A SOLDIER'S WORTH
When I opened my eyes,first thing I saw was Steve.
I was wearing a hospital gown, tubes coming in and out my body. My reflexes were rather slowed down,i must have been dragged;
gauzes,stitches,bruises,i had them all.
Steve was wearing normal clothes,sat down on a chair next to my bed,barely any bruises on his face; he had his hand on my arm,gently brushing it as he leaned closer,a warm smile on his face.
“Hey”,he seemed nervous,then somehow relaxed on the next second. “Hey..”
“Hey...you're..okay”,i tried to chuckle,though my stomach ached too much.
“Yeah..”,he chuckled for a second. “Thanks to you I imagine”
I furrowed my brows,my head tilted.
“I'm not the one who pulled you out that river”,i said and his lips parted for a second,his eyes deep in confusion.
“Then who...-”
“Bucky. Bucky did”,my words made his brows lift up,his grip on me now tighter. “He saved me from cracking my skull open and got you out of that river”
“I..see”,he said in a low voice,now leaning back to his chair.
“Hey..”,i tried lifting my body,though I flinched.
Steve got up,helped me adjust my pillow,then sat on the bed,next to me.
“I tried to get him to stay. I did,really”,i tried to explain myself,fearing he might be angry at me.
Steve cupped my cheek with his hand,the other on my arm.
“It's fine,Pers,don't worry. I'm just glad you're okay really”,he put on a half smile and I let go of a breath I held in for way too long.
“By the way...”,he then said, “what do you mean he saved you from cracking your skull open?”,his brows were knitted together and I pursed my lips.
“I..um..i kinda jumped off the carrier,trying to find you,but...i was too fucked up to get any flames out so...”
“You jumped out of the jet- you...”,his voice was strict and loud,his brows knitted together even more than before. “Why the hell did you jump out if you had no fires?”
“Because you did!”,i shouted back,Steve's face relaxing at my words. “You just stood there,doing nothing as he punched you again and again and then..you fell,Steve. You..you fell down”,my voice became fainter towards the end,cracking and raw.
He brushed my cheek with his thumb,his smile faint yet soft. He planted a warm kiss on my forehead,then leaned back again.
“Well,i had my best girl with me”,he said with a smile,his voice deep and low.
I looked at him,my face melting in his palm. I bit my lips.
I leaned in,ready to kiss him when we heard a coughing.
Steve and I both turned to see Tasha,leaned in the door frame. I pursed my lips downwards.
“You really should have come sooner Pers”,she hummed as she came in,sitting down in Steve's chair as he was now on my bed.
I sighed,leaning back on my pillow.
“So..what'd I miss Tasha?”
“Mm,let's see...”,she pursed her lips,tilting her head as she spoke, “We got no words on Rumlow...”
I clicked my tongue,my nose getting wrinkled upon hearing his name. Steve nodded to me,mouthing an “it's okay”,and so I sighed.
“We're really pretty much scattered all around the place; some retired,some hunting down what's left of HYDRA...it's mayhem”
“What about you?”,i asked her,my brows furrowed.
She sighed,leaning back on her chair; she shook her head before speaking. “I still got things to take care of. Getting everything out..i got compromised. There's still shit I need to fix about that”
“So..”,i shook my head lightly,”i guess that..as of now we're unemployed”
“Very much so,yes”,she smiled,her hands tied together. “Hill went to work for Stark. I'm guessing Tony has an open spot for you too,if only you ask”
I bit my lip,then looked over at Steve,whom I thought was avoiding my gaze.
“What about you?”,i pointed at him with my face.
“You know what I have to do Pers..”
“Aight..then that's what ima do too”,i said with a forced smile.
It wasn't really ideal; I really liked the idea of a vacation but..who am I kidding here. I wouldn't even be able to stand it,not for too long. I long for a battle. For the hunt down. I can't help myself.
“You don't need to”,he said,his voice strict yet also filled with concern.
“Didn't ask Rogers. I merely announced it”
“Really hate it when you call me that”
“It is your name”,Tasha laughed,a half smile on as she did.
“Nope. Not when she's the one saying it. When she's saying it means i'm one screw up from getting hit by flying walls”,he tried to fight off a smile,pointing at me.
“I wouldn't do that”,i pursed my lips,trying to sound offended,though nobody bought that.
“Yeah,right”
“By the way”,i turned to Steve again, “where's birdie at?”
“Home i'm guessing..”,he said,shaking his head. “He's been here for a while,told him he should rest”
“Oh,he stayed here?”,i asked rather surprised.
“Yeah..first with me,then you..we were both really messed up”,he admitted and I raised my eyebrows.
“Wait..how long have I been out for?”
“Two weeks now..”,he said in a low voice.
“Whoa...”,my face was pressed back. “for real?”
“Yeah..you really took your sweet time there Pers..”,he huffed.
Only then did I notice the small dark spots under his eyes,how squitny they seemed. He was tired,probably hadn't slept in a while. Did I worry him maybe?
“Sorry..”,it slipped my mouth before I could think about it. “Didn't really plan on it..”
“They said you might come out of it any time now..i'm glad you did”
“Are you like a couple now?”,Tasha's voice butted in,making me take in one big breath.
Her legs were crossed,hands tied together,a playful smile on her face.
“You really know how to ruin the mood,don't you”,i murmured.
“Don't you need to go now,Romanoff?”,Steve crossed his arms,his brows raised at her.
“Yup”,she pressed her thighs,standing up now.
“It was nice to see you. Both of you..You can call me anytime you know”,she was stopped by the door frame,a soft smile on her face.
“We know...”,i assured her,a half smile on. “Don't be a stranger Tasha”
She chuckled,then left.
