Tony was working on his suit in the lab at god knows why in the morning. Actually. He knows why. Peter was still out doing his patrol and he worries, okay? He had meetings tomorrow and won’t have enough time to finish his suit in case he was needed in another world crisis. Yeah. Superhero things. Totally not things that a dad mentor worries about. Nuh-uh. He was definitely not checking Peter’s vitals every 5 minutes.
Hopefully, the suit he gave him two days ago would protect him from most of the dangers that he possibly – probably – will run into. Tony snorts as he remembers how the kid practically professed his undying love for his new suit. Well, he supposed he would do that too if he were given a bulletproof, slash-proof, waterproof suit that was fully equipped with brand new web shooters and other stuff he probably wouldn’t need. Like the many, many, protocols that he implemented into KAREN just for his own peace of mind.
He’s been spacing out for the past few minutes just thinking about what that kid could possibly get up to. What if he ran into another bombing? Terrorists? Or got distracted by another dog? The kid trended on twitter last week because he got distracted by a dog and fell while he was 1000000 feet in the air. Ok, that fall was a bit of an exaggeration. It was maybe 100 feet but that's still 100 feet too high to fall from! Seriously. That kid could meet the devil himself and still say hello. Which actually isn’t that big of a surprise, now that he thinks about it. That kid is the definition of sunshine and rainbows; a true spider-baby.
A ding sounds out across the entirety of the lab which alerts Tony to Peter being attacked. Ah, the know-if-the-kid-gets-hurt-because-he-never-tells-me protocol. A true stroke of genius. Which. Right now, he kind of but doesn’t really regret. He has heart problems, you know! Peter getting stabbed would probably make him go into cardiac arrest. God, he was going soft.
“Sir, you have an incoming phone call from Peter. Would you like to answer it?”
“Sure, Fri. Patch me through.”
Immediately, Peter’s voice rang across the lab. “HEY, MR. STark!” Was Peter actually calling him while he was crime-fighting? This kid will be the death of him.
“Peter, I swear to god. Why are you calling me while you are fighting whoever you’re fighting? I just checked your vitals and you’re not hurt so wanna explain that to me kid?”
“Mr. Stark! I know I shouldn’t call you while I’m fighting cause its really disrespectful to the robbers I’m fighting right now. I don’t know their names so I can’t tell you but I named them.”
“Peter, you’re not their parents. Don’t give them names."
“Yeah but you do that all the time!"
"Kid, this is the type of thing that is do as I say, not as I do. Don't do anything that I would do, and don't do anything I wouldn't do. There's a litt-"
"A little gray area. Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time. Besides, how would I address them if I don’t name them? Well, I guess I could ask but they’re kiiiinda preoccupied. Which! Is why I’m calling! Mr. Stark! When you said my suit was like bullet proof a couple days ago, I thought you meant like bullet proof as in bullet as in one, singular bullet. But like –“
What. What is he talking about? Was he shot? How did he know this? Peter? What the fuck? Is he okay? This. Kid. Seriously. He’s giving Tony's gray hairs some gray hairs of their own. “Peter, how do you even know that its bulletproof? Kid, are you hurt?”
“Oh! I GOT SHOT! Woops – lucas almost stabbed me just now. Easy bud. We’re all just trying to – Ouch! That’s rude! – get along.”
“Kid, why are you saying that you got shot with what sounds like a big dopey grin. No. Nuh-uh. Tell me you aren’t happy about getting shot. Pete. Peter piper. Petey pie. Pete-ri dish. My idiot intern and mentee. Tell me I heard that wrong. I have heart problems, you know!”
“Anyways! As I was saying, I GOT SHOT! It was really scary at first when they like open fired in here but then the suit?? Didn’t?? get destroyed?? Which is really cool. How did you do that, Mr. Stark? Did you put in Vibranium? Because. If you did, that’s like up there with all my dream goals, you know? Its right beside giving a PSA to Captain America and having a metal arm – which I know wouldn’t be really cool cause you would have to lose your original arm to get a metal arm but come on! Have you SEEN Mr. Barnes, Bucky, the Winter Soldier? I want that.”
“Kid, please tell me you don’t want your arm cut off. I am about to lose my shit, Pete. You gotta work with me here.”
“Yeah, yeah. I won’t cut off my arm. BUT! The suit! Its actually bulletproof! As I was saying, I thought you meant – hey! Stop trying to stab me, dude! – bulletproof as in one bullet and the rest may or may not go through you and kill you. But like, its bulletproof. As in, bullets with an s. As in, I got shot by at least 7 bullets and they just. Went somewhere else. Slide right off. Nada. Gone. Home run. Mr. Stark, you made my suit bulletsproof. As in multiple bullets. That is so cool!”
“Kid, when you get back home, we are going to have a very – and I mean veeeery – long talk about self-preservation and common sense. Do you know what that is, Pete? Common Sense? It means you don’t jump in front of bullets and hope for the best! I am calling May about this.”
“Oh come on, Mr Stark! It just hit my suit then went somewhere else! My suit is bulletsproof. As in, I’m not hurt! This suit is so cool. Just wanted to let you know! Anyways, gotta finish up this fight so I gotta go! Bye, Mr. Stark!”
He ended the call. Did he just. hang up? on Tony? Like he didn’t actually just call him to tell him about how happy he is that he got shot. As in. with a gun. Complete with the dopey grin. God, Tony thinks, is an asshole. Was this his way of getting him back for all those times he forgot to pray before bed as a kid or that one time he smuggled chocolate from Jarvis? Because, damn. This is true karma at its finest. Pure retribution. He needed to call May. And sit down. Yeah. He should probably sit down. And think of more protocols because if his one stroke of genius did not alert him to Peter getting shot by multiple bullets then what was the point? Maybe he could call it peter-is-an-idiot protocol. Yeah. He’ll do that. Later. When he wasn’t feeling like he was going into cardiac arrest. This kid will seriously be the death of him. Though, Tony guesses, he doesn’t really mind. Maybe, he's been up too long. Yeah. He's sleep deprived, not soft. He's totally going soft but he's not going to say that out loud. Tony decides that its time to go to bed.