This fear messing with my head
Peter stared out the car window.
He was so hungry but he was too tired to do anything else other than stare out the car window and think of his family. Getting to talk to his dad felt good but he wasn’t even sure if that actually happened now.
Peter felt like he was underwater again. He didn’t know what was real or what was all just a dream.
As much as he wanted to wake up in a cold sweat and have his parents right there to comfort him, he knew he wasn’t dreaming. This wasn’t just a really bad nightmare. This was real life.
They pulled down a dirt road and drove for a bit. Peter’s attention was suddenly alert and looking out the drivers window.
It was midday out but since they were driving in a forest and what looked like a road for bikes and not cars, Peter couldn’t really see much.
“Where are we going?” Peter asked, trying to lean forward in his car seat but it held him back again.
“We’re going to our new home for a little bit.” Bucky explained to Peter then he was turning off the dirt road and onto another road that was hidden. Peter started to panic.
Help was going to be looking for him in the wrong place.
He saw a small house at the end of the road but it led out onto a street with five other houses in the middle of the forest. Peter tried to look for people that could possibly help him but he didn’t see any.
Bucky pulled up to an old looking white house that looked like no one had lived in it for years. He put the car in park in the driveway and Steve turned back to look at him.
“I’m gonna take you inside and you will not make a sound. Remember what I told you?”
Peter nodded.
“Good job, bear. My smart, baby bear. Let’s go inside and you can cuddle with daddy now. I missed you so much.”
Peter looked down. He didn’t want his kidnapper touching him but he knew he didn’t have much of a choice.
Steve got him out of the truck and grabbed onto his hand but Bucky wasn’t getting out of the truck and Peter wondered why. He was afraid that he did something wrong and that Bucky was going to hurt his family so he tried to pull away from Steve.
“No! I listened to you! Please don’t hurt them!” Peter screamed and Steve’s hand immediately covered his mouth and lifted him into his arms.
“Shut up. Shut up, Peter. Buckys going to get some supplies for us. I told you not to speak until we got inside.” Steve was quick to unlock the front door and shut it behind him, double locking it.
“I’m sorry.” He said quietly but Steve didn’t say anything for a minute. Peter was stiff in his arms, trying to decide if he should ask to be put down.
“Baby bear, daddy missed you so much. How about we talk for a bit. It’s been so long, you made daddy so sad.” Steve placed him on his feet but Peter froze.
He hated how Steve did this and how he fell for it every time. He hated so much how he felt guilty and wanted to apologize for nothing.
Steve took a seat on the couch and held his arms out for Peter but Peter didn’t move. “Don’t make me sad. Come here.”
Peter still didn’t move. “Do you want to go into that room over there because I can call Bucky right now to buy a lock.”
“No. No, please. Please, Steve. Don’t I-”
Steve was immediately standing up and grabbing onto Peter’s arm, dragging him down the hallway and into the room. Peter screamed but didn’t have time to do anything as he was thrown into the room and the door was shutting behind him.
Peter screamed.
He got vivid flashbacks to when he was locked in his bedroom before when he spoke to some of the neighbours without Steve there or when he asked to hang out with a new friend he met at school.
Peter caught his balance and ran towards the door, banging on it as hard as he could. “Please! Let me out! I-I’ll be good!”
He had no idea what he did wrong. He never knew but he learned that he had to do what Steve wanted for him to open the door. “Daddy! Please. Please, I want out! please!”
The door was being opened but Steve stared at him instead of offering comfort like he always did.
Peter stood there and violently choked on his sobs.
He looked up at Steve and slightly raised his arms up, not knowing why he was doing that but he was. When his kidnapper picked him up, Peter shut his eyes and tried to imagine Tony holding him but it was so different and it only made him cry harder.
He wanted his dad, not the man who was pretending to be his dad.
Steve sat on the couch and got him situated on his lap and tried to force Peter’s head onto his chest but Peter fought back. “No, nooooo. S-stop.”
“If you don’t listen to me, I will put you back in that room for the rest of the night.” Steve threatened him and then grabbed his hand, forcing Peter to put his thumb into his mouth. Peter turned his head away but listened after.
At least it brought him some comfort.
