James Buchanan Barnes wasn’t afraid of such mundane Things. He’d seen the Terrors of Warfare from the Frontlines and his Courage hadn’t faltered at any Point. He had felt the Blood of his Comrades and Enemies alike soak through his Clothes while Shivers wrecked his Body. He’d cowered in the Trenches and wondered when one of the cursed Bullets that rained down on them would shred his Lungs and leave him suffocating by his own Blood. Sometimes he’d forgotten to breathe through the rising Panic, sometimes he’d found his Cheeks streaked with Tears even though his Insides were void of any Feeling.
But he hadn’t wasted one single Thought on deserting his Comrades. Instead he’d clenched his Teeth and taken down countless Soldiers with a Twitch of his Fingers when they’d been cornered in hostile Territory. He hadn’t ducked his Head once they had been taken Captive and suffered in Silence while they’d strapped him onto a cold Table to conduct some sickening Research. He’d even crossed a Steal Beam like he’d been walking the Tightrope for all of his Life when the Building had started to collapse.
This Rooftop wouldn’t turn him into a Picture of Misery.
Then again he’d been drugged and in a Daze during the Rescue. Steve had pushed him forward onto the Steel Beam while he had still been trying to wrap his Head around the Events of the past Minutes and before he’d been able to think about the Abyss beneath his Feet, he’d already taken the Leap that saved his Life. The Freight and violent Shivers had only kicked in when they’d reached Safety.
Now he was painfully aware of the Chasm though. If he stretched out his Hand, he could easily reach beyond the Edge of the Rooftop. Unfortunately he didn’t even have his Rifle to distract himself and create a false Sense of Security. Usually he didn’t even get a Chance to think about the terrifying Heights when he was perched on a Viewpoint and waited for the perfect Moment to pull the Trigger. Once he’d gotten himself positioned, there were only three Things that mattered: slow and steady Breaths, the split Second between two Heartbeats and the clear Line of Sight. But since they weren’t going to head into Battle tonight, he’d only brought the Colt he usually carried in Case he ran out of Ammunition or got caught in close Combat.
He tried to put his Mind on the current Mission instead, keeping his Eyes trained on the Building across the Clearing. Faint Lights flickered behind the few Windows on the upper Floors, but otherwise everything remained silent. It wasn’t quite enough to distract him from the lingering Panic and he resorted to focusing on the Heat that radiated from Steve and seeped through his Uniform where their Shoulders touched. It wasn’t quite as comforting as the Weight of his Rifle in his Hands and the harsh Gusts of Wind kept dragging his Attention back to the lingering Nothingness beneath.
“You’re awfully quiet”, Steve interrupted his Thoughts without Warning. His Voice was barely more than a soft hum above the howling Wind, but it startled Bucky anyways and he almost choked on his next Breath. Nevertheless he only shrugged in Response and hoped that his best Friend wouldn’t see right through his wavering Composure. The Relationship they shared didn’t know any Secrets, but he’d never gotten around to mentioning this particular Problem to Steve since it hadn’t been an Issue before. And he most definitely wasn’t going to start spilling his worst Nightmares while they had a Task to complete.
Even though the Serum had changed everything and Steve could easily scale a Building within a few Minutes without turning into a wheezing Heap now, he just couldn’t stop seeing the fragile Boy who was too dumb to run away from a Fight. He couldn’t stop feeling responsible for him and putting his own Needs aside to take care of Steve had been wired into his DNA since they’d met for the very first Time. To add to his Misery and the Turmoil of Emotions, knowing that his best Friend didn’t depend on his Support anymore actually hurt quite a Bit. He’d need more Time to figure all of the Confusion out before he could allow himself to fall apart in front of Steve.
”Talk to me, Buck”, the Blond tried again and lightly elbowed his Side. He just grunted in Dismay, but finally turned his Head to look at him. “Somehow I was convinced we were here to investigate and make a battle Plan instead of having a Conversation”, he replied and forced his Lips into a strained Smirk to take the Edge off his Words. It wasn’t feeling quite right and Steve eyed him suspiciously. “What happened to that serious Save-the-World-Business-Plan all of a sudden?”
