Chapter 22
Steve gets Bucky's letter or rather letters the next morning and while ecstatic about Bucky's idea he is admittedly a little nervous. What if Bucky forgot him by now? What if he moved away? God what if he was with someone else? But excitement at finally meeting takes over the nervousness.
He thinks about finally seeing Bucky in person, his bright blue eyes staring back at him in real time not in a photograph or blurred memory. He thinks about touching him, holding his hands, feeling his soft skin, or maybe it was rough from working at the bar and all the handiwork he talks of doing? Are his nails cleaned and nicely cut or are they bitten down like his used to be, before he got a long PowerPoint about germs in undergrad that finally made him stop (though he occasionally caves on particularly anxious days). He's not sure because he never asked Bucky to describe himself in such detail but he can't wait to find out. And to hear his voice. Was it smooth? Was it soft? Was there a slight hint of an accent from coming from Indiana? Bucky's hair was also probably longer now as he kept talking of growing it back out so the picture he has of him, which is still safely stashed in his wallet, is even more inaccurate. He wonders what that looks like too, if only his mind could make him remember the Bucky he met at the party, moving, talking, laughing. Shit maybe the Bucky in his time cut it again, or even shaved it off? He laughs at himself as if he'd care what Bucky looked like truly. He was in love with him regardless and in every which way.
He writes Bucky back that he's on board and jokingly expresses his concern that Bucky will forget all about him.
I could NEVER Steve Rogers! Bucky writes back.
Steve takes it upon himself to look up places that were still in business now as well as 2 years prior and didn't go through any major menu changes. He settles on a few. Slightly fancy because it was a special occasion but not too fancy that it'd be uncomfortable. He sends Bucky his list which consisted of 2 Italian restaurants, a steakhouse, a Korean Barbecue, and a seafood restaurant. He'd obviously be good with any of the choices he gave to Bucky but was secretly hoping he'd choose one of the Italian restaurants in particular. He shouldn't have been surprised when Bucky sent a letter back choosing the exact restaurant. They really did seem like the perfect match especially after almost a year and half of just talking now it was up to the date night to see if that was true physically too.
Bucky takes it upon himself to make the reservations for the coming Saturday. Steve laughs when Bucky describes the look the hostess gives him in the letter he writes to him but sure enough he watched her put it down on their system after letting him know that reservations didn't have to be made that far out. He let her know it was for a special occasion which she accepts with a shrug.
The Saturday quickly approaches with Steve daydreaming about the event throughout the week. Bucky had been too as he's noted his letters. He comments on the fact that he's caught himself overfilling drinks occasionally lost in his thoughts about it. None of the customers seemed to mind, some not even letting him know until Bucky snaps out of it and finds their head on the counter, mouth open trying to get Bucky's pour in.
Glad to see we're both on the same page. Steve writes in his last letter til the day. Are you as nervous as I am? Please tell me you are hahaha. Not necessarily in a scared nervous but more ...pleasantly anxious? Look at me not even thinking of the right words for what I'm describing. See what you're already doing to me Barnes? I hope I'm better by the time we see each other. If you hear me stumbling just know I'm not usually like that haha. I work late Friday so this might be my last letter to you before the event so um... good luck? hahah I'm kidding. I'll see you then! I can't wait. Oh wait I just realized I get to see you but you wont see me? I mean you will in 2 years but oh no I"m sad now...I shouldn't be sad... It's happy right? I mean this way you can know we finally do get together in 2 years exactly? At least you'll have something. Now I feel selfish I get to have you! As promised I'll give you a play by play of the night haha similar to what you did for that party. Don't get mad when you see me take notes though I don't remember well when I'm nervous haha it's all for you in the long run anyways. I love you! I'll see you soon.
Love,
Steve
Steve wakes up in the early afternoon on Saturday. He spends a lot of the time after he wakes up on his phone in his bed, relaxed. When he finally gets up to make a late coffee he sees the familiar flag up on the mailbox. He smiles to himself knowing Bucky would leave a last letter before their big evening. He walks outside, coffee in hand, and makes his way to the mailbox.
He decides to read it outside as the warm breeze tickles his face. It's nearing summer now so it's getting hotter outside but by the lake there was still at least a cooler air, unlike in the city. He enjoyed it today especially, he was looking foward to enjoy everything about today.
