Sue could hear Johnny laughing from the next room.
"What's so funny?" She popped in.
Johnny was sprawled out on the couch, reading and laughing. He straightened up. "Oh, it's..."
Sue looked at the book. "A romance novel?'
The Stolen Sea Prince. It had a shirtless man on the cover, against a background of waves.
"It's all over the internet! This is hilarious! Check it out!" He held up the cover so she could get a better look.
The shirtless young man was wearing a green swimsuit, and a pair of gold bracelets. He had black hair, and, when Sue looked closer, pointed ears.
Sue put a hand to her mouth. "Namor?"
"Legally, no!" Johnny's grin was just about splitting his face. "He is Prince Nemesis, of the lost kingdom of Pacifica, deep in the heart of the sea."
"Let me guess, he goes to rescue the beautiful maiden?" Hopefully the maiden's name was not Susan, or Sue was going to find the author and have words with them.
Johnny shook his head. "He's pretty much constantly the one being rescued. There's a beautiful woman, who I think is going to rescue him eventually, but the book's taking its sweet time about it. Most of it's him being stalked by the evil Lord Downfall, who I'm pretty sure has a huge crush on him."
"Oh." Sue shook his head. "I don't see what's so funny."
"It's Lord Downfall! He proposed an alliance with Prince Nem, and when Nem rejected him, Lord Downfall summoned special enchanted fish that would basically stalk Nem just so Lord Downfall could sweep in and dramatically rescue him! And this bit!" Johnny pointed to the page. "Okay, so Lord Downfall has just rescued him from the evil wizard Sacor, and his idiot minion Todd."
"Todd?" Sue giggled.
"I haven't even gotten to the good bit! Anyway, Lord Downfall is all 'You are mine now! Lord Downfall does not tolerate rejection!', and then Nem passes out." Johnny took a deep breath and started reading. "Witness the mighty Prince Nemesis, a monarch pushed to the limit of beyond super-human endurance, forced to endure because of his royal honor, until at last both his strength and his honor fail him!" Johnny drew a breath. "And then, Lord Downfall! 'You are courageous, Nem, but no amount of courage can stand before total exhaustion! Yet he fought against impossible odds, not yielding once to the pain that wracked his flesh! A prince indeed!' Lord Downfall talks like this for half page, just going on and on about how amazingly mighty and brave the guy who just passed out in front of him is!"
Sue laughed. "It sounds pretty entertaining. So, Lord Downfall?"
Johnny shrugged. "Some guy who walks around in a suit of armor all of the time. He's supposed to have scars, but he won't let anyone see them. I've got a bet with Ben about whether Nem is going to go 'You're beautiful to me' at a dramatic moment, and save Lord Downfall with love."
"Armor? You mean Doom? Lord Downfall is based on Doom?"
"Yeah." Johnny went back to the book. "I want to see what Sarah, Queen of Storms, and her Elemental Knights can do."
—
Charles Kim, the unofficial American representative to Latveria, walked nervously into the throne room. "How may I help you, Baron von Doom?"
"I wish to protest this book." Doom held up a copy of The Stolen Sea Prince.
Kim coughed. He'd heard about that book. This was going to be an awkward conversation.
Still, at least he wasn't the representative to Atlantis.
"In this book," said Doom, "a character who is clearly based on Doom kidnaps the prince of the sea, confines him to the castle, woos him, and sexually assaults him. Your government allows this to be published?"
"Our government allows a vast array of things to be published," said Kim. "Our free speech laws are extremely broad, and a work like this falls under the category of parody."
"Doom did not sexually assault Namor!"
"Understood. However, the book presented a fictional character based on Doom and a fictional character based on Namor. And in the context of the book, I believe it was the romance novel trope of ravishment, which is intended to be more evocative of the fantasy of being overpowered than any sort of realistic sexual assault. It's a common feature of the genre."
"Doom did not kidnap and ravish Namor! Doom does not force himself on others!"
Kim nodded. "Understood." Doom had, of course, kidnapped Namor, confined him to the castle, and used his power as the only one with access to medicine to treat a life-threatening medical condition Namor had suffered to force Namor to obey him. It was all detailed in the diplomatic cables of the time.
Some of the Kissinger-era cables were weird.
"As this is clearly a work of fiction,” said Kim, “and not presenting itself as factual, there is no basis to prohibit it under American law. A similar book could be written with a character based on the President of the United States, and the government would have no authority to stop it.”
