Clean
It was the best night's sleep Bailey had gotten in a long while. She fell into a deep sleep with Grandma Josie comforting her just like she did when she was younger. On Saturday nights when Nancy worked the late shift at the diner, Grandma Josie would turn her living room into the ultimate slumber party with pillow forts, popcorn, cheesy films, and then they would finish the night by reading a story in her bed.
Bailey was awoken by the nurses doing the 6am checks. They did come to see if Bailey was ready to leave, allowing her to stay a little longer after visiting hours, but seeing them asleep together broke their hearts. They didn't want to send her home after seeing the two of them embracing so, Bailey's face was still wet from tears, and Josie looked so peaceful. The hospital staff knew the little time she had left with her grandmother and that it was so precious to Bailey with Josie being the only family she had left.
Bailey stretched to wake up her body and put her shoes back on. She gave her Grandma, who was still fast asleep, a kiss on the forehead before thanking the nurses and heading home to get ready for work. Even though last night was lovely, and it probably being the last time they were ever going to share a bed together, Bailey was still struggling to process the emotions that came hand in hand with the inevitable.
Bailey waiting for the subway to take her home, she was shocked at how busy it was for this time of day. There were a lot of business-people heading to work but almost equally the same amount of drunk and homeless people. There were a couple of women sat on a bench not too far away laughing at one another, only just on their way home from their night out. Their make up a little smeared, their hair needing a quick brush, all the signs of a good night out. You get it all at all hours of the day in New York City. It had been a long time since Bailey had a good night out herself.
She texted Patsy:
Fancying going to a bar tonight? I could do with a good drink. Xx
Patsy:
You're up early, it's 6:25am! Aaaaand you're already thinking about drinking?! You must need it. I'll be there xx
Bailey:
Done deal. I'll take a change of clothes to work and we can go from there. Xx
Patsy:
Early start. I like that. See you in a bit xx
Bailey reached into her pocket to bin the receipt from the biscuits and coffee she bought the night staff and tossed it into the bin. She jumped at the movement beside it, but soon realised it was just a homeless woman wrapped in a couple of blankets. Bailey reached into her other pocket and found a few notes and change. With a smile on her face, she approached the woman on the other side.
"Here, take this." Bailey held out her hand with the cash.
The face of the woman lit up as she leaned forward to take the money, "Thank you." She said.
Her bare feet poked out from under the blankets. Bailey gave a small gasp before getting an idea. Bailey leant onto the bin to steady herself as she took off her shoes. They were a pair of boots, only a slight heel. They were sturdy and practical and would most definitely keep her feet warm and dry.
"You look my size," She said.
The woman looked at her confused.
"Please, put these on." Bailey smiled as she held them out to her.
The woman was looking at her in disbelief, "Are you sure?"
Bailey was thankfully wearing thick black socks that would keep her feet from the filthy floor of the subway and New York's streets. There was no way she was going to walk barefoot in New York, she could stand on anything; glass, a needle, vomit, but she was also not going to let this woman do so either.
"Absolutely." She smiled as her train pulled up.
"Thank you so much."
Bailey gave her a polite wave as the train pulled up. She stepped on in just her socks and took her seat to head home. She received a few odd glances from fellow riders, but she ignored them. Bailey smiled to herself as she realised that she was now another pair of shoes down, Bucky still owed her a pair.
___
Bailey stood staring at her wardrobe in her towel. Any clothes suitable for work were either in the washing basket or in a folded pile on a chair in her room, these days she never had the time or energy to put her clothes back into her wardrobe after they are washed and dried. She was looking for something to wear for her evening with Patsy. She pushed back hanger after hanger, too old, too small, too big, too fancy, not fancy enough. Bailey could feel the anxiety building up in her chest. She was at the last hanger, and this was it; an old reliable.
She spent the rest of her early morning easing herself into the day. Bailey made herself a hearty, healthy breakfast, took the time to meditate, water her dying plants on the kitchen windowsill and then finally put away those clothes. Bailey carefully folded her dress into a large handbag, before packing her make up bag, straighteners, hairspray, perfume, and finally squeezing her heels down either side of the bag ready to take to work. She made herself a coffee and poured it into her reusable cup to take onto the subway. Bailey grabbed her standard handbag as well as her big one with her outfit change for later and headed to work.
This was the freshest and most alert Bailey had felt for work in a long time, she charmed her way through the reception giving the staff on the door a smile and the people behind the desk a wave. She spotted the lift opening and a flurry of people enter. She began to jog as best as she could with everything she was carrying. She had drunk enough of her coffee already so none would spill out of the small hole at the top as she jogged.
"Hold the lift please!" she called.
Someone inside pressed the button to hold the doors open. As Bailey hurried over, just before she stepped into the elevator, she saw Charlie stood at the front in the middle. He looked her in the eyes before coughing awkwardly and looking down to his feet as if he were embarrassed. She stopped dead in her tracks.
Bailey looked to the woman who was pressing the button in to keep the doors open, "Thank you, but I'll take the next one."
She looked back to Charlie to glare at him. He glanced up at her as she took the final mouthful of her coffee, not breaking her eye contact, and the doors closed. Bailey wasn't going to let him ruin her day.
Bailey hung up her jacket and pushed her bags into a locker. She was the first on the floor, this was the first time in a long time that she was first in. As time went on, the more she clashed with Director Michaels, the less she cared for her punctuation. Bailey made a point of being late for work by five to ten minutes every day just to get on his nerves.