He stayed like that with Steve, resting his tired eyes and taking comfort in Steve’s chest rising and falling with each breath he took. Peter hated how he took comfort from the man who stole him away from his life again but in a way, it seemed like Peter hadn’t even left.
Part of him wished that he never did leave Steve. That way he wouldn’t feel so scared and unhappy and miss the life he used to know, the life he wanted so badly to get back.
He hated that. He hated Steve.
The door was opening so Peter lifted his head off Steve’s chest and looked in the direction of the front door, hoping so badly men walked in with guns raised at Steve’s face and ready to take him away but it was just Bucky.
He put his head back down but then the smell of food hit his nose so he lifted his head back up again and took his thumb from his mouth. “I’m hungry.”
“I got food. Let’s eat and then we’ll go over the rules.” Peter felt his heart drop at Bucky's words. He didn’t want any more rules. He spent seven years with rules that destroyed his life.
“I want to eat over here.” Peter went to walk towards the couch but Steve was picking him up and setting him on a chair at the small table then placing a plate in front of him.
Peter couldn’t remember the last meal he had, he was so hungry so he grabbed the fork and began piling food in his mouth.
He paid Steve or Bucky no mind. Concentrating on his food and eating every last bit of it. His attention was pulled somewhere else when he heard a loud bang and snapped his head to turn to the front door.
Bucky ripped open a package and dropped a loud mental chunk onto the floor then pulled out a drill.
Peter felt his heart drop. They planned on locking him into a room when he was listening. He didn’t do anything bad and yet he was still going to be punished.
He turned to Steve with panicked eyes. “No! You said to be good and I am! You-you’re a liar and I hate you!”
Steve raised his eyebrows at Peter. “Calm down, bear. Come here.”
Peter listened. He slid off the chair and went to stand in front of Steve. Steve was grabbing his hand and forcing his thumb into his mouth. “You need to calm down. This will help you.”
He pushed Steve away, stumbling back himself. That only angered him so he pushed Steve again, screaming at the top of his lungs. “I HATE YOU!”
All the built up anger he had towards Steve all these years was finally coming out and he lost it.
Steve grabbed onto his arm but Peter was quick to smack him away. When that didn’t work, he leaned down and bit his arm, hard.
“Ow. Peter. Enough!” Steve rubbed at the bite mark on his arm while looking at Peter with black eyes.
Peter was terrified. This wasn’t the same Steve who raised him for seven years.
Steve tried to grab him again so Peter screamed as loud as he could, throwing himself onto the ground and kicking anyone who dared to come near him.
“Stop! Stop it right now!” Steve yelled but Peter didn’t stop. “Bucky, grab the locks.”
Peter immediately stopped but it was too late. He saw the lock in Buckys hands and him walking towards the bedroom that Steve threatened him with earlier and he screamed.
He was no match for Steve no matter how much he screamed or how hard he kicked. Steve picked him up, holding him so tightly against his chest that Peter almost couldn’t breathe.
“No! Noo! Don’t leave me in here! Please! Please!” Peter begged but it was already done.
Steve tossed him into the empty and dark bedroom, slamming the door shut and locking it.
Peter stood up, clumsily running towards the door and attempting to open it but it was locked. He aggressively shook the doorknob. “Open it! Open it, please!”
No answer. Peter screamed louder and banged on the door.
“I HATE YOU! OPEN IT! OPEN THE DOOR!” Peter gagged on his screams, falling onto his hands and knees and gagging some more.
He was dying. He felt like he was going to die.
Peter had no idea how long he was in the empty room for. He didn’t care.
When he heard the door unlock and open, he remained on the floor, lying on his side and staring at the crack in the wall.
The light from the hallway shined on his face, causing him to squint at it.
Steve kneeled down in front of him. He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, just staring at Peter. Peter finally lifted his eyes up to look at the man. “I’m sorry.”
A smile spread across Steve’s lips. He caressed Peter’s cheek and grabbed his hand, putting his thumb in his mouth. “It’s the only way for you to calm down.”
Peter fought Steve weakly at first but he knew he would lose. He always did. He didn’t have a say in anything he does or even think when he’s with Steve and he thought that part of his life was over.
He thought he was done. Peter thought he was past the healing part, he got better and he struggled so hard to get to the point where he was and even after all the help from his family and friends and therapists, he was still having bad days where what Steve did to him would affect him.
