I think I need to get a new bed, but I can’t find it in myself to give up ours. I still wake up every morning curled up on my side of the bed, thinking, hoping, praying that you’ll be on the other side, arms wrapped around me like they used to be. It feels so empty. I feel so empty.
[Waking up alone was something Steve didn’t think he could ever get used to. The bed was so empty, his heart aching, everything painful and choking and scary and no. He could never get used to waking up alone. Not when he woke up with Bucky at his side for over a decade, his arms wrapped around Steve’s body, his face smushed into Steve’s neck, the calming sound of his breathing soothing any tension Steve may have had.
But now Bucky was gone, six feet under ground, in a cemetery an hour away from the house they had shared, no longer a comfort, no longer beside him as Steve woke every morning to suffer through another lonely day.
God.
It was more than Steve could bear. He woke up every morning with tears staining his pillow, curled up on one side of the bed, too afraid to take up any space on the other side of the bed for fear there would be no room for Bucky, wishing, hoping, praying every morning that he would wake up from this nightmare and Bucky would still be there to hold him.
But every morning he continued to wake up alone.]
The last coffee cup you used is still beside the sink. I can’t find it in myself to wash it. There’s a lipstick stain on the side, because you were experimenting with different types of lipstick that morning. You looked beautiful. You always looked beautiful. Natasha says I need to wash it and put it away, but I can’t help but hold onto it. It was your cup. I’m afraid of washing off the lipstick stain. I’m afraid of forgetting you, even though I know I could never forget your laugh, or your eyes, or your passion, or your love, or you. I could never forget you. But what if others do?
[“Steve.” Natasha’s voice was quiet as she stood in front of him, her eyes full of pity and love. “Steve, holding on to that cup isn’t going to do you any good. It’s been six months.”
“It still has his lipstick stain,” Steve whispered, his words coming out more choked than he wanted. He held the coffee cup in his hands, staring down at the fading marks of Bucky’s lips. “I can’t… I don’t want to lose him.”
“You’re not losing him, darling.” Natasha pulled him into a hug. “He’s still with you. He’s still with all of us.”
“I don’t want anyone to forget him, god, he was everything.”
“He won’t be forgotten, Steve. He was loved, so loved, and so are you. I promise.”]
I dream of you every night. You tell me you love me, that it will be ok, that you’re always beside me. But will it be ok? How can anything be ok if you’re not here beside me? You were my everything. You still are my everything. How can I be ok without you? I wake up every morning with tears staining my pillow. I don’t want to do this without you.
[“Bucky?” Arms wrapped around Steve and he broke down in tears. “Bucky, oh my god, Buck.”
“Shh, Stevie, it’s alright, I’m right here.”
“But I lost you, god, I lost you, Bucky please, you can’t leave me again!”
A gentle kiss was pressed against Steve’s forehead as he clutched his husband, tears streaming down his face, love and loss and fear and guilt and pain aching in his heart as he held his Bucky, if only in a dream.
“I love you, Stevie, I love you always and forever, until the end of the line.”
“Was this the end of the line, Buck?” Steve whimpered, his voice cracking. “I buried you. God, I watched you get lowered into the ground and I’m never going to see you again and I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, I can’t do any of this without you, god, please come back to me!”
“It’s going to be ok, sweetheart.” Bucky ran his fingers through Steve’s hair, pressing gentle kisses to his forehead. “It’s going to be ok. You can do this, my love. You’ll be alright. I’ll always be with you, even if I’m not there anymore. I’ll always be with you.”
“I can’t though!” Steve’s body shook with sobs. “I can’t do this without you, I can’t!”
“Steve, look at me, darling.”
Steve felt Bucky’s hand on his cheek as he looked up into the grey-blue eyes of the man he loved. The eyes full of sadness and love and guilt and love and sorrow and love.
“Steven Grant Rogers-Barnes, you are the strongest man I’ve ever known. I know it hurts, god, it hurts to be apart from you, but you can do this. You can do anything, ok? I’m so sorry I left you there without me, but it will be ok. You have Becca and Sam and Nat, you’ll be alright. I’m so proud of you, sweetheart. So goddamn proud. I love you, don’t you ever forget that, alright? I love you with my whole heart and I’m so proud of you.”
Bucky pressed a gentle kiss to Steve’s lips and Steve burst into a fresh wave of sobs and held Bucky tight against his chest.
“I love you, I love you, I’m so sorry, Buck, I’m so goddamn sorry, I love you so much, please don’t leave me, please-”
When Steve woke up that morning, pillows stained with tears, he swore he could feel Bucky’s arms around him and the gentle press of lips against his forehead.]
I can’t even get drunk to escape this pain. All I can do is feel your loss and the emptiness and god, it hurts, I can’t stand this. I listen to that playlist you made me every night and dance around the house imagining you’re still here with me. Sam found me one night sobbing by the refrigerator because I saw that picture of us on our wedding night. We were so happy. God, I miss you.
[“I love you.” Bucky’s eyes shone with love and Steve had never felt so happy.
“I love you too, Buck, always. Till the end of the line.”
“The end of the line.” Bucky laughed. “God, Steve, you’re everything to me. I can’t believe this is happening.”
“Me too.” Steve leaned in to press a gentle kiss against his husband’s - husband’s!! - lips.