“We’re still working on that and I doubt they’ll catch the Sound of our Voices down there”, Steve answered and Bucky could practically hear him rolling his Eyes. Peering over the cursed Edge in Front of them, he had to admit that his best Friend wasn’t wrong about that. The Wind was howling over the low Ground between the two Buildings and except for a few Sentinels patrolling the Premises there was not a single living Soul around. They couldn’t have found any better Coverage than the abandoned Annex of the military Base that Hydra had conquered. The Rooftop granted them a clear Line of Sight and they could still easily keep enough Distance to avoid any unexpected Encounters with the Enemy until they’d gathered enough Information to plan an Attack.
“Guess that’s true”, he muttered without much Enthusiasm. “Could still bet that we’ll be stuck here still Dawn without getting any useful Information”, he added with a Sigh and forced himself to look back at the Building across the Clearing. The Thought definitely didn’t help with the Nerves and the Queasiness that lingered in the Pit of his Stomach since they’d left the secure Stairwell behind and stepped onto the Rooftop. He almost wished he hadn’t volunteered to accompany Steve for the first Watch while the Others pitched up a Camp and caught some Sleep. But old Habits died hard and he’d spoken up without a second Thought.
“Aw... don’t be such a Worrywart”, Steve cooed and lightly bumped his Shoulder once more. “It doesn’t suit you, Buck. Might leave permanent Wrinkles on your pretty Face and that would be a Shame.” He only grunted in Response and shook his Head, trying not to think about how close Steve had gotten to the Truth. His best Friend could read him like an open Book and if they spent the whole Night perched on the Rooftop, he’d probably be able to tell that Bucky was worried indeed and that it had nothing to do with spending the Night keeping Watch. If they’d stayed on the Ground instead of breaking into the abandoned Building, he wouldn’t have given a Damn. But in this very Spot five Stories above the Ground, he would’ve gladly aborted the Mission and fled back to the Safety of the Stairwell. With Walls and Doors between himself and the Abyss, he hardly feared it. He couldn’t fall that Way at least.
“I am more worried about being bored out of my Mind ‘cause I’m stuck here with a Pun-“
He didn’t get to finish the Sentence. Instead he stiffened when a low Rumble echoed through the Building beneath them as if it had just come to Life. He could even feel the Roof vibrating beneath his Body and suddenly had a hard time controlling his Breathing. Maybe Hydra had stopped using the Building because it was liable to collapse beneath their Feet. Even if they survived the Plunge, they’d be crushed to Death beneath the Rubble.
The Prospect of Falling was enough for him to taste Bile and he swallowed hard while his Eyes darted to Steve. To his Irritation, the Blond only furrowed his Eyebrows and didn’t look all too worried about their Safety. “That came from this Building”, he determined with mild Curiosity, lightly tilting his Head to listen for more Sounds. “We might have missed something when we entered.” Bucky only nodded once and tried to compose himself, but he could barely sense anything besides his own rapid Heartbeat and the Dread in his Stomach.
“We should check that out”, he murmured when a few Minutes had passed and got back on his Feet before Bucky had a Chance to react. He was still trying to comprehend and to control the rising Panic, struggling with his uncooperative Limbs. Once he’d managed to crawl backwards and stand up, Steve had already returned to the Door that would lead them back to the Staircase. He only shrugged when the Blonde gave him a questioning Look and pulled the Gun from his Holster, motioning for Steve to go ahead.
Even though they were still on hostile Territory and probably headed for some Kind of Disaster, Bucky felt fairly unendangered when he followed the Blond downstairs. Unfortunately they got stuck on the fourth Floor already and had to squeeze themselves into the tight Space besides the Doorway when three Men passed by the Stairwell. Two of them wore Uniforms and carried Rifles, the Third was dressed in a Lab Coat smeared with something that suspiciously looked like dried Blood. Bucky couldn’t help the Shuddering that ran down his Spine when the Sight reminded him of his own Imprisonment and the Torture they’d put him through when he’d been too fatigued to keep working at the Weapon Facility.
“Let’s follow them”, Steve mouthed once they were out of Sight. Bucky wasn’t quite sure that was the greatest Idea, but cautiously followed his best Friend anyways. He’d gotten into Thousands of Fights for that fragile, dumb Boy in the Past. One more Brawl probably wouldn’t cost his Life and in Case it actually did, he would at least die while protecting Steve.
