He felt himself being pulled back together. What was happening. He couldn’t see yet, but he could feel his hands. And then—there they were. One flesh and one metal in front of him. Where was he? Wakanda. In the trees. Thanos had been . . . Thanos! “Steve?” No answer. He called out again, “Steve? Natalia?”
Nothing.
Then, “Over here, Buck.” It wasn’t Steve’s voice, it was Sam’s.
“Sam?”
“I’m here, what’s happening?” Bucky shrugged.
“We better get back to the palace.” They turned to head away from the empty trees when a circle of fire opened in front of them. A man wearing a ludicrous outfit blue tunic and red cape stepped out.
“I’m Dr. Stephen Strange, you need to come with me.”
It took a few minutes to get everything organized. Strange had managed to round up the missing avengers and King T’Challa, but Wakandans were reappearing all over the previous battlefield. Bucky could hardly wrap his head around it, Thanos had won. He’d heard Steve yell in the distance that he had disappeared, and then apparently he’d won. They had all been gone for five years.
Five years.
How much of his life was he going to miss?
But now, Steve and Tony Stark and Natalia, and the rest of them, they had done something and they were back. But so was Thanos.
“You got your earpiece in?” It was Sam. Bucky rolled his eyes.
“Just like it was before he left.” Left to go where? He wasn’t sure. T’Challa was organizing his troops. Sam and Rhodes were doing their best with those who didn’t fit in. The tree was back, and the kid in the spider suit, some others he didn’t recognize. The doctor, Strange, he seemed to be the only one who knew them all. There was more orange fire and then more strangely dressed men were joining them.
“We have to hurry!” Strange was yelling and then, fire circles were opening all around them and T’Challa was leading them through.
As soon as the portals appeared Sam started talking into his mic, “Cap? Cap you there?”
Silence.
“Cap? Cap, on your left”
Bucky went to follow suit. He opened his mouth to call out to Steve, but the words seemed to lodge in his throat. He couldn’t get them out. T’Challa and Sam were through the portal now. Bucky walked through with the others.
And there he was.
Steve Rogers.
He was dressed differently. God he looked terrible. He was limping, and his arm, was it broken?
“Steve?” He whispered this time, too quiet for the mic to pick it up. Even from a distance he could see the relief on Steve’s face. Where the hell were the others? Why wasn’t anyone backing Steve up. And where the hell was his shield?
No there, coming out of the rubble from where they must have been thrown was Stark and the thunder man. Steve was holding something, but it wasn’t his shield. It was the hammer.
“Holy cow,” he heard Sam muttering in his ear. “I knew he could do it.”
“Rogers,” a new voice was talking in his ear. He thought it was Tony Stark, but, couldn’t be 100% sure. “Break it down.”
But Steve’s eyes were meeting his. Everything they had never said, everything that had been left behind when they lined up on that battle field in Wakanda was there in them. Bucky nodded, and hoisted his gun up. He was ready, they all were.
So was Thanos.
He missed Steve breaking it down, it was quick and quiet.
And then, “Avengers, Assemble!” Cheers and war cries rang out around him but they were lost in the charge of the now fully fledged army sprinting across the battle field.
And they were on him. He was trying to keep an eye on Steve. God where was Steve?
He couldn’t see him but he could hear him through his earpiece, “keep that gauntlet safe!” Bucky couldn’t see the gauntlet, but it looked like some sort of relay was happening across the battlefield. He was still shooting aliens, but he needed to be backing Steve up.
“Bucky? Bucky!” It was Sam in his ear.
“Yeah?” He spoke as he fired the gun point blank into a creature’s head. “The kids, grab em.”
It was Shuri. She was doing an ok job of blasting the creatures, aliens, whatever the hell they were. But she’d gotten corned in against some debris. The spider, was he a kid? The spider kid was on top of the rubble, nearly fifteen feet above her, slinging webs at anything Shuri missed, but they’d both be overwhelmed before long. It didn’t take him long to fight his way towards them, or to fight a path to Shuri. “Up,” he grunted.
“We can handle it, White Wolf,” she panted.
“You can’t see what I do.” He glanced upward, “pull her up and take the long way around.” The spiderling nodded and next thing he knew Shuri was covered in the webbing herself. He breathed a sigh of relief. The Wakandans had been good to him, he owed them. He took a deep breath, hoisted his gun up, and jumped. His fingers just grabbed the edge of the huge cement wall and he hauled himself up, his gun at the ready to provide cover fire as they ran along the artificial ridge back to the center of the battle.
But something was happening in the center. He could see clearly from the top of the cement debris. Stark and Steve were taking on Thanos together. He hoisted his gun up, Thanos’ head was in his target when Shuri screamed.
