure to remain open, to let Peter see. Not that she really needed to with Peter being one of few to be able to read her almost perfectly even when she didn’t want him to. But seeing the tears build up in Peter’s eyes she knew she needed to make sure he could clearly see her. “My parents aren’t who I thought they were. They weren’t good people, I wasn’t born to be their son, they didn’t want a son, they didn’t want me.” Peter’s sobs began to wrack his body, at which Natasha and James instantly stood up to sit with him and Natasha pulled him to lay against her shoulder as he cried. Peter gripped onto her shirt with one hand while grasping James’ hand with the other while she ran her fingers through his hair and James rubbed his back, trying to bring him some peace.
“What are you talking about? They were scientists, right?” Natasha didn’t know what Peter was talking about, he’d hardly spoken of his parents, as he hadn’t known them for long but he’d never said anything like this before.
“Bruce and I were trying to find out why I didn’t die, the bite should have killed me and I didn’t know why it didn’t. Now I do. My parents worked for Hydra, they were the bad guys and I was supposed to be their little lab rat.” Peter voice began to rise before he broke from their grasp and began to pace around the room, Natasha couldn’t help but feel the pain spread in her heart at the sight of him. “I was supposed to be an experiment, they were supposed to experiment on me. I was supposed to be a weapon. They changed their minds a few months after I was born but I wasn’t born to be a person, I wasn’t supposed to be here, they just decided one day oh maybe using a child for experiments is wrong, we shouldn’t do that. They were supposed to love me! They were supposed to care for me, not alter my DNA before I was even born so I could be used as a weapon, I used to wonder why May hated me. Now I get it. They were monsters so what does that make me?”
Natasha knew she was crying, and she didn’t care, all she cared about was Peter who was breaking down in front of her. How had none of them known this of his parents?
“How could anyone ever want me? I’m nothing more than an insect.” Peter seethed. “They were all right, I’m a monster!”
“Stop it.” Natasha finally spoke up, crossing the room to grab Peter by the shoulders, the heartbreak in his eyes making her want to scream.
“Why doesn’t anyone want me Tasha?” Peter’s sobbing had subsided slightly, enough that they were no longer wrecking his body, but his tears continued to fall freely down his face and his eyes continued to scream pain and heartbreak and Natasha couldn’t watch it anymore, moving her hands up to cup his face to ensure he was looking at her.
“We do. James and I want you, okay? You’re our kid, we didn’t realise it until you weren’t here and for that I can’t apologise enough, but you’re wanted, you’re wanted here. You wrote that you were sorry you saw us as you’re parents, that you knew we wouldn’t want you but Peter you couldn’t be more wrong in that, we want to be your parents, we want you to be our son. Technically you already are. I mean if you’ve changed your mind then that’s fine no matter what you will always have a home with us. We will always want you.” Natasha pushed out through her tears, watching as Peter’s tears began to fall even quicker, looking from Natasha to James.
Once Peter had turned to look at James Natasha watched his reaction as he saw James smile and nod at him before simply saying “It’s true bud, you’ve always got a home with us.” To which Peter’s face crumbled and his sobs took over his body again, turning back around to her and throwing himself into her arms, clinging to her and crying into her neck. James moved over to pull the two of them into his arms then as Natasha wrapped her arms around Peter as well, rocking him in her arms slightly in an attempt to calm him down slightly and she felt how one of Peter’s arms moved to grasp James’ shirt when he wrapped the two of them in his arms.
It took a while for Peter to calm down, but Natasha didn’t care if he had wanted them to stand there forever, she would have. She learnt in the Red Room that love and family were a weakness but all she could think is that if this is a weakness then she welcomes being weak, but it isn’t, and Peter taught her that. Peter was the one who taught her to accept love, was the one who taught her that she can allow herself to let her guard down, and he was right while at the same time closing them all off from a world that he didn’t want them to see.
“Why would you want to be my parents? I’m nothing.”
“Because you’re Peter.” James told him, pulling out of the hug he’d wrapped the two of them in, placing his hand on Peter’s back. Thankfully Peter hadn’t let go of her yet, Natasha wasn’t ready for him to, he just moved his head from where he’d rested it against her neck to look at him. “You’re Peter and you’re Spider-Man and the two of them bring so much joy to so many people, you made me and Natalia realise we are so much more than what they made us. Now it’s our turn to do that for you, and not out of obligation or out of debt, but out of the fact that we love you, you’re stuck with us now kiddo. You’re my son and you’re perfect.”
Peter didn’t move for a while after that, didn’t respond either. He just continued to cling to her and stare at James, absorbing everything and neither of them cared, they would wait for him forever, whatever he needed. They just hoped that this hadn’t pushed him away, that they hadn’t said the wrong thing that was going to make him leave again.
“I – I’m really tired.” Peter whispered. “Could I maybe, I don’t know, could we watch a movie. You know like we used to?” Pulling away from her slightly, looking to both of them his uncertainty radiating from his body.
“Of course we can, I’m glad you asked. James, you’re on snack duty.” Natasha watched as James did as he was told, chuckling as he went. Natasha went to walk towards the couch while holding Peter’s hand, but he didn’t budge.
“Everything okay?”
“I – I took the blanket with me and then I left it. I ruined it.” Peter’s eyes dropped to the floor as he spoke, his nerves finally taking over him.
“Hey, please look at me.” Peter’s head slowly lifted up, his eyes only reaching hers a moment later, they’d work on his confidence. “You don’t have to worry about that, James picked it up when he came back from – well his mission, he was told where you were hiding, and he found it there. It’s clean and it’s perfectly fine so why don’t we go wrap ourselves up like we usually do. We can give James the small corner.” That got a chuckle out of him, finally Natasha had missed that sound. He was the one who was now pulling her to the couch and she let him, let him drag her to sit next to him so he could curl into her and in this moment everything was perfect. Right now everything that had happened didn’t matter for tonight, they could pretend nothing had happened, that it was just a normal night.
