I KNOW YOU FUCKING SAW THAT!
“Isaac, I really think you should let it go,” Kenny warned.
“I think you should call me by my government name,” Ike retorted, not moving from his position hunched over the coffee machine, carefully poking around.
“I’m gonna be honest, if you can manage to get me stronger coffee, I’m not strong enough to tell you to stop,” Tweek chimed in lamely from his spot, leaning comfortably on the doorframe.
Tweek looks.
He jumped slightly, thumbnail finding its way between his teeth.
“I almost–” there was a small hissing noise. “Oh fuck!” he got out with a quiet panic. He slapped the contraption across the room.
“Ike, what the–!”
A loud pop and spark captured the trio’s attention before the tiniest of explosions rang out.
“GUYS, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!” Trent yelled from behind them.
Tweek jumped.
The three spun around. “Uh. Seems I exploded the coffee maker,” Ike responded, trying to hold in a laugh.
Trent rolled his eyes, letting out an aggravated huff. “Clean up your shit.”
—
“Morning everyone,” Wendy said quietly, brows furrowed together, eyes focused on Brimmy rather than the entirety of the small group in front of her. “Trent, start us off.”
“Trent Boyett,”
“Ike Broflovski.”
“Kyle Broflovski,” the short man chimed in from her left.
“Rebecca C-” She frowned. “Cotswolds.”
“Christophe DeLorne,” he said, eyes remaining on Kyle.
“Clyde Donovan,” the brunette muttered, not looking up from his hands.
Damien nudged Brimmy, prompting him to look up with teary eyes. “Brimmy Fallon,” he added quietly.
“Stan Marsh.”
Kenny cleared his throat, distracting from the sniffle that came from another part of the group. “Kenny McCormick.”
Dovakien Soma gives Wendy a nod of acknowledgement, continuing with their eternal vow of silence.
“Bebe Stevens.”
“Kevin Stoley.”
“Marjorine Stotch,” she said brightly, unbothered by whatever was afflicting a good half of her coworkers.
“Wendy Testaburger.”
Damien jumped slightly, whipping his head towards his boss when she spoke. “Shit-um. Damien Thorne.”
“Craig Tucker.”
Tweek’s shoulders shook slightly, almost like a hiccup. “Tweek Tweak.”
The front door flew open with the sound of an airhorn. “GOOD FUCKING MORNING!!!”
Wendy shot her a glare.
Tammy frowned slightly, but quickly picked herself back up. “Tammy Warner!”
Wendy offered her a weak smile. “Great. Damien. Brimmy. My office today.”
“Course,” Damien responded, taking Brimmy’s hand and pulling him out of the room before he could even react.
Kyle sighed quietly as he pulled his long coils into a lazy ponytail. “Okay, let’s get to it then!”
—
Clyde bursted into the Media office, the door smacking against the wall. Bebe jumped slightly. “Fucking–”
“Hi Clyde,” Marjorine drawled, not looking up from her phone, draped across Bebe’s desk as she always was.
Clyde looked at their ‘vision board’ before looking back at Bebe. “We need to talk!”
Marjorine sat up, shooting Clyde a sly smile. “You have fun with that. I gotta talk to boss.”
“But Marjieeeeee,” Clyde whined. “I need you too! And she’s busy!”
“Kyle,” Marjorine elaborated.
He tensed up slightly. “You need to talk to Kyle?”
She waved a hand dismissively as her perfectly polished mary janes touched the ground. “No big deal. Just got some logistics to go over.”
“Uh… Okay.”
She spun around, leaning across Bebe’s desk to give her a quick kiss. “Have fun being a duo today,” she whispered before spinning back around. “Behave,” she instructed playfully before taking her leave.
He nodded, walking past Bebe’s desk and straight towards the wall behind it, focusing on the tiny whiteboard. “This thing is so morbid,” he noted.
“It’s our vision board!” Bebe defended as she spun around in her chair.
“All it says is ‘Don’t die today.’”
“It’s a good goal to have,” she responded simply.
He let out a shaky exhale, spinning around, and offering her a weak smile. “So then we won’t die today.”
She smiled. “Good!”
“But I have to talk to you about something.”
“Okay, hon. Talk to me.”
