Amends
Bucky hadn’t known what to expect watching an animated children’s musical. But the tears that threatened to roll down his face took him totally off guard. If Y/N noticed anything, she didn’t say anything. The clock on the mantle read 12:55, and it made him blink in disbelief. How long had that movie been?
Y/N was dead on her feet, barely saying anything as she shuffled to the kitchen to put the spoons in the sink. With a yawn, she pointed to the stairwell, “Let me show you to your room.” Wordlessly, they ambled up the stairs and down to the end of the hall. The door was open already, and she flipped the switch on.
It took him almost a full minute to process what he was seeing. This room wasn’t the guest room he’d stayed in the last time he was here. With the addition of fairy lights and some craft supplies, Y/N’s bedroom was exactly the way he remembered it.
She cleared her throat. “I moved into the master after you left. Dad and Uncle Phil weren’t coming back, and I couldn’t really stand to be in here anymore.”
Guilt washed through him. “I could have slept on the couch, you didn’t have to--”
“Your nightmares wouldn’t be as bad when you slept in here. Just thought it would help. If you still had them.”
His nightmares? She was thinking of his nightmares, even after all that had happened? Bucky didn’t say anything. He didn’t think she realized that the reason his nightmares abated was who he slept beside, not the room.
“All right,” she said, “I’m going to bed. I only have a few hours until I have to take Steve to the airport, so…”
Her voice trailed off and he replied, “Good night. See you in the morning?”
“You know me. Bright eyed and bushy tailed.”
Sleep that night was as fitful as ever. But the nightmares didn’t come. It was bizarre, feeling physically restless, but with a sense of calm he hadn’t felt since Wakanda. He managed to even get a few hours in before dawn came.
Steve was already up and drinking his coffee. He passed a mug to Bucky. “I see you’re still alive.”
“Yeah, it would seem so.”
“You guys were up pretty late, it sounded like. Talk any?”
Bucky shook his head, taking a long sip. “Not really. Got to see that Frozen movie though.”
Steve shrugged, putting a bagel in the toaster and crossing his arms. “I’m sure she’ll come around, Buck. She’s in kind of a weird place right now.”
He wanted to press more into what Steve meant, but he restrained himself. All signs pointed to Steve’s and Y/N’s relationship being platonic, but it still didn’t make sense that they were living together, that he even knew she existed. And Bucky wasn’t sure he was ready for the answer.
He and Steve talked for a while more before the shuttle came for the airport. According to Steve, it was wiser to let Y/N sleep if she was supposed to hold to her promise of not killing Bucky. Steve hugged him again, and said he’d call to check in on him before leaving.
It was almost nine when Y/N finally came down. Bucky was on his third cup of coffee, bouncing out of his seat from the anticipation of seeing her. He poured her a cup as soon as she was in sight. “Good morning.”
She took the mug from him, a suspicious look on her face. “Morning. Did Steve show you where the good creamer is?” She took a bottle of some vanilla oat milk concoction out of the fridge and it made him chuckle.
“No, thank you. Black was fine.”
Y/N rolled her eyes, “That’s right, I forgot you’re both super senior citizens.” She took a carton of eggs out, yawning. “Scrambled okay? I’m a little out of it.”
He smiled in spite of himself, “Scrambled is perfect.”
As the eggs cooked, neither one of them said very much until finally Bucky couldn’t stand it anymore. “Listen, I meant what I was saying before you tackled me last night. I’m here to make amends, as Bucky. Not the Winter Soldier. And I don’t know how much you know but--”
“I know you tried to kill my father, Buck.” She poured them both a glass of apple juice. “He told me. Before he went dark.”
Somehow, this was worse than being punched. “I--shit. He told you?” What the hell was he supposed to say to that?
She nodded. “Of course, when he told me, I never expected to meet the Winter Soldier. And it was clear that you had no idea who I was when you stumbled through here.”
“Wait a second, you’re telling me that you knew the Winter Soldier had tried to kill Nick Fury when we met? You let me into your house, into your life?” The insanity of that claim couldn’t quite sink in.
“If you were going to kill me, why didn’t you do it in Romania?” There was no anger in her voice, only calm. While he’d spilled to Steve last night, Bucky had never told anyone else about Romania. Especially not her.
Bucky began slowly. “How do you know about Romania?”
“Your instincts aren’t wrong, I didn’t know about Romania when I took you in. You could have killed me. But my dad also told me what they’d done to you. And seeing you half dead at the end of my driveway, I couldn’t just leave you there.”
She’d avoided his question, and they both knew it. Why? What could she have to gain by not answering? “I caused a lot of pain as the Winter Soldier. And I regret all of it. But your pain, the pain you felt in losing your father? I’ve spent every moment since I left thinking about how I was going to make that right.”
She scoffed, “My father adopted me knowing damn well he was a spy. That he was the spy. He’s as much to blame for my situation as Hydra is. Of everyone, you’re the only one as innocent as I am. That was until you left me.”
The pain in Y/N’s voice was like a punch to his gut. Never had he considered that he could hurt her in the way that he did simply by leaving. He thought he was protecting her.
“I’ve done a lot in my life that I regret. But hurting you is what haunts me most. Christ, I don’t even know what to say.” He set down his fork. “I, I should go. I’m sorry I came.”
Bucky regretted the words as soon as he said them, but the damage was done, it was all over her face. Apparently being James Barnes didn’t keep him from destroying everything he touched.
As soon as he reached the back door of the kitchen, everything went black.