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She looked at Natasha as she slept on the bed in their shared bedroom. Even though Nat was asleep, she was agitated, whimpering and shifting around the bed almost every five minutes. It broke her heart to see her like that, but she knew part of it was her fault.
The couple had been together for almost two years and moved into the same apartment just a few months ago. They had met at S.H.I.E.L.D., since they both worked there. While Natasha was an agent, she was an intelligence analyst. Director Fury unintentionally set them up when he ordered they worked on a mission together. At first, they became friends, then best friends, and finally, lovers.
After two years together, she started to feel like the love she felt for Natasha wasn’t the same as it was before. Nat was still her best friend and she loved her deeply, but it just wasn’t the same. For the last five months, the couple started to drift apart. At first, they both thought it was something temporary, that would pass with time, but they were wrong.
Sharon Carter was an amazing woman in her eyes – beautiful, strong, kind, and smart. They started getting closer to each other one year after she started dating Natasha. It was Sharon who brought back the butterflies in her stomach, the fireworks she would see in her mind every time she walked into the room. Sharon Carter made her remember how love was supposed to feel, and that made her hate herself. It was painful to know how Sharon made her so happy, but she could never act on those feelings. She couldn’t betray Nat like that, so she quit her job at S.H.I.E.L.D and started working for the FBI, hoping that the feelings she had for Sharon would eventually go away with time and everything would go back to normal with Nat. But Natasha knew something was wrong with her girlfriend. She would lash out at her with no reason, but Nat still tried to make their relationship work. Her girlfriend loved her for still trying, but those feelings soon turned into hate. Soon, Natasha started to get fed up with her attitude. It was getting too much for her, and that was why she turned to Bruce for advice. They started getting closer than she expected, and that made her feel like a monster. How could she do that to her girlfriend if she loved her so much? So she tried to compensate by making small romantic gestures to her, hoping to win her back and forget Bruce.
Natasha was drinking a cup of coffee by the window, appreciating the beautiful night view of the city. Her girlfriend was coming late again, so she made her dinner and put it in the oven. She thought she was gonna be asleep by the time she came home, but she arrived earlier than usual that night.
“Hey babe” Nat said as she walked up to her and tried to peck her lips, but she dismissed her act of affection, “Is there something wrong?”
“No, it’s nothing, Nat. I’m just tired” she tried to explain as she took off her jacket and put it on the rack, “Work’s been a bitch lately, nothing more.”
“I made you dinner. It’s in the oven.”
“Thank you, love” she tried to smile at her.
Natasha made her company while she ate dinner. She was eating slower than usual, playing with her food with the fork. The silence between them was heart-breaking.
“Sharon asked for you today” Nat finally decided to break the ice, “She told me you haven’t answered her texts since you joined the Bureau.”
She almost chocked on her food when Nat mentioned Sharon, “Yeah, I’ve been meaning to, but I always forget. I’ll call her tomorrow before work, I’m too tired today.” Grabbing her almost full plate, she put it on the sink. “I’m going to bed, Nat. Goodnight” She kissed the back of her head before she went to their bedroom.
Nat stayed where she was, still unable to acknowledge what had just happened. Their relationship used to be so full of happiness, love and affection. Now it was numb and suffocating.
She laid in bed, still wide awake, even though her body was completely tired. Maybe telling Nat about her true feelings was the best she could do, but she didn’t want her to feel the suffering she was feeling at the moment. Nat could never know the truth. She didn’t do anything wrong but love her, and she had to do the same. She knew she was a coward but being numb was the only way she had to survive this. Love was tearing them apart.