He turned to see her taking down a rogue alien creature. She was fine. He turned back to Steve, God he was taking on Thanos hand to hand now, he had no shot. The gauntlet was back in play, wasn’t someone supposed to be watching it? He leapt off the pile of rubble and ran for Steve. Halfway there he stopped, knelt, and fired right at Thanos. He hit im in the shoulder, no good. It didn’t matter, he was up and heading for Steve again.
One thought was in his head as he covered the last 50 yards, Steve, he needed to get to Steve. There was too much happening, his view was blocked. “Sam, what’s your view?”
But Sam didn’t answer. Bucky could see him swooping in, coming in and landing in front of Steve. Stark had been knocked aside, and Steve scrambling to pick something up off the ground. “Rogers!” He was close enough to hear Stark yelling, but then Steve was hoisting the gauntlet onto his hand.
Then he snapped his fingers.
And dust was flying through the air. But it wasn’t any of the avengers, it was Thanos and his minions. They were falling over, disappearing just like he and Sam must have disappeared.
As the dust cleared he could see Steve, he was lying on the ground, completely still. He flung himself through the crowd, knocking Tony Stark out of the way as he threw himself onto the ground beside Steve. “Steve? It’s me, it’s Bucky.”
Steve was gasping for breath; Bucky shook his head. “You shouldn’t talk, come on now.” He helped lean Steve back against some more rubble. He could sense Sam on his other side.
“Cap, you good?” Sam asked quietly. Steve tried to smile.
“On,” he coughed, “on your left.” Sam chuckled quietly. “Sam,” Steve gasped.
“Steve, come on now, you need to rest,” Bucky turned around and yelled “Medic!” as loud as he could, but Steve was waving him off.
“Sam, the shield, what’s left of it, take it.” Bucky glanced at Sam. His eyes were huge.
“No, man, no Steve it’s yours.”
“Please, Sam.” Steve coughed again. Bucky shot Sam a look, and the other man nodded once. “Bucky,”
“I’m here, Stevie, the medic is coming. Remember in ’44? This isn’t nearly as bad as then. It’s gonna be fine.” He looked over his shoulder, but Stark was shaking his head. The green thing was muttering into his ear. “Steve,” he trailed off. Steve’s breathing was getting shallower.
“Is Tony?”
“He’s here,” Bucky moved over to let Stark come in to kneel by Steve.
“Tony,” Steve gasped, “The avengers, they’re . . . they’re gonna be fine . . . You deserve to retire, to rest.” Bucky saw Tony smile weakly. “Take care of yourself now, Tony.”
Stark was still smiling weakly, “Sure, Cap. Of course I will.” That seemed to satisfy Steve, and his gaze turned to Bucky.
“Buck,” he coughed again.
“Shhh, Stevie, come on now. You’ve got to conserve your energy.”
“Buck, I’m sorry. I, I think this is the end of the line. I wish, I wish we had more time. I’m so . . . sorry.”
“It’s ok, I’m here, honey,” He traced his fingers along Steve’s cheek. “Till the end,” he trailed off. His enhanced hearing picked up that Steve’s breathing was fading quickly. “It’s ok,” he repeated, “I’m here.” He heard Steve’s last breath, and then he was still.
Bucky was alone in Steve’s bedroom in his Brooklyn apartment. Stark had let him and Sam in, telling them that Steve had been splitting his time between Brooklyn and the compound. Bucky hadn’t even thought to ask about Natalia until Stark had left. When he ran after him Stark had just shaken his head.
No Steve. No Natalia.
He sat down on the edge of the bed. Steve’s funeral. He’d imagined this moment dozens of times in the 20’s and 30’s. But never after the Serum. Steve had been invincible after the Serum. Even when the Soldat had killed so many, it was Steve who had survived and brought him back. He just. What was he supposed to do now?
He didn’t know why he’d felt so compelled to pull the man in blue from the river. He’d spent the last few days beforehand trying to kill him after all. But he had. And he’d found him, and the man that was supposed to be himself in the museum. And then? He hadn’t known what to do. So he did the only thing he knew how to. He ran. The man in blue was gravely injured. The handlers would be coming for him. That’s all he’d known.
Then the dreams had started. Some good. Some bad.
He glanced at the bedside table. The only item there was a small blue notebook. He had his own notebooks in his backpack in Wakanda. T’Challa had made sure he’d gotten them back after Munich. He wouldn’t want anyone else opening those notebooks. But if it was Steve. . . .well.
He grabbed the little book.
The first few pages were lists. He didn’t know what the words meant, but Steve, ever meticulous, had labeled each in parentheses. Books, movies, soundtracks.
Then there were his doodles. He recognized one instantly as Steve’s mother. Then him, from the 40’s. Then one of the Soldat. He slammed the little book shut.
“You ready?” He had been so engrossed in Steve’s notebook that he hadn’t heard Sam coming down the hall. “I knocked, but” Sam trailed off. Bucky shook his head.
