YOU ARE STANLEY PINES.
We’re allowed to say that legally, right?
Right. Of course.
YOU ARE STANLEY PINES- your fake identities, many. Your petty crimes- uncountable.
You have, BY SHEER COSMIC ACCIDENT, ended up as a guest for the upcoming NORTHWEST FEST, which is apparently about to imminently be GHOST HAUNTED.
That unfortunately means that many of your plans of HARMLESSLY ROBBING THE RICH are going to have to take a backseat in favor of PUBLIC SAFETY FROM THE SUPERNATURAL, but whatever. It’s been a little too long since the last incident of GHOST RELATED FUCKERY.
GOOD.
IT WAS GETTING A LITTLE CHUMMY AROUND HERE.
>[READ THE INVITATION.]
You have been invited to
The 150th Northwest Fest!
Since its grand opening in 1862, the annual Northwest Fest, hosted by the Northwest family, has prided itself for hosting a diverse collection of the most influential and powerful people of the modern age.
In recognition of your status, you are invited to engage in the company of other persons of your rare caliber while experiencing the unique, exclusive hospitality of the Northwest ancestral estate.
Our hospitality includes personalized gifts and greetings, a complementary guestbook, personal chauffeurs to and from the event, as well as lodgings for both you and your chosen guests and/or attendants in our plentiful estate.
Dinner shall be served at 9.
RSVP promptly.
The Northwests are expecting you.
SWEET FUCKING MOSES. What a bunch of PRETENTIOUS BULLSHIT. It's downright creepy how condescending all these words are.
Keep reading.
It’s almost funny how shitty it all is.
Itinerary
Your personal attendants and belongings, if you so choose, shall arrive on site at 4 o’ clock to arrange for your arrival, or as early in advance as required.
Your pickup, if you choose to use our chauffeurs, shall be arranged after your RSVP. The event shall open at 5 o’ clock.
Drinks and hors d'oeuvres shall be available promptly. A buffet table shall be made available one half hour after the event opens.
Your menu is included with your invitation and should be sent along with your RSVP. A full course dinner shall be catered and served by our in-house staff to your specifications, to be served at 9 o’clock precisely, opened by a word from the Northwest family.
If you must leave early, notify the attendants and your transportation shall take you through the back entrance. Otherwise, your designated lodgings shall be revealed to you after dinner or at your request.
You are freely encouraged to explore the full estate and its many amenities throughout the night and be serviced in whatever you engage with.
Room service shall be available throughout the night and morning thereafter. If you are unavailable for further leisure, you shall depart from the estate at 11 o’ clock the following morning.
RSVP
Please submit your signature and full guestlist with your RSVP, as well as your photos for the complementary guestbook.
IF YOU SO CHOOSE. Ew.
...5:00, eh? That would explain why you and THE GANG are showing up so early.
Currently, it’s 1:45 PRECISELY. You will be leaving for the NORTHWEST MANOR at around 2:00, and 2:30 at the latest. What are you going to do with the rest of your time?
>[IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE IN THIS RICH PERSON ENVELOPE?]
>[CHECK ON YOUR BROTHER. ODDS ARE, HE STILL DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO TIE A DAMN TIE.]
>[MAKE SURE YOU HAVE ALL YOUR EQUIPMENT. GOD KNOWS SOME IDIOT (PROBABLY YOU, QUITE HONESTLY) WILL FORGET SOMETHING.]
>[PICK OUT SOME POCKET FRIENDLY GUNS. YOU TRUST NO ONE, AND MAY NEED THEM IN THE FUTURE.]