Chapter 5
Once Wanda calms down, she starts talking. Natasha doesn’t even have to force it.
The girl is limp and exhausted against her chest, head nestled in the crook of Nat’s neck as if she’s a little girl all over again.
“I wasn’t living with my boyfriend, Nat,” she says quietly, voice low and shaky. “He wasn’t my boyfriend.”
“I know, honey,” Natasha says lowly, and strokes her hair but doesn’t say anymore, waiting for Wanda to continue.
The girl draws in a shaky breath, her body thoroughly exhausted from all the crying. “He… they… they called it ‘the farm’. It was kinda like a big farm, I guess, with a lake and everything. And… there weren’t lots of people there, but enough. Mostly men. There were only a few other girls,” Wanda murmurs, distractedly twisting a little of Natasha’s hair around her finger. “They uh… I have big holes in my memory, Nat, but… I know they drugged us. They drugged us and… and they taught us new things, and it’s been really hard to unlearn them, Nat. And I know it’s… I know I’m supposed to be acting differently. I know I’m not supposed to be like that anymore, but… it’s really hard, Nat, it’s really hard.”
Natasha can hear the emotion returning to Wanda’s voice, and she starts stroking her hair again, making a soft hushing noise. “I know, little one. I’m not mad, it’s okay. No one’s mad,” she says, holding her close for a few moments longer, before pulling back to cup Wanda’s face and wipe the stray tear that has fallen. “I understand. You can’t… you can’t just unlearn things.”
Wanda seems to remember that yes Natasha does understand, because she suddenly gives a quick nod. “I... I think I was vulnerable, when I went to them. I’d just lost… I’d lost…” she trails off, swallowing harshly, and it hurts Natasha to see that she can’t even bring herself to say her brother’s name. “I wasn’t in a good place, and I think that made it easier for them. Because I... I learnt the rules quickly. And I felt safe at first. I felt safe until… until I didn’t. And they started doing things I didn’t like, but I couldn’t do anything about it, because… because I didn’t know what to do. And everyone kept telling me it was okay, and that’s… that’s what we do. I knew it wasn’t normal at first, but I couldn’t stop it, Nat. I couldn’t stop them, so I had to let them, because I didn’t know what else to do.”
Natasha watches the way Wanda’s eyes spill over with tears, but she doesn’t brush them away this time. She lets her talk.
“It was… the first time, I woke up and he… he was just inside me, and I was lying there, I didn’t know what was happening at first. I just knew it hurt. And then… then I started trying to move, but I barely could, and I knew that I was drugged and… and I couldn’t move,” Wanda’s voice cracks, and she looks down at her hands, a few more tears spilling over. “I was one of the more difficult ones, they said. Because I wouldn’t eat anything they gave me for the next few days, in case it was drugged, until they held me down and… and…” she sucks in a sharp breath of air, shaking her head as a tiny sob erupts from her lips. “They forced it down my throat and then they all… they all had a turn.”
Natasha is having to clench her fists really tight to stop herself from sobbing. Her insides are tensed you and twisted in anger and pain and outrage for her little girl. For the girl sitting in front of her, and for little sixteen year old Wanda, who had no idea what they were doing to her…
“I tried using my powers, Nat, but they… I don’t know. I don’t know,” Wanda shakes her head fast, more tears falling from her eyes, “They haven’t worked, Nat. I tried so fucking hard.”
“I know baby, I know you did, my brave girl,” Natasha murmurs softly, unable to help the single tear that spills over, reaching out to rub Wanda’s shoulders comfortingly, because she’s shaking incessantly. “I know you tried your hardest. You’re such a brave girl, Wanda, you always have been. It’s okay .”
Wanda swallows harshly, bobbing her head into a quick nod. “I... I had to give into it after a while. I had to, Nat. I stopped being able to tell the difference between the truth and what they told me. They told me you were all dead. They told me my family were all dead and that I could never come home, and I didn’t believe them at first, but eventually I couldn’t tell the difference anymore, because I knew… I knew that… I knew he was gone, Nat, and I thought that maybe you all were too. And…” she trails off, shaking intensifying a little. “They did things to me, and I stopped knowing what was wrong, and what was okay. That’s why I... I... I thought it was okay to… to come to you and Steve. I didn’t.. I didn’t know, I...”
