Please don't take my sunshine away
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."
The world outside the four walls of the small room was dark and quiet as Peter lay in his bed and stared out the window quietly, surrounded by a hollowing silence that was slowly eating him alive. At night, anyone else would have preferred the very silence Peter found himself in, in the hopes of getting a peaceful sleep full of dreams.
But that wasn't the case for him. Because when your entire life falls victim to a painful silence, ignorance and avoidance from the people you thought, and still think in some way love you, you would learn to hate the silence too.
Peter was in denial, he didn't want to believe it. Or maybe he was just overthinking, he wished he was. He let himself curl up further inside the soft blanket around him and brought the crumpled tshirt, previously clutched tightly to his chest, upto his face. He closed his eyes and buried his nose in the cloth, taking in the familiar scent of love and warmth and bringing fresh tears inside his closed eyes and heartwarming memories inside his heart.
The shirt was old and the bright blue colour and the magnificent designs it used to possess at some point had now faded over the past few unfortunate months to the point where it almost looked like a plain and dull tshirt that no one would want or prefer to wear. But Peter did, he always would.
The tshirt belonged to May, and apparently, it was the only belonging of hers that he was left with after she...passed away.
5 years ago, Thanos had snapped away half the population in the world. Peter had been snapped away from existence for five whole years before he had came back. For him, it had felt like seconds after he was brought back into existence, but for the unfortunate people who remained, they had to keep living, holding in themselves the painful and heavy weight of the memories of the people who used to be. May was one of the unfortunate ones.
3 months ago, Thanos had lost the battle when Captain Marvel had snapped and saved the entire world. 3 months ago, Mr. Stark had gotten Peter back and he had felt true happiness when Mr. Stark had hugged him because they were "finally there". 3 months ago, Peter thought that the battle was finally over and he could take a break he needed for a moment, and 3 months ago, Peter had witnessed his entire world shatter the very next moment when Mr. Stark had spilled the truth to him.
After Mourning Peter for four whole years, May died in a car accident. The worst part was, that they couldn't even take her to the hospital, because she died on impact. But it didn't really matter to Peter, because for him, May was still dead in the end. Just one year before he was back, just an year before they could have been the happy family together. She was gone, and Peter had felt so alone.
The accident had been caused by a drunk truck driver, who got away unharmed and was never arrested. Mr. Stark had told him that he had tried to find the drunk driver, but he couldn't and that he arranged a proper funeral for May, burying her next to his Uncle Ben. Peter was thankful for that but it still didn't make him feel any better that he hadn't been there for the funeral. He hadn't been there during the five years, so for him, it was just that May had been alive the day he decided to go to space to fight off Thanos, and dead the very next day, with all the funeral and everything already done. He couldn't even take one last look at her dead body. The last time he saw her, he was bidding her goodbye for a stupid school trip, when never once that the thought crossed his mind that it was going to be the last time he was seeing her. He remembered he had left in a hurry because he had gotten late. He didn't even hug or kiss her, just a small "see you soon." He didn't think he would never be seeing her again.
When Peter went back to his apartment, or his used to be old apartment, he found that it had already been purchased by some elderly couple who were now living there, and on further investigation he found that all his stuff, all the photos, all the memories attached to the only place he could have called home, was gone.
All their things had been destroyed and thrown away after the apartment was deemed empty after May's accident. That meant all of the memories of Peter and May dancing and laughing together while eating dinner, and all the memories of him playing with uncle Ben, and cooking with him, was carelessly thrown away into trash. For others those things could have been just trash, but for Peter, they were his life.
Everything was gone, all except for one of May's old shirts, tucked far away in an empty cupboard that he found when he somehow convinced the elderly couple to let him have one last look at the house. The house that he used call home.
And that was how Tony ended up taking Peter in. Apparently, Peter found out as he moved in with Tony, that he now lived in a lake house instead of a compound and he had an actual family. It had been difficult to adjust, especially since Tony had his own daughter. Her name was Morgan, and by their first meet, Peter was sure the girl didn't like him at all. The day Tony had brought Peter with him to the lake house, and told Morgan that Peter was going to be a part of their family now, she had instantly thrown a tantrum.
