Life as we know it
Tony sat in his car and texted Pepper back.
When he looked out his car window, his eyes immediately landed on Peter who was saying bye to his friend and making his way towards the car.
A smile was breaking out across both Peter’s and Tony’s face. Since the car was tinted, Peter was only smiling at the fact that he was going to be seeing his dad in a short few seconds.
He opened up the passenger door and threw himself in so he could practically jump over the center console to hug his dad. “Hey, I missed you.”
Tony was used to this. It was one of the many things he looked forward to during the day, picking Peter up and seeing his big, beautiful smile on his face.
“I missed you too. Did you have a good day at school?” Tony asked after Peter was pulling away from him and throwing his backpack into the backseat then turning around to get his seatbelt on.
“Yeah! Mr. Martin let us watch a movie in biochemistry class today and then in English, Ned sneezed so hard that his water came out of his nose. It was so funny.” Peter explained to his dad and reached over to grab the man’s hand, starting to play with his wedding ring just to be close to his dad and touching him.
Tony let Peter play with his ring. He was used to the frequent gesture by now. “It sounds like you had a fun Friday.” Tony turned out onto the Main Street to go drive to pick Morgan up. “Are you excited for the weekend? You know who’s coming to visit us?”
Peter couldn’t stop the excited squeal that he let out. “Yes! Harley! Are we picking him up?”
Tony loved seeing Peter so excited about something which happened quite often. Peter was a happy boy. “No, he’s already driving so he should be home before you go to bed.”
Tony looked over at Peter. He could see the under eye circles getting worse and worse on his face. He wasn’t too worried about it since they’ve dealt with the phase before but it seemed to be lasting longer this time.
Peter was having difficulty sleeping. Tony and Pepper have dealt with the sleep issues for a long time with Peter and they would come and go, some nights were better than others but recently, Peter has been having a really tough time.
They’ve been doing everything to help him since the not sleeping phase happens about once a month and last three days to a week but this time, it’s been going on for two weeks now.
All three of them were lacking sleep and struggling.
Tony would spend a little over two hours trying to get Peter to fall asleep but then Peter would sleep for three hours and wake up screaming due to night terrors. The nights he couldn’t wake up, he’d end up wetting the bed and refuse to go back to sleep for the rest of the night.
Tony could see it on Peter’s face even though Peter was trying so hard not to show it.
When Peter thought no one was looking, he would rub at his eyes or yawn. Tony saw it every time though.
Peter let go of Tony’s hand to try and hide his yawn. Tony looked over at him and pulled up to a red light. “You can see Harley tomorrow morning. He’s home for two weeks. He’s not going anywhere, baby.”
Peter gave Tony a dirty look. “I’m not a baby. I’m not ten anymore, I-I don’t need to go to bed at eight anymore like Morgan.”
Tony nodded. He has this conversation about ten times a day with Peter. “Alright. We’re picking up food and you get to pick. What do you want?”
“Uh… Burger King.” Peter answered and hid another yawn that Tony chose to ignore this time. It was going to be another long and hard night.
Peter started to eat the fries while they waited in the pick up lane of Morgan’s school. Tony reached over to grab some as well. He let Peter eat because he didn’t know if Peter was going to be able to stay awake till dinner.
Morgan ran to the car and climbed in the back, reaching forward to hug Peter. “Hi! Hey, I want some fries.”
Peter handed her some of his. “Did you paint me another picture? I told my teacher that you always paint me a picture so he said next art class I should paint you one.”
Tony looked over at Peter suspiciously. “It’s Friday. You had art class today.”
Peter tensed up but tried to hide it. “Yeah… I meant like… n-next art class. Do you want more fries, Morg? Me and dad ordered like a lot.”
Morgan was reaching forward for some. “Obviously. Hand it back.”
Peter handed her back her pack and shoved more into his mouth. Tony didn’t comment on anything since they would be home soon and then he could talk to Pepper about it.
