we move on

Peter found themself in an odd state with a book in their hand, it was much like a dream in the sense they weren't sure how they got there and they didn't think about it either. They only knew that they felt compelled to write in the book. They weren't quite sure what they were writing or why but the words just came out on their own.

'I got given this book and I'm supposed to write down what I see because that's what will help with this process and figuring it all out apparently' Peter wrote nochantly in the old book. The ink flowed in an addictive way that urged them to write more though they couldn't explain their own words that seemed to be guided by a different presence.

'It smells safe but in all honesty any book would have given me that memory of sitting at home in the quiet. Aunt May somewhere else in the house tinkering with flowers with Uncle Ben as I sat in my room, reading. I would press my face up against the book every so often to smell the paper. It's oddly comforting and I always liked to do it.'

Peter melted into the memory and they felt it. The warmth that gently floated through the room, evidence of the end of spring and that feeling of a calm summer. Wind wouldn't come as much as it had last week and when it did it wasn't nearly as cold or harsh. It was Spring's final embrace before it's departure and it was gladly welcomed by Peter. 

They could just rest without any real worries or concept of time and wait until May called them for lunch and give them those little triangle sandwiches that she liked to pull out every so often. It felt so fancy eating them on a little plate while drinking lemonade out of a little teacup, while May and Ben drank actual tea like they were supposed to. Peter would have too but they couldn't stand the taste.

May would hum lightly and lazily to herself as she poured out Peter's drink because she was feeling extra nice and polite but mostly because she didn't want to risk Peter spilling their drink on her nice tablecloth. Ben was already a notorious drink-spiller and she could only handle leaving her new tablecloth vulnerable to so many attackers.

It wouldn't matter so much though as Peter was infamous for dropping their food on it's journey between their mouth and the plate anyway. At least sandwiches were less likely to stain.

She would complain but she couldn't help but laugh as she heard the beginnings of giggling from her husband and Peter. She couldn't help but collapse into the puff of happiness that came from the endearing nature of two people she made a home with even if it meant dealing with their little shenanigans.

She knew she would get Ben back for laughing at her despair for the cruel acts against her precious tablecloth. Peter giggled as she devised plans with them for she would extract her carefully strategized revenge. By that she meant she would misplace the remote before she left for work on Thursday when Ben wasn't working and Peter was at school. He would be forced to go outside or learn how to use a computer to watch his favourite show. A true mastermind she was. She would record it for him but he would suffer a bit first. Her tablecloth would be proud and Peter and her would get a good laugh out of it. Ben would grumble a bit and mope but he would come around when bribed with chocolate.

Peter would always look at their aunt and their uncle and think that they wanted to be like that with someone one day, didn't really matter how they got their but they wanted to look at someone and be helpless to the inevitable smile that would spread on their face and have that same person break into laughter at Peter's antics and not be able to wait to see them at the end of the day. Peter had so many dreams and plans and they knew they would always be supported. Their life wasn't always happy but they were so loved and they had a childhood that was so full of wonder and excitement and they would always feel so fond of it. They would always feel safe and loved in those memories of their youth. Nothing ever captured quite the same feeling and sense of happiness and unknowing steadiness they had felt at that time. When their friends and family was their whole world and that trust and body was just so strong and they didn't even know it. Nothing could match those memories later in life and yet they saw it in glimpses sometimes and when they did they reveled in it and every time it came with this sorrowful excitement of what their little life was. They wished they could go back to it sometimes and just feel like they had again, so innocent and unknowing to the world and its people and thinking Flash being a poo-poo head and cutting in front of them to go on the slide was the worst of the problems the world had to offer. When life had been so exciting and they couldn't wait to grow up.

