Chapter 9
Their letter exchanges grow more frequently, Steve stopping by every other day to retrieve one and send another out. Now that each trusts fully the other is in another year they're able to get to know each other even more through their letters. Bucky is kind, sensitive, and protective (though it doesn't take much for Steve to learn that). Steve is passionate, stubborn, but also strong and soft. Matter of fact they both have softness to them that it takes a bit for the other to see. Both are good at burying things and hiding it, though apparently not to each other.
Both find the other hilarious though neither would write to the other admitting it.
They talked of dreams, of struggles, of goals. They talked of the past, the present, and future . Each resisted the temptation to find the other.
Bucky constantly tells Steve how it's not fair how Steve knows what he looks like but Bucky doesn't know what Steve looks like.
Steve jokes "there's always Facebook."
Bucky calls him a punk in the next letter.
Steve still sends Bucky predictions but most for the fun of it.
And it's almost as if fate wanted to further prove thing to Steve on Bucky's end because they get to talking about a book, a book Steve just so happens to loose oh about 2 years earlier. It was a one of a kind, limited edition of a Winnie the Pooh book. Odd for a grown man to have but his mom had given it to him. The reason he had it on the train that day was he had gone home to collect some things. n his way back he decided to look through it and fell asleep on the train. When he woke up with the jolt of the train stopping, the panic of him missing his stop caused him to flee quickly and leave the beloved book behind.
It was just a conversation piece, nothing more. Steve wasn't expecting anything from it. He didn't even get suspicious when Bucky asked for further details on what train, what day, what time.
It's not until Steve opens the mailbox that day and finds not only a letter but a wrapped package.
The letter is a continuation of their conversation ending with a "And guess what I found..."
Then a "P.S Open the package."
So Steve does so. And it's the exact book he described. A little dirtier, a little worn, but just the same. He opens it to see where Bucky happened to get a copy of the same book Steve had but it wasn't a copy. His finger graze over his mother's handwritten words on the blank space on the coverpage of the book. She had wrote to him when she gifted the book to him, around the age of 5. His smile is both happy and sad. He missed her so but he was also so at peace to have it back and so happy he had someone that would do that for him. He flips to the next page where a small drawing of Pooh would be and sees a sticky note placed there:
Couldn't stop thinking about this. Glad I was able to get it out of you when/where to find it. It was a little dirty (found it under the seats) but I luckily didn't have to wrestle anyone for it so I consider that a win. I cleaned as much of it as I could.
Love,
Bucky
Love...Love. Love.
And Steve smiles.
"Love you too, Buck." He closes the book and walks back to his car.
And they carry on from there. Casual letters turn to love letters. Pet names come out. Steve puts Bucky's picture in a now less discreet and more intimate place in his car, hooked to the chain dangling from his rearview mirror.
To put it simply, more clearly, they start to fall in love and use the big 4 letter word commonly.
Which is why it comes odd to Steve when Bucky suddenly stops answering his letters again.
First it was the first day and Steve excused it for the fact they still don't technically know when exactly Bucky gets the letters in his time so maybe Steve sent it too late.
The second day was maybe Bucky was busy and didn't have time to check or didn't have time to write a letter.
3rd day gets a little suspicious usually Bucky would've at least sent a note apologizing, saying he's busy but he'll write back as soon as he can.
Day 4 there's still nothing and Steve almost writes again, almost opens his phone to see exactly how many times Bucky's place did burn down but instead he goes home.
Or rather on the way home he is called on...or begged by his friends to go out so instead of going all the way home he meets the guys up at another bar. This one not walking distance to any of them which means assigned designated drivers. They'll all get there one way or another but Steve volunteered himself as one of the drivers. He could fit about 3 of them in the car, not including himself, somewhat comfortably. Dugan volunteered to NOT be a designated driver so it was only Steve until Jacques offered, which was kind of unfair as the man was traveling from France but Steve's not about to start an argument.
On the way to the bar Steve is reminded once again, he should really get back in touch with Sam, see how DC is, see how he is.
He sits there, trying not too look too annoyed at his drinking friends enjoying themselves. He tries not to think about Bucky and worry about him or worry about rejection. It's hard when you can't see the other's face or god forbid visit them in real time. The joking around by the guys does pull him away from that for most of the night till the laughter dies down from the last comment and his brain drifts to that but then there's Dugan starting another long winded story about his time in somewhere or another.
So he forgets for a little bit, that is, until it's time to go home.
After they close their tab Steve yells out, "Alright! Who's going with me?"
Gabe and Montgomery quickly raise their hands not wanting to get stuck with DumDum.
Which leaves Dum Dum and Jim for Jacque.
Steve smiles at his friends eager request to have him drive. "Okay! Ready to go."
"Yes, Captain!" Montgomery yells and gives Steve a drunken salute. Steve rolls his eyes and shakes his head all while trying to hide a grin.
They make their way outside and Steve unlocks the car, hitting the button twice on his key so the back will unlock too. Gabe crawls in the back as Montgomery claims shotgun. Steve gets in and gets settled. He chooses a neutral radio station that plays soft hits and adjusts the air conditioning to make it comfortable for all of them.
"Hey wait a minute!" Montgomery exclaims. "Why do you have a picture of the hot bartender?"
The blood run from Steve's face.
"What?" Gabe asks. "The bar we were just in?"
"No," Montgomery laughs as he takes the picture off of the clip from the chain on Steve's mirror. "Ole blue eyes."
Steve makes a grab for the picture as Montgomery reaches to show Gabe. Steve misses and the picture makes it to him.
"Wait Belle...Beau...what was it," Gabe tries to remember the name of the bar again as Steve reaches for him.
"Mmmm he really was belle...bellisimo" Montgomery says as Gabe doges Steve's arm to get a better look.
"Nice to see your Italian is improving," Steve says sarcastically to Montgomery.
"Hmm his hair is a lot shorter," Gabe hands the photo back to Montgomery. "But definitely him. And definitely belle. I'd remember those blue eyes any time...any day" He grins.
"Alright alright!" Steve finally successfully grabs the photo from Gabe.
"How do you have this picture anyways?" Montgomery asks motioning to the photo as Steve places it back in it's old spot then second guesses that before putting it in his wallet instead.
"Yeah. I thought you didn't know him," Gabe comments.
"I don't. I didn't. It's....it's complicated." Steve answers. He can tell they're about to ask more which is why he switches the station to heavy metal and turns the volume up as he backs out into the road.
He gets home about an hour later knowing Gabe and Montgomery would probably ask about Bucky when they're sober but also hoping by the grace of God they'll be too drunk to remember the photo anyways.
He doesn't go to the Lakehouse the next day, giving it a rest, but the day after he finds himself making the trip without confidence there will be anything there.
To his pleasant surprise he does get a letter but as soon as he opens it up he's unsure if it was a good thing or not. It's written messy, scribbled.
First written in Bold was I'm sorry over and over.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I'm an asshole. I'm an asshole.
Steve's anxiety only increases from there.
Let me start from there. I'm sorry this is rushed. I'm sorry this is late and I'm sorry I'm the way I am. You probably thought this was like the fire. You were probably worried and trying to resist looking me up to see if something happened or you're mad or you're both and I"m sorry. This isn't like the fire it's just me being a messed up piece of shit and...Okay I shouldn't be talking about myself in that way...i'm told and I should use nicer words to describe my...well anyways maybe I should start with I am fine...to ease that worry. I'm okay or I will be ?
So I'm an asshole.
I'm an asshole for making you worry.
i'm an asshole for making you wait.
And I'm an asshole for not telling you everything about me. Even if that thing might make you not want to be with me