one quick moment was all it took for bucky’s feelings to finally roll out at a therapy session him and sam were forced into. “if he was wrong about you, then he was wrong about me,” with a crack in his voice right at the end. these weren’t new thoughts for the former assassin to think. not the fact that steve could’ve ever been wrong about sam, he had faith in him for that. but the fact he could’ve been wrong about the fact that bucky deserved to be saved. he never felt truly worth it. he killed people and hurt their loved ones, for fuck’s sake. but steve never gave up on him, he was always there to save him and bring him back.
that is until he decided that in his quest to return the infinity stones where they belonged, he was going to settle down and live the life he never had with peggy carter. he was no longer there to bring bucky back from any deep end he was nearing. he wasn’t there to help him out during dark times or talk some sense into him. he was gone. his anchor and rock was gone and he couldn’t do anything about it.
if bucky was being honest with himself, that’s when the self doubt really started. the moment steve didn’t come back at the quantum tunnel, he knew the question he’d been wondering all along had been answered. he wasn’t worth it. if he was worth it, steve would have taken him back to the 40s and they could’ve lived their lives together. better yet, steve would’ve never even left because how could he leave his best friend in a world alone where he barely knows & trusts anyone? how could he do that to the person he worked so hard to save and get back? how could he leave without seeming like he cared a bit? that’s when bucky felt that he wasn’t worth it. years of working to be himself again and his world was crumbling in itself. therapy sessions didn’t help, either. it was only dr raynor criticizing him for not forming any bonds with sam, or anyone for that matter. he ignored sam’s texts constantly and never texted or called anyone. how could he? he didn’t really trust anyone.
maybe sam was trying to create a bond between the two of them but bucky couldn’t risk getting close to another person who would just end up leaving him the minute they got the chance. maybe sam wasn’t like that, he didn’t know. he wasn’t going to let himself get the chance to know, though. he didn’t want to form a friendship with someone just for them to disappear. he didn’t want to be hurt again. that’s the honest truth of why he hadn’t tried to talk with anybody. he didn’t want the disappointment of being left again. so he closed himself off and became more secluded than he was before. while he couldn’t say he liked it better that way, he knew he was better off that way. nobody can hurt you if you don’t give them the chance, right?
that thought process was going particularly well for bucky. until he found out sam gave up the shield & a new (fake) captain america had been declared. his self doubt only got worse from there. he decided to reunite with sam and of course his first words to him were about how he gave the shield up. deep down he really wasn’t mad at sam for giving it up. it was his to do with whatever he wanted. it was his choice. but he was so desperately clinging to hope that steve wasn’t wrong about sam. he had so much faith in him for picking sam to be the new cap, but if steve was wrong for it what else could he have been wrong about?
for the rest of the day, he took his feelings out on sam. it wasn’t the right thing to do, he knew that. but he was trying to cling to every hope he had at that moment. it wasn’t until the forced therapy session where dr raynor tried couple’s therapy methods that he hit his breaking point and finally said how he felt. he was never fully honest about how he felt in therapy sessions. hell, he was never fully honest about his feelings ever. he kept them to himself at all times. but he figured sam should hear the truth after he’s been berating him all day about his decision. he did regret it a bit, being honest. but he couldn’t go back and change that, he had to just get over it. it didn’t help him or anything either. he still felt the exact same as he did before. wondering if steve was wrong about bucky. did he even deserve to be saved? he surely didn’t feel like it. he wanted so desperately for his old best friend to have been right about him, but he couldn’t move past his feelings of self doubt that ate him up from the inside.
these feelings affected a lot of his life, actually. before steve left, he really didn’t deal with nightmares that much. of course, it’s not like he had a lot of time in between finally being freed of hydra and jumping into a new war, in which he got blipped away. but still, he didn’t have many nightmares. it wasn’t until steve decided to stay in the 40s his nightmares developed. the blonde being his anchor helped with way more than either of them ever realized. of course he still had ptsd & had to deal with that sometimes, but knowing steve was there when he needed him always soothed him. he didn’t have that soothing feeling anymore. now he had to face every ounce of ptsd that life threw at him. nightmares, self doubt, panic attacks, flashbacks. the list goes on. he was spiraling downhill and he couldn’t control it anymore. he thought a good start to at least try & make a change was to make amends with those he hurt. that only made the nightmares worse. he wondered if it would be better if steve was there to comfort him and help him out along the way. it was only thoughts though, he wish his best friend could’ve been there to help him. he needed him to be there. he needed him to silence the voices in his head telling him he’ll never be different than the man he was forced to be in hydra. he needed him to simply be there to soothe him.
except steve wasn’t there, and that’s something bucky knew he had to deal with no matter how hard it would be.