Chapter 18
They continue to write back and forth as usual but this time as more an official feeling towards it. They had their date.
Bucky sends him things in the mailbox, sometimes a little rusted. Steve does the same though he always makes sure it's something that's at least 2 years old in case the box doesn't let it exist out of time, unlike their letters.
As months pass Bucky opens up more about his dad, talks about how he wanted to be a writer and how that inspired Bucky to write as well, which then later inspired him to write to be better in a sort of revenge idea for being a shitty father. Steve's not sure at first why Bucky starts talking more about him, sometimes even painting him in a sympathetic light, until Bucky sends the letter that his father has passed.
So my dad is dead.
Bucky starts his letter off fairly bluntly.
And I did resist the urge to play a certain Wizard of Oz song but...I guess he was still my dad. It wasn't exactly sudden but it also wasn't a long term thing
Bucky writes, after letting Steve know it was by illness, not a sudden accident.
I wasn't allowed to visit him. Which is fine because I honestly didn't want to. I know it sounds harsh but what would've been the reason? He didn't want me there. Could I have resisted and gone anyways? Sure, but who was I to not give a dying man his DYING wish? So anyways...there's that.
Bucky spends the rest of the letter talking about his new therapist that he found thanks to Sam and how they're much better than the last few. He says he hopes it lasts with them because he really hates switching therapists. He doesn't mention more of his dad besides saying his new therapist knows about it and that's it. He ends the letter with:
I hope you're doing well?
Love Bucky
Steve is shocked by the contents of the letter and only a little shocked at Bucky's reaction. He's aware Bucky's issues with his family but was not aware of how deep they go. Not allowed to visit him? Part of him wonders if that was Bucky's dad's doing or someone else in his family. He thinks about the man that didn't get to see his son one last time as well as the son that didn't get to see his father. He knows Bucky's relationship with his dad is rocky though, so maybe it was for the best despite the sympathetic ways he was describing him in letters the past month or so.
Steve takes a while to think it through before getting out a piece of paper to write Bucky back. He offers him his sympathies and understanding as well and offering to lean on him (figuratively) whenever he needs especially in this particular time. He acknowledges Bucky's possible feeling and lets him know he's not a bad person for thinking or even feeling a bit of relief at the loss of someone who didn't want to fully accept you but he also wanted Bucky to know it's also okay to be sad, even if you think he didn't deserve your grief.
Steve ends his letter with:
Just allow yourself to feel this.
He sends the letter and doesn't have to wait long for a response back. That's how they were now, letters were almost like conversations, they were sent back and forth so quickly and so often. There's only a delay because of work but each practically camp out by the mailbox when they're home.
That's my problem, though, I don't feel anything. I mean not in a numb way. The only thing I mourn is the relationship we could've had as far as father and son goes but we didn't have a relationship. I grieve for what could have been if he had been a better dad. I don't know if I should feel guilt about it ...maybe I shouldn't? Feelings are what they are.
Sam did offer to come with me but I told him that'd probably make things worse with them assuming I'd brought my boyfriend or something. Not like my mom isn't aware Sam is just a friend (she's known him about as long as I have) and therefore be able to tell everyone that but there would still be a lie in place with saying I'm totally NOT gay and am just waiting for the right girl. I don't talk about her much either but my mom is kinda...mostly okay with it it's just the rest of them (aside from a few cousins).
It's funny actually because I could never tell if it was the gay thing or the mentally ill thing that made my family shun me out (could also be the bartender thing??) but I guess I'll never know that. All of those seemed to embarrass them in some way I suppose.
Also there's 2, yes that's right TWO, services. I'm allowed to one of them which is generous and should tell you all you need to know. Okay, okay technically I'm allowed to both but have been advised on which one to attend. I'm fine with that too though. I can avoid all the talks of what I'm doing, why I'm not doing something else, why I don't have a wife, what clumsy accidents have I gotten into recently bla bla bla. Having everyone acting like my dad was still there.
God I just wish we could've had one final conversation with him, one final notation that he really did care about me in some way. That I wasn't just a disappointment but I guess I'll never know. I'm fine with it though I stopped looking for his approval long ago but it just would've been a nice thing to have. They want me to get up and say something and that's probably the hardest part because I can't exactly call him a shitty dad in front of everyone that's there to honor him. I'm not that crazybrave.
Anyways mom tells me he was writing some memoir or something (wouldn't it be fucked if I don't even get mentioned in it?). Supposedly it's one of his best works which considering he never sold a thing I don't know what standards to hold that to. But I'm not exactly one to talk.
Jesus Christ enough dark angry shit for today please tell me about you? How's your day been? Or week? Did I even ask about your week? Here I got yapping about my family and I didn't even ask how you were. Some boyfriend I am huh?