Doom growled.
Kim tried not to flinch.
Doom shook his head. “You have unreasonably broad free speech laws. I hope your country learns a more sensible system. You are dismissed.”
—
“Have you read this?” Foggy asked, holding a book.
Matt turned. “Foggy, how long have you known me?”
“Come on, I know you read print with your fingers.” Foggy shook his head. “Man, I can’t believe I used to get you Braille books for your birthday.”
Matt smiled. He treasured those books. Partially because he could reliably read them. There was enough variation in printing techniques that it was a coin toss whether a print book would be raised enough for him to read.
Mostly because Foggy got them.
“Anyway, it’s that new book, The Stolen Sea Prince, where the protagonist is basically Prince Namor of Atlantis. He gets kidnapped by basically Doom, and then he gets rescued by this mysterious outlaw hero, known as the Demon, who runs around in a black costume with a mask over his face. They start off arguing, but then the Demon kills Doom, and he and the prince flee through the woods, and make sweet, sweet love.”
“Yeah?” Matt wasn’t sure where Foggy was going with this.
“The Demon…he’s blind. Apparently he has special supernatural powers from demons that give him heightened senses, making him incredibly good at fighting.”
"Yeah?”
“Anything you want to tell me, Matt?”
“About what?”
“Well,” said Foggy, his voice dripping with smugness, “This is based on real historic events, because Doom did kidnap Namor.”
“Yes, but I didn’t rescue him.”
“How should I know? You didn't tell me everything about your black costume phases.”
Matt sighed. “It’s obviously the Shroud.”
“You’re sure?” Foggy’s mouth stretched out in a wide grin. “I mean when Namor hired us, you were pretty intense about trying to help him.”
“I was being a good lawyer!”
“And then you gushed about how noble and misunderstood he was.”
Matt shook his head. “I wasn’t gushing! He’s just..impressive!” Matt had been lying and compartmentalizing a lot back in those days. Seeing someone who was a misunderstood outcast refusing to play by the rules had generated some feelings.
“We got that letter from Atlantis talking about how you were a worthy foe and Namor wanted to ensure you that you had his respect and goodwill.”
Matt let his head flop down onto the desk. “I did not sleep with Namor!”
“Really?” Foggy was laughing now. “I figured that was why you were too shy to ask him to pay his bill.”
“I send the bill to the Embassy of Atlantis five different times!”
Foggy shook his head. “At least when the Thing broke our wall, he paid for it. You should ask the author for a sequel - the Demon gets Prince Nem to pay his bills.”
—
Sue flipped the page and let out an indignant huff. “I can’t believe this!”
“What is it?” Ben asked.
“This character is an insult!”
“The Storm Queen?” Johnny asked. “I thought you’d like her.”
“Not her! The wizard Ninereeds! He’s ninety, absent-minded, bumbling, and cowardly! I can’t believe this hack of a writer would portray Reed like this!”
Reed looked up. “The wizard is inspired by me?”
Johnny looked up. “I told you about this already.”
“Was I working? I tend to miss things when I’m working.”
Johnny looked at Sue. “Absent-minded is pretty accurate.”
Sue shook her head. “I wouldn’t mind if he was shown to be a bit…prone to focusing too hard on his work. I mean we all have some minor flaws. But Reed is a heroic, brilliant, handsome, courageous, noble, absent-minded world-saving genius!”
Reed looked up. “You really think I’m absent-minded?”
“A little absent-minded on occasion, darling” Sue held up the book. “And ninety? Reed is eight years older than me! You know who’s actually ninety years old? Namor!”
“Is he?” Johnny asked. He let out a low whistle. “Well-preserved.”
Ben laughed. “Yeah, Fishsticks is ancient. He’s older than Captain America, and old Spock-Ears wasn’t frozen for most of that time.”
“I can’t believe this hack writer! I have half a mind to give this woman a piece of my mind!”
“Cheer up, Sue,” said Johnny. “She’s going to have to deal with Namor after he finds out she wrote him as a fainting damsel-in-distress.”
—
Beth, the State Department’s Atlantis desk officer, took another call. “Yes, I’m aware of the book. No, I haven’t heard anything from the government of Atlantis. I will let you know the moment they communicate with us.”
Jack, from the Latveria desk looked over. “Prince Namor still hasn’t responded to the book?”
Beth shook her head.
“Lucky you. We’ve been getting all kinds of protests from Latveria. This author was not subtle.”
