The letter is lying on the table. Ripped open, thrown back onto the surface after reading. Left behind. The back door is open and every other minute, the shield hitting a tree can be heard. She sighs, walks towards the door, leans against the door frame.
The shield hits the tree with an impact that leaves a mark. Strong arms pull it out of the tree, the heavy weight of it on his arm comforting.
„You should call him,“ Sharon says from where she’s leaning against the door frame.
„Now why the fuck would I do that?“ Sam asks before he swings the shield back to throw it against the tree with full force again.
„He left a week ago. You know how he can disappear for days or weeks. This is not some kindergarten fight, Sam. You’re supposed to work together. I know it’s been hart. Coming back, being left behind, having to carry the weight of the shield on your shoulders. It’s not fair. Never has been. But you don’t get to rest as long as there are people out there who could possibly become a really dangerous threat. Shadows from the past, dangers from the future. I don’t ask you to become his best friend, I have no idea why things escalated as much as they did between you two. I’m just asking you to call him because you need him. He needs you. The world needs both of you together.“
„You think he’s gonna pick up the phone? He wrote a letter like it’s 1940 again,“ Sam says. But he turns around to look at Sharon instead of getting the shield again. She counts that as a win.
„Maybe. You won’t know if you don’t try,“ she answers.
Bucky doesn’t pick up the phone. Sam’s call goes straight to voice mail. It’s not a surprise, not really. Sam still puts the shield away. His arms hurt from throwing and catching the shield for hours. He knows that Bucky is probably doing fine out there by himself. He’s a grown man after all and he’s been doing well for what he’s been through. He’s probably more used to being lonely than Sam is. Not that Sam’s lonely. It’s just hard, being alone after having Bucky around for months.
When he walks inside, Sharon is following him. He walks over to the coffee machine, looks at her.
„Coffee?“ he asks, exhausted.
„Sure, why not,“ she answers and sits down at the table. They’re silent, the only noise coming from the coffee machine. Sam’s leaning against the counter, waiting for the coffee to be done.
„Do you wanna talk about it?“ Sharon asks, her eyes going back and forth between Sam and the letter. Sam shakes his head. He doesn’t really know what there’s to talk about. Instead, he fills two mugs with coffee and brings them over to the table. He sets one down in front of Sharon and sits down.
„He left,“ he says after a while.
„Sure seems like it,“ Sharon answers, looking up from her coffee.
„We fought,“ Sam says, staring at the wall behind her head.
„I figured,“ Sharon says, leaning back in her chair.
„That’s all,“ Sam says, also leaning back, „we fought and-„
The alarm in his pocket goes off. Time to suit up is what it’s telling him. Sam lets his head fall back, closing his eyes. He sighs.
„You should probably go,“ Sharon points out.
„WE should go,“ Sam tells her, getting up from his chair.
„My alarm is not ringing, I’m staying,“ Sharon shoots back. They stare at each other for a long minute. The alarm keeps ringing.
„Fine,“ Sam says and walks outside. The shield is waiting for him like a heavy weight he doesn’t want to carry right now. Clipping his wings on, shield in hand, he walks back inside.
„You’re sure that you wanna stay behind?“ he asks. Sharon nods.
„Good luck,“ she says, „take care.“ He nods. Then he walks back outside, puts the shield onto his back and spreads the wings to fly away.
The chaos at the scene when he arrives makes him sigh again. There are three people shooting at someone, one turning to shoot at Sam instead.
„Should’ve finished my coffee before this,“ Sam thinks to himself before he dives down, dodging bullets while shooting back. He kicks the guy who’s still sending bullets his way into the chest and kicks his gun away. For a moment, he stares down at the guy, who’s not moving, knocked out cold. Then he looks up, just in time to block more bullets coming his way with his wings. When he knocks out the second guy, the third guy also falls to his feet. Sam turns around. And stares directly into Bucky’s face.
„I told you not to follow me,“ Bucky says, wiping away a smear of blood from his cheek. Under all the anger, Sam has the strong urge to wipe the rest of the blood away for Bucky.
