Bucky: Shouldn’t have given him the shield.
Sam: I didn’t give him the shield.
Bucky: Well, Steve definitely didn’t.
(Episode 4)
Sam rolled his eyes, biting back an angry retort.
“Got something to say?” Bucky asked, tipping the rest of the drink back and downing it in one go.
Sam shook his head. “Doesn’t matter, man. You don’t wanna hear it.”
“I asked didn’t I?”
Sam looked up at him. “Fine. I’m sick of you blaming me for this shit.”
“Who else would I blame?” Bucky asked in an off-handed way that pissed Sam off even more.
He stood from his seat at the table and stalked over to the opposite side of the kitchen island from Bucky. “You know I didn’t want this,” Sam replied but Bucky shook his head. “No, don’t shake your head like this is all so exasperating for you. I’m sick of your bullshit, Bucky! I gave the shield to the Smithsonian so they could put it with all of Steve’s other stuff. I had no way of knowing that the government was going to take it and do this so I’d really appreciate if you could just lay off it for awhile okay?”
Bucky stared at him for a few seconds until Sam turned his back, planning to get out for a little bit, go for a walk. He made it halfway across the room before Bucky spoke up.
“He trusted you.”
Sam stopped. “I didn’t break Steve’s trust. I had the right to choose to be Captain America or not.”
“He left because he assumed, after living his life, that he could come back to give you the shield and there would be a Cap to carry on the mantle. That he was leaving the world in safe hands,” Bucky continued.
“You need to stop,” Sam said angrily but Bucky continued.
“He left because-,” Bucky started to push but Sam cut him off.
“He left because he wanted a better life, Bucky,” Sam yelled. “He left because he spent his entire life fighting or frozen or looking for you and he was done. Stark and Natasha died and he was just done. I know you wanted him to stay but it’s not my fault. You can blame me all you want but it’s never gonna be my fault.”
Bucky was so still and quiet for a moment that Sam jumped when he suddenly slammed his vibranium hand onto the granite counter with enough force that he heard a crack. “He told me I’d be all right,” Bucky whispered. “Before he left that day. Said I’d be all right now because the triggers were gone,” he laughed humorlessly. And then slammed his fist down again. And again.
“Hey,” Sam said sadly, making his way back toward Bucky. “Stop it, come on.”
Bucky grunted as his fist slammed down and through the counter this time which shocked him enough to pause, but then choked out a sob that he clearly didn’t want Sam to witness because he jerked himself around so his back was to the other man. Sam stepped up anyway and hesitatingly placed his hand in the middle of Bucky’s upper back. He could feel the black t-shirt was damp with sweat now.
“I’m sorry,” Sam said quietly when Bucky didn’t shake him off.
Bucky sniffled. “You said it wasn’t your fault.”
“The shields not. But I’m sorry he left you. I know that’s why you’re upset.” Sam gave him a tiny shove with the hand that still rested on his back. Bucky barely rocked forward but it was enough to get him to turn around. His cheeks were wet with the tears he shed but he swiped at them roughly pretending it hadn’t happened. “You’re allowed to be mad at him, Buck. You know that right? You can feel bad for yourself too. You went through hell and he did what he could to get you out but then what? He left you.”
Bucky ducked his head down, hiding as much as he could from Sam. “I wanted him to be happy- I don’t, I wouldn’t have stopped him, I just-,”
“I know,” Sam replied.
“I just thought he would have wanted to stay. A little while at least,” Bucky shrugged sadly. Sam nodded.
“He loved you. You were pretty much always the only thing on his mind. I think he genuinely thought you were going to be okay now. That you were strong and you had a friend to help you through it.” Sam gestured at himself pointedly and Bucky gave a small laugh and rolled his eyes. “And he wasn’t wrong there, you are strong and you can do this. You already are.” Sam sighed. “Maybe stop pushing me away too? I’m not trying to be a new Steve. But there’s nothing wrong with having a friend.” Sam clapped his shoulder and Bucky nodded. “Unless you actually don’t wanna be my friend in which case this just got way more awkward.”
Bucky laughed out loud that time. “You’re okay, I guess. I could stand to have you around sometimes,” Bucky joked.
Sam whistled. “High praise from the man who stares uncomfortably at people, but okay. I can work with that.” Sam stepped closer. “If I hug you are you going to kill me?”
“Nah. I don’t do that anymore,” Bucky replied all too seriously but Sam closed the distance and pulled the other man into a tight embrace. He patted his back a couple times but then stayed there, letting Bucky end the hug first because he seemed like he needed the time. And when they pulled apart there was a small smile on Bucky’s face so he’d count that as a win for today.