—
Kenny was trying the direct approach today. Christophe was frantically typing away, despite looking relaxed as ever with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. But Kenny knew he was absolutely in the zone. He walked up to the front of his desk, leaning over slightly before fully just hanging his head over the monitor. Christophe continued to type for a moment, actually letting Kenny see what was going on.
J'écris ces pour faire face, plus que tout. Je sais que tu as tes propres lettres. Parfois, je me demande si tu m'écris à ta manière. Mais je ne demanderais jamais. J'ai trop peur pour essayer de comprendre ce que cela signifierait. Tu fais de moi un lâche.
After a moment, Kenny spoke up. “I’m nosy,” he commented.
Christophe sighed, sliding back his chair slightly, the wheels quietly whirring. He tilted his head back, small plume of smoke shooting upwards. “I’m a coward, I think.”
Kenny laughed, eyes glimmering with recognition. “Aren’t we all?”
—
“I’m telling you, there’s a ghost,” Clyde whispered.
“Clyde, be serious,” Bebe complained as she followed him into the breakroom.
“I am being serious!” he cried. The light flickered, prompting him to jump towards her with a scream. She grabbed onto him, a tiny yelp escaping the blonde. They looked at each other before giggles started to bubble out.
She took a small step back. “It’s the ghost of the coffee maker. Ike killed him and now he wants vegance,” she declared.
“Bebe, that’s stupid!”
“You’re stupid!”
“Nuh uh! There’s an actual ghost here!”
“And an actual 'fraidy cat!” she teased.
He gasped with exaggerated offense, placing a hand on his chest. “I resent that! Also, why would he want vengeance on me?! I didn’t even do anything!!!”
“Guilty by association.”
“What??”
“You and Kenny just started dating and Kenny and Ike are buds. Also you and Ike are kinda buds. And I think Tweek was here to make it worse. So it makes sense that the ghost is coming after the loved ones of the people who killed him. He’s just starting with you because they all enjoy you to some degree.”
“You’re just trying to scare me! Coffee makers aren’t even scary, dumb ho!”
Bebe rolled her eyes. “I’m telling you. No one’s died here but the coffee maker. You’re dumb if you think the ghost is anyone but the coffee maker.”
He swatted at her arm hopelessly. “You’re not funny, Bebe!”
A sputtered laugh escaped her. “I’m kinda funny.”
—
“I’m telling him.” Stan paused outside of Kyle’s office, hearing the venom in his manager’s tone. Tammy was somewhere, so he was left to his own devices by her desk.
“Can your boyfriend keep his mouth shut??”
“It doesn’t matter!” he hissed. “I’m fucking telling him!” There was a pause between the two. Stan furrowed his brows slightly. “He’ll keep his mouth shut.”
“Thank you!” Marjorine chimed. “I’ll see ya later then, boss!”
“Always a pleasure, Marjorine,” he breathed out.
Stan took a deep breath before stepping towards the door, hand out to knock. The door opened and Marjorine looked at him with a bright smile. “Hiya Stanny! Here to see boss?”
“Uh. Yeah,” he responded awkwardly.
She tossed a look over her shoulder. “Stanny’s here for ya.”
“I can see that, Marj. Get back to work please,” he exasperated.
“Yessir!!”
Stan breathed out a laugh, slipping past her. Kyle’s frown escaped him completely when his eyes landed on Stan. His demeanor perked up entirely at the mere sight of him. “Hi, Stanley.”
“Hi,” he responded, flushing slightly. “How’s your day going?”
“It’s going,” he responded, leaning back slightly. “Did you need something?”
“Uh. No. I just had some downtime and wanted to see how you were doing.” His blush grew darker. “Sorry, is that weird?”
Kyle laughed as he leaned forward, resting his arms on his desk in front of him. “No. Come sit for a bit? It’s been dead all day.”
Stan shut the door behind him. “Okay, yeah.”
—
Brimmy sat at his desk in the finance office, head in his arms as Damien sat next to him, continuing to run a hand through his hair, quietly whispering something.
Damien looks up, narrowing his eyes. “Fuck off.”
—
Clyde slammed a ouija board on the break room table, causing Bebe who was sitting there to jump slightly. “Jesus, Clyde!”
He shot her a wild grin.
“Where did you even find that thing?”
“We are going to talk to this spirit and we are going to talk to it right now!”
“So no answer on the origin of the ouija board you managed to summon in ten minutes? Great.”
“Shut up! We’re doing a thing!”