„My alarm went off. You want me to ignore it?“ he bites back instead, not breaking eye contact with Bucky.
„I don’t care,“ Bucky simply says and turns to walk away.
„Barnes,“ Sam says, voice low and anger rising. Bucky keeps walking.
„Barnes,“ Sam says again, louder this time. But Bucky just keeps walking. Sam knows that Bucky can hear him. He just doesn’t want to.
„Bucky,“ Sam calls, watching the man walk further and further away from him. Again.
„Leave me alone, Wilson!“ Bucky calls back, not even turning his head to look.
When Sam comes home, he drops the shield and his wings by the door and walks past the kitchen into the living room. Sharon is nowhere to be seen. Sam lets himself fall face first onto the couch, closing his eyes.
He hates this. He doesn’t know how to fix this. He doesn’t know how to move on from where they are right now. He doesn’t know how to keep working with Bucky if this is how it’s going to be now. Working like this is putting both himself and Bucky in danger and he doesn’t want that but he also doesn’t know how to fix the situation.
Nick Fury calls him three minutes later. Yells into the phone about how him and Bucky need to work together because they’re heroes and the world expects them to work together. Sam listens, his face still pressed into the couch cushions. Fury doesn’t know what went down, so he also doesn’t have a solution for the situation other than „You both need to fix this shit, Wilson.“ Which isn’t really helpful. So Sam just says „Yes“ and „We’ll work on it“ and hopes that Fury will get tired of being mad at him over the phone. Maybe he’ll call Bucky instead.
Fury does get tired of yelling at Sam. When he hangs up, Sam throws his phone onto the armchair next to the couch and turns to stare at the ceiling. Seeing Bucky, even though it was for two minutes and not really the nicest way of meeting, made him realize how much he really misses having him around. His phone is laying on the armchair Bucky normally occupies. Sharon was sitting in Bucky’s spot at the table earlier today. Sam was drinking out of Bucky’s mug. The shield is resting next to Bucky’s shoes, the pair he doesn’t really wear but still keeps just because they’re his.
He misses hearing Bucky walk past his bedroom door to go to the kitchen because he can’t sleep even though he still hasn’t figured out how to talk to Bucky about it. He misses finding his used mug in the sink in the morning, knowing damn well that Bucky didn‘t wash the mug because he does get tired after drinking hot chocolate and walks back to his room quickly to catch that sleep. He misses yelling through the house that he’s gonna shower first and Bucky yelling back that he’s gonna kill Sam if he uses all of the hot water up again. He misses walking outside, finding Bucky staring into the distance, lost in his thoughts. Sitting next to him without saying anything. It’s peaceful, having Bucky around. They clashed before, yelling at each other and they’ll probably clash again. If they ever get to talk to each other again. It’s this moment, the silence and being alone that makes him realize how much he loves having Bucky around. How much he cares about the other man now. He doesn’t want them to break apart. He doesn’t want Bucky to become a colleague, to have him move out and only see him at work. He doesn’t want him to take his favorite mugs and his shoes and the fluffy blanket he claimed as soon as he saw it on the couch. Sam gets up. He walks to the kitchen table. The letter is still there, unmoved.
„Dear Sam,
I’m sorry but I can’t keep doing this. I’m leaving. I know that this is a coward thing to do, but I also can’t stay. I’m sorry for yelling at you on the plane. You know, back in the day, Steve used to tell me the same thing. That he had a plan and then he just jumped. It’s terrifying to see that part of him in you. He gave the shield to someone he knew would be worthy of it. I’m doing it again, aren’t I? Comparing you to Steve. I’m sorry.
You are so much more than Steve’s shadow. It’s not about replacing Steve. It’s about you becoming your very own version of Captain America. Having you call me Buck was still something that felt. Too soon? I don’t know. Maybe it’s stupid. It’s just a shorter version of the name I choose to go by. But so many memories connected to that name also connect to Steve.
