i'm not any better.
Tara would be lying if she didn't suspect her girlfriend to be at least a little crazy. Not in a bad way, of course; Amber was insane in all the good aspects of it, at first. The short woman wouldn't ever think it was actually that bad.
Amber Freeman was insane. In all the ways imaginable; hell, she murdered people; what sane person does that?
Maybe, just maybe, Tara was enjoying the insanity. Perhaps it was the intense feelings she felt towards the other, the sweet words they exchanged, late nights spent talking, years of learning new things about each other and yet she didn't expect Amber to ever hurt anyone close to her, despite the threats she made quite often, a joke running in their friend group constantly.She didn't expect Amber to hurt her.
The girl swore she loved Tara more than anything else; she was Tara's and Tara was hers, it's been like that for a long time.
Until it stopped being like that. Until Amber stabbed her several times, until the person she trusted most in her entire life, the only person who ever stayed by her side when everyone else left - died.
Amber Freeman was dead.
Tara did not want to believe it. Amber wasn't just anyone, she's sworn to protect her even if she was dying; what happened to that? What happened to them?
Did she miss something? Was it her fault? Could she have stopped Amber from doing all of this?
Fuck, she missed her. She missed Amber so much she didn't know what hurt her more - the betrayal or the death of her girlfriend.
Despite it all, Tara felt most guilty for the fact she hesitated. Right there, where her sister, Sam, stood right above Richie, already dead, stabbed multiple times; Tara hesitated. Amber survived throughout the injuries, being burnt alive, her skin charred, she looked horrendous, the melted, burnt tissue looked horrific. Tara would've found her pretty either way, but she couldn't. Before her girlfriend could harm her sister, attacking her from behind, Tara pulled the trigger.
She didn't want to.
She wanted to hug Amber, whether she was a murderer or not, whether it was really the Amber she fell in love with; she didn't care.
Sam told her everything would be fine after the incident. They'd fix themselves up. Tara hated calling it that; it wasn't an incident, it was her harsh reality, one, where she couldn't stop turning at night, kept up by the dreams full of the person who ruined her life forever, a person who marked her, literally, as she would take all the scars to her grave.
She loved Amber. She wished Amber could hold her, in her deadly arms; rant about the Stab franchise to her once again, tell her how much she didn't like Stab 8, tell her for the thousandth time that The Babadook wasn't a good horror movie.
Tell her that no matter what, she would hold her, even if it meant going against everything she wants in life.
Did she love Tara when she tried to kill her?
Did she think of all the times they've shared their secrets?
Think of how they've laughed at the stupidest things together, at 3AM when nobody was home and all they had was each other's warm embrace?
Did she think Tara would forgive her? She would have. Of course she would've. She wants to believe otherwise, but she can't deny it.
Amber Freeman was insane and Tara Carpenter wasn't any better for loving her after all that happened.
She wasn't any better for loving someone who was buried 6 feet under the ground.
She wasn't any better for keeping all the memories, for thinking at first that maybe Amber survived.
She wasn't any better for staining the beautiful letters Amber wrote her with tears.
She wasn't better for holding the knife that she murdered her friends with.
She wasn't any better for wanting to end everything.
She hoped that they would meet soon.
Tara hoped Amber would accept her choice.
Tara hoped Sam didn't blame herself; if it helped with anything at all.
Tara wasn't any better than a cheap, wannabe murderer, thinking more of her girlfriend rather than her remaining family just as the cold, sharp side of the knife made contact with her skin.