YOU ARE STANFORD PINES.
You are DOCTOR STANFORD FILBRICK PINES, PhD, PhD, PhD, etc.
YOU JUST HAVE A LOT OF PhDs. TWELVE OF THEM, IN FACT.
You are STANFORD PINES, you are 57 YEARS OLD, and you are about to MURDER your BEST FRIEND, preferably with a NONDESCRIPT AND BLUNT PRECISION TOOL, for his COUNTLESS CRIMES AGAINST SCIENCE.
A pretty average Monday, all things considering.
Your BEST FRIEND (not to be confused with your TWIN BROTHER, a statistical outlier that does not count) has hidden a crucial piece of DATA from you.
He has for over this last month been harboring EXPERIMENT #210. (Well, that’s just the technical name. You and your FRIEND named the little man AINSEL, last you can recall.)
This would be fine, potentially, considering how AINSEL is basically yours and your friend’s SCIENCE SON. There is, though, the minor detail about how AINSEL tried to VICIOUSLY STEAL YOUR FACE THAT ONE TIME.
Yikes. Oofers. Not ideal.
YOUR GOOD FRIEND FIDDLEFORD is not an idiot. You know that. If he thinks AINSEL has CHILLED THE FUCK OUT, you are inclined to believe him. You can even understand why he hasn’t re-introduced you two! You were, back then, a bit of a PARANOID BASTARD, if you do say so yourself.
(Not that anyone else said that. Why? Did you hear something? WHO SAID THAT. WHO KNOWS. WHO DO YOU HAVE TO KILL.)
...Sweet Moses. THAT WAS VIOLENT. You’re a bit more easily distracted these days, aren’t you?
BESIDES THE POINT.
YOUR SCIENCE SON.
YOU MUST FIND HIM. IT IS CRUCIAL.
You enter the SPOOKY VINTAGE ELEVATOR and leave the 3RD LEVEL BASEMENT. You exit the VENDING MACHINE that your TWIN BROTHER decided was a great way to hide said elevator. (He’s right, of course, but GOD FORBID YOU ADMIT IT.)
Grab some CHAAAAPS while you’re at it. You deserve it. You hunger.
Your friend FIDDLEFORD is on the PORCH COUCH, holding a SUSPICIOUSLY WHITE BALL PYTHON and smiling with CASUAL PANIC.
>[“Greetings.” ] (NEUTRAL) (PERFECTLY RATIONAL)
>[“Fiddleford. Fidds. Buddy chum pal friend brother amigo. Why the fuck do you do this to me?”] (FRIENDLY AND INQUISITIVE) (PROBABLY NOT ACCUSATORY)
>[“I know you’re there, Ainsel.”] (STRAIGHT TO THE POINT) (WHO NEEDS SOCIAL PLEASANTRY)
>[“I’m divorcing you.”] (ALARMINGLY HUMOROUS) (FOR LEGAL REASONS, THIS IS A JOKE) (HAHA, UNLESS…?)