Sam, I really am sorry. Living with you was the best thing that ever happened to me in this new world I never asked to be in and now I’m throwing it away because I can’t let go of the past and it’s affecting the relationship we’ve build.
You’re the best Cap the world could’ve asked for. You’re the best friend co-worker I could’ve asked for. And you have every right to be mad at me. I snapped first. You only snapped back.
And then I snapped again while we trained. That’s also on me. I think I was just still angry because you called me Buck and I went through a 1000 emotions and hadn’t calmed down. Which is not a reason to snap again, but I did. I’m sorry for saying what I said. I don’t wanna write it down for you to read over and over again. I just want you to know that none of it was true.
I should probably give you time to read this before I leave. Or say it to your face. But I can’t do that. I have too much to lose and if I’m being honest, I don’t want to face the reaction.
We’ll see each other again. On the field maybe. Or in the briefing room. Don’t follow me. You probably won’t be able to find me anyway.
Bucky“
It’s unfair, really. Because Sam gets it. Maybe not all the way, given that he hasn’t been friends with Steve as long as Bucky, but he has been friends with Steve. He’s been through things with Steve too. He gets the hurt Bucky is feeling. It’s not really an excuse to snap, but it’s been hard these past few months. Coming back to get thrown right into the superhero life while dealing with loss and the annoying man that Ross is hasn’t been easy.
Bucky is right, it’s not fair that he left before they could talk but Sam also knows that they wouldn’t have had an easy conversation if Bucky had told him all of this face to face. They’d both been angry. It probably would’ve turned out worse than it is now.
Later, when he’s already laying in bed, Sam can’t sleep. He misses Bucky walking in the hallway and the noise from the TV that was heard some nights before he decided to join Bucky in the living room.
He shows up to the briefing with Fury the next day with dark circles under his eyes. Sharon lifts an eyebrow at him but doesn’t say anything. Bucky doesn’t even look up. They make the briefing a quick one. Fury lets them leave early and Bucky is gone faster than Sam can look. Sharon puts a cup of tea down in front of Sam.
„I don’t drink tea,“ Sam says.
„Someone told me that you do when you’re tired. Helps you sleep and calm down,“ she answers, taking a seat next to him.
Sam looks down at the mug. It’s a plain white one, but the tea in it is his favorite. He wraps his hands around the mug and looks up to look at Sharon.
„So,“ she says, „do you wanna talk about this now?“
„I already told you yesterday that there’s nothing to say. We fought. That’s it,“ Sam tells her.
She nods.
„He said something different,“ she says.
Sam stills. So Bucky and Sharon talked.
„Did he now?“ he asks, carefully.
„Yes, he did, Sam. I’m not the one who’s fighting with either of you, I can talk to both of you, you know?“ she says.
„Right. Sorry,“ Sam answers. It’s not fair to put his frustration on Sharon.
„You should probably talk to him too. He isn’t doing much better than you,“ she tells him and gets up, „I’m leaving. Agent business.“
And she leaves Sam behind in the conference room. He finishes his tea. Bucky is probably staying somewhere in the compound, he realizes. He probably stocked up on cocoa powder, bought a new blanket und apparently bought Sam’s favorite tea. Because there‘s no reason for anyone else in the compound to keep this tea on the shelves. The realization makes him feel warm inside. Bucky cares after all. He knew that. He also knows that he should talk to Bucky. The thing is, the other man is a pro when it comes to avoiding people. In this case, Sam. He could go look for Bucky, but he isn’t sure if he’d even find him. Bucky can only be found if he wants to be found. And given his reactions to seeing Sam in the past few days, Sam is sure that Bucky doesn’t want to be found right now.