Once they got home, Peter was the first one out and ran inside. He immediately ran towards the kitchen to hug Pepper. “Mom! I missed you. I brought fries.” Peter pulled away after greeting his mom and jumped on top of the counter to sit.
“How was school, baby?” She asked, reaching into the bag to grab her own fries.
Peter swung his legs back and forth. “Good. Can we watch a movie when Harley comes?”
Pepper turned to look at her baby’s face. He looked even more tired than he looked this morning. She knew how Peter got when they mentioned bedtime so she decided just to say yes. “Sure, baby. He’s not coming until later tonight though.”
“I know.” Peter said like it was obvious.
“Kid, you better give me extra cuddles later for carrying in your food and your backpack.” Tony placed the backpack on the floor and handed the bag to Peter. “Get your butt off the counter and go wash up before we eat.”
Peter playfully rolled his eyes and hopped off the counter to go upstairs.
Tony waited until Peter was gone to speak. “Do you think we should try and get him to sleep before Harley gets back or let him try and wait up for him?”
Pepper thought about it. “Let’s see how the night goes. He seems like he’s in a good mood for now.”
Tony didn’t have time to answer because the phone was ringing so he quickly chewed and swallowed so he could answer it. “Hello?”
“Hi. This is Mr. Skims. I’m Peter’s art teacher and I just have a few concerns I’d like to talk about.”
Tony’s eyes went wide. Okay. This wasn’t good. “Alright. Is everything okay?”
“I’ve been noticing that Peter has been acting a bit different this past week. He seems unmotivated and quiet. Two days in a row now I’ve had to wake him up because he fell asleep in my class.” The teacher explained to Tony.
Tony wasn’t surprised they were getting a phone call from Peter’s teacher but it made him feel like such a bad parent. Maybe they shouldn’t have sent him to school? “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. Peter’s been having some difficulty sleeping at night so we’re working on it.”
Pepper looked at Tony, now understanding what the conversation was about. She waited until the phone call was done before speaking. “Who was that? His principal?”
Tony hung the phone up. “Nope. Art teacher.” So that’s why he didn’t make Morgan anything, because he fell asleep.
Peter took that moment to walk into the kitchen wearing track pants and a white shirt. “Hey, your art teacher just called me.”
Peter froze and looked between both his parents. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh. You’re falling asleep in class now.” It was a statement, not a question but Peter decided to answer it anyways.
“No. I’m not.” He lied.
Tony crossed his arms. He was trying not to push Peter too hard because they knew they had to be more gentle with Peter than Morgan and Harley but Tony wasn’t going to tolerate Peter straight up lying to his face.
“If you want to lie to my face then you can go upstairs and get ready for bed right now.” Tony warned him. He was not going to let Peter lie.
Peter took a breath as if he was going to say something but he shut his mouth and looked down. “Fine. I fell asleep in class but don’t send me to my room.”
Tony uncrossed his arms and leaned against the counter. He saw how stiff Peter was so he was kinda feeling bad for threatening to send the boy to his room for the night. “So you can’t sleep in your bed but you can sleep in class?”
Peter continued to stare at the floor, not moving. “No. I mean… I couldn’t help it. Okay? Can we just forget about it now?”
Pepper walked towards Peter to pull him in for a hug that Peter immediately accepted. “We’ll stop talking about it for now. Go eat your dinner because I think Morgan wanted you to watch tv with her.”
Peter rubbed at his eyes as he looked over at Tony and grabbed his food to join Morgan on the couch.
“Leave it for tonight, Tony. He’s over tired.”
“He’s always over tired.” Tony hated this phase that might be more than just a phase now. Peter was clearly struggling with a lot. He hadn’t had a proper night sleep in weeks. That meant neither Pepper or Tony were sleeping.
Tony tried to offer up his sleep so Pepper could sleep. He would stay with Peter and lie with him in his bed while Peter tossed and turned and then got so frustrated that he started to cry. It was hard.
