Maya walked with Ben and Pru back up to the daycare. Warren signed Pru back into daycare and they both headed back downstairs, the lockdown had been lifted and the monster who ran into the doctors had been arrested, and Maya bitterly hoped that he rots in hell for his actions.
“We should probably get back to the station,” Ben said reluctantly, “see if we still have jobs.”
“Least you have a viable back up,” Maya remarks, gesturing around the hospital, “go back to being Dr. Warren.”
“Yea, I’m not sure,” Ben says, “I would want to come back to the hospital full time.”
“You’d already be here, if something like this happens again,” Maya says darkly, “who does that? Run over doctors? How sick is that? Pro-lifers are only pro-lifers for the unborn, but to hell with the already living. Carina is always saying that abortions account for like half a percent of procedures she performs. Running over a pregnant doctor, how did they justify this in their twisted little brains.”
Ben is quiet, having seen Miranda he is far more willing to listen to Maya’s angry rant about the heinousness of this. He was worried when Miranda first started the clinic, he hated himself for it, but he was. He’d heard stories from former colleagues, and he still remembers hearing from a buddy from LA from his residency, another friend had been killed outside of a clinic. And now something had happened at the clinic, he didn’t know how he would be able to accept the risk that Miranda was taking by working in the clinic. He knew he has to, because Miranda not working at the clinic was a non-starter, but he didn’t know how be okay with this happening again.
“Let the chief know I’ll be back about 8,” Maya had been saying when Ben began listening to her again.
“What?” Ben asks pulling himself fully from his thoughts.
“I’m gonna stay until Carina gets off,” Maya said in a way that gave Ben the feeling she had said it once before.
“She’s okay, Maya,” Ben reassures her.
“I know, I just… I feel like I gotta stay, just til she gets off. In case she needs something. I know she and I aren’t exactly in a good place, but I just want to be here,” Maya says knowing she isn’t explaining herself well at all.
“I’ll let Chief Ross know,” Ben says accepting Maya’s terrible explanation and he turns to begin making his way back to the station.
Maya headed towards the OB floor, and headed to the waiting area, she could see Carina’s office and would see if Carina left. She would also be out of the way and would be keeping her distance so that Carina could do her job without distraction. Maya was so lost in thought about how she could have lost Carina today and they would never found their way back to each other. Someone lightly kicked the chair she was sitting in bringing her out of her thoughts to see Dr. Bailey who was holding Pru and
“Yea, uh, I just…” Maya trailed off not sure how to finish her sentence and wasn’t sure she wanted to with Dr. Bailey as an audience. Maya was thinking that she really should have left with Warren when she had seen Carina was okay, to give Carina the option to not see her if she didn’t want to.
"Is Ben still here,” Dr. Bailey asks breaking the awkward silence.
“No, he went back to the station,” Maya says, “didn’t wanna be in the way, I think.”
“I think I’ll stop by the station before heading home,” Dr. Bailey says, and turns to Pru, “I think Ben could use more magic cuddles, what you think baby girl?”
“Yea! Uncle Jack too!” Pru calls out.
“Yea we’ll see Uncle Jack too,” Dr. Bailey agrees, “I think 19 could use some Pru time as I do after today.”
“Yea for sure,” Maya agrees and Carina and Maya watch Dr. Bailey leave.
“You’re still here,” Carina says again when they are alone.
“I just wanted to make sure that you got to the hotel okay, or I guess your car. After today you probably want more creature comforts if you wanted to stay at the apartment. I’ll stay with Andy or something. How can I make today a little less awful?” Maya rambles.
“You’re still on shift?” Carina asks, noticing Maya was still in her uniform.
“Uh, yea, but when I heard about all this, I just had to see you. Make sure you weren’t the one… I ran into Warren as we got to the entrance, had the same idea running over here. I would have gotten here sooner, but I was on a call when we all found out and I had to be a first responder first, but after I just had to make sure you were okay. I know we have been mostly texting and re-getting to know each other. And I know that you wanted space, this wasn’t normal, and I just had to be sure. I can do better respecting your wishes.”
