March 3, 2024
Bucky shot up from the floor as the gunshot from his dream rang through his ears. He stopped for a moment, taking in his surroundings, only to then remember where he was.
“You’re in Brooklyn,” he muttered, running his hands over his face, trying to remind himself that he was safe.
He sighed and slouched forward, feeling a chill when the cold steel of his dog tags touched his chest. He felt a pull on his hair and regretted that it was still up, meaning there was a headache in his future. He pulled the ponytail out of his hair and put it around his wrist, running his hand through his locks. He glanced up at the TV that he’d forgotten to turn off and reached for the remote to mute it. He needed to think.
He’d been having the same nightmares since he’d met Yori Nakajima, an older man he’d met in a coffee shop a few weeks ago.
They met by accident, and it wasn’t until Bucky had learned Yori’s last name that he first dreamed about what happened to RJ.
RJ, a young man, working overseas ending up in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Bucky shut his eyes and got off the ground, using the couch as support. He’d slept there last night because the bed was too cold.
It will be too cold for the next two years.
As part of his pardon, Bucky had to prove he could live by himself for two years and follow the list of rules Dr. Raynor gave him. He also had to make amends with the people who hurt him, whether they were handlers or people he helped put in power positions.
Bucky suggested, after meeting Yori, that he could maybe make amends with people that he hurt, and though she didn’t think it was required, Dr. Raynor agreed and let him do his own thing. Once they mentioned it to higher-ups, they made him form a list of people to check them off.
It was a worse punishment than prison, Bucky had decided.
He couldn’t talk to any Avengers—though Sam was okay because he now worked with the Air Force. He couldn’t be a part of any missions that weren’t his own.
He couldn’t talk to Steve.
That one hurt the most. Even though Steve had passed the shield to Sam and had retired from avenging, the jury had decided they were too explosive for the world to be friends.
Even though they were much more than that.
After they took his arm, deeming it was ‘too powerful’ and could be used as a weapon, Shuri had fought for him to at least have an arm—one created specifically by her. She managed to convince them, and he was fitted with a new vibranium arm.
Fortunately for him, it was equipped with some unique features that the government didn’t know about, but Shuri made sure he did. He opened up the palm of his hand and found the groove that did what he was looking for.
Once he popped the plate open, the kimoyo bead came out, and the hologram showed the list of contacts he was able to call. He was grateful that Shuri reached out to everyone and gave them a bead, specifically so Bucky could call them. It was times like this he missed her. He’d call her soon.
He went through his contacts and stared at Steve’s name, figuring it wasn’t too late to call him. He had answered every other night.
He clicked on Steve’s name, and he waited while it connected. Seconds later, Steve’s face appeared in his hand, and the technology was still crazy for Bucky to understand, even though he’d been used to it. Steve looked tired and disheveled, and Bucky remembered his own appearance, too, quickly shoving his long hair behind the ears.
“You alright?” Steve whispered in lieu of a greeting.
“Yeah,” Bucky said back, walking into the kitchen. “Just checking in.”
Steve was silent for a moment, eyebrows raising.
“At 2:47 in the morning?”
Bucky glanced at his stove clock and silently cursed.
“You having nightmares again?” Steve asked.
“Yeah,” Bucky huffed.
“The same one?”
“Yeah.”
Steve sighed. “You know what I’m gonna tell you.”
“I can’t do it, Steve,” Bucky said. “You know I can’t.”
“It will help,” Steve insisted calmly, eyes almost pleading. “It worked before; it might work again.”
“I can’t tell him, Steve. It’ll crush him,” Bucky said. “And I’ll lose the first friend I made in seventy years.”
Steve sighed again.
“Listen,” Steve said after a minute. “I know you think it won’t help, but it will.”
Bucky started to interject, but Steve went on.
“It worked years ago, remember? With Tesla?” Bucky tried not to wince visibly, but Steve saw him anyway. “She needed closure to move on from what happened with her dad, and you gave it to her. She’s moved on—she works for the CIA again—and that’s all because of you.”