“I’m gonna do the laundry. Can you tell Peter to empty his gym clothes in a few minutes?” Pepper asked, pulling Tony from his thoughts.
“What? Yeah. Yeah, I’ll tell him.” He grabbed his food and went to go join his kids and tell Peter but when he walked over to the couch, Peter was passed out.
Tony sighed in utter relief. It wasn’t even six o’clock yet but that was okay. Peter was sleeping and that’s what his body needed right now.
He sat down on the couch and stretched his feet up on the coffee table, looking over at Morgan. “Morg, turn it down a bit.”
Morgan turned it down and looked over at Peter. “He didn’t even eat anything. Maybe we should wake him up.”
“No.” Tony was quick to mention. “He’s not sleeping well, he needs as much sleep as possible.”
Morgan looked sad. “I know. I hear him crying at night sometimes.”
Tony tried so hard so that Morgan didn’t have to hear her older brother crying in pain and frustration every night but apparently she heard all along. “I don’t want you to hear that.”
“Is Peter sad? Maybe-maybe because he’s not happy with us anymore.” Morgan wiped at her dry eyes and curled in on herself.
That was another thing that they had to work on. A little after a year after they got Peter back, Morgan suddenly started freaking out every time Peter got mad or sad and thought that he was going to want to go back to Steve. No matter how many times they reassured her that Peter didn’t want that, Morgan would still think it.
He thought she would understand by now but she didn’t.
“Pete’s just having trouble sleeping at night so it makes him extra tired and cranky throughout the day.” Tony explained to her. He never really talked to Morgan about it since he didn’t know that she knew.
Morgan frowned. “Oh. Maybe if he has his water bottle again like he used to then it’ll help him.”
Tony thought about it. It wasn’t actually a bad idea. It used to work when Peter was younger but then he stopped drinking from it after he didn’t need it anymore. He definitely needs it now so Tony would try it again and hopefully it works.
He began looking through his phone, not really paying any attention to anything else. He was planning on taking his family on a vacation somewhere to get away for a bit but now he wasn’t so sure that was the best idea.
Between Peter’s insomnia and Harley crazy schedule, he wasn’t so sure it was the best idea anymore. Pepper was pulling him from his thoughts by sitting down next to him with a tea in her hands.
“What’re you guys watching?” She asked quietly, smiling over at Peter’s sleeping form.
Tony turned his phone off. “Uh… I don’t know, one of Morgan’s cartoons.” He rubbed at his eyes and yawned. “I’m exhausted.”
“I can put Peter to bed tonight. You need your rest, Tony. When was the last time you slept?” Pepper asked him and he thought about it but he couldn’t remember.
“Uhh… Peter fell asleep for a little bit last night so I got in an hour or so.” He knew that wasn’t enough but if Peter was awake, at least one of them had to be awake to help him sleep as well. It was always Tony.
“I’ll take him tonight. You need a full night's sleep.” She leaned her head on his shoulder briefly. Tony was going to argue against it but he didn’t. He nodded, he really did need his sleep.
Tony turned his phone back on but Morgan was standing up suddenly. “The couch’s all wet.”
Both parents were looking at the side of her leg that was pressed up against Peter’s lower half. No. Not again. Tony stood up to remove the blanket that was half covering Peter and sighed in defeat.
“Peter peed on the couch.” Morgan pointed out and tried to get a closer look but Tony was pulling her away.
“Don’t. Just… go upstairs with your mom please. I’ll handle this-”
Peter was opening his eyes and immediately sitting up with slight discomfort on his face. Tony saw the exact moment Peter realized what happened and wanted so badly to make this stop. Peter couldn’t catch a break.
“It’s okay, Petey, it was just an accident and-”
Pepper was quietly telling Morgan to be quiet as she pulled the girl out of the room to give Peter some privacy. Peter narrowed his eyes at Morgan and watched them leave before letting out a sob.
“It’s alright, Pete. It happ-”
“No! Don’t touch me.” Peter yelled at him, moving his arm roughly out of Tony’s hand. “Just… leave me alone.”