Steve,
We are both definitely on the same page! I am a little nervous which is actually kind of funny. It's so weird being so axious about something that won't happen for me for another few years. You'll be fine Stevie <3. And if you're too nervous I'll understand, you know I will. Don't be sad I don't get to see you (I technically did get to spend time with you and you didn't get to with me so call this somewhat even?). Trust me this will give me more peace than you can imagine because I finally have a date on the calendar to mark! I can actually make you more real in my life without people questioning too much more. Plus 2 years isn't soo so bad. I can do that. I wonder how this will work though? Will I magically jump into your time with my memories of the past 2 years coming with me? Hahah I guess we'll find out soon! I can't wait for your detailed retelling :). I'll be not-so-patiently waiting. Love you to the moon twice and back around. Good luck tonight. It'll all work out wonderfully.
Love,
Bucky
Steve smiles fondly at the note, folds it up carefully, and puts it in his sweatpants pocket. He can't believe it. He can't believe after all this time he'll finally be able to see the man he's fallen in love with. They can finally start their forever. He does wonder about what Bucky said. Would he suddenly be thrust into Steve's time with just memories filled of the past 2 years or will he still be writing to past Bucky until that Bucky lets him know about "a date" he has 2 years from now. Then the letters will end because they'll both be with each other. Guess he can ask the Bucky he'll see tonight if he still got letters. That will let him know. Once again he looks at the sky and laughs asking silently why couldn't he have fallen in love in a simpler way?
But he also wouldn't change it for the world.
Late afternoon comes and Steve decides to start getting ready early, knowing he'd probably change his outfit 20 or so times. He technically does but it's more going back and forth on the same 3 outfits several times. He decides on a combo of two of them instead. Then decides against that as well. He then gets the idea he should wear the same thing he wore to their first date since Bucky didn't get to technically see it? He thinks for a minute. Puts it on, then takes it off, puts on another, and then goes back to the first date one. It works, it looks good on him, and has some sentimental value. That could be the icebreaker (if he even needed one). So it's settled. He sprays himself with his only cologne and goes to the bathroom to fix his hair. After a few comb throughs and a few pumps of product he's good to go.
Just got to ease those nerves, Rogers Steve tells himself as he takes a deep breath and slowly exhales. He practices that all the way out the door and to his car.
Bucky puts the letter in the mailbox, his hands shaking from nerves. He hopes his letter played it off way cooler than he was actually being. He was so nervous for himself, for Steve, for his future self. He's been trying all day to think of ways to occupy his time (and his mind) as he waits for Steve's letter telling him everything that happened or happens ? He wonders if he'll feel a change? Probably not it was still in his future technically. He thinks maybe he should call into work? It would certainly occupy his time...although not so much his mind as he's displayed so well this past week. Maybe he could find a movie. Or go to the movies? Maybe call Sam? See what he was doing. Or call Steve his time? No no can't do that. He still doesn't know you like that and he won't remember you from the party unless you give the long in depth details and by then he'd probably just think it was weird you remembered that much of a party he thought was a dream. Plus they'd be a year and half behind on their bond, it would ruin things. And then including Sam questioning why he was asking for a number of a person he told Sam to specifically not remind him about. It was a very fleeting thought, doing it not even stuck in his mind. He pulls out his phone to call Sam but decides against that as well. He was busy, probably stressed. It won't be long til him and Steve have to call it quits on the Private Practice. He's tried to allude to it in the few times they've gotten together the past few months but he couldn't directly tell Sam so he had to claim he "just had a feeling" or give advice on "expanding his horizons". It's difficult seeing him struggle but in the long run it'll work out. He tries also not to think about that in the long run Sam moves away.
He decides to use his phone for a different function. Looking up movie times.
Steve arrives at the resturant and gives the host Bucky's last name, the time they agreed on, and the amount of people: two. He waits as the host types it into the computer in front of him, Steve can feel his knees shaking as he waits.
"Ah yes!" They man in front of him says. He reads off the table number and calls over a waiter. The waiter arrives and greets Steve as he grabs two menus. He politely asks Steve to follow him to the table. When they arrive he pulls out a chair for Steve.
"Here you are Mr. Barnes," he says to Steve.
"Oh. OH no," Steve laughs as his cheeks get red. "I'm not...I'm not Mr. Barnes." The waiter looks at him confused. "I mean I'm here for the...I'm waiting for Mr. Barnes." Steve lets out.
The waiter smiles, understanding. "Oh I see. I'll let you know when he's here then?"
"Yes thank you. That would be nice." It'd give Steve time to catch his breath before Bucky got to the actual table.
"Drinks to get you started or would you prefer to wait?"
