YOU ARE WADDLES. OINK.
You are WADDLES, you are a PERFECTLY SHINING 15 POUND SPECIMEN of Sus scrofa domesticus, and you are a LITTLE PIGGY, going wherever he can shine the light of knowledge into the darkness of the ignorance.
HOW UTTERLY ADORABLE.
You are WADDLES, and you love your RESIDENT HUMANS very dearly in a SCIENTIFICALLY UNBIASED WAY.
(This is a lie. You love MABEL slightly more by a negligible decimal percentage higher than the others. She gives the best belly rubs and gets you those fancy suits you like. And also feeds you very good POTATOES.)
(YUMMY YUMMY, FOR YOUR LITTLE FAT PIG TUMMY.)
It is rare to meet strangers in the RESIDENCE. There is a NON-RESIDENCE AREA where STANLEY and SOOS often commit VARIOUS MONETARY CRIMES FOR STRANGERS, which is an outlier and therefore does not count. But this, this STRANGE HOODED CHILD, she seems somehow familiar to you.
She does smell like MABEL. Just a bit. MYSTERIES UPON MYSTERIES.
You would open the door like a polite host, but your ADORABLE PIGGY HOOVES are incapable of fine dexterity and SOOS has not yet installed the special ROPE APPARATUS that will let you independently open doors WITH YOUR MOUTH. So, instead, you must do things the old-fashioned way.
The PORCHGOERS jump at the loud bang on the door, and their alarm continues to rise as the door creaks open. SOOS had shown DIPPER the WAY OF THE VENDING MACHINE- by simple extrapolation from watching that demonstration, this little pig harnessed the power to pop open non-locked doors.
The two SCIENTISTS on the porch couch may or may not have said some RADIO UNFRIENDLY LANGUAGE upon noticing your feat.
You pay no mind because you are an adorable little piggy man.
AND ABOVE ALL, AN EXCELLENT HOST.
“Welcome to my abode,” You greet- at least, you would, if your PORCINE VOCAL CHORDS were capable of the INTRICACIES of HUMAN LANGUAGE. Instead you hope a POINTED AND AMICABLE OINK will suffice.
“Why am I not even surprised?” THE CHILD mutters, shaking her head. “If Mabel can make a sweater in literally ten minutes, I’m sure she can teach a pig to open doors.”
This was obviously an incorrect case of correlation vs causation, but being the POLITE PIGGY YOU ARE, you do not point out the factual blunder.
Besides, it was clearly a compliment to MABEL. She is a VERY GOOD GIRL and deserves all the compliments. You decide you like this stranger, as she clearly makes up for any issues with her assumptive abilities with GOOD TASTE.
If you could talk, you would perhaps ENTERTAIN your guest with FASCINATING CONVERSATION, such as concerning your ongoing publication A BRIEF HISTORY OF OINK OINK OINK OINK OINK, co-written with your good friend SHMEBULOCK. (His eye for historical analysis was unparalleled, and you were proud to put his name beside yours.)
But the greatest quality of an EXCELLENT HOST is knowing when you aren’t able to fulfill the needs of your guests. She smells NERVOUS, in a way clearly indicating some ULTERIOR MOTIVE for her arrival, so it would be best to find someone who can properly attend to her concerns.
DIPPER would be good. He was downstairs in THE LAB, where you had once completed the infamous What-The-Heck-A-Hedron and invented VOICE TROLLEY 1.0.
(VOICE TROLLEY 1.0 is currently dismantled after the POTATO WAR INCIDENT. Repairs and upgrades pending.)
“Come,” you oink at THE CHILD, scuffing one of your hooves against the wood grain of the porch. “I shall show you to someone who better suits your purposes.” You trot back inside, glancing over your shoulder and snorting at her when she doesn’t follow.
“... I think that piggy ‘der wants you ta go with him,” FIDDLEFORD awkwardly fills in after a few moments of staring at one another.
“Uuuh… alright then.”
The MYSTERIOUS STRANGER follows you into the house with apprehension and a dash of unfamiliarity. Clearly, she is not used to the CHAOTIC MAJESTY of the MYSTERY SHACK. (MABEL will soon teach her. If anyone can learn to appreciate the CHAOS QUEEN, they shall learn to appreciate her court.)
You headbutt the HIDDEN DOOR behind the counter, looking back to the STRANGER. Unfortunately, alongside DOOR-RELATED DIFFICULTIES, your little hooves proved to be insufficient to press the necessary combination code, so you were unable to open it for her.
“I don’t need a snack, Waddles.”
Ah! She knows your name! AN INTERESTING DEVELOPMENT. Perhaps she had already read your book? Could she be a fan?
But alas, an EXCELLENT HOST cannot waste time talking about himself. Like any good scientist, you must find an ALTERNATE SOLUTION to achieve your goals.
>[ATTEMPT TO WORK YOUR MAGIC ON THE DOOR. PERHAPS IT WILL WORK BETTER THE FOURTH TIME.]
>[TRY TO TELL PACIFICA THE COMBINATION CODE SOMEHOW. PERHAPS A SONG IS IN ORDER?]
>[BARK UNTIL DIPPER COMES OUT OF THE LAB. BARKING IS ONE OF THE KNOWN PROPERTIES OF THE PIG. (AND SINCE THE LAST BEDAZZLING RAID, HE HAS LEARNED TO LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOU SPEAK.)]