"Daddy, why does he have to stay with us?" She had said, right in front of where Peter was standing, with her nose scrunched in annoyance.
"Family isn't always blood baby." Tony had said as he had kneeled down next to her, ever so softly and Peter had wondered if that was the same man he had known before. It didn't help that he felt a slight tint of jealousy rise in his heart.
"Peter is a part of our family now baby. Aren't you happy you have a big brother now?"
The moment those words had left Tony's mouth, Peter had thought that maybe his life wasn't going to suck afterall, that there will be a day where he could actually be called Tony's son and he would speak to him the way he was talking to Morgan, but the happiness and warmth Peter had felt surging through his heart at the words were abruptly taken away from him as Morgan suddenly snapped out.
"Noo! He's not my brother, he's never going to be my brother! I hate him." She had screamed before she had ran upstairs into her room, ignoring Mr. Starks and Pepper's immediate scolding.
Pepper had apologized to him after that on Morgan's behalf, and Peter pretended it didn't bother him as he put on a smiling face. It had hurt, to be rejected by Mr. Stark's daughter, but Tony had told him that it was because she was just a 5 year old kid and that she would come around soon. He hoped she would. He really wanted her to like him.
She didn't.
But it wasn't something he was much affected by, that was, until a month ago.
Earlier, for the complete two months, Tony had always been there for him when Peter was recovering from May's death. They would watch movies curled up together on the couch, and Tony would carry him to his room after he used to pass out on the couch itself out of exhaustion. There were moments he would feel himself being gently picked up and being carried, and Peter had always loved it. He had always been a physically affectionate person, seeking physical intimacy and hugs and cuddles whenever he could, and so even if he was awake, he would pretend he wasn't so that Tony would have to carry him to his bed. He would kiss him on his forehead softly as he tucked the blanket around his body tightly, before wishing him a good night. Those were the nights when Peter really slept and dreamed and woke up happy and smiling. Those were the days when Peter had felt like he was living and not just surviving.
Tony and Peter used to do a lot of stuff together, and a lot of times out of it was all the avengers hanging out together. Especially after the trauma everyone had went through, the time together helped them all heal mentally. During those times especially Peter had developed a very close bond with all of the avengers, but mostly Natasha. She wasn't the scary avengers Peter had thought she was, and the nights when she held him as he broke down and cried remembering May or Uncle Ben or from the traumatizing memories of the battle had been a clear proof of that.
Those two months, even with May still being a painful memory in his heart, life hadn't felt so bad because he had so many people by his side who loved him, and Pepper and Tony made him feel loved, like he really mattered to them. But then just a month ago, everything changed. It was like a switch was flipped and everyone just got..tired of him.
All the avengers stopped coming to the lake house, apparently everyone got busy in their own lives as Mr. Stark had told him. But what really hurt him was the ignorance, not by Morgan or even Pepper, but from Tony. Slowly, the lab days together had turned into Tony spending time and playing with Morgan. Movie nights changed into feeding and singing lullabies to Morgan. Tony wouldn't even come to wish him a good night anymore. Even though Peter knew he was old enough to not require a grown man tucking him into bed every night, but he missed the loving feeling of Tony smiling at him like he was one of the greatest things in his life.
Tony never once smiled at him anymore. It was always maybe a frown, or a neutral expression on his face, but whenever he was with Morgan, he would be laughing and smiling like he was the happiest person when with her.
Initially it hadn't been that bad, Mr. Stark still talked to him over dinner or lunch or would drop him off to school, but slowly, even that stopped, and Peter just felt alone, and that's when the nightmares returned at full force. He couldn't sleep without dreaming of May's corpse hanging off of his ceiling or of Ben's body lying on the cold floor next to his bed, blood pouring out of the bullet hole in his chest as he screamed at Peter that it was all his fault that he died.