“It’s fine.”
“You don’t have to come you know. There’re protestors out there already. You could meet us at the church.”
“No. I want to see him through. Till the end of the line.” He could see Sam eyeing him carefully. But all he said was, “Let’s go.”
Steve’s body had lain in state for 36 hours. Sam, Bruce, Thor, Stark, and the others had taken turns keeping vigil. Not even Stark’s fast talking had been able to get Bucky in past security. Finally the police chief had said if he saw Bucky anywhere near the statehouse he’d have him arrested.
On charges of treason of course.
So Sam had called Stark, who had called what was apparently an army of lawyers, who had managed to keep him out of jail and send his case straight up the chain for a pardon. It was still pending. So he was still barred from the vigil.
But they couldn’t bar him from the church.
Or the internment that was planned for Arlington the next day. Steve would be laid to rest just yards from President Kennedy. When Sam had told him, Bucky hadn’t mentioned that he was pretty sure it was him who’d put Kennedy there.
The ride with Sam to the church felt like a fog. Sam had taken over nearly all the arrangements. It should have been his job. But he just. He just couldn’t seem to keep up with what was happening. Just a few more hours. Then they would be on the train to Arlington.
He followed Sam into the church and was looking for a seat in the back when he felt Sam’s hand on his shoulder. “Buck, do you,” Sam stumbled over his words, “do you want to be a pallbearer?”
“A what?” Bucky’s words sounded hoarse even to him.
“For Steve, do you want to help carry him to the car?” Sam was eyeing him as if he expected a certain answer.
Bucky shrugged.
“Buck, I think he’d want it to be you. But you won’t be alone. I’ll be there. And I asked Stark.” Bucky raised his eyebrows.
“For Howard at least, and they made up in the end.” Bucky paused for a moment, he let Sam’s words wash over him. Then he nodded once. “Yes, its ok for Stark to help or yes you’ll do it?”
“I’ll do it. Who . . .” he trailed off again.
“You, me. Stark, Thor. Steve Dugan, and the kid.”
“Which kid?”
“You know, the spider kid.” Bucky nodded as if he knew what that meant. “Come on, we’re sitting up front.” Bucky opened his mouth to protest, he shouldn’t even be in church after the things he’d done. Let alone in the front. “Come on.” Sam put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and steered him down the aisle.
Afterwards he was grateful to Sam. But the funeral had been worse than all 70 years with Hydra combined. After they’d gotten the coffin into the hearse he’d turned and expected to see Sam there so they could make their way to Arlington for the morning ceremony.
But it wasn’t Sam.
It was Stark.
“Ride with me?” He quipped lightly. Bucky felt his eyes widen. He looked around for Sam. Thor. Anyone except Stark. “I won’t bite. In Siberia, that was. I was surprised, that’s all.” Bucky raised his eyebrows.
“OK fine, I flew off the handle. But it’s been 7 years. I can hold a conversation about it now.” Bucky stared at him. Where was Sam? He looked over his shoulder, he had to be around somewhere right?
There he was, chatting with a family of five. He didn’t seem to see Bucky struggling with Tony over here. Bucky sighed. Well, he was going to have to deal with it eventually. He might as well start with Stark.
“Fine,” he grunted. Tony shot him a cheeky grin and pressed some buttons on his watch. A very tiny car pulled up at the curb. Bucky had to practically bend in half to look through the window. No one was driving. He looked over his shoulder again, Sam was talking to Wanda now. Sam had a lot on his plate. It would be easier on him if Bucky made his own way to Arlington.
“Get in, wanna see how quick we can make it?” Stark was already opening the driver’s side door. Bucky folded himself into the passenger seat, he didn’t fit well in the small car and had to sit nearly face Stark to make sure his vibranium arm didn’t brush against Tony’s shoulder. Surely this car drove fast? The ride couldn’t be that long.
“So, Bucky, can I call you Bucky?” Tony raised his eyebrows. Bucky nodded, he couldn’t quite stand to look at Stark in the eyes. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about Steve. I know you two were,” he paused, “close.” Bucky could feel Stark’s eyes boring into him.
“Don’t you want to keep your eyes on the road?” he managed to choke out.
“Oh, that.” Stark shrugged. “The car does the work. I just have to sit here and look like I’m busy.” Bucky gaped at him. He knew he should apologize. For Howard, for his wife. But he wasn’t even sure how to get started.
“Mr. Stark, I,” he trailed off. He was saved by his ringing phone. He flipped it open to answer. Tony was scoffing in the seat next to him. “Hello?”
“Buck? Where are you? We’ve got to catch the train so we’re in Arlington for tomorrow.” It was Sam.
“Stark, um,” he glanced at Tony, “Tony is giving me a ride.”
“He what!?” Sam was so loud Bucky had to pull the phone away from his ear.