She turned on the window into the complex, there was no sign of Bucky, he must have been asleep still. Bailey spied a bit of maintenance needed; just a few cups dotted around, unfolded blankets, and maybe the surfaces could do with a wipe down. She made her way inside to get started and give him just a small helping hand, after all she was in some kind of clean and cleansing phase.
As she dampened a cloth and sprayed the counters with some antibacterial cleaner, the door to the bathroom opened. Out stepped Bucky, with nothing but a towel tied around his waist. His broad chest was glistening in water droplets, his hair was soaking wet and pushed back completely off from his face. His face was clean shaven, for the first time since he arrived, showing off the extent of his incredibly sharp and chiselled jaw.
"Oh!" Bailey jumped, she faffed about with the spray and cloth, not knowing what to do or where to look. "I'm sorry, I thought you were asleep, I didn't know you were in the shower."
Bucky held onto where he tucked his towel in on itself to ensure it didn't come undone as he stood in the doorway.
"It's okay, what are you doing here so early?" He asked, unphased that he was practically naked in her presence.
"I was up early and so I got her early. I thought I could do a bit of a spring clean." She said as she looked at him.
Bailey's eyes wandered to his shoulder and the scars that surrounded his metal arm. She had never thought about it before but was shocked to see that it was obviously waterproof and somehow rust resistant, an odd thought to have had about Bucky and his arm. She was surprised she hadn't thought about this sooner, or even thought about him in the shower as a whole.
Bucky let go of the tucked towel, it stayed in place, and he moved his hand up to his shoulder. He rubbed it, but he was trying to subtly hide his scars. Bailey snapped out of it and felt rude for staring. She aggressively rubbed the surface in front of her which was already sparkling.
"Why don't you get dressed and meet me on the couch? I've got something planned for our session today." She said, but her voice came out strange, it sounded obviously put on in an attempt to hide how flustered she was.
Bailey felt like an idiot for suggesting that he should get dressed, like what else was he going to do? Bucky nodded and went into his bedroom. As soon as his door closed, she groaned and slowly leaned forward until her forehead was resting on the cool counter.
“God Bailey,” she said to herself.
___
Bucky emerged from his bedroom dressed and dry, his hair was back to those loose waves that shaded his face. Bailey was waiting for him on the sofa with her tablet on her knee and two drinks made on the coffee table for them. As he sat down, his fresh smell hit Bailey. Was he wearing aftershave? She thought.
"What's on the agenda today Doc?" He asked as he stretched his hands down his thighs as he took a seat.
"I want to go back to our first session, remember those questions I asked you? I said I'd return to them to a later date; I think now would be a good time." Bailey explained.
"Oh, um, yeah, sure." Bucky sounded a little uneasy.
"Shall I just go ahead?" She asked, and he nodded. Bailey tapped record on her device. "So, who are you?"
"I am James Buchanan Barnes." He said, not with confidence, but he was a lot more certain of who he was than before.
Bailey ticked off each question on her tablet as she went, "How do you currently feel?"
"Better." Bucky said simply and shrugged.
"What do you think you have achieved from these sessions?" Bailey asked, she crossed her legs and sat back to look at him better.
There was little hesitation between the questions and Bucky's answers, "I have a more refined idea of who I am."
"What is standing in your way from achieving more?"
He spoke slower, and therefore deeper, "The other half of my mind that is still controlled."
The next question was trivial, this was something that was Bailey's responsibility, but she was interested to see how Bucky would respond. "How will you overcome this?"
"Errr," He rubbed the back of his head as he took a moment to think, "By believing in myself," he said but it sounded more like a question than a statement before giving a more solid answer, "and continuing to believe in you and your work."
"What do you regret?"
Bucky leaned forward and linked his fingers, he looked at them as he spoke, "Everything I ever did as The Winter Soldier."
The next couple of questions were lighter, "What do you look forward to?"
"Having that other half of my mind as mine again." He said still looking down.
Bailey altered the questions slightly, "What do you want to do once your mind is yours?"
This one made Bucky look up, "I know normal isn't an option for me, but I'd like to live as normal as possible. Maybe travel and see more of the world." Bucky smiled, "I think it would be nice to find that beach we went to," he regretted saying this as soon as he did, feeling like he might have crossed a line and quickly added, "or something like that."
Bailey smiled too before continuing, "What do you dislike about yourself?"
He sighed, "Not being able to fully trust myself, it's that other half that is out of my control still, because I am still a risk to those around me." He took a moment before continuing, "I'm a trained killer, to the point where it is almost an instinct, I don't just dislike that part about me, I completely and absolutely hate it."
Bailey found it hard to hear this sort of thing, and not responded to it, to console him and explain the psychology of it all, but this was how she was supposed to conduct the questions, she continued, "What do you like about yourself?"
"Erm, this is still a difficult one still, I know I didn't give you anything before, but, um, I guess I like how I'm more open than I was. I can now see the other side, it's still far away in the distance, but it's there."
She smiled, "That's so good to hear Bucky. What do you not enjoy doing?"
"The obviously really, being in here 24/7, like not having the ability to take a walk or go for a drink when things are getting to me." Bailey nodded along as he spoke.
"What do you like doing?"
Bucky visible relaxed, whether it was because he knew this was the last question or that this was a question he liked and had a good answer for.
"I like hanging out with Steve and talking to you. I like to listen to music, to read in the morning and watch movies on a night, and I'll watch anything with Jack Nicholson. I just can't wait to do this sort of thing without it being watched and recorded and reported on."
Bailey smiled, she knew already without writing up her findings and comparing the sessions that Bucky's answers differed and would show so much growth in him.
"Thank you for your answers, Bucky."
"The pleasure's all mine." He smiled back.