“It’s okay, Peter.” Tony tried again but didn’t touch Peter this time.
Peter stood up, looking down at his now wet pants and moving to the side. Tony could tell he was trying so hard not to cry so he was making the more pitiful sounds.
Tony watched him, waiting to see what Peter’s next move was going to be. Peter sucked in a breath of air and turned to walk out of the room to head upstairs. “Please just… leave me alone.”
“Peter-”
“No, dad! I-I did this last night too and-and… I can’t sleep! I’m so tired and I can’t sleep and I just wanna be left alone so please. Leave me alone.” Peter walked down the hallway, sucking in a shaky breath of air and wiping at his running nose before running upstairs.
Tony waited until he heard the door slam before letting out the breath of air he was holding in unconsciously.
He cleaned up the mess on the couch, well used to cleaning up Peter’s accidents by now.
Upstairs, Peter ripped open his dresser drawers to pull out clean clothes and then left his bedroom to take a much needed shower. He saw Morgan standing at the end of the hallway looking at him so he paused, giving her a dirty look before disappearing into the bathroom and locking the door behind him.
He tried so hard not to cry but no matter how hard he tried every time, his body disobeyed him which resulted in a lot of tears. So, Peter sat on the closed toilet seat and bit his thumb to stop the sobs from escaping his mouth.
After a few minutes of that, he took a calming breath and stripped from his wet clothes to get into the shower. Peter didn’t know what was wrong with him. He knew why something was wrong with him but no matter how hard he tried to not think about that part of his life, he couldn’t help it.
He was happy now but he couldn’t help but think of Steve. Peter hated that he thought of the man and he hated what followed those thoughts but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t help it.
Sometimes he wondered what life would have been like for him now if he stayed with Steve. If he never knew that life he was living was a lie, if he still believed Steve was his father.
Peter knew that he wouldn’t have been as happy as he was now, well, not right in that moment but in general. He knew that he wouldn’t have learned how to swim or tie his shoes or visit Malibu and swim in the ocean with his brother and sister. He wouldn’t know what it was like to be squeezed in the centre of a tight hug with his family and he definitely wouldn’t know what it was like to be held by his mother and feel her gentle fingers comb through his curls.
But he also wouldn’t know that he was missing all of that and that he was living a lie and sometimes, sometimes Peter just wants to forget about that fact that half of his life was lived a lie.
He hates that so much.
Peter squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think of something else but he couldn’t. He wanted to know what Steve was doing, if he still loved him and thought of him but Peter hated that man so much he wanted him dead sometimes. Most of the time actually.
Peter knew that he should tell his mom and dad what’s going on inside his head, they always wanted to know but he was scared. He was scared that they were going to hate him or be angry at him for having these constant thoughts.
With that, Peter got out of the shower and dried himself off as quickly as possible so he could leave the house and go to his secret spot. He knew he wasn’t allowed to go there anymore but he felt like he needed to right now.
He made sure he didn’t bump into anyone on his way out the front door. He was finally tall enough to just reach the top latch on the door so he could open it now without anyone helping him or dragging a chair up. He also secretly knew the alarm to stop from going off every time the door opened up.
So after he did that, he left.
Peter planned on going back home. He wasn’t running away but he just needed some time to clear his mind.
He walked down the street and then across the small field towards the broken tree that was struck by lightning two summers ago during a bad rain storm.
Peter sat on the log under it and pulled his feet up, hugging his knees and sighing.
He wanted to talk to someone but he didn’t know how or what to say and that was so frustrating. No one understood him. Morgan was his best friend in the world but he sometimes didn’t want to share some of his secrets with her.
They were extremely close but he knew he couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on in his head and that made him want to cry.
“Hey.”
Peter jumped, almost falling off the log at the sudden voice. He only relaxed when he saw who it was.
“Hi.”
Tony put his hands in his pocket and stood in front of Peter. “You know I don’t like you leaving the house by yourself.”
