YOU ARE STEVEN UNIVERSE.
YOU ARE HIS RADIANCE, ASTERIA DIAMOND- SON OF THE ROSE, SONG OF MERCY, END OF ERAS, SUNEATER.
YES, LEGALLY.
Your friends and family can call you STEVEN. (Lately, AZ is becoming a popular alternative.)
You are STEVEN, you are an ARTIFICIAL ALIEN CONSCIOUSNESS, you are UNFATHOMABLY ANCIENT, YET SOMEHOW ALSO IN YOUR EARLY 20s, and you are a FATHER.
YOU HAVE SO MANY KIDS.
YOU HAVE LOST COUNT.
IN THE TIME IT’S TAKEN FOR YOU TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS, YOU MAY HAVE GOTTEN 112 MORE.
(... That may actually be a bit of a conservative estimate, all things considered.)
Listen.
Listen, the thing you gotta understand about the GEM EMPIRE (GEMPIRE, if you will) is that it’s less of a MORTALLY COMPRENSIBLE GOVERNMENT and more of an EXTENDED FAMILY WITH EXTRA STEPS AND A SIDE OF DEMOCRACY.
Y’all don’t even do taxes! You barely even know what money is!
Well, the OLD ERA GEMPIRE was definitely a government, and not even a good one. Good thing you fixed that!
Things are so terribly efficient these days.
You are so efficient.
You are a DIAMOND. Every person under your banner is your child, and you’re meant to love them all equally. WHICH YOU TOTALLY DO. You just happen to have a more personal investment in a few of them.
AND YOU HAVE SO MANY KIDS, SOME OF WHICH YOU EVEN RAISE.
Such as MORION VAIRAM MAHESWARAN- you know, the VAGUELY TODDLER AGED TELEPORTING CHILD who’s trying to rob the rich right now.
Your son is a criminal and you love him very much. (You aren’t even surprised that he has turned to crime at such a young age, considering the OTHER SONS.)
Counting VAIRAM, you have FOUR SONS, one of which is a lion. (Another one is a cactus!)
And sure, only one of those sons can be considered biologically related to you, but you are LITERALLY AN ALIEN SUPERCOMPUTER. It’s safe to assume you don’t care about things like genetics.
(Things are a bit tricky at the moment with said NEBULOUSLY BIOLOGICAL SON. For starters, he seems to be a bit terrified of even admitting the relationship between you two except by complete accident.)
(And that’s okay. CONNOR’S been through alot! You are ready to be there when he is ready.)
But back to the matter at hand. VAIRAM, the child you brought with you to this particular NORTHWEST FEST, is still committing crimes. By observation, these CRIMES involve the CLANDESTINE THEFT of WEALTH and PRIVATE POSSESSIONS.
Mm. Yes.
THEFT. WEALTH. MONEY.
Concepts that you, ALIEN SUPERCOMPUTER FROM A NON-MONETARY SOCIETY, totally understand, absorb, and care about.
...Well, other people care about them, such as THE WEALTHY, and it wouldn’t be very nice to upset them just because you personally don’t attach worth to these concepts.
At least he’s just stealing the oddly shaped shiny things on the shelves! Good for the BONEMARKET. (You’re not sure what the human rich have them for. They'll be a fantastic resource within the milling market plaza.)
REGARDLESS OF YOUR PERSONAL OPINIONS, you should probably do some DAMAGE CONTROL here and stop this rampant piracy before things get out of hand.
You wouldn’t want to teach your son to be impolite. That simply could not be, he was to be a RESPECTABLE MEMBER OF SOCIETY. (OR AT LEAST A FUN MEMBER. RUDENESS ISN'T FUN.)
>[GRAB YOUR CHILD TO STOP HIM FROM SCURRYING AROUND. HE IS SMALL AND EASY TO HOLD.]
>[TRY TO EXPLAIN THE CONCEPT OF PRIVATE PROPERTY TO A TODDLER. THIS CAN ONLY GO WELL.]
>[ASK YOUR WIFE TO WRANGLE THE CHILD. IT’S A LOVELY EXCUSE FOR THEM TO BOND.]
>[... DO YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT SHINY DISTRACTER ON HAND?]