He’s annoyed. It’s been three weeks since Bucky left, four weeks of silence. He’s tired of being alone in their home. It’s been hard and lonely und Sam might’ve had too much time to think about his feelings because maybe this whole situation isn’t hurting him because he lost a co-worker, but because he lost a friend, someone more than a friend. Someone he grew close with, he shared his secrets with, his concerns and fears. Someone who bought his favorite tea even though they aren’t even talking right now. Someone who hasn’t come to collect his things and leave for good. Someone who still keeps tabs on him at all times. Sam knows, because when he got back from a solo mission last week, there was a map open that showed exactly where Sam had been. Fury had been quick to tell him that he hadn’t been the one who kept track, but “some people in this compound didn’t leave the room as long as you were gone” and Sam didn’t need to ask.
His anger is long gone and he’s left with just heartbreak. Missing Bucky is like missing a piece of himself. He just wants him to come home and he wishes that they’d communicated from the beginning. So he thinks about a plan to talk to Bucky.
The chance to talk to Bucky comes to him sooner rather than later. They get paired for a mission, because they’re still a work duo and the threats never stop.
It’s a shitshow when they arrive at the harbor, there’s no room for any talk other than yelling positions at each other. Sam is keeping their paths free while Bucky has his back. Or so Sam thought, when all of the sudden, Bucky appears in front of him and dodges the bullets meant for Sam. He disappears around the corner before Sam can even say anything. He shakes his head before he runs after Bucky. When he catches up, it’s just to exchange quick plans again. Sam yells directions over the sound of explosions, Bucky nods and they’re moving again. Bucky rounds the corner and nearly can’t dodge the bullet that is coming his way. He shots back before he turns to Sam.
“I thought we were gonna go left!” he yells.
“You went the wrong left!” Sam yells back, anger and anxiety raising in his chest after this close call.
“I was clearing the way!” Bucky is screaming now. Sam can see the anger on his face.
“I came out first, you’re supposed to follow me! It’s in every action movie!” Sam screams back.
Before Bucky can yell back, another explosion sends more containers into their direction. Sam runs towards Bucky and lifts the shield over their heads before parts of the containers come crashing down on them. The impact of the container is heavy, but Sam manages to look up enough to see that Bucky didn’t get hit by any bigger pieces. They’re trapped. The space is big enough to fit the both of them, but he knows that Bucky isn’t good with dealing with small spaces. That’s the last thing he thinks before something hits him in the back, sending him crashing into the ground, knocking him out.
When he comes to, he’s laying on the ground, his head on Bucky’s thighs. Bucky is staring down at him, the anger on his face replaced by worry.
“Hey Sammy,” he says, voice low.
They’re back to nicknames. That’s good to know. Sam knows that this doesn’t end their conflict, but it’s helping that Bucky isn’t prioritizing their fight right now.
“Hey Bucky,” Sam says. He tries to move, but Bucky holds him back.
“I moved you enough already, I don’t want you to make things worse,” he says.
That makes sense. He feels fine but he’s not a doctor after all. So Sam just lays still, head on Bucky’s thighs. They’re silent for a moment.
“Are you okay?” Sam asks eventually when he realizes that they’re still trapped, which should make Bucky nervous, but doesn’t. Or so it seems like.
“Yeah,” Bucky answers. Sam listens closely, searching for any signs of distress. But Bucky seems to be telling the truth. He’s calm, his breathing slow.
“Are we okay?” Bucky asks, hesitation clear in his voice. So, they’re doing this now.
“I don’t know, are we?” Sam asks back, because he really doesn’t know if they are, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you by calling you what I called you.”
“You read the letter,” Bucky states.
“Of course I did,” Sam says. Over and over again, he could probably recite it by now.
“I’m sorry for leaving,” Bucky says after a long moment, “I couldn’t-“
“I get it,” Sam tells him.