Peter remembered how they played tag with Ned, Miles, Michelle, Harry, Mary-Jane and Gwen and that liar Ned had said they had reached the safe-zone but they hadn't and they had cried and fought over it and decided to never be friends again and then had acted like nothing had happened the next day. It was so stupid and petty and completely forgotten by the time they wanted to play tag again. It was weird to think how petty and dramatic but forgiving and forgetful little kids could be. Peter thought adults could do with being a little bit more forgiving because whether they realised it or not they were full of pettiness and could be so dramatic. So many potential friendships were squandered because of bad first impressions and petty little problems and social-rules. You couldn't just make friends as an adult like you could as a kid it was all different and more distant. You couldn't explore and play like you could as a kid and you couldn't cry and be dramatic in the same ways like you could as a tot either. It was sad really. Peter would love to be able to just be friends and have that close connection to people like they did when they were young because as an adult it just wasn't the same. 

Peter was never really lonely and relationship-centered like they were when they were a kid. People they had once been close with just weren't in their life anymore. They had grown distant with most of their friends to the point they were just another person in the hallway by the time high-school rolled around. Peter ended up dating Gwen for a short amount of time but she ended up breaking it off with them. Peter and Ned had stuck together and they ended up rekindling a relationship with Michelle. But it wasn't like when they were kids it was awkward and there was this pressure that had never been there before. They weren't ever quite friends and Ned kept badgering at Peter to see when they were going to finally 'make a move on Michelle' because they were 'clearly into each other'. They had ended up dating for a while but that ended before the end of senior year and Peter was once again single except now they were in university.

That stark programme internship had served their resume well and outshone their shitty part-time job and top grades they had worked so hard to maintain. University had shown them that you actually had to talk to people outside of class in order to make friends because otherwise it just wasn't going to happen. Peter had started with talking to their roomate, doing and saying what they had to in order to get good with them despite their awkwardness and then getting invited out to places to meet more people in hopes they could mesh better together. Peter had ended up joining clubs and forging awkward friendships out of that.

Then university ended and they were once again absentmindedly distancing away from their now 'old' friends and making friends as an actual out-of-university adult was a whole different ball game. They never really made friends with people at work as much as they hoped they would. They got along well and Peter had to get used to drinking alcohol because adulting included alcoholic social time hooray. Peter didn't really like drinking that much except for their birthday and holy shit did some birthdays get lonely.

They had never felt so pressured to be in relationships with people before. Their aunt was constantly asking them to meet with people when they met up because she was worried they were all wrapped up with work and left no time for themself. So Peter started joining clubs and they got along with people their. They had their Saturday 13:00 painting-buddy and their Friday afternoon taijutsu friends.

But holy shit were they lonely and so very-much pressured to get into a relationship with someone so they weren't forever alone. Peter had stayed friends with Ned but it was a very loose relationship and they were not nearly as close as they had once been and he had faded away into the background of Peter's mind. It felt uncomfortable to casually text or call him because their friendship just wasn't how it used to be.

Peter ended up with a bar after meeting up there with Miles of all people, the guy had started working at their job too and Peter had ended up talking to them and it was a bit weird to see their old friend after such a long time but it was nice to see him. They talked about their lives, their careers, their relationships, who they had seen since high-school, the fact that Miles was getting married! Yeah Miles who was younger than Peter ended up getting engaged before them which made Peter feel kind of self-conscious of old yet they were happy for Miles. Admittedly, Peter was jealous of Miles's successful relationship and how friendly they were whereas Peter had  struggled to find someone to even 'crush' on. Even the word 'crush' felt so young and naive and made Peter feel like an old loser. Miles invited Peter to go which made Peter internally panic about not having a date and not being good with relationships or friendships and jesus were they lonely. Would they even know anyone at the wedding beside Miles? Was it a good idea to even show up? What if they weren't really welcome? Well it would depend on if they got an actual invitation or not. Miles probably wouldn't have verbally invited them if they didn't intend to actually invite them. Unless they forgot or it had just felt like a formality and he hoped Peter wouldn't actually take it seriously and come.

Miles had to go home earlier than they had thought they would because their fiance had called them and said there was a problem with the venue for the wedding and Miles visibly felt bad for needing to leave but he couldn't just let down his fiance like that and he was clearly stressed out. Miles had said they wanted to hold off on the wedding for a bit and give it a couple years to make sure everything was ready for it-including the couple themselves, but it was still a stressful process. Peter said it was fine because it was and Peter was obviously not the priority in this situation and they couldn't fault Miles for knowing his wedding came first. Peter had stayed for one last drink though after Miles left. A sad testament to their childhood and all of the relationships and feelings that came with it. 