My eyes lingered on him. His hands were on mine,subconsciously pressing them,softly,brushing my skin.
“Are we?”,i asked then,taking him by surprise.
He remained silent for a second,one seemingly too long for my chest to take. Each moment he didn't speak felt like an eternity to me,knots filling my body.
He looked down,then back to me.
“Ever been in love Pers?”,he suddenly asked me and my lips parted.
“Love...”,i finally spoke,looking down at my hands, “It's not for people like me Steve”
“People like you?”,he turned to me,his eyes filled with bitterness,worry.
I sighed,the air suddenly feeling too thin for me to breathe freely. I pulled my hands away from his.
“I wouldn't know anything about it. Love is for people worth of being loved. People who..”,the words lingered on my tongue. My eyes felt hollow,my mouth dry.
“Everyone deserves to be loved Pers...”,he said,his eyes fixed on the window next to me. “I've already let one person I cared for slip away. I'm starting to think there won't be another chance here”,he smiled,a short one,though genuine.
My eyes were pleading,my lips yearning for his.
“Steve...”,i turned my head last minute,my teeth biting my lips,my eyelids heavy. “I've gone down that road before..It just...doesn't work”
“Why are you condemning this before it even begins?”,his brows were furrowed,his eyes trying to fine some sense it this- in me.
“Because! - We're not normal people Steve. You're CaptainAmerica for fuck's sake”
“So what? Can't Captain America have a girlfriend?”,his voice came out soft.
“Steve,we're not the same... I...”,i shook my head,gulping down my guilt. “I am not righteous. I am not..I am just a soldier. Not even a good one. I can't follow orders,i'm always running on my own,always causing shit to happen because I did something I shouldn't have”
“I can't follow orders either you know”,he tried to make a silly joke; I smiled,a tight one,my lips trembling as I felt sick to my stomach. “People keep calling me righteous...ethical,all these things..I just want to do what's right Pers..To sleep with a clear conscious. And I believe you're like that too”,he said,slightly shaking his head.
“You are a soldier..maybe you...we,can be more than just that”
I covered my eyes with my hand,my eyelids shut. This was too much for me. Too much to feel,too much to handle.
“Steve..”,i almost cried out his name as I turned to look at him. “My father's still chasing after me. Be it tomorrow,be it in two years,three..he's gonna find me in the end. And I...”,i shook my head,pressing my lips together. “I don't plan on surviving that fight”
“That's- Pers...the hell you're talking about?”,he asked,now angry,his voice more strict,opposed to the previous softness in it.
“I want to kill my father Steve. Maybe..maybe do some good while i'm here,while I can as well..but after that..After I do kill him..i too have sins on my back,much as he does. The blood on my hands...”,i turned my palms,my gaze glued on them. They were shaking.
“It's just as red as the one he has”
Steve stood up,hands wiping his face as he paced up and down for a moment. I couldn't speak; I feared that opening my mouth would cause me to end in tears. The ones you have no control over.
Yes,i was the one to kiss him.
Yes,i cared for him,more than I care for anyone- I... If it came down to the worst,Steve would probably be the one person crossing my mind.
I jumped off that Helicarrier,no fuel in me,ready to die,just because I hoped I could perhaps save him. That's how easy it was for me,as far as Steve goes.
It's...scary. Deep water,and i'm still splattering,my palms hitting the wet surface maniacally as i'm going down,deeper and deeper.
I'd learned my lesson with Kaemon. As far as soldiers go...it's just the war. We can't act on feelings,with don't hold that privilege. In the end..it's always about the fight.
“That's crap”,he suddenly said and I looked up to him.
He stood right in front of me,arms in pockets,his lips slightly curved down. His brows were pressed together,an expression which held nothing but bitterness and pain. I hated this expression. I hated it so damned much.
“You're not dying. Not on my watch”
“I could have died two weeks ago,on that Helicarrier. That's our life Steve,each battle can be the last”,i spat out,bitterness filling my mouth.
“But it wasn't. You didn't die. You are my friend Pers. And yes,i do like you. Been like that since our first battle in New York. Since you first told me that thing inside the carrier,first moment you saw me; since you said you were a war child. Everything about you intrigued me,for the first time since they pulled me up I felt like someone could maybe understand this shit”,he snapped at me.
Steve was getting angry...this was rare. He would get strict,yes. Serious,hell yeah. But..angry? Not..not like that.
“I spent seventy years in the ice Pers. Woke up and all these things had happened. I was..All I knew was war. And then they said we won. Just like that I was a man lost in time,an old fashioned emblem nobody asked for. And then,you came”,he shook his head, “Suddenly I...”,he huffed,taking a small pause. “Suddenly I wasn't so alone in here”
“That's not the point here Steve...”
“No- the point is you can't keep living crawled up in a hole,scared that things might never work out. What if they will? This is not just about you and me Persephone,you know that”,he sat down next to me,his face really close to mine.
A tear fell down,my mouth trembling as I was desperately trying to stop myself.
He put a hand behind my head,pulling it closer; I couldn't bring myself to pull away.
He kissed me; softly at first,gently. Then he became more violent. More..needy.
My cheekbones ached,my entire body did so too; I was still messed up,though..as long as it was him,it didn't matter much to me.
I felt his tongue desperately looking for mine.
I grabbed his shirt,fiercely pulling it down as he came even closer.
I was now crying as he was kissing me. One tear after the other,falling from my eyes down to his cheeks.
He slowly pulled away to then hug me.
I gabbed him,my hands needing a support as I buried my face on his neck.
“We deserve to live a little Pers..even we deserve that much”,he whispered,then kissed the top of my head.
Maybe we did.
Maybe...just maybe.