They rounded a few more Corners before the Blond stopped in his Tracks and he almost bumped into him. He almost feared that they’d been discovered until something else caught his Attention. There was a glass Window inset in the left Wall of the Hallway, overlooking what seemed to be a Factory Hall. They couldn’t quite risk more than a quick Glance, but it was enough to determine that the whole Building must be crawling with Enemies.
They only exchanged one Look before retreating to the empty Hallway that would lead them back to the Stairwell. “There must be Tunnels connecting the Buildings”, Bucky whispered once they were out of Earshot. “That Way the Snow isn’t much of an Issue and they can cross the Clearing unseen in Case anyone is lurking on the Grounds”, Steve agreed and rubbed his Forehead. They should have realised the Building hadn’t been abandoned when they’d broken in to get onto the Roof. Something had most definitely felt wrong, but both of them had attributed that to general Nerves and the Lack of Sleep they had all been struggling with during the past Mission. But now that Bucky thought about it, the whole Building had been too clean and much too tidy. There hadn’t been one single broken Window or Lock except for those they had destroyed when entering through the Back. They should have paid more Attention to those Details.
“It’s only a Question of Time until they realise we’ve broken in”, Bucky continued and felt Panic rising in his Throat. They couldn’t risk leaving the same Way they’d entered. Even with Captain America’s superhuman Abilities they were outnumbered and wouldn’t stand a Chance if they ran into Soldiers. “We’ll have to find another Way out”, Steve came to the same Conclusion. “Maybe we can leave over the Roof”, he added while peeking around the next Corner. “That’s the best Shot we have right now.”
Bucky didn’t comment on the Insanity of that Idea since he actually couldn’t come up with a better Plan. Instead he ignored the uncomfortable churning of his Stomach and followed the Blond back upstairs and onto the cursed Rooftop. While his best Friend started examining their Surroundings already to find an easy and safe Way down, Bucky remained behind as if to keep an Eye on the Doorway and possible Threats. In Reality he simple tried avoiding getting too close to the Abyss and coming undone.
“I’ve got an Idea”, Steve declared when he returned after mere Minutes that still felt like an Eternity to Bucky. “We need to be quick though.” He still didn’t seem to be too concerned about the Deadlock into which they’d maneuvered themselves and in that very Moment, Bucky was looking at the skinny Boy he’d met in Brooklyn once more. The dumb Boy who held so much Courage in his Heart that it spilled out whenever someone got into Trouble even though he couldn’t even win a Fight against the scrawniest Bullies at School. It was enough to make his own Nightmares fade to the Back of his Mind. He knew he’d follow that Boy anywhere.
Or at least he thought he would until he realised that Steve was heading straight for the Edge of the Roof. His Muscles stopped obeying the Orders of his Brain and his Steps faltered until he stopped, then unconsciously took two Steps backwards again. His Heart was beating with such Force that he was quite sure it was going to break his Ribs from the Inside.
“I knew I’d seen something before”, Steve explained triumphantly without even realising that his Companion had stopped a few Feet behind him. He pointed at an old fire Escape that would either get them to the Ground safely or have them Break their Necks in the Progress. The harsh Wind and damp Weather had corroded the Metal to the Point it was rough enough to cut through Skin and some of the Rungs were missing already. Yet, it was the best Chance they had to escape without running into the Enemy.
When he didn’t get any Reaction or at least a Sound of Acknowledgement from his best Friend, he turned around again. He couldn’t quite tell what had kept him a few Feet away at first and curiously tilted his Head. It wasn’t quite like Bucky to be hesitant about anything on the Battlefield. Then he registered his tense Muscles, the Way he desperately clutched his Gun and the Panic in his Eyes that weren’t quite focused.
“Buck...?”, he inquired softly and slowly stepped towards his Friend to get his Attention without startling him. Bucky turned his Head in his Direction, but still seemed to look straight through him. Something was most definitely wrong and it made his Heart clench that he couldn’t quite figure the Reason out. Since they’d returned from the Rescue-Mission, he found it a lot harder to read his Face even though they’d spent most of their Lives together and shared all of their Troubles.
“We can’t climb down there”, Bucky finally replied. His Voice was strained and he seemed to be fighting a Battle with himself that he was losing with rapid Speed. He could only suspect the alleged Hopelessness of their Situation had triggered the Memories of his Imprisonment and their Escape from the Red Skull. “It’s our best Shot to escape unseen”, he gently reminded him. “Come on, Buck. You’ll go first and I’ll make sure they’re not following us in Case they found out we’re here already.”