“I don’t think you do, Sammy. It wasn’t fair that I snapped. And I’m sorry for that. We both dealt with so much after being gone for five years and I think I already build a base for snapping at some point when I realized that I missed another five years of my life without having any control over it. That’s not your fault. It also isn’t your fault that Steve decided on what he decided. And it isn’t fair that I took my hurt out on you when I knew that you were also hurting. It wasn’t fair to you that I kept comparing you to Steve just because you reminded me so much of him. I realize that now. You having to carry the literal and emotional weight of the shield is something that I didn’t make any easier for you by comparing you. I was scared. You’re so important to me and I never focused on it until I left and realized how much I missed you. I don’t know when I last felt like this, probably decades ago. But the future scares me as much as the past scares me and I pushed you away because you’re my only stable path here in the present. You’re the only family I have left. And I didn’t realize that I wasn’t pushing you away because you reminded me of Steve but because I was so scared to lose you. To have to let go of you because I caught feelings somewhere along the way. I can’t even tell you when I realized that I had feelings for you. Maybe when you first sat with me outside while I was miles away mentally and you didn’t say a thing, you just offered a hand to hold. Or maybe it was when you wore these ridiculous socks with wolves on them because the kids in Wakanda told you about the white wolf. Or maybe it was when you started to join me on the couch in the middle of the night, wether it was because you couldn’t sleep or you were looking out for me. I don’t know. It was scary. It still is. But it’s even scarier to not have you around.“
Sam stares. That’s a lot to take in. He knows that he should probably answer right away, but he has a lot to sort through and his head hurts. So he takes Bucky’s hand instead, smiles up at him. It’s silent for a while before Sam speaks up.
“I’m sorry too, you know? I was so caught up in my own fight that I pushed the fact that you were fighting too to the side. I’m sorry for yelling at you. I shouldn’t have. I’m not sorry that I’m not Steve, not really. I know I said that I was, but sorting through my feelings made me realize that there’s a lot of pressure. The people have expectations and Steve set them high. I was scared that I couldn’t fill the space he left, but I realized that that isn’t what I have to do. I was never going to be his replacement. I’m forming my own legacy. The shield can be a burden, but it also represents hope and power. And I can bring that to the people in my own way. I should’ve talked to you about that, but I wasn’t really sure if you wanted to hear it, given that you also dealt with loss. I promise you that you’re not gonna lose me. I had enough time to sort through my own feelings and realized that you’ve become an important person in my life. I miss having you around so much. Even when you were not talking to me, you still showed how much you care. But if we really want this to work, we have to communicate better. Because I can’t go through a situation like the one we had again.”
Bucky nods. Sam knows that there's a lot unsaid, passed between them by a single look. Eyes that saw hurt and regret, hope and forgiveness all at once.
He has nearly forgotten where they are, eyes growing heavy, when he heard movement in the distance.
“That’s probably Sharon coming to kick our asses for being reckless,” Bucky states and smiles down at Sam, “we’ll be okay. Rest. I’m gonna get us out of here.”
He lays Sam’s head onto the floor carefully and begins to put the parts of the rubble aside that don’t hold the rest of it up. Then he begins yelling. Sam can hear Sharon outside, yelling back and bringing the rescue team over to where they’re buried. He closes his eyes when the bright light from outside falls into their trapped space. He can feel Bucky’s arms under his back and his legs before he gets lifted up into Bucky’s arms, careful to not move him too much.
“You don’t have to carry me, you know?” he says, eyes still closed.
“Sure, Sammy,” Bucky says from above him while carrying him out of their space and towards the medical team, “you keep telling yourself that.”
Sam wakes up to Bucky and Sharon whispering.
“So what you’re saying is that you finally got your shit together?” he hears Sharon ask.
“We’re working on it. But I think we’re on a good way. We talked about feelings, him and I. And I think we both realized that we’re probably not only co-workers after all. Right, Sam?” Bucky says, the question at the end directed at Sam.
“Kiss my ass, Barnes,” Sam says, not even bothering to open his eyes.
“Maybe later,” Bucky responds.
“Yeah, I see. This is gonna be great,” Sharon says, “I’m glad to know that you both figured out that you’re stupid, I’m gonna leave you two to it.”
“Hey Sharon,” Bucky calls out after her, “thank you.”
“For what?” Sharon asks.