Despite everything that had ever happened to them, they were here, together, happy. It was a dream come true, magic, a fairytale ending and perfect bliss. Their friends surrounding them, Becca’s proud gaze, the bright lights and gentle music as they took their first dance as a married couple.
“You’re crying,” Bucky whispered, taking a hand off of Steve’s hip to wipe away a tear.
“I’m just. Bucky, we’re here.”
“We’re here. Together.”
“You’re my husband.”
“And you’re my husband.”
Steve let out a choked laugh. “Of all of the things in this world, you’re the greatest. I’m the luckiest man on Earth to have you here beside me.”
“No, Stevie, I think that title goes to me. I’m the luckiest man on Earth to be able to call you mine.”]
Sam said I should start going through your things a few weeks ago. I couldn’t face any of them for a week before Sam came back and apologized. He stayed with me for a while, and we went through your closet. I found one of your old shirts. One of the few you had from when we were in high school. Remember, the old Zeppelin shirt? God. They said we were too young to know what love meant, but I always knew it was you. You were it for me. You are it for me.
[“He gave this shirt to me in junior year, you know.” Steve’s voice was barely audible as he held the ages old Led Zeppelin shirt in his hands.
“Yeah? Tell me the story.” Sam sat still and gave Steve his full attention as Steve gave a weak smile and began to talk.
“Everyone said we were too young to know what love meant, but I always knew he was it for me. He was my everything. From middle school on. He was still there for me with every stupid fight I got into, patching me up and making sure I was ok before I went back home. With every failed assignment that sent me spiraling and afraid I wouldn’t succeed in anything. Even when his home life went to hell and back he was with me. He deserved everything. I never knew why he stuck with me. But it was how it was. We had each other, and that’s all we needed. Everyone scoffed at me when I told them I loved him, except for my ma. She just smiled and told me she knew. He gave me this shirt in junior year because he wanted me to have something that would remind me that he loves me no matter where I was or what was happening. I gave him one of my bracelets in return because my clothes were too small to fit him. But I wore it constantly when I had my bad days. Just to remind me that I was loved and it would be ok. I gave it back to him after we got married. Neither of us fit in it anymore but it was always special. I wish I fit in it now, so I could wear it and feel like he’s still here.” Steve’s voice cracked and Sam reached over to put his hand on his shoulder.
“He is still here with you, buddy. He’ll always be with you. He loved you with everything in him and he’ll always be with you.”
“I miss him, Sam, I miss him so much and I don’t know what to do without him.” Steve sobbed into the shirt, his heart aching. “He’s been with me for my whole life and now that he’s gone I don’t know what to do.”
“I know, Steve, I know.”
It was all Sam could do to hold him.]
I wish we were still in high school. I wish we were still too young and too dumb to know things like love. The simple things. The way you would kiss me under the tree in front of my house and the way I would drag you along to the beach and draw you for hours and the way you would smile when I got angry instead of getting angry with me and the way we would cuddle under the blankets in the pillow fort my ma would let us make while we watched movies on Friday nights and the way Becca would tease us and I would turn bright red and you would poke my cheeks and then kiss me and god. This is hell without you.
[“You’re so pretty.” Steve’s eyes were soft and full of love as he looked up at his boyfriend, who was sitting on a rock, his feet in the water, watching Steve draw.
“You should see yourself, pal,” Bucky returned with a chuckle. “How did I get so lucky to have an angel give me attention like this?”
“Aw, Buck.” Steve’s cheeks burned as he smiled shyly at Bucky. “If anyone’s the angel here, it’s you.”
“Nah.” Bucky grinned. “Golden hair, eyes as blue as the ocean, fiery passion as deep as the Mariana Trench, golden heart and should-be award winning smile, that’s all you, sweetheart.”
“Stop it!” Steve didn’t know his cheeks could turn more red, but this kind of love from Bucky sure was doing it.
Bucky laughed again. “You done drawing me? Can I get off this rock and come give you a kiss like a good boyfriend should?”
Steve rolled his eyes, his cheeks still flaming. “Yeah, Buck.”
Bucky cheerfully jumped off the rock and plopped down in the sand next to Steve, placing a kiss on his lips before looking down at the new drawing.
“God, Stevie.” Bucky’s eyes were shining as he looked back up at Steve. “You’re the best artist I know. You make me look like I’m worth something.”
“It’s because you’re worth everything and I love you, jerk. That’s just who you are.”
“I love you too, punk. God, I’m lucky to call you my boyfriend.”
Steve smiled. “No, I think I’m the lucky one here. You deserve the whole world, Buck, and all of the happiness it holds. You’re worth everything and you mean everything to me.”
Bucky gave Steve another kiss, a dopey grin on his face. “I’m with you till the end of the line, pal. It’ll be you and me against the world.”
“Till the end of the line.”
There was a certain beauty in finding your soulmate, and watching the sun set that evening across the water, Steve and Bucky both knew that this was it. It would always be them. It would always be Steveandbucky, Buckyandsteve. They moved in each other’s lives like dancers, perfectly complementary, perfectly together, perfectly perfect. Until the end of the line.]
It’s been six months without you and god, I can’t do this. Natasha told me I should start going out again and I tried, god, I tried. You told me that you want me to be happy but I can’t be happy with anyone but you. You left me that letter but god, I can’t do this without you. I tried, Buck, I tried. I went with one of them that Nat set me up with, and maybe someday this pain will get better but Buck, my feet don’t dance like they did with you.