RISE

Pain was all he felt as he opened his eyes. Tears were falling down his face. His screams were echoing inside the room as something sharp worked its way slowly inside his chest. He could feel blood so much blood against his skin. 

He couldn't breath.

The agony was unberable. He choked when a sudden laugh escaped along his screams what a fucking joke . His vision was blury, his tears not stopping. 

Someone was hovering above him (Rogers slamming his shield, again and again, against his chest).  

He knew this particular moment, it was engraved in his memory like a scar that will never fade from his skin. Strapped to a table, knife digging a hole inside his chest, blood dripping down and pain – so much of it.

Afganistan.

Open heart surgery.

No painkillers.

Yisen.

The Ten Rings.

Jerricho.

Tony wanted to chuckle – again – despite the horrible feeling coursing through his body. This was familiar. He could live with this.

He was alive. 

RISE

Yisen was here.

Tony didn't know what to do about that. The guilt, the fondness and sense of obligation that he felt last time weren't present. He felt detached. He didn't know why or maybe he did, Yisen was the beginning of his descent in hell after all.

His time with this man influenced many of the decisions he took back then. Decisions that he regretted. Decisions that got him killed. He didn't want to end up like that ever again.

Once upon a time, Tony craved to be a good man . 

Nothing good came out of it.

RISE

He was tired, thirsty and hungry. The arc reactor was a comforting weight inside his aching chest. He was walking, under the hot burning sun, in the desert while dragging Mark I behind him. He couldn’t leave it behind – not when he knew what would happen.

Yisen was dead and Tony … Tony didn't feel sorry. Tony didn't want to feel sorry.

His body was struggling terribly but he continued to walk because he knew Rhodey was coming.

Rhodey .. His Rhodey who ended up being paralized because of them . Because of Tony.

Tony felt conflicted about him. James Rhodes was his best friend. Had been his best friend for years. Tony loved him and he knew Rhodey loved him too. But Rhodey … Rhodey had betrayed Tony once. Rhodey had other priorities. He had a family, other friends, a career … Rhodey wasn't attached to Tony the way Tony was attached to him.

And Tony could have lived with that. But Rhodey – his bestfriend – had to go and steal from him. And as if it wasn't enough, he stood aside as Tony was chocked by Thor just after Jarvis death … and Jarvis

Tony ground his teeth but continued to walk.

He wouldn't let any of that happen. 

RISE

Tony fell down on his knees when the rescue arrived, head lolling.

“ Tony? Hey, Tony? ”

Rhodey was young and walking on his own two legs. Rhodey was falling and Tony couldn't catch him.

“Next time, you ride with me” his best friend says, eyes shinning and voice shaking, as he kneel beside him. 

Tony nods because his vocal cords were ruined from screaming too much – the thirst and heat didn't help.

“The – thing in” cough “in my chest” cough “no one touch it" He force himself to say before fainting.

RISE

He let the military doctors check him up because he knew he needed this. He couldn't put his health at risk – not anymore. Tony, however, doesn't let them touch the arc reactor – it would be so easy to just rip it out.

*

Tony chose to remain in the military hospital that night. He wasn't ready to face the world yet and he was still unsure how to react to this James Rhodes.

It gives him the time to, now, properly think about everything that has been happening.

He was in the past.

Steve Rogers killed him.

The Winter Soldier James Barnes killed his parents.

Steve knew and didn't tell him.

Natasha knew and didn't tell him. She betrayed him again.

And – 

Tony closed his eyes.

He should have known better. He really should have. 

He couldn’t let any of that happen. He wouldn’t let himself be vulnerable anymore. Not to them. Not to anyone.

Tony smiled.

RISE

Hate was a sentiment unfamiliar to him. Contrary to everyone's belief – Tony never hated his father. Anger was what he felt, so much anger. Tony couldn’t hate him Tony craved everything he had been willing to give.

He couldn’t even properly hate Obadiah.

Hate, Tony discover, is addictive. Hating someone was easy. And Tony hated Steve Rogers. He hated every single one of them .

Hating them warmed his cold heart. It stopped him from thinking about his own responsibility. If Captain America get to shit on his responsibilities, why would Tony acknowledge his own?

Tony loved hating them.

RISE

Seeing Pepper wasn't a pleasant experience. Tony loved her. But he also  surprisignly hated her. He hated that the woman he loved would in the future use his affection for her to control him.

He hated that he knew all along that they wouldn’t be good for each other.

He hated that she never tried to understand. 

So Tony kept his distance. He didn't need her anyway He didn't He didn't He didn’t. 

RISE

“Welcome home, sir”

For the first time since his return, Tony felt his entire body relax.

“J, I missed you baby boy” he said as tears started pouring from his eyes.

Out of everything Tony went through, losing Jarvis had been the hardest to survive from. Even being killed by Steve Rogers didn't compare.

Jarvis wasn't the avengers. He wasn't Rhodey nor Pepper. Jarvis won't – will never turn his back on Tony.

Tony needed Jarvis.

And Tony will burn the world to ashes before he was going to let anything take Jarvis from him again.