Carina watched as Maya rambled, she was struck at the idea that it was the second time in as many weeks that Maya had left work because she thought Carina might need her. It warmed her to see this Maya again and she admits, “I still don’t know how to process what I saw.” Carina sits down and Maya follows suit.
“It’s sick, depraved. I heard that they caught the guy,” Maya tells her.
“Good, I hope he gets what’s coming to him. A woman is upstairs fighting for her life, and I had to do a C on a 28-week baby, he is a fighter, but that monster could end up killing two people,” Carina says, and she lowers her head to Maya’s shoulder and relaxes. They sit in silence with Maya rubbing soothing circles on her arm.
Carina drew comfort from Maya, she thought about what Diane had said about talking to Maya about what she wanted and what in the after would look like them would look like. That she needed to tell Maya what she wanted, and they could go from there.
Breathing deeply Carina pushed that aside and asked what she thought would be a safer topic, “why would the station need a Pru sighting? Was your call rough?”
“Oh, no. This call was… easy enough I guess, if the patient had forgotten about her damn phone, it would have been much easier. Pru would be a good distraction. Because… and I… and there was…” Maya stopped and started.
“Maya, you’re not making sentences,” Carina chuckles despite already knowing that whatever is going on at 19 wouldn’t be good.
"God, can we go somewhere?” Maya asks, “or better yet, let’s put a pin in this. No, you need to know. I don’t want you to find out from anyone other than me. And then you’ll know.”
Carina felt a pit in her stomach, thinking something horrible must have happened. But she stood and held her hand out to Maya, who took it like a lifeline. Carina led them to a never used outside stairwell.
When they got outside Maya let go of her hand and looked over the rail took a deep breath and began, “I fucked everything up. I’m a monster and…”
“Maya that’s,” Carina interrupts.
“No, I am,” Maya rushes out, “my actions. My actions, I might have been messed up. Really messed up, but it’s still my fault. If I hadn’t…”
“What happened, Maya?” Carina asks gently.
“My actions led to the death of a firefighter at 88. I gave Beckett a bottle a couple of weeks after that argument on the roof,” Maya admits and covered her face with her hands and continues, “giving him the bottle, I knew he might drink it. And I just thought I would win. If he drank it, I would win and instead, the disgust about what I did. I can’t believe I did it. Someone is dead because I gave him a bottle. Last shift, Beckett was not right, drunk maybe, but Sullivan thinks it was more of a death wish. I don’t know, but Andy took over the call and well all of us on the call are on notice. There was a munity and well I guess I’ll find out when I get back to the station what is gonna happen. Maybe another demotion is what I deserve, none of this would happen if I hadn’t… so now you know. I took a torpedo to everything I care about. If the job isn’t there tomorrow, I’ll figure something out. But if I have ruined us forever, I don’t know.” Maya forces herself to stop talking and she continues to look out over the rail sure that if she turns around, she will see the disgust she feels mirrored on Carina’s face and she wasn’t ready to see it.
Carina wasn’t sure what to say, she knew Maya had been in a terrible place before she landed in the hospital, but she couldn’t imagine Maya doing something so vindictive and dangerous. She is horrified about what she heard, but as awful as what Maya did, she didn’t force Beckett to drink. That part of the story isn’t on Maya. She thinks again about how Diane had let slip that Maya was still seeing her for them, not the department.
Carina voices something after several minutes, “you left in the middle of a shift that might decide your career.”
Maya turns slightly, “you were in danger.”
“And you left mid shift,” Carina repeats.
“I just had to know you were okay,” Maya says again.
This is her Maya, her Bambina, she thinks she is ready to begin talking, to repair their marriage, “walk me to my car, Bambina, I’ll stay at home tonight and tomorrow we’ll talk. Really talk. We will figure out how to get back to being us.”
Maya face is a wave of surprise, “you want to talk still? Be married to me after what I did?”
“I do,” Carina says, “and we’ll talk about everything.”
Maya nods and they walk silently to Carina’s car, Maya opens the door and Carina slides in. Maya closes the door.
Carina lowers the window, “be safe on your shift. I’ll see you at home.”
“See you at home,” Maya agrees.