She laughed quietly, shaking her head. “Okay. We’re doing a thing.”
Clyde sat down across from her. “You can’t take your hands off once we start.”
“I know.”
“You better not! If we get cursed because you got scared, I’m telling on you!”
“To who??”
“I don’t fucking know? Kyle??”
Giggles started to bubble out. “Put your hands on the planchette, Clyde.”
—
Stan was typing away at his computer when his eyes trailed back up. Rebecca’s chair slid to her left so she was planted right next to him. “Y’know, staring at him like a kicked puppy isn’t going to make him walk up to you, right?” she teased.
Stan looked at her with mild shock. “I always forget you can do that,” he muttered.
She shot him a playful smirk. “Go talk to him!!” she whisper-yelled.
“Like you talk to Christophe, huh?”
Her jaw dropped slightly before she swatted at his arm. “Don’t be rude!”
He laughed quietly, not so discreetly sending another look in Kyle’s direction.
“Go!!”
“And say what?!”
“Ask him out or something!!”
“What?? He’s our boss!”
Rebecca gave him an unimpressed look. Stan shot her a half-hearted glare. “Tweek?” she called out lamely.
Tweek’s chair rolled back and he appeared on Rebecca’s left. “Yes?”
“Where’s your boyfriend?”
Tweek made a face. “His office?”
“His manager office?”
His shoulders hiked up slightly, the movement erratic. No one acknowledged it. “Yes?? What?”
“Okay! Cool! Just checking!”
He laughed, shaking his head slightly. “Do you need something? I’m about to go see him.”
“Not a thing, thank you.” Tweek nodded before taking his leave. “You were saying?”
—
“It’s not moving!” Clyde whined.
Bebe laughed. “This is kinda like old times, huh?”
He looked up, offering her a gentle smile. “Yeah.” Their hands quickly slid all the way across the board, cutting off the peaceful moment. Clyde jumped, chair toppling, but his hands remained on the planchette. “I KNOW YOU FUCKING SAW THAT!!”
—
Stan stepped into the elevator with a yawn, ready for his break time excursion. As the doors were closing, a pale hand intercepted them. The doors opened once again, revealing Kyle and the gentle smile that appeared whenever Stan was around. “Hi.”
Stan ran a hand through his hair. “Hi.”
“You go out during your break?” Kyle asked curiously as he stepped inside.
“Yeah, sometimes. Do you?”
“Sometimes.”
“Wait, since when do you take your breaks at one?”
Kyle shrugged. “Usually I go a bit later, but with how quiet it’s been I felt like I was gonna die of boredom,” he admitted.
Stan laughed quietly. “That’s–
The elevator shook slightly before halting altogether. “What the hell?” Kyle muttered.
“Oh fuck,” Stan breathed out.
Kyle frowned, looking up at the small screen. “Hope you like spending your break in a box,” he said with a sigh.
Traces of panic made their way across Stan’s face. “You think we’re gonna be stuck in here the whole hour?”
Kyle pressed the emergency button before stepping closer, putting a gentle hand on Stan’s shoulder. “Don’t worry so much. You can have two breaks today.”
“That’s not–”
Kyle’s head tilted slightly as he gave Stan a reassuring smile. “Take a seat, I’ll talk to maintenance. We’ll be fine.”
—
“Is anyone here?” Clyde tried.
A loud buzz reverberated off the walls.
Clyde let out a scream. He gestured wildly at the room around him. “DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW?!”
“I told you I believed you. The ghost of the coffee maker is pissed because Ike killed it. He’s clearly out for blood.”
“BEBE, IT’S NOT FUNNY!” he cried.
Another loud buzz rang out.
Clyde yelped before glaring at her. “SEE! HE DOESN’T THINK IT’S FUNNY EITHER!”
—
Kyle and Stan sat next to each other against the back wall of the elevator, slightly leaned against each other as they stared at the door and waited for rescue.
“Is this the type of stuff they do to Ta-
—
Kyle and Stan sat next to each other against the back wall of the elevator, slightly leaned against each other as they stared at the door and waited for rescue. “Seriously!” Kyle continued with a laugh, features lit up. “He almost fell!”
Stan playfully rolled his eyes. “And let me guess? You caught him.”
“Course I did.”
Stan looked up at him with a small smile. “Then what happened?”