Bucky shook his Head once more, clenching his Jaw and swallowing hard. “No, Steve.” He took another Step backwards. “I can’t do this.” His Voice was barely above a Whisper now and the Wind tried to drag the Words away before they even reached Steve. It took him a solid Minute to put Two and Two together and he almost cursed when he realised he should have seen the Signs before. Bucky had been awfully quiet since they’d set Foot on the Roof. He’d barely dared to look at anything but Steve and the Building they were watching and his Movements had become hesitant every Time they’d come close to the Edge.
“You’re afraid of Heights”, he stated and the whole Weight of the Situation came crashing down on his Consciousness. Bucky didn’t even deny that he was afraid. He rather looked like he was about to pass out right on the Spot. “Sh...”, he quickly bit his Lips before the Curse slipped past and looked back at the fire Escape. He couldn’t force his best Friend to scale down five Stories, but they couldn’t just wait until the Soldiers became aware of their Presence and escorted them back to the Ground.
“Alright, alright”, Steve continued talking and frantically tried to come up with a Solution. “We’ve got this, Buck.” He returned to his Friend and carefully took his Hands, gently squeezing them in a futile Attempt to reassure him and calm his own Nerves in the Progress. “Can you close your Eyes for me?” He tried to sound encouraging despite feeling the Shaking of Bucky’s Hands through the two Pairs of Gloves. He shouldn’t have dragged him up here in the first Place. He should have known better when he’d hesitated about breaking into the abandoned Building even though he’d never mentioned he was terrified of Heights.
“You’re doing great”, Steve muttered and carefully lead him towards the Fire Escape. His Steps were shaky and his Breath came in ragged Gasps, but he followed without any Complaint. He would have trusted the Blond with his Life and desperately clung to the Conviction that he’d get him to Safety despite the five Stories of Nothingness beyond the Edge. Once they’d reached the Fire Escape, Steve let go of his Hands and carefully turned him around by his Shoulders. “Keep your Eyes closed”, he reminded him, still trying to forge a Plan that’d work for Bucky.
“I’ll go first and keep a Hold of you all the Way down”, he finally decided. “You think you’ll be alright with that?” Once the Brunette agreed with another small Nod, he coaxed him backwards until he could climb down the first few Rungs of the Ladder. Afterwards he guided Bucky’s Foot onto the first Rung and wrapped his free Arm around his Waist while holding onto the Fire Escape with his other Hand. With his Body between the Abyss and his Friend he was shielding Bucky from the possible Fall and hopefully granted him some Sense of Safety.
“Steady and slow now”, Steve kept talking even though he wasn’t quite sure it was helping Bucky to stay grounded. He could feel his Muscles tense with every strained Creak the Fire Escape emitted. He wasn’t quite sure that their combined Weight wouldn’t be too much for the weakened Structure, but he quickly pushed that Concern to the Back of his Mind and concentrated on leading Bucky downwards instead. In Addition, the thin Layer of Snow on the Rungs had started to freeze over due to the harsh Wind and turned more Slippery by the Minute. It took almost every Ounce of his Strength to steady Bucky and to keep a firm Grip on the Ladder.
They had climbed down one Third when Bucky’s left Foot slipped. Steve immediately tightened his Hold, grunting silently at the additional Strain. Unfortunately it wasn’t enough to keep the Brunette from opening his Eyes and staring into the black Abyss beneath his Feet. A strangled Noise that sounded like he barely contained a Retch escaped his Lips.
“Breathe, Buck.”
The Blond hadn’t expected that two Words would be enough to drag Bucky away from his Panic, but he could feel him take a shuddering Breath beneath his Grasp. “You’re doing great.” His Tone softened and he gently squeezed the other One against his Chest for a few Seconds. “Close your Eyes again, please. We’re almost there.” Bucky only swallowed hard before he obeyed once more and they continued the painfully slow Climb to the Ground.
Even though it felt like Hours had passed, they made it down the Fire Escape without additional Troubles. Steve would have breathed a sigh of Relief if his best Friend didn’t look worse for Wear despite being on solid Ground again. His Skin was white as the chlorinated Sheets they used at Hospitals and he could still feel the Shivers wrecking his Body. He didn’t dare to loosen his Grasp and kept his Arm tightly around his Waist while they stumbled away from the Building and into the Darkness of the Woods.