It was then that they had met their partner actually.

One of the three men who had been sitting near Peter and Miles had stumbled up to Peter not-quite caught in time by his friend to stop the words from pouring out of his mouth. 

"My buddy here won't say it cause he's grumpy and dead-set on being alone for the rest of his life since his girlfriend left him but he thinks you're really hot and you're clearly his type so like do you like guys- look I know he's not a lot to work with and he actually kind of sucks sometimes but he's actually also a really great guy-and loving guy- yeah he's just a big ol' softy really and-and-and-and he'd treat you right so if you could please go out with him so he could stop hanging around me and my wife so much and experience love again and bring someone he loves round the house so my family and I can be proud of him he'd treat you good- what do you say-" 

One of the three men grabbed the guy and spewed out apologies and made gestures between the drunk man who looked like the definition of 'wasted' as he stared at his other friend with a dopey smile on his face and winked while giving him a thumbs up. 

"I'm sorry my friend over there has been single for a while and said that you were pretty cute which my friend here took as a sign to harass you in an attempt to find love for our buddy over there" the sober man gestured to the red-faced man at the table across the bar- completely mortified by the events that were unfolding before his eyes. 

Peter just stared at the people in front of them and just didn't know what to do or how to react so they just said it was fine and told them maybe they should consider going home if their friend was that wasted. Unfortunately, the drunk man was persistent and weaseled their way out of his friends grasp and grabbed their other notably bigger friend to Peter. How the skinny man had managed to lug the considerably larger man with such ease must have come down to the drunk mans determination and the probably-sober man's embarrassment. 

"This is my buddy I told you about you guys should talk" the drunk man took his tired sober friend back to the table and left Peter with the other man.

"So...you think I'm cute huh" was the only thing that managed to come out of Peter's mouth. The man's face was already considerably red and he was sweating quite a lot. Still Peter thought he was quite good-looking in a rough kind of way. Not someone they would think of when it comes to a potential relationship though.

"I uh- yeah my friend-idiot, shitfaced friend said that" the man avoided eye contact with Peter and almost aggressively rubbed at his neck. 

Peter felt bad for the guy and yet they couldn't help but mercilessly press the man with their next words "but do you think I am" 

The guy met eyes with Peter then and Peter regretted their own words and cursed themself for saying something so violently dumb and cringey. The man's gaze was so intense and Peter felt like they had received a hard blow to their stomach just from it.

"Well I-yeah" the man managed to say and Peter felt dizzy and hot, very overwhelmingly hot. The guy shifted in his seat "I'm Frank" he said and looked at Peter as if he had not just spent the last few minutes in bright, red embarrassment.

"Peter" they said in return.

They continued talking for a while after that and at first it was awkward but it ended with them exchanging their numbers, which Peter joked would have probably made Frank's friend pretty happy. Frank groaned at the thought of his too-drunk friend and seemed to take refuge in the idea that he would have a horrible hangover the next day, which Peter laughed at despite chiding him for.

Things continued on and Peter eventually ended up seeing Frank more often and meeting a sober version of his friend, who was embarrassed that Peter had met him when he was drunk, but he was pretty proud that he was the reason for Peter's presence and reminded Frank of this who shot him a somewhat playful glare. 

Peter agreed to go along with Frank to meet his friend and his friends wife for dinner.  Despite having no official relationship It felt very official and Peter decided that maybe they should meet with May-God when was the last time they saw May- and tell her about their maybe-relationship with Frank.  Peter got along well with the couple but they felt this constant feeling of both excitement and fear. They were really all grown up huh.  Peter ended up with Frank at their apartment with them to unwind after their night out with his friend and it was there that he asked Peter out. It felt very underwhelming considering a relationship had already been built up between them but it was still sweet and Peter felt their face get hot all the same. 

Peter phoned their Aunt May that night. 

Peter received and invitation in the post for Mile's wedding and was grateful that the universe had allowed them time to get a date to bring for it. 