Kyle looked him over. “It escapes me,” he murmured.
“Really?”
Kyle nodded slightly in response, tensing up slightly at the realization of how close they were.
The elevator shook slightly before a quiet whir greeted the two. Stan made a face. “Oh wow.”
“Huh?”
“How long do you think it’s been?”
“Shit time to not have my phone on me,” Kyle responded with a laugh. “Definitely killed our breaks.”
Stan shrugged. “Wanna take an extra break?”
“Yeah. That sounds nice.”
—
It had been hours since Clyde’s investigation of the breakroom started. Bebe checked her watch. It was three already, so five hours to be exact. “Clyde, what exactly are we doing now?” she complained.
“It’s angry. So obviously we have to complete the task that’s keeping it here so it can move on or whatever!” The loud buzz sounded throughout the room again, prompting a yelp from the brunette. “SEE!”
Bebe put a hand over her mouth to cover up a laugh. “Do you think if we brew coffee, it’ll go away?”
“HOW WOULD YOU LIKE US TO DO THAT?! IKE, KENNY, AND TWEEK KILLED THE COFFEE MAKE—oh god fucking damn it. Can you stop it with that?!”
“No!”
“You’re actually so annoying! Take this seriously!”
“No??”
Clyde rolled his eyes.
“Take what seriously?” Craig questioned as he walked into the breakroom.
Clyde screamed, spinning around. The tension escaped him the moment he registered Craig was standing behind him and not some sort of demon. “THERE YOU ARE, CRAIGORY!” he yelled, running towards his manager with outstretched arms.
Craig caught him with a small ‘oof’ and an eye roll. “I’m telling HR.”
“We don’t have HR?? Also, look in the fucking mirror??”
Craig gently pushed Clyde off of him. “Shut up. What’s going on?”
“There’s a fucking ghost in your office and Bebe won’t take me seriously!”
“What??”
“TWEEK, KENNY, AND IKE KILLED THE COFFEE MAKER AND NOW WE’RE HAUNTED!”
Bebe broke down into laughter at the realization that she finally won.
“Oh, that’s great, princess,” Craig responded lamely. “What would you like me to do about this?”
“I DON’T KNOW! EXORCISE IT??”
“Why the fuck would I know how to exorcise a ghost?”
“Babe, did you find your phone?” Tweek asked as he trailed in. “Uh. What’s wrong with Clyde?”
“No,” Craig responded with a small frown. “Can you call it?” He gave Clyde a look. “Also, Clyde is throwing a tantrum because you killed the coffee maker and it’s out for blood.”
Tweek’s eyes narrowed at Clyde for a moment, lips curling up ever so slightly. “Funny. I’m calling you.”
The loud buzz sounded throughout the room again, causing Clyde to jump into Craig’s arms. It sounded again. “SEE!” Clyde yelled.
Tweek squinted at the pair before walking over to the fridge and opening it. “Babe, please tell me why your phone is in the fridge?” he sighed out.
“Did you put it in the fridge?” Craig asked.
“No?? Why would I put it in the fridge?” Tweek responded with bewilderment.
“FUCK YOU!” Clyde cried, cutting the two off when he realized Craig’s phone was the source of his terror. “I’m quitting!”
“You’re not allowed to quit,” Craig responded lamely.
“Oh. Right,” he chimed. “Still! Fuck you!”
Kyle walked in, excitedly saying something when his face fell slightly. “What are you guys doing?”
Clyde and Bebe looked at each other before looking back at Stan and Kyle who seemed like they were moments away from riding off into the sunset to elope and never return. “Ike, Tweek, and Kenny killed the coffee maker and now we’re exorcising its ghost,” Bebe explained. “But it turns out the ghost is just Craig’s phone, so nothing.”
“So what I’m hearing is you guys are all left with no more work for the day?” Kyle responded. He was met with some sort of agreement from the group in front of him. “So can we all go home early today? Does that sparkle with the group?”
“Since when do you get to declare if we go home early or not?” Craig asked curiously.
“That’s literally my job?” Kyle responded.
“Is it??” Clyde, Craig, Stan, Bebe, and Tweek asked in unison.
“I don’t know?? Do you want to challenge it and stay here an extra hour?”
“Nah, I’m good.” Craig grabbed Tweek by the hand, offering him a rare smile. “Night everyone.”
“Goodnight!!”