Chapter 3
Freedom, Mr. Stark,
Really, does anyone actually, truly have freedom? I don’t think so. I used to think we had freedoms, that we had rights, but each day feels further from the truth. Sorry, I realized I haven’t said hello yet. So; Hi, Mr. Stark. I hope you are doing well. I hope you have the freedom to breathe, and laugh and sing. We’re regularly given horrible choices, one’s we should never face, and we can only hope to make it out to the other side.
Obviously, we do this for survival. Which brings me back to the freedom thing. If every choice we make is rooted in whether or not we survive is that real freedom? Or are we trapped by our own minds- coming up with twisted rules that we must adhere to. And not only that, but our bodies. They’re so stupid. Why are we so fragile? Should our bones not be made stronger so they cannot break? Wouldn’t it make sense if our brain was built in such a way that it couldn’t play silly tricks on us? The limit of the body should not exist, we become weaker after reproductive age, our knees start to ache and our joints start to seize. We’re trapped, all of us- everyone; there is no escape. The other side cannot exist if we can never reach it, if our limitations fall short of the goal. Like God: I cannot see them, therefore it doesn’t exist. That’s how I feel.
You know, I read this story once. It was for school. Traumatized me as a 13 year old. Honestly, it would probably still traumatize me now. But I’ve been thinking about it. Anyways, Mr. Stark, it was about this girl and her unicorn (was it a unicorn? I’m not so sure, I’m no expert, it had wings, that feels more like a Pegasus, I really can’t remember much of this story). The girl had wanted to fit in, she wanted to join this club- maybe it was a cult, it certainly felt like a cult. There was a group of popular girls, and they had their unicorns and if you wanted to hang out with them, you had to take away two things from your unicorn. I’m no writer, Mr. Stark, so I feel like I’m butchering this, and remembering it wrong, but it feels burned into my head. Now these unicorns, they had their horn, their wings and they could talk. It’s what made them special. So this girl, had to choose what she wanted her unicorn to keep if she wanted to be included in this cult. I don’t remember what she chose, but I know that in the end her unicorn had been stripped of everything that made it special. It could no longer talk or fly or stab anyone with it’s horn. The unicorn became a horse. It was no longer special.
A unicorn was turned into a horse. It must have been horrible to face that type of choice. It died, in the end by the way. Murdered. Cotton candy blood everywhere, because the girl didn’t want to cut out her unicorns voice. Had she and her unicorn not gone, there wouldn’t be any death. The unicorn would be special. I can’t stop thinking about it. What if you had to give something up Mr. Stark. If it was in between your intelligence, your strength and your tongue, what would you keep? I think I would keep my tongue, if I was put in that position. That’s silly isn’t it, that this is my equivalent to the unicorn? While my overall fate will be the same-death, at least I’d never lose my ability to talk or eat. But the idea of giving up my intelligence and strength, it feels like there would be nothing special about me left. I would just be a horse. It’s an impossible choice, yet this story is what I keep coming back to. I don’t need my ability to think or remember. Honestly, to forget my past, what I’ve done, it wouldn’t be the worst. Maybe then I would feel peace. My parents wouldn’t haunt me anymore. But I would forget you and May. It would be selfish of me to not chose my intelligence. But that’s what learning is for. And strength really, there’s no telling what type of strength that one would be. Mental, physical, who knows. I suppose I’m reading too much into this story.
.
Not like it matters anyway. I don’t know why I’m even thinking about this story, honestly. I don’t have a horse, or a unicorn. Either would be cool. I know, I know, unicorns don’t actually exist, but a horse could be cool too. They can run fast. I actually don’t know much about horses. I do know they can get drunk on rotten apples, and they can jump over things. It’s a horse, I don’t know. Some of them are free aren’t they. Wild mustangs? I think I saw the beginning of a movie where someone was trying to catch one to ride. They already had horses, on a ranch or a farm, genuinely I don’t know the difference. But that’s greedy isn’t it? To take a free animal, and make it your own, to domesticate it and beat it into submission. They’re free, why take it as your own when you already have so many? Because you are threatened by it’s freedom. That’s it.
Obviously I need to stop talking about horses and unicorns and freedom. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why my brain just keeps taking it back there. I’ll never really understand these things I suppose. I don’t have pets to train or anything. I’m just being irrational. I am okay. I just want to get to the other side. But I’ll be fine Mr. Stark. I just need my brain to cooperate with my head. That didn’t make any sense, but I’m sure you understand. A nap should help me work through the things I’ve done. Naps are nice, it feels like I haven’t slept in a week.
Please keep my memories, Peter Parker.