Now, he was back in the arms of his kidnapper and Peter wasn’t going to survive it this time.
He now knew what he was missing.
who he was missing.
He was missing his dad, mom, brother and sister and even his dog.
He had so much and it was all so violently ripped away from him.
Peter knew… hoped that his dad was looking for him with Natasha but because of the phone call, they were looking for him in the wrong place.
He was led out to the living room again and he turned to watch Bucky put the lock on the front door. Peter knew he was locked in that room for at least three hours so Bucky had all that time to put the damn lock on the door then.
Why do it now?
It was because they wanted Peter to see it and know he couldn’t escape.
Peter ran towards Bucky and smacked him on the arm but Bucky barely responded to it.
“Don’t do this! I wanna go home!” He turned to Steve who was walking towards him. “This- you aren’t my dad! You never were so s-stop pretending to be. You’re just… you’re just sick! And you need help so let me go I have to go ! Please. Please, Bucky! Let me go. Let me go!”
Peter tried to open the door but no matter how hard he tried to fight, he was no match for the two men. They were larger and stronger than him.
That still didn’t stop Peter from trying.
Steve picked him up, holding Peter against his chest with one arm that wrapped around his stomach and used his other hand to cover Peter’s mouth to stop him from yelling so loudly.
“Remember what I told you. I am not just saying that.” He whispered into Peter’s ear so Peter immediately shut up. He wasn’t going to risk these men hurting his family. “Good. It’s time to get you washed up and then into bed.”
Peter looked over his shoulder at Bucky who paused installing the lock to watch Steve carry Peter off. Peter knew Bucky wasn’t going to do anything for him, he never did.
He was placed on his feet on the cold bathroom tiles that sent a shiver down his spine.
When he turned to look at Steve, he saw him starting the bath but Peter refused to go in the bath. He didn’t care if he had to scream, he was not going in the bath with Steve here.
“I don’t need to take a bath.” Peter said, leaving no room for debate.
Steve, of course, had other plans.
“You need a bath to wash the day off. I know it’s been very hard for you the last little bit but I’m here now and I’m not going to leave you, little bear.” Steve stood up and grabbed the bottom of Peter’s shirt but Peter pushed him off.
“Get off. You just locked me in that ROOM! I hate you! I hate you so much cause you ruined my life.” Peter didn’t want to start crying but he did. “Why did you do it? Why-why did you take me at the park the first time? why?!”
Peter never really understood why it was him. He never understood what he did to deserve the life he got.
Even though he felt awful for feeling that way, Peter always wished Steve decided to take another child at the park that day. So he wouldn’t be the one in this situation right now. So he could be a normal fourteen year old. So he could have a normal life with his friends and family.
“I don’t think you understand, Peter.” Steve chuckled. It made Peter feel sick. “I didn’t just happen to see you at the park and want you, I had been following you around for your whole life. Why do you think I knew your name? Knew everything there was to know about you?”
Peter didn’t understand.
“Those… people. Who was keeping you from me, they don’t love you and they never will love you. No one can ever love you as much as I do. Do you understand me when I tell you that you will never leave me again, Peter. I won’t let it happen this time. I know what I have to do to protect you this time.”
The words hurt. Peter hated the threat that lied behind Steve’s words.
“Now,” The man plastered a smile on his face as if he didn’t just threaten to kill Peter’s entire family. “take off your clothes because it’s time for your bath then daddy will put you to sleep.”
Peter turned away and went to run out of the bathroom but Steve grabbed him before his foot was able to take a second step. Peter screamed and when Steve put his hand over his mouth, Peter bit down as hard as he could and tasted blood.
Steve let him go and winced in pain, looking at the bite mark on his hand.
Peter froze, unable to move as he waited for Steve to make his next move.
“Peter Rogers. I don’t think you have any idea how serious I was when I said what I said.” Steve growled, he grabbed Peter by the arm and dragged him out to where Bucky was. “Go, Bucky. Peter doesn’t think I’m being serious so go and bring back pictures.”
Peter screamed.