Only when Steve was sure that the Foliage provided them with sufficient Cover, he slowed down and allowed Bucky to free himself from his Hold. The Brunette took a few shaky Steps before he collapsed on his Hands and Knees, violently heaving up the Food they’d had before leaving for the Mission. He cringed in Sympathy and crouched down besides his shivering Friend, rubbing small Circles into the tense Muscles of his Shoulders. He was almost grateful that their Rations were sparse and the whole Episode only lasted for a few Minutes until Bucky was merely dry-heaving and trying to catch his Breath.
“It’s okay, it’s okay”, he tried his best to comfort his Friend through the Pain and Panic. He wasn’t quite sure he was of any Help though. It had always been Bucky who’d taken care of him and at the same time refused to have Steve help him through the few Times he’d actually been sick. “You’re alright now”, he continued and carefully got him to sit back on his Heels once he seemed to be done for Good. He looked ready to pass out, a few stray Tears running down his Cheeks.
“Let’s get back to Camp, okay?”, he finally suggested and brushed a Strand of Hair from his Forehead. Bucky seemed to hesitate for a Moment before he agreed with a slight Shrug and allowed Steve to pull him back to his Feet. Once more the Blond wrapped his Arm around his Waist to keep him steady while walking back to the Spot they’d picked to set up Camp just a few Hours ago. Even though it was barely two Miles from the Military Base, they walked for almost an Hour before the Tents came into View.
Unfortunately, most of their Comrades were still awake and seated around the low Fire they’d lit to cook and grant them some Warmth. Steve had really hoped they’d gone to Sleep already to spare Bucky the Embarrassment of returning with obvious Stains on his Jacket and Hands. He considered sneaking into the Tent they shared before informing the Others of the abandoned Mission, but didn’t get a Chance to try his Luck. Once Jacques had noticed their presence, it only took a few Seconds until all Heads turned into their Direction.
Before any of them could manage to ask uncomfortable Questions, Steve gestures for them to wait for a Minute and manoeuvres Bucky through the Entrance of the Tent. “Take a Seat”, he instructed and slowly let go of his Friend. “I’ll take care of the Others and get some Supplies.” He didn’t even wait for the weak Protest and got back to the Campfire, trying to find an Explanation that wouldn’t leave Bucky exposed. Even though they’d inevitably come close during the past Weeks, Steve knew that he’d have struggled with having the Truth revealed. Especially when he hadn’t even dared to tell his best Friend about his Issues with Heights when he’d dragged him on a Rooftop.
“Probably food Poisoning”, he therefore picked the first Explanation that came to his Mind while he started rummaging through their Supplies. “We should check the Provisions tomorrow.” He only glanced at their Comrades once before picking one of the Canteens and a Cloth up. “He’ll be fine with some Sleep, but we should make sure it doesn’t happen again.” Gabe nodded in Agreement and held one of the steaming Cups he’d just finished preparing out to Steve. The Blond gave him a grateful Smile and accepted the battered Cup. “We’ll make a new Plan tomorrow. We can probably all use a Night of Resting.”
With that he wished them a good Night and returned to the Tent, tugging the Tarpaulin closed before crouching down in front of Bucky and pressing the steaming Mug into his Hands. Then he wet the Cloth and gently started cleaning his Face. Even though the Water was freezing cold and the Brunette frowned at the whole Situation, he didn’t voice any Complaints. Once he was done with his Face, Steve moved on and did his best to clean his Friend’s Jacket as well.
“I’m sorry.”
Steve barely caught the whispered Words and when he looked up, Bucky did his best to avoid his Gaze. He sighed silently and lightly tugged at his Collar to get his Attention anyways. “It’s alright, Buck.” He gave him an encouraging Smile and placed the Cloth aside before taking a Seat besides the Brunette. “I’m not going to lie though. You really scared me for a Second.” Even though he’d tried not to make it sound like an Accusation, Bucky actually ducked his Head in Shame. “It won’t happen again, I’ll be in Control next Time”, he muttered and Steve sighed in Defeat. “No, Buck... next Time you tell me that you’re not comfortable with being five Stories above the Ground.” When the Brunette didn’t react to that, he lightly bumped his Shoulder. “No more Secrets, promise?”, he prompted once more. Bucky actually seemed to consider his other Options, then nodded slowly and agreed: “No more Secrets.”