“Keeping our asses out of trouble? Listening to us cry about each other? Being there for us? I know it hasn’t been easy on you either, so if you need anything, someone to talk to, just say the word.”
Sam opens his eyes in time to see Sharon nod.
“I’ll keep that in mind,” she says, nodding at them before she leaves.
“So,” Sam says, turning his head to Bucky.
“So,” Bucky answers, putting one hand down next to Sam’s on the bed. Sam takes it, pulls on it to pull Bucky onto the bed with him. Bucky goes willingly, careful as to not move Sam too much. He turns to his side, throwing one leg over Sam’s legs and one arm over Sam’s stomach. He buries his face in the crook of Sam’s neck.
“Are you coming home?” Sam asks straight away. He’s done waiting.
“Can’t leave my best guy and his head injury alone, can I?” Bucky says. He lifts his head to look at Sam. They’re so close, nose to nose.
“Can I kiss you?” Sam asks. Bucky nods.
It’s an easy one. Lips pressing against lips, eyes closed. Sam feels like he’s whole again, right there, with Bucky pressing against him, kissing him like he should’ve done months ago. The kiss deepens, Bucky becoming more demanding, pressing against Sam. When they part, Sam looks at Bucky. Really looks at him. Bucky’s cheeks are tinted red, his lips kiss swollen. Sam pushes a strand of hair out of Bucky’s face, tucks it behind Bucky’s ear. Bucky smiles down at him, leans in again. The second kiss is different than the first one. Full of feelings, of hope and love. Sam gets lost in it. He wants to stay like this forever. And from what Bucky said earlier, he might get to have that.
“Couldn’t have done that earlier?” Bucky asks when they part again, grinning.
“I hate you,” Sam answers.
“No you don’t, we’ve been over this,” Bucky says.
“No I don’t,” Sam responds.
The shield is leaning against the wall, next to Bucky’s shoes he doesn’t really wear but still keeps just because they’re his. Bucky is sprawled out on the couch, wrapped up in the fluffy blanket he claims to be his. Sam is walking towards him from the kitchen, in one hand a mug with hot cocoa, in the other hand a mug with tea. He settles down next to Bucky, who moves to make more space for Sam. Sam sets the mugs down on the coffee table before Bucky lifts the blanket and holds his arm up like an invite.
Sam crawls into Bucky’s arms, claims the space on Bucky’s chest as his. Bucky wraps the blanket around both of them and rubs a hand up and down Sam’s back.
“You know what I realized today?” Sam asks from his place on Bucky’s chest.
“What?” Bucky asks right back, looking down at the man laying on top of him.
“Nick Fury hasn’t yelled at us over the phone in months,” Sam says.
“That’s because he knows, if he argues with one, he’s gonna argue with both,” Bucky states.
“I think it’s because he gave Sharon the position she’s in right now and she’s now yelling at us on the field,” Sam says.
“No, I don’t think so, sweetheart,” Bucky laughs.
“Oh but Buck,” Sam answers, “I’m absolutely right.”
Bucky laughs loud and free and Sam lifts his head just to see the sight of this side of Bucky. He smiles. And when Bucky is done laughing, he looks down at Sam and presses a kiss right onto Sam’s lips. Sam leans into it, presses closer to his boyfriend, who’s chest is still moving from laughing so hard. Maybe he isn’t right. Maybe he is. It doesn’t really matter who’s yelling at them, as long as they can return to their house safe and sound every night, with the shield leaning against the wall next to Bucky’s shoes he doesn’t really wear but still keeps because they’re his, with the used mugs in the sink from when they chased each other’s nightmares away in the middle of the night and the fluffy blanket on the couch, that Bucky claims to be his but shares with Sam every chance he gets.
“You wanna know what this is, being here with you, in this house?” Bucky asks.
Sam looks up, patiently waiting for the answer.
“It’s the present I never dared to dream of,” Bucky says.
And Sam can’t stop himself, he lifts himself up and kisses his boyfriend right then and there, on their couch in their home.
Not in the past, not in the future. But in the present.