Natasha nods quickly, brushing Wanda’s hair away from her face, eyes pained and empathetic. “I know, sweetheart. I know you didn’t.” She knows that her words probably don’t comfort Wanda that much at the moment, but she also knows there’s not much that can comfort someone in a state like this.
“I have holes. I have holes in my memory, I didn’t know it had been four years but I...” Wanda trails off, biting her lip and shaking her head. “I can't remember everything from before. I... I can’t remember everything, is that… is that the drugs? Did they take my memories?”
Natasha sighs softly, eventually reaching out to take Wanda’s hand carefully. “I’m not sure, honey, but I’d guess that it’s a combination of the drugs and your brain trying to protect you, by blocking out as many of the bad bits that it can,” Natasha says carefully, and after a long silence, she adds, “There’s a lot I can’t remember from the red room.”
Wanda looks almost surprised at that, probably because Nat never talks about it, but she gives a nod even so. “I... I haven’t forgotten anything about him, though, Nat. I remember him,” she says quietly, giving a fervent nod, as if trying to convince them both.
Pietro.
“Yeah?” Natasha strokes her hand carefully, nodding her head. “I do too, sweetheart. We can talk about him, if you ever want to. When you’re ready.” Natasha is careful not to mention Pietro’s name, because Wanda is yet to do that, and she has a feeling that could trigger another breakdown.
It was really hard to get over Pietro’s death along with Wanda’s disappearance. Nat was in bits for months, she spent about two weeks in her room, entirely vacant. The twins were hers. They really were. Everyone was distraught, but Nat was broken. Losing Pietro and not being allowed to help Wanda cope with it… it was a bad time. But even so, Natasha did her grieving. She still misses him, always will, but she has a feeling that Wanda hasn’t even processed her feelings about it.
That’s probably going to be something else they have to work through, because he was Wanda’s literal other half, and Natasha can tell from her avoidance of even mentioning him that she has a lot to work through when it comes to him.
“I... I thought maybe he might be here. When I got back,” Wanda says suddenly, quietly, voice low. “I didn’t know which bits of my memories were true and which weren’t. I thought… maybe he was still alive. Maybe I’d finally wake up from the nightmare that I’ve been living for the last five years.”
Hearing Wanda say those words is like a stab to the chest, and Natasha has to swallow the bile that rises in her throat. She fucking hates that she couldn’t protect her from all this. She hates that they — the goddamn Avengers — couldn’t protect their own little one from feeling this pain.
“Oh sweetheart,” Natasha closes her eyes momentarily, shaking her head a little. “I’m so sorry.”
Wanda simply offers a small, sad smile, squeezing Natasha’s hand in her own and blinking back her tears. “ I’m sorry, Nat. I’m sorry I’ve put you all through this. I promise I’ve been trying, but I... I don’t think it was enough. I’m sorry ,” she says, her eyes wide and earnestly sad.
“You have nothing to apologise for, Wanda,” Natasha says firmly, shifting forward a little more and gripping the girl’s shoulders gently. “I know that… I’ve not been as supportive as I could’ve been, and that’s on me. I... I didn’t want to admit that something could’ve happened to you, which was selfish. Because I can see now that you need… you need my help, right?”
Wanda looks shy for a moment before she gives a quick, small nod. “I-I... I do.”
“I know,” Natasha’s expression softens and she slips a hand into Wanda’s hair. “Thank you for being honest with me in everything you told me. You can trust me with anything ; if and when you decide you want to tell me anything else, I’ll be here to listen. And I’m so proud of you for being so brave and telling me. So, thank you.”
Wanda gives another small nod, eyes welling up again.
“And another thing…” Natasha hesitates and tips her head a little, “If you’re not sure about something, it’s okay to ask. If you don’t know if something’s okay or not. The same goes for if something is making you uncomfortable, or if you don’t know what you’re supposed to do… it’s okay to be different now, and it’s okay to let us know if you don’t like something, even if it’s something little. We all understand how triggers work, and everyone will do what they can to avoid yours, as long as you let us know what they are.”
They sit there for a little while longer, and then Natasha sits forward and gives a soft smile. “You wanna go have breakfast with everyone? Or just us and Steve?”
Wanda sucks in a deep breath and gives Nat a smile, wiping any residue tears away from her cheeks. “I think… I think with everyone,” she says.
Nat knows then that no matter how hard it’s going to be, no matter how much Wanda needs to heal… it’s going to be okay.