Love
Bucky
Steve understands Bucky's feelings all too well, he went through something similar with his dad, although he wasn't exactly raised with him and didn't see him too often. It's hard when we lose someone we had always hoped to have some sort of reconciliation with or reach an understanding with them before they leave this earth. He's mad in Bucky's defense with the way his family treats him and having TWO SERVICES? So he doesn't embarrass them in some way?
The way Bucky talks about them kind of lead Steve to believe it was more about his disorder than his sexuality. He mentioned his stints in hospitals and therapy felt like an embarrassment to his father but didn't mention much of the man being outwardly homophobic, though it could be buried and the paternal figure could've also not represented the rest of his family. Could've also all been a misinterpretation from his father's actions, through no fault of Bucky's, sometimes it's hard to read our parents true intentions. However there was no doubt Bucky's father could be cruel at times even when Bucky spoke of him with sympathy Steve could see through it. The truth of it is people can just be complicated.
Steve takes a sudden interests on Bucky's second to last paragraph and he wonders for a minute if anything ever became of that. He tries to wrack his brain trying to think of what Bucky said his father's first name was. He goes back a few letters to find it. He's about to type it in a google search but then thinks for a moment. If anything anything came up with Bucky mentioned he'd screw it all up.
So instead he calls up one of his friends and asks him to look it up. Montgomery is the one who picks up and takes Steve's request without many questions.
"I just want to know if it was ever published?" Steve asks on the phone.
"Uhh," he hears Montgomery's keyboard clicking. "Published in...wait did you want me to tell you that part?"
"Yeah that's fine."
"Published umm this year actually. Well officially released in December 2011..."
"Wow so he actually did it..." Steve trails off.
"Hm?"
"Nothing um is it sold anywhere?"
"Ummm," he hears the keyboard clicking again. "Online in some small websites I've never heard of uh..." More clicking keys. "Ohh a few bookstores in the area!"
"Oh yeah?" Steve says, a pen cap now in his mouth as he gets out a paper to write on.
"Yeah! Well Brooklyn area, one store in Queens, the rest are out of the city... Rochester...Buffalo... Syracuse."
Steve writes down the cities quickly. "Where in Brooklyn?" That'd be the closest bet.
"Uhh," 3 clicks from the mouse. "Few places... want me to just text them?"
"Oh yeah sure that works."
He thanks his friend and hangs up. Few minutes later his phone buzzes with a few text messages of bookstore addresses. If those aren't available he'll just try the other cities or the websites.
They don't really have any indicator if it's available or not so I'd call ahead if you don't want to do the traveling. Montgomery finishes the chain of texts.
Steve googles most of them, rules out the ones that were mostly used bookstores and therefore might not have a live inventory. He'll use those as a last resort. He starts calling even though he's already grabbing his keys to head to into town. The first one doesn't pick up at all, the 2nd goes to voicemail, the third puts him on hold, and the forth hangs up before he can get his question out. He looks at the location for the 5th on the Brooklyn list and heads that way.
Searching all through the store, trying to get help from any of the employees, Steve cuts his losses at the 5th store. Maybe he'll just pop in on the ones he tried calling. He looks up the address for one of them as he calls the 6th Brooklyn store.
They finally pick up after what seems like 10 rings. The woman that picks up the phone says the name of the store so fast Steve is not even sure he called the right place. He asks if the number he's calling is the bookstore he meant to call and when he gets a "yes" from the employee he proceeds to ask about the book. He waits as she looks up the title in what he assumes is their computer database.
"Into those indie writers huh?" She asks.
"Hm?" Steve questions.
"Guy wrote one book his whole life. Got a lot of love but not from top tier newspapers. He's not like New York Times Bestseller bullshit or anything." She says. "Then he's apparently dead so people tried to uncover what other writing they could, from failed publishing deals to shit he wrote in school. Ended up finding shit his son wrote instead ...who I personally prefer."
"Uh." Steve's heart starts racing at the sudden inclusion of Bucky and on information he's not supposed to know, yet. As far as he knows Bucky's never published anything.
"Bit darker... really speaks to my soul." She continues. "You know he also-"
"Just the book!" Steve interrupts before she can get more out. "It's actually just a gift. I don't know anything about the writer or his umm."
"Ohh sorry! Spoilers," She laughs lightly. "But yeah we have a few copies. I'd get them now before the hipsters realize we still have some."
"Uh okay thanks. Would it be possible to hold one for me? I'm about to hop on the train."
"Yeah I can do that. Just need your name and number."
Steve tells her and waits for her to jot it down before he hangs the phone up. He's not even sure if he wanted to buy the thing he just wanted to see if maybe, maybe Bucky's dad left something for him in his book. Dedications happen.
Steve starts to feel maybe this whole idea is stupid and he shouldn't have meddled but he's on his way anyways so he hopes this gesture doesn't backfire.