Steve thinks for a moment. "I'll just wait a little bit."
"Very well," The waiter nods. Steve thinks he heard him introduce himself as Brad but he couldn't remember now.
Steve checks his watch. 7:20. He was a little early. Reservation was for 7:30. He takes a deep breath and inspects the silverware.
10 minutes pass and he's inspected every non smudge on the silverware, and the dishes, and the empty glasses... He pulls out his phone, maybe there will be something on there to calm himself as well as pass some time. the 7:30 appears on his screen in large font. Bucky should be here any minute. Is it considered rude to be on your phone before a date arrives? He debates for a bit but comes to the conclusion Bucky wouldn't mind.
He scrolls through his apps not able to find the right one for the anxious occasion. His waiter comes over again.
"Still hasn't arrived, sir. Are you sure you don't want me to get you started with something to drink? Maybe some water at least?"
Steve nods. "I guess water for now would be okay."
A few minutes later a glass of water appears at his table. He looks at the waiter's name tag quickly as he puts the glass down by him. Brad it is. He thanks him and looks at the time again.
7:40.
He's not sure what to make of it because he doesn't know if Bucky is punctual or not or if he arrives fashionably late. Sometimes people can't control it. He looks through a few more apps. Brad arrives again, gives him no news, and asks again if he'd like to order drinks. Steve finally caves figuring one drink might take the edge off.
It's a quarter past 8 now. Traffic! Steve thinks. Of course. Traffic here could easily cause a 30 minute or hour delay. Steve had parked somewhere earlier, took the subway, and walked the rest of the way so he didn't really get into traffic. But of course. It was Saturday too which didn't help. Everyone was going out.
Brad arrives with his drink and Steve thanks him. He opens his phone's browser and looks up Fun Topics to Talk About on First Dates.
It's a pretty long article, naming about 95 "fun topics" and how to start the conversation to get into them, some even coming with full dialogue. So when Steve nears the end and still no word from Bucky he starts to wonder. He finishes the article. His phone reads 8:40. Little over an hour. He can spot Brad across the room coming over and considering there isn't someone following behind him he knows it's not what he's wanting.
"Still nothing," Brad says, giving Steve a look of sympathy but also a look indicating he's seen this too many times.
"It's...probably traffic." Steve says.
"Yeah," Brad agrees. "Would you like me to start you off with something? I'm sure you're hungry."
"No, it's fine. I'll wait a bit more." Brad looks at him uneasily. "What?"
Brad breahes in. "It's just. This is a very um sought after table and it's getting a little packed...." Brad tries to say but Steve isn't getting it. Brad breathes in again. "It's just that if you don't order something...food wise... they're going to ask you to give up the table."
"But I've ordered a drink?" Steve says.
"Right...so since you did do that they'd make you sit at the bar because technically we serve drinks there and since you are one person..."
"I"m not one person I'm expecting someone."
"I know," Brad scratches his head and Steve can sense the fear that this would be reflective on his tip but his manager also did put him in a bad position. "It's just that...it's been an hour...or rather closing up on hour and half."
"What is there a time limit for reservations?"
"On busy nights yes. Plus technically the reservations said for two." Brad clears his throat. "It's not that you can't eat here it's just that they'll have to move you to a smaller place. Free this up for a-"
"Fine! Fine. I'll order something."
Brad nods and pulls out his notepad. Steve reads off the first appetizer he sees on the menu. He doesn't even remember what it was by the time Brad writes it down and repeats it to him.
"Real sorry about-"
"Not your fault. Rules are rules." Steve says and offers the waiter a small smile.
Appetizer comes, some sort of spicy shrimp with sauce, and Steve checks the time again. 8:55.
Maybe Bucky got the wrong place and he was coming over now the small hopeful voice in his head tells him. But it's not true. He orders another drink.
9:30 he caves again and finally orders dinner. He checks his phone to keep him company and to stop himself from crying into his napkin in a room full of people. He looks around, watches couples laugh and hold each other. He looks away quickly and back at whatever dumb crap Dum Dum posted on Facebook.
9:45 his dinner arrives. His heart still doesn't accept Bucky isn't coming, he's not sure how to convince it.
10:10 comes he's scooping up his last forkful of potatoes, dipping it in the gravy his chicken left.
10:20 Brad comes by and picks up his dirty plate. He asks him if he'd like dessert. Steve declines. He asks for another drink instead.