Peter shrugged. “Morgans allowed to walk over to her friends house by herself.”
“Because her friend lives two doors down. Meanwhile you’re running away from home to go sit under some dead tree without telling anyone where you’re going.” It wasn’t the first time Tony found Peter here but it was definitely going to be the last time.
Peter looked up at his dad to give him a dirty look. “I didn’t run away from home.”
“Yeah? You’re just temporarily leaving then. Get up. We’re going back.” Tony turned to leave but Peter didn’t make any move.
“No.”
“Excuse me? Can you say that again because I thought I just heard you say no to me.”
Peter swallowed. “That’s because I did. I’m not going home, dad.”
Tony eyed Peter for a few seconds before going to sit next to him on the log. “What’s going on, bud?” When Peter didn’t say anything, Tony tried to guess. “Is it me? Is there something going on at school? Is it a girl? Do you have a crush or-”
“No.” Peter shook his head aggressively. “No, it’s not a girl and it’s not school or you just, it’s nothing, okay?” Peter sighed. He wished it was as easy as girl problems like his normal friends have. He can’t even remember the last time he had a crush on a girl or even thought of a girl. Maybe when he was four in kindergarten.
Tony smiled despite the situation. Peter was so special and so much different than other boys his age but he loved that so much. It was what made him Peter so it was hurting him to see his boy hurting so much and not know why.
“Tell me. I can help.” Tony gently nudged Peter’s shoulder to get him to start talking.
Peter sighed. He could try to tell his dad what was on his mind right now with him coming there. “You and mom treat me differently than you treat Morgan and Harley.”
Tony couldn’t deny that. They babied Peter and tried so hard not to but it was the truth. They had more patience with Peter and let him get away with a lot more.
“Alright. That’s true.”
Peter ripped apart a leaf in his hands. “Why?”
Tony thought about it. He knew Peter knew why but he didn’t know what he wanted to hear. “Your mom and I love you guys all so much but we love all of you differently.”
Peter understood that. “Last week when I asked to go over to Max’s house you and mom had to talk about it for like two hours and then when Morgan asks to go to her friends house, you say yes straight away. Does that mean you love me more or less?”
Tony looked over at Peter. “It means we love you differently than we do with Morgan, Peter.” He stared at Peter for a few seconds before deciding to tell him something. “When I can’t find Morgan for a few seconds, I simply call her name a few more times or go check her bedroom. If I can’t find you or if you even leave my sight for a second, my heart drops and I feel like I can’t breathe until I lay my eyes on you and can see that you’re okay. I’m terrified of losing you, Peter, because I already lost you once. I won’t survive losing you again, okay? That’s a different kind of love.”
Peter didn’t know any of that. “Oh.” He knew his dad always chose to sit next to him during movie nights and pulled him right up against his side until Peter was practically sitting on his lap and Peter let him but now he was guessing that it probably calmed his dad to know he was close and okay.
“Yeah.” Tony didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t know if he shared too much but now it was Peter’s turn. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”
“No. I-I’m fine, dad.” Peter lied. He knew it was so obvious that he was lying because his voice went even higher.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Tony wanted to know. He needed to know so he could help.
“You don’t want to know what’s going on in my head.” Peter knew his dad wouldn’t like that but it was the truth.
It wasn’t what Tony wanted to hear but he could work with it. “Talk to me, baby.”
Peter couldn’t help it. Hearing his dad call him baby was the last string holding him sane. He immediately started crumbling down.
“Aww, baby. It’s okay. I’m here. Daddy’s here, baby boy.” Tony immediately wrapped his arms around Peter and pulled him against his side so Peter was throwing his leg over his own leg so he was sitting on his knee.
Peter cried against his chest. It was a broken cry and it broke the fathers heart having to listen to his child be in so much pain and not know how to help him.
Tony knew it wasn’t going to fix anything but at least Peter was letting it all go so he wasn’t holding everything in all the time.
It was going to be a rough night. Again.