He finds the store, another hole in the wall type, thanks New York, and after a bit of hesitation heads inside. He almost laughs that he might've been too late because as of right now the store was packed with what some might refer to as "hipsters". He squeezes his mouth close to hide his laugh that wants to escape as he makes his way to the registers.
"Can I help you?" The woman at the register asks. He assumes it's the same one he talked to on the phone, their voices seemed to match.
"Yeah I had called about a book? I was told I could reserve it."
"Oh!" She smiles. "Steve Rogers, right?"
"Yup," He smiles back.
"Good. I was about to call you," She nudges to a group of "hipsters" though Steve is almost shocked because he would've classified her as one as well with the way she dressed. But who knows. He was out of school too long to identify cliques. "I think one of them was on the hunt," She jokes.
She ducks down under the desk that holds the register and Steve can hear her rustling though things. "Ah!" She comes up after finding it. "Here you are."
She hands the book to Steve.
"I'd at least read the dedication," She says.
"Huh?"
"The dedication page," She repeats. "Oh and the Afterword or whatever that's called."
Steve looks at her puzzled.
"You know..since I told you about his son writing as well?"
"Oh right yeah..." Steve nods.
"Or I guess tell whoever it is you're buying it for."
"Hm?"
"You said you were buying it for someone..."
Steve turns the book over in his hands. "I actually don't even know if he'd want it is the thing," he lets out.
Now it's her turn to be confused. "Oh? Then why..?"
"It's hard to explain," Steve offers a small smile. She just shakes her head and turns to the computer.
She names the price and it isn't bad, especially for a new book, so Steve says screw it and buys the thing without reading to be sure if Bucky was actually mentioned. He thanks the store clerk, tucks the book under his arm, and gets on the train out of the city and back to where he left his car. He drives back to the Lakehouse, picking up some extra paper and some ribbon on the way.
He waits until he's inside sitting on the couch before he opens the book and starts reading. He flips to the dedication page after reading the title and thinking of alternate ones like "The Ills of a Father" or "How to Fail at Being a Supportive Parent". Then Steve feels bad because it's not his resentment to have but he feels it regardless.
He's surprised when the dedication is nothing but a sentence. He was expecting to flip through a page or two and maybe find Bucky at the bottom, if at all, and he knows that's what Bucky would be expecting too but there it is clear as day:
To my only son,
I wish we had more time.
Steve sighs. It's something but he's not sure it's enough to make up for everything. And sure maybe Bucky is mentioned in the actual book, though reading the back of it it seems to mostly be his time as a young adult to fatherhood. To be fair though, Steve only skimmed it.
Then he remembers the store clerk talked about the Afterword. He quickly flips the book to it's end and flips through the pages till he gets to the beginning of that section. There's talk of his short illness, how he died surrounded by his family and Steve stops for a minute to roll his eyes at that. Then the books says it'll leave it's readers with the last few words the writer wrote about particular people in his life. Steve scans and scans the page, flips the next page and scans some more.
Finally he lands on Bucky, or rather James Buchanan Barnes: My son.
Steve breathes in and readies himself for whatever bullshit this man was about to sprout but as he starts and reads on it's not bullshit at all.
My son,
Through this book I offer my amends for the way I was with you. As the readers might find as they make their journey through this it wasn't usually pleasant . I should've been a more supportive, understanding father. If I could start it all over I would but even then I'd probably still screw up. I want you to know it was never you. You were a good kid as any, maybe even more than good but I was tough, I know. I could offer you a reason behind it but it'll only be an excuse. You never deserved how I was and I know it's a little too late to make amends especially via a book you might not read but it's the only way I know how. You know I was never much of a talker much more of a writer. I need you to know I am proud of you, proud of everything you've accomplished. I wish I could've expressed how so. I hope you continue on with your writing, you were always better at it than me, even though this is the only time I'll ever admit it.
A lot is said in those few sentences but Steve's not sure if it's enough. Could it make up the lifetime of Bucky feeling like a disappointment because of his father's actions? If he had made his amends earlier could he have repaired his relationship with Bucky? If Bucky was given more supportive and understanding parents would he have such a touch time now?
Steve thinks for a minute maybe he shouldn't send the book at all. He goes back and forth, debating in his head. In the end he decides he should, Bucky deserved to see his father's last words to him, not wait 2 years to find out. He wonders if he could even send it in the first place considering it doesn't technically exist in Bucky's world. He really should've bought 2 copies.
He thinks for a minute. He writes out a long letter, filling up 2 pages. He wraps it loosely around the book and grabs the ribbon he bought, which he was going to use to wrap around the book anyway. He ties it ensuring the paper around the book stays in place. He gently drops it in the mailbox and prays it works.