The rain had left the soil soft making your steps slower than you wanted them to be. The smell of wet trees and the moisture enveloping you enhance your anxiety for some inexplicable reason.
It had been four hours since the fifth test and Bucky was nowhere to be found.
You’ve already been to all the places he usually isolated himself in. His room, his tent, Steve’s visit room; nothing. Maybe he came to you? You went back to your place, but still; nothing. So you hit the outside. He was nowhere near your mansion. Neither the farm nor the river. You checked everywhere.
Then the idea hit you. There was that hill you once climbed together, a quite high one, where you could see the whole valley with the farms and animals Bucky loved so much. He mentioned once it was the only place that reminded him of what freedom felt like. And that’s all Bucky was fighting for all those months. His freedom.
The night was cold and you were exhausted, but there was no going back without him. You finally reached the peak and Bucky was there, so close to the edge it made your heart a bit faster. He was drenched, clothes wet and heavy, hair glued to his face.
You approach him hesitantly, not knowing how bad things were. Even in the darkness of night, you could see the several bruises across his arm, evidence of the fight he had a few hours ago. Things didn’t go well once again. Ayo informed you that they almost made it this time, but at the last word Bucky snapped; the soldier came out and she had to put him down.
Your heart broke for him. Bucky was so close to giving up that you could feel it. It took a lot of work to convince him to try one more time, after the horrible failure of the previous test.
“Bucky?” your voice was low and calm. He didn’t answer; he seemed so lost in his head that you weren’t sure he even heard you.
“It didn’t work.” he eventually spoke without turning to look at you. Voice horse, eyes red and puffy from crying, Bucky looked like a ghost of himself. Your throat tightened and the impulse to cry hit you, but you swallowed it down. You had to be strong; for him.
“I know… It was better than last time though.” It was necessary to bring up the only positive aspect of this tragedy. Better than last time. You focus on that since it is the only thing giving you hope. And you needed hope, so you could give it to him.
Bucky scoffed but it was an empty sound, completely bare of sentiment. He remained still and emotionless, gaze empty staring at nothing. It scared you seeing him like that, completely cut off his emotions, choosing to feel nothing at all, because if he opened his emotional part all he felt was soul crushing pain. “It will never work.” He stated coldly.
“This is your fear and exhaustion talking Bucky. Come on let’s go back, you need to rest. This is a long and hard journey and you are so close to the end.” he needed to be reminded of that, but it didn’t seem to give him any motivation at this point. He was still as a rock against the strong Wakandan wind.
“There is no end in this y/n.” he sounded so convinced; convinced and calm. That calmness was alarming.
Last time was the worst one until that point, but at least he was angry; he was shouting and arguing with you, expressing his despair. Now his numbness was frightening, since you couldn’t tell what he felt, so you couldn’t imagine how he was going to act.
You hang your head letting out a heavy sigh. That is when you saw it. A knife on his belt.
Bucky never carried any weapon with him since the moment he stepped on Wakanda. He wanted nothing to do with them; he was there for a fresh start. Your blood turned to ice at the possibility of him coming up here to harm himself.
He fought with every ounce of energy you had left not to show the panic in your voice. “Trust me Bucky. If Shuri says it is possible, then it is possible. I know it’s hard, but you have to be patient.”
Bucky took his gaze off the sky for the first time, only to look at the ground. He took a deep breath and slowly let the air out, shaking his head. “I don’t know if I can fight anymore...” his voice horse and shaky, exceeded such raw pain, it made your stomach ache like you had swallowed a fireball.
You hadn’t seen Bucky so hopeless before. He had been bitten down many times during the removal process. He had been through immense physical and mental pain, but there was always faith in his blue eyes; even in the slightest amount, you could see it every time.
But this time it wasn’t there.
Suddenly you felt cold and it wasn’t the lack of a coat. You felt helpless, like anything coming out of your mouth would be the wrong thing. You searched and searched your mind for something clever, something powerful enough to snap him out of his anguish but you were left empty-handed.
You soon realized that the desperate hunt for the perfect quote was pointless. The only thing you could do as a human and a friend was to speak your truth.
You took one more step closer to him, careful not to intimidate him. “Bucky… I’m not gonna pretend like I know what you are going through, because I don’t. Nobody does. But I can tell you the things I know for sure.
“I know life has been incredibly unfair to you. I know you are sick of fighting. I know you feel like you are trapped in a nightmare that never ends.
“Just as I know that you are the strongest man I’ve ever met.
“And I know that if you keep having faith in yourself, you will finally be free.”
At those last words Bucky turned to look at you and the desperation in his teary eyes grabbed your heart and crushes it to pieces. “I will never trust myself again…” the tears escaped his eyes in thick streams.
“You will; I promise you will one day Bucky. It just takes time... For now I trust you . Is that enough?” you say offering your hand for him to hold on to.”Just for tonight.”
He tilted his head, gaze becoming even more intense. So much fear… So much need for hope… You feel like he is looking right into your soul, searching for something to hold onto. Is your faith in him strong enough?
He doesn’t answer your question; he reaches for your hand instead. Relief washed over your body when you felt his fingers interlace with yours. He didn’t give up; he kept fighting and he let you be there for him.
You squeezed his hand for reassurance with a warm smile on your face and he let you lead the way back.