James came walking into the room a little while later, his arms full of snacks and drinks which caused Peter to jump up and help him, like the selfless boy he was. Or maybe he was just going for the popcorn that he wanted as he chuckled laying back down in his spot and James just rolled his eyes fondly and Natasha couldn’t help the smile which adorned her face, but even if she could stop it, she didn’t want to. They’d made their own small family of misfits and their son was finally back with them. And that thought caused her to ruffle Peter’s curls and place a kiss on his head, which gifted her with a smile she’d missed so much.
“What he watching bud, Star Wars?” James asked Peter, sitting down on the opposite side to him and Peter quickly made work of tucking him into the blanket, the way he had for Natasha and himself, chuckling to himself as he laid back down again.
“Obviously Wolfie.”
They weren’t okay yet, Natasha knew that knew there was a lot of work left to do. Too much had happened recently for everything to suddenly be fixed. But this moment right here made it clear to her that one day it will be.
The next couple of days were a lot more peaceful, Peter was finally starting to believe them but part of him was still terrified. They could change their minds any day now and kick him out, he wouldn’t be surprised, he knew he was a lot of work, but he was trying.
“Hey Peter, could we talk to you?” When had they gotten to his door, how did he not hear them? But there in front of him was Natasha and Bucky, looking at him from the doorframe. What had he done wrong?
“I – Yeah of course. Is everything okay? Did I do something? Is something wrong? Is-“
“Breathe bud.” Bucky chuckled at him, sitting down on the chair next to bed Peter was sat on, Natasha sitting next to Peter on the bed. Close enough to offer him comfort if he needed it but far away enough that she wasn’t blocking his escape Peter noticed, he didn’t know how to feel about this yet. “You’ve done nothing wrong Pete, nothing at all, but we do need to talk about the time when you were gone.” That, honestly, wasn’t what Peter had expected.
“What about it?” Peter couldn’t help but pull his blanket up to cover his lap, the Spider-Man blanket Tony had bought him as a joke, he knew it was childish, but it made him feel safe.
“Why didn’t you talk to us about it?” It was Natasha who asked him that, reaching her hand out to gently comb through his hair. “Why didn’t you tell us about May? And Norman, or just any of it? Did you not feel like you could?” Her questions were gentle, clearly void of judgement, her face open allowing him to freely see her concern, Bucky the same.
“I – There’s a few reasons, I guess? I don’t know.” Peter couldn’t help but let his eyes fall down to his lap, watching, more than feeling, as his hands twisted together. “I couldn’t tell you, but not because of you, that’s not – wasn’t ever the reason why. They killed Ben, without care, without remorse, so the moment Norman threatened all of you I panicked, Ben knew the truth and they killed him for it. I couldn’t let them kill you too. May kept telling me, for over a year before I left that apartment, that I should have handed myself in to them, that because of my powers I had murdered my own Uncle, but the thing is I didn’t know they were looking for me until I got the first message. She just kept telling me I should hand myself over to my keepers, but she’d never tell me who they were, no matter how many times she asked, she was waiting to hand me over apparently. It wasn’t until Norman first messaged me that I knew and when that happened, he said if I spoke up then the game would be over, I didn’t even know we were playing a game. No one told me there was a game.” Peter couldn’t help the tears that slowly rolled down his face, turning to look at them both Bucky had tears in his eyes while Natasha’s just screamed the pain she was feeling, their concern for him washing over him in waves. “Another reason why I didn’t talk about May, or the sorrow I was feeling was because I didn’t know anything else, not really. I mean being here felt different and I know Ned and MJ love me but, being in that apartment with May had been my entire life, even with Ben there she’d make comments and Ben tried but he wasn’t always there. So, when I came here and you were all so kind, I didn’t know what to do, adults have a tendency of letting me down and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, thought if I opened up then it would.” Bucky came down to sit next to him on the bed when he finished, wrapping an arm around his shoulder while Natasha wrapped one around his waist.
“You’ve been dealt a shit life kid I’ll give you that.” Peter couldn’t help but laugh at that, it’s not like Bucky was wrong, Natasha joined in soon after. “Nothing that happened to you was right, it should never have happened, but it did. It happened and we can’t change it, but we can certainly help you, if you’ll let us. What do you say bud? You going to let us help? Let us into that intelligent brain of yours.”
“Sure you can manage it old man?” Now that, that really made Natasha chuckle, Peter felt as her body began to shake as she hid her head in his shoulder, trying to avoid Bucky’s gaze as he stared at Peter. Yeah, that was a good one, Peter thought, staring back at Bucky with a smirk on his face, Natasha still chuckling at his side.
“Oh Милый, I’ve missed you so much.” Natasha finally managed to get out, her laughter subsiding, smiling at him softly, a smile Peter knew she only reserved for him.
“Yeah? I’ve missed you guys too.” Peter tugged the two adults down to him with that, shifting to get comfortable, cuddled up with the two people who made him feel a kind of safe he’d never had. A sense of protection he’d always craved. “You know when I dropped the letters off for both of you, and Friday said you were in the gym I nearly came down there. I nearly allowed myself to give in and just go to the two of you.”
“Yeah?” Natasha asked, tightening her grip on him, Peter appreciated that. “Why didn’t you?”
“I didn’t know what to say.”
Bucky kissed his forehead with that, while Natasha, somehow, pulled him closer. No matter what had happened Peter knew in that moment, that he was finally home.