“Yeah. I guess Prince Nem comes off better in Atlantis?” Atlantis had different cultural standards around masculinity than Americans did, Beth knew. Prince Namor would not object to portrayals that showed him sleeping with multiple men. Atlanteans didn't really have the concept of sexual orientation, and men sleeping with men was not considered particularly unusual.
But Beth had expected to get a protest about all of the fainting and being rescued. It seemed like something that would set off, to use a phrase she had rigorously trained herself to never say out loud, a Namor tantrum.
Still, one of the truisms of the XO geographic bureau (Exotic/Other, for countries that didn't fit traditional geographic and political boundaries - mostly Atlantis and whatever independent nation the mutants were trying to make that week), was that no one understood Namor.
—
It was a rare day when Reed heard Sue use profanity. She'd trained herself in restraint from an early age, in order to set a good example for Johnny after they lost their mother. (It had worked, too, from what Reed was able to tell. Johnny had always been energetic and impulsive, but he was good at keeping his language family friendly enough to avoid awkward media incidents.)
So when Reed heard her shout a profanity, and then the sound of an object being thrown, he ran into the room.
Sue was storming out of the room.
"I wouldn't follow her," said Johnny. "I think she needs to blow off some steam."
"What was this about?" Reed asked. He extended his arm and picked up the book. "I've never seen her respond that strongly to a work of fiction."
"Yeah, I was surprised too. I mean I knew she wasn't going to like the ending." Johnny looked at Reed. "Spoilers okay?"
"That shouldn't be a problem."
"The wizard Ninereeds turned traitor, and while Lord Downfall was simply banished, Ninereeds was killed off by the Storm Queen herself. And then she married Prince Nemesis and the other Elemental Knights, the brash but courageous Firebird and the stalwart Stone Warrior pledged eternal loyalty to Prince Nemesis. It was kind of a let down. If they'd cut out the ravishment scene, the whole thing would have worked better with Prince Nem and Lord Downfall ending up together."
Reed began flipping through the book. "I can understand why she'd dislike it, but it seems like a bit of an overreaction."
Johnny nodded. "She said she was going to have a word with Namor. If I didn't think she'd calm down on her own, I'd go have a word with her. If Sue took the book this badly, I don't want to imagine how Fishsticks will react."
Reed glanced at the cover, and then turned to the "about the author" blurb on the back. "I don't think he'll have a problem with it."
He shook his head. Sometimes it seemed like being one of the most intelligent people in the world was as much about not making the obvious assumption as it was about any other intellectual ability. Other people must have noticed the author's name and then disregarded it.
Reed has learned not to disregard any information.
"In fact," said Reed, "I'm confident that Namor is fully aware of the book's contents and has no objection to any of it. And that Sue's response will be wholly proportionate and deserved."
He looked down at the cover. The Stolen Sea Prince, by McKenzie Rex.
No wonder she'd thrown the book.
—
Namor hadn't been sure what to expect when Susan finished the book. He'd had some pleasant fantasies of Sue running into his arms, saying, "I see it now! It's you, my prince! It's always been you!" More realistically, he'd been hoping to spark an intrigued conversation where he could further charm her and show her his advantages compared to the man she'd chosen.
He had not expected to be pushed up against the wall with a force field, an angry finger in his face, while Susan shouted at him.
"Susan," he said, in his most placating tone.
"Not until I'm finished!" she snapped. "Reed is the man I love! He is my husband! And if you care about me at all, or value me as a friend, you will respect that, and you will never again embarrass me like that or insult me and my loved ones in any way, shape, or form!" She released the force field and stepped back. "Now what do you have to say for yourself?"
"I am sorry." Namor looked down. "I let myself be overcome by your beauty, your strength, and your charm."
Sue glared.
Namor rapidly changed tactics. "I was disrespectful. I will not repeat the behavior. I do value you as a friend. I do not understand why Richards is the man you have chosen..." He caught Sue's glare and put up a placating hand. "However he is the man you have chosen, and I will have faith in your judgment. I will instruct my people to withdraw it from publication." He put a hand on hers. "Susan, do you forgive me?"
"Almost," she said. "There's one more thing."
"Anything."
Susan smiled. "After Victor promised not to respond with actual violence, I told him where to find you. He also wants to have words with you." She tossed her hair back over her shoulder and headed towards the Fantasticar. "Once he’s done shouting, I will probably be up for forgiving you."