“I ruined her life, Steve,” Bucky interrupted. “She grew up without a father because of me.”
“Because of what they made you do,” Steve corrected, and Bucky saw the determination in Steve’s eyes. “She understood that after we explained it, after we gave her evidence. And she didn’t trust us before that. Yori has your trust right now.”
“Yeah, and if I tell him, I’ll break that trust.”
“Not necessarily,” Steve said. “It means he already trusts you; he knows you’re a good guy. If you explain the details, you explain what you went through, he won’t be mad.”
“You don’t know that,” Bucky said, avoiding Steve’s eyes.
“Neither do you.”
Bucky didn’t say anything to that.
“It will give you both closure,” Steve finally said. “You can apologize, and Yori will know what happened to his son. Isn’t that what you both want?”
Bucky hummed in confirmation.
“Then do it,” Steve said. “I know you can. And if he decides he doesn’t want to be friends, you can’t blame him—but you can’t blame yourself either.”
“I know,” Bucky said, running a hand through his hair.
“Let’s change the subject,” Steve said. “I don’t want to lecture all night.”
“Why not?” Bucky asked. “I gave you enough lectures.”
“That means I know they feel, and let me tell you, they don’t feel great.”
They both chuckled on the phone before sobering up and waiting for the other one to speak. Neither seemed to want to start, and Bucky lightly laughed, which made Steve smile.
“You have a session with Dr. Raynor tomorrow?” Steve asked.
“Yeah.”
“What are you gonna talk about this week?”
“Probably the stuff with Senator Atwood,” Bucky said. “That stuff about her is in the news, so she probably already knows about it.”
“Well, that’s good,” Steve mumbled. “Does she still think you’re not talking to Sam?”
“I’m not talking to Sam,” Bucky lied.
“Y’know, I already know you two are friends,” Steve said with a scanty smile on his face. “I don’t know why you continue to lie about it.”
“I’m not lying,” Bucky said innocently.
“Hmm,” Steve hummed. “I’ll drop it. You hear about his conference in DC? For the Smithsonian?”
“Yeah,” Bucky said, moving to sit at the dining table. “I remember reading about it.”
Sam had told him when they spoke yesterday.
“I can’t believe he’s giving it up,” Steve said. Bucky could hear the disappointment in his tone.
“It’s a big responsibility, Steve,” Bucky reminded him, trying to look in his eyes; Steve was avoiding them. “Even you couldn’t handle it at times. It’s a lot to live up to.”
“Yeah,” Steve muttered. “I just hope he doesn’t think I’m disappointed.”
“He does.” Bucky watched Steve groan. “But he knows you’re not mad at him. Disappointment is different from anger.”
Steve hummed again. “Did you tell him that?”
“Maybe,” Bucky spoke, and he watched Steve and listened to his small chuckles.
“I miss you, you jerk,” Steve admitted.
“You think I don’t, punk?” Bucky asked.
They both breathed for a minute, and Bucky was about to fall asleep.
He must’ve said that out loud because Steve asked, “Did you sleep on the floor again?”
“Yeah,” Bucky had no choice but to admit. Steve already knew; he did it too.
“Only one year, nine months, and four days till we can sleep in the same bed again.”
“I can’t believe you’re still keeping count,” Bucky said.
“It’s the only way I know what day it is,” Steve confessed quietly.
Bucky silently agreed, but they both didn’t speak about that.
“I think we both need to go to bed,” Bucky mumbled sleepily.
“Yeah,” Steve said through a yawn. “Will you stay on?”
“Sure,” Bucky said. “Don’t leave till I wake up.”
“I know the drill.”
Bucky chuckled and got up, carrying out his palm that still held Steve’s face, though Bucky could see his lover’s eyes drooping. He turned the TV off and grabbed his blanket off the floor, then made his way to the bedroom.
He got situated in bed, said, “Goodnight,” and looked at Steve to say it back.
All he saw were Steve’s closed eyes, and he listened to his calming breath, obviously sleeping. Bucky chuckled before following suit.