“Let me talk to him.” Bucky glanced up, it was Stark, holding his hand out for Bucky’s phone. Bucky shrugged and handed the phone over.
“Stark?” Bucky’s hearing was sensitive enough that he could hear Sam through the phone.
“Sam? Yeah it’s me.”
“What are you thinking? Bucky’s been practically catatonic all week. First Steve, then the legal stuff, he ran into some protestors on his way back from court. Had to walk by them to get into the church today. And now you whisk him off for some one on one time with the guy who caused us to go on the run for two years and beat him and Steve to pulp?”
“I’m making amends, it’s fine. He understands, don’t you, Buck?” Bucky recoiled at his nickname, but nodded. “See, he says it’s fine.”
“Put Bucky back on.” Stark held the phone out and Bucky took it gingerly in his right hand. “If you want to get out I’ll rent a car and come get you.”
“Sam, it’s fine, really. We have,” he paused, “things to discuss. I’ll see you at the cemetery.” He heard Sam sigh and start to speak again, but Bucky had already flipped the phone shut and put it back into his pocket.
“You know, I can get you an update. No need for anyone to be using a flip phone anymore.” Tony opened his mouth as if to say more but Bucky cut him off.
“What did you want to talk about?” He glanced out the window, they were just merging onto 95 south heading for DC.
“Well, look. It’s like this. I know, that it wasn’t you killing those people. But it was, it was still your body that shot my mom.” Bucky flinched. “Maybe,” Tony’s voice was barely a whisper. “Could you tell me, what it was like for you? It might be, then it might be easier to forgive you.”
Bucky stared straight ahead. He had never talked about his time as the Soldat. Not to Shuri. Not in his letters to Steve. Not during that last night. Tony didn’t say anything else.
They were passing a sign for Philadelphia before Bucky spoke again.
“I remember falling. Off the train. It was cold. I don’t remember hitting the ground. When I woke up,” he paused, his voice barely above a whisper. He shrugged. “I was still me. For a while.” He paused again, editing in his head. “When, when they finalized the Soldat the missions started. Training. Mostly assassinations. A combination of those who were a threat to Hydra and deaths that would sow chaos. Sometimes getting people they wanted into power. I spent time training other assassins. Natalia.” He felt Tony’s eyebrows raise.
“You wanted to do that?”
“Wanted to?” Bucky finally raised his voice. “You think I wanted to be anywhere other than with Steve? It took them 30 years to create the Soldat. My head was put into more machines than you can imagine. If I had known, if my head was . . . I’d have rather died than do what they made me do. And now here I am. And I have to live with it. By myself. Everyday for the rest of my life.” He was gripping the center consul with his left arm so hard it had dents in it. “But I deserve it. I deserve having to live with it. And I remember more, every day.”
He finally turned his haunted eyes toward Stark. “Does that make you feel better?”
He wasn’t surprised when Tony whispered “yes.”
Sam was waiting for him at the entrance gate to Arlington. He didn’t greet Bucky, simple said “Stark said you decided to walk here.”
“I needed to clear my head.” Bucky walked past Sam into the cemetery. He was dressed entirely in black, despite the early summer heat and muggy humidity.
“He told me what ya’ll talked about. He had no right.” Bucky turned on Sam.
“He had every right,” he yelled. Then he whispered “they all do.”
They sat in silence for the ceremony. Bucky stared straight ahead, locking his thoughts up to keep it together. Sam had to grab Bucky’s forearm during the 21-gun salute. The flag was folded, and the president himself gave it to Sam.
“Thank you, sir.” Sam shook the president’s hand and turned to introduce Bucky, but he had already melted away into the crowd. Bucky saw his chance while Sam spoke with the president and melted away into the crowd. It was thirty minutes before Sam was able to find him standing at President Kennedy’s burial site. “Hey, Bucky. You should have this.” He held out the folded flag he was still holding.
Bucky ignored him and tilted his chin toward Kennedy. “I shot him; you know.”
“Yeah, yeah I did. But it wasn’t you.”
“Who was it then?”
Sam didn’t have an answer. They were still standing there, lost in thought ten minutes later when Sam’s phone rang. He glanced at the screen. “It’s Tony.”
“Wilson,” he answered his phone.
“Tell Barnes I talked with the president. If he agrees to therapy and to stay in New York he’s fully pardoned.” Sam didn’t have time to respond before the call ended.
“Did you hear that?”
Bucky nodded.
“Well then, we better get your ass back to New York. Come on.” He turned to leave, pausing twenty feet away to wait for Bucky to follow. Bucky took one long last look at Kennedy’s grave before turning to follow Sam. “Here,” Sam held out the flag again. This time Bucky took it, carefully feeling it with his flesh hand before tucking it safely under his arm and following Sam down the hill towards the car.