It should have been obvious, because Peter was pretty sure he was loud at times when he used to wake up screaming because of nightmares, but then he would wait and stare at the door which never opened and the comfort his heart yearned for never came. Mr. Stark never came but he never stopped hoping, he just kept making excuses for the man, it was a defense mechanism.
It was hard to stop the panic attacks on his own, and Peter was scared that one day, he wouldn't be able to breathe and suffocate to death, so he stopped sleeping. He kept his eyes peeled open until he would pass out because that was the only way he could sleep without being tormented by nightmares.
Faint sounds of sweet singing and lullabies filled Peter's ears as he laid on his bed. Mr Stark was singing to Morgan, just two rooms away from his. He was singing the lullaby, "You are my sunshine", and even though Peter was a 16 year old teen, he wished it was him Mr. Stark was singing to. He wished for Mr. Stark to tell him that he was his sunshine too. He tried to imagine that it was him he was singing to.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray"
(Now my skies are all grey, and you're still here but you won't make me happy anymore)
"You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away"
(I love you so much but I can never tell you. I look upto you as my father but I'm afraid to confess, because I'm scared you won't feel the same)
"You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between."
(When you hugged me at Titan, I really thought that you loved me, that no matter what happened, no matter who leaves, you would always stay for me)
"But now you've left me and love another;
You have shattered all of my dreams."
(Now I'm here all alone, because you've forgotten that I exist too. It feels like I'm invisible to you, and I wish you could see me suffering, because all my dreams have turned into nightmares)
Peter opened his eyes as a single tear ran out of his eyes and streamed down staining the soft bedsheet below him. Tony's voice was so loving and full of tenderness as he sang to Morgan, unlike the neutral and emotionless tone he used with him.
He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his nose deeper into the fabric held against his nose, breathing in the comforting scent and he but his lip to prevent the whimpers from slipping out of his mouth.
He missed May. He missed the way her soft fingers felt as she ran them through his curls gently. He missed the way she would hold him after a nightmare or a panic attack until he calmed down and fell asleep in her lap. He missed the way she loved and cared for him, he missed the hugs, he missed the soft and tender kisses on his forehead, he missed being comforted and feeling like he was cared for. He missed being seen and wanted.
A loud, dry sob escaped Peter's mouth out of control and his eyes snapped open as the sound of a door closing entered his ears.
Maybe Mr. Stark had heard him, and he was coming to see him. He couldn't help himself as a strong ray of hope arose inside his yearning heart when the loud thump of footsteps got closer and closer to his door.
Tony was going to come in an second. The door was going to open and Tony would come in and apologize for being so ignorant and would kiss him on the forehead and tell him how he loved him just like he did with Morgan. He would sing to him and tell him that he was his sunshine until he fell asleep and drifted into a dreamy sleep. A wide smile appeared on Peter's face as he let go of the cloth in his hands and sat up on the bed.
The footsteps got louder and louder and Peter kept staring at the door that would open at any second as his smile widened, but it never did. The door never opened, just like the other nights.
And just like the footsteps had grown louder, they slowly faded away and finally grew quiet. And suddenly, Peter was back in the haunting silence of his room again, all alone.
He kept sitting and staring at the door for a while as his smile disappeared and the expression on his face fell. Tears stormed out of his eyes again as small whimpers escaped his mouth and his heart broke with the previous hope that provided him some happiness. He collapsed back and curled up into himself, grabbing the shirt again and holding it close to his chest as he cried quietly to himself, biting his lip to not be loud again.
"I miss you May."
He closed his eyes and imagined Mr. Stark singing to him the way he was singing to Morgan just moments ago.
"In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me
When I awake my poor heart pains.
So when you come back and make me happy
I'll forgive you dear, I'll take all the blame.
(Please make me happy again, just come back to me. I'll even apologize for something I didn't even do, I'll keep making excuses for you.)
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
Please don't take my sunshine away."
"Dear God, please don't take my sunshine away." Peter quietly sobbed out and prayed to any heavenly power that could hear him.