“No! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Don’t! Please! Please please please, I-I- don’t! please!” Peter grabbed onto Steve’s arm and tried to drop to his knees to beg Steve to stop Bucky from killing his family but Steve’s grip on him was preventing him from doing that so he put his hands together and pleaded. “I don’t- I’ll be good. Please. Please please-”
“What’s done is done, Peter. I want you to remember this. This is your fault. You made the choice. You decided their fate.” Steve said and it rang over and over again in Peter’s head.
I decided their fate. I killed them. I killed my family.
Peter broke apart. He didn’t even care what Steve did to him now. Nothing mattered anyways.
He watched Bucky grab a gun off the table and leave. Peter tried to scream but it was no use. Steve dragged him into the bathroom and shut the door, managing to get Peter’s clothes off even though Peter tried to stop him and kicked his legs out but Steve always won.
He always won.
Peter was placed into the bath and he didn’t even try to get out. He already lost.
He stared down at his hands, trying so hard to stop crying but he couldn’t. He thought maybe if he was kidnapped by some strange man that Peter didn’t even know, it would be better than this.
Maybe he would try to fight harder or even try to get away but Peter felt like he was the same child he was when he didn’t know any better and let Steve take full advantage of him.
“I don’t want you to be sad. Let me see that smile, bear.” Steve caressed Peter’s cheek so Peter leaned away and wiped his face. “Baby bear.”
Peter continued to stare down at his hands. He hated the voice Steve used, before, Peter would fall for it and give in to anything Steve wanted but not now. Peter was trying hard to stay strong. To stay himself.
He knew deep down that it was only a matter of time before he broke.
Steve was sighing and reaching in the water to pull the plug so Peter immediately stood up and tried to reach for the towel that he saw sitting on the floor but Steve grabbed his arm. “I love you, Peter. Remember that. When Bucky gets back, I want you to remember that it wasn’t my fault. It was your fault so you will not blame or lash out at me.”
Peter tried to yank his arm away but it resulted in him almost slipping. “You’re hurting me.”
“I don’t care.” As soon as Peter heard those words, he snapped his head up to look at the man. He hated how he felt disappointed. That maybe Steve was lying and that he didn’t actually love him.
“You said you loved me?” He meant to say as a statement but it came out as a question.
Steve lifted him out of the bathtub and wrapped a towel around him, picking Peter up so he could be at eye level with him. “I do. And you love me and cannot live without me. Ever. If we ever got separated from each other again, you would miss me so much, baby bear, and I don’t want you to suffer so promise me something,”
Steve sat Peter on the bed and kneeled down in front of him. “Promise me that we will never be apart. That you will always choose me.”
Peter didn’t want to promise him that. He didn’t mean it but… he was scared of disappointing him so he nodded. “Okay.”
“Say it.”
“I-I promise. I promise.”
With that, Steve smiled and stood up. Peter watched him dig in a suitcase then pulled out pyjamas, turning back to Peter. “Stand up so I can help you and then straight into bed.”
Peter hesitated. “I-I don’t need help. I’m… I’m not ten anymore. I should have done it by myself when I was ten too so just… let me do it by myself.”
Peter was terrified of what Steve would say but to his surprise, Steve just smiled. “Oh bear. I’ll always help you. You don’t need to do it by yourself. You’re too young so stand up.”
“But I’m not. I did it by myself all the time when-”
Steve cut Peter off. “Shh. Don’t say that. I don’t like it, bear. Let me help you.”
Peter didn’t have a choice. He stared over Steve’s shoulder, wanting so badly for someone to rescue him.
He was then ushered over to the bed so Peter crawled into the middle and completely lost it.
His breathing quickened and he felt like he was suffocating. He had been sleeping in the middle of his parents bed, tucked away safely between the two of them and now he had to fall asleep without them.
He had never slept without them under the same roof, just a door down in over four years. Ever since he got back.
Now he was ripped away from them and he didn’t know if he could do it. He felt like he was gonna die.
Steve tried to place his thumb in his mouth to get Peter to use that as a self comfort mechanism instead of actually talking to Peter and asking him what’s wrong. Like he always did.
Peter refused at first but after Steve tried another time, Peter accepted it and turned onto his stomach. He didn’t want to close his eyes, too scared to spend a full night without his mom and dad there with him.
Peter flinched when Steve rubbed at his back. He couldn’t help the sob that escaped him, missing his family so much it physically pained him.