Frank was acting almost more nervous than Peter was for it and that was saying something. Would they see some old faces- maybe a few people from school- definitely a few colleagues who had befriended Miles. 

Peter had made an effort to look nice for it. They didn't want to ruin the wedding photos and they wanted to make a point to look good in case anyone from school showed up. They would not lose the who had done better in life war they decided existed. They did indulge in a bit of healthy social media stalking to see how people from their school were doing. Most of them were okay for the most part. Flash was still a bit of a snooty bastard, but he had clearly mellowed out somewhat over the years.

The venue was really beautiful and full of lights that contrasted with the darkness of the room and made the bride and groom stand out. It was like watching a scene from a film. Peter felt Frank squeeze their hand and they were suddenly very appreciative of the fact they were not single because they really felt it for a moment.

Miles and his wife, Phin greeted Peter some point after the ceremony and Peter was surprised to see Gwen and Harry at the ceremony. The two had started dating in highschool, broke it off and the picked it back up sometime after university and had a tricky relationship since. Peter ended up gravitating more to Gwen then they had Harry, which soon became obvious to have bothered Frank to some degree. Peter had mentioned that they briefly dated a girl called Gwen in highschool but it had only lasted so long and she eventually started dating Harry again. Frank never explicitly said that it bothered him but he had seemed to get a little bit tense around Gwen and seemed a bit upset when Peter spent a little too much time catching up with her. Peter made a mental note to make it clear that was all a long time ago and that there is nothing between Peter and Gwen whatsoever. 

Peter had a decently fun time besides the slight bit of tension around Gwen and Harry but that was about it and Frank seemed to enjoy himself too. Miles sent Peter photos from the wedding and they had come out nicely and Peter was glad to say they looked good in the photos they were present in.

At one point the photographer had called for specifically only people from school as Miles had specifically requested as a tribute to the fact they had found their way into each other's lives again. It was a sweet photo that Peter couldn't help but look at with the fondness that came with the reminder of their childhood. Peter was glad to have a photo taken at an event with Frank it felt like one of those unsaid milestones that made them feel old, but in a good way.

Things moved along further and Peter ended up in a solid relationship with Frank and they ended up moving in together much to the delight of May who had wanted to know all about Frank from the moment Peter first told her about him. She just wasn't pleased it took so long for him to be brought up though. She was happy to have them round for dinner. It was awkward and Peter didn't envy Frank as May grilled him for every detail of his life and unfortunately thought that they bonded over dead parents-which they did not and it made dinner very much worse and Peter suddenly regretted ever introducing May to Frank and wondered if May had said that because of the wine or because she was petty and mad Peter hadn't introduced him before. It somehow got worse when May realised they met at a bar and she started asking Peter if they were an alcoholic and if they were dating an alcoholic and how could they go and be an alcoholic. Peter had not expected the night to end with an explanation of how alcohol ruins people's lives. 

Frank was nice about it at least.

May met the two for dinner again at a later date and the conversations were a lot more pleasant than last time considering alcohol and dead parents were not brought up.

Peter ended up meeting up with Miles and Gwen for a drink. Since the wedding Peter had gotten closer to Gwen and made a point to always offer Frank a chance to come with them when they met up but he always said he was okay with it even if was a little off around her. Gwen had broken up with Harry for Mary-Jane and she clearly felt very guilty. Harry hadn't taken it so well. He had an on and off relationship with Gwen and the idea of it being officially over had shocked him for a lack of better words. It was a strange little reunion. If you had asked Peter in school who they thought they would stay friends with in the future they would say Ned and maybe Michelle. They hadn't talked in a long time and Peter felt a nostalgic sadness and an urge to send a text message asking to meet up with the two. They weren't even in contact with Michelle and it had been so long since they had spoken to Ned. It was a strange kind of sadness growing apart. 

It got pretty late and Peter felt pretty tired and didn't feel like drinking late in fear of facing the hangover in the morning and announce they were going home. They said their goodbyes and started walking home and then it happened. They stepped out into the road and they never made it across the street and-

Peter dropped the book they were holding and realized why it was they were writing in it in the first place.

"You're dead Peter"