The crowd has thinned out drastically now, so much that Steve knew when someone was coming in or leaving because it was so quiet he could hear the bell on the door himself. Despite it being hours later he still looks up everytime the bell rings in hopes of Bucky finally getting there.
11:00
He can feel his heart losing hope, his mind finally accepting it. Bucky forgot him. He tried to convince himself but logic shuts it all down. If Bucky was running late or had an issue, while he couldn't call Steve, he could definitely call the restaurant. No Bucky forgot about him. 2 years was too long and Bucky didn't hold up his end. He forgot about him and left him. Didn't even give a message to the resturant to cancel the reservation, it would've hurt but saved Steve some embarrassment in the long run.
11:15, 30 minutes before closing.
Steve hears the bell on the door ring and despite himself he looks up. He squints to make out the person who comes through it, trying to make out if he recognizes them. He does. His heart flutters momentarily at seeing a familiar face but drops when his brain connects to his heart letting him know it's not the one he's been waiting for. He takes the last sip of his drink, checks his watch again, and orders one more knowing it'd be done by the time the restaurant closes.
The familiar face spots him, linked arms with another man, and comes towards him.
"Steve! Darling!"
Steve gives a small smile. "Peggy. Good to see you." He says. He lifts his drink but remembers it's empty. "What're you doing here?"
"Oh we just stopped in for some quick drinks. They make the best appletinis!"
Steve nods.
"This is Daniel," Peggy introduces the man on her arm. "Daniel. Steve. Steve. Daniel."
"Nice to meet you," Daniel holds out his hand to shake Steve's. Steve obliges.
"You want to join?" Peggy asks, nudging to the bar.
"No. I'm okay, " Steve declines. "I was just getting ready to leave anyways."
"Oh alright. Well it was nice seeing you."
"You too."
"See you around?" She asks.
Steve nods and watches her walk to the bar, dragging Daniel with her.
It's a day after their date and Bucky waits impatiently at the mailbox awaiting Steve's full detailed letter about it. He felt no different last night as the date was going on but that's probably expected. When no letter arrives Bucky wants to be sad at that but maybe the date went REALLY well and Steve wasn't home yet.
Bucky laughs at that and thinks vicariously through his future self at what that might've been like.
He waits another day, and then another, and another. He checks his mail daily and still nothing.
After a week passes he gets concerned. Why didn't Steve write back? What if he did but now that he's seen future Bucky the time traveling mailbox no longer works? What if it's not truly just Bucky waiting 2 years for Steve. He didn't know that Steve meeting him would mean no more mail for him too, if it did...he'd still do it but he'd like to know what he was prepared for.
He does, however cave, and writes a letter regardless if the mailbox works or not.
Steve,
Hey! It's been about a week. I did say no rush but umm I didn't mean hold out on me this long, jerk! haha Please let me know how it was. I want to know everything. I"m a little worried because I figured you'd send a little something by now like "hey yes it went well but i don't have time to write it all out" or something? Anywyas I"m just worried. Please write back :)
Bucky
More days pass and still nothing.
Steve,
Hey! Me again...obviously. Haven't heard from you in almost 2 weeks. Is everything okay? Please message back. Doesn't even have to be about the date if you don't want it to. I love you.
Love,
Bucky.
Finally after almost 2 weeks the flag on the mailbox is up.
Bucky rushes to the box, happy at finally getting something back. He quickly opens the box and eagerly unfolds the paper. His smile and his giddiness drops as soon as he reads the first line.
You never came.
You never showed up. I waited hours. I waited until they closed and you never showed up. I don't know if this is how you maybe are in the real world. I mean what do I know I only see what you let me see and it's not like different circumstances let me see a different part of you because you're just a letter. You're just pen on a piece of paper and who knows how much of the real you I really know. Maybe in 2 years you just don't care anymore or you don't remember. Maybe by this time for you I'm just a small distant memory. Maybe this is what happened with Sam. Sam saw the real you, knew the real you inside and out and that freaked you out so you left him too. Maybe you're just one of those people that leaves... I mean everybody always leaves huh? Maybe we should stop this now before anyone gets more hurt. Rip the bandaid off and we can both move on with our lives.
I wish we had a better ending but maybe this is the way it's supposed to be. Maybe you were just here to push me in a better direction. Or maybe in the end you were just a figment of my imagination. I took a man I met at my friends party and made a fantastical story out of it in my head. I'm sorry it had to be this way but I can't do this anymore knowing how it ends. You could've done me the decency of showing up and telling me but maybe I didn't stick in your head permanently enough for it to matter to you.
Steven R