Bucky couldn’t sleep.
Sam had insisted they should stay in a crappy hotel, one that would not care about whether or not their IDs were fake or being paid in real cash. After what happened with Walker, he did not trust that they’d be safe near that part of town anymore.
They had to sneak out of the scene, knowing there was nothing else they could do.
The Flag Smasher’s member was already dead, Karli wasn’t anywhere to be seen, Walker had fled from the scene before they did, and they were likely to get arrested for helping Zemo break out of prison if they stayed or let themselves be seen. There was literally nothing they could do. They were too late to catch Karli or to stop John Walker for tainting the shield with that man’s blood or even to stop civilians from witnessing the new so-called Captain America kill someone in such a cruel, grotesque way in broad day light.
It made him feel sick. He had seen the videos people took, Sharon had sent some to them. The man was begging Walker to stop. He clearly didn’t want to die. It reminded him of…
He doesn’t have the time right now to think about it.
Bucky had been mad. Fuming, even, so ready to either punch Walker senseless for the shit he had just pulled or scream at Sam for giving up the shield for someone like him to take it. Someone merciless, moved by anger, by his madness and his desire to become more powerful, someone who showed no ounce of regret after killing someone who begged for his life.
Like you’re the one to talk. Didn’t Nakajima’s son beg for his life as well? Or Tony’s mom? Walker was angry someone killed his best friend, you were, as you like to say, just “following orders”. What a pathetic excuse. At least he had a good reason… What makes you better than Walker?
He doesn’t know how to respond to that.
Maybe that’s why you hate him so much. You’re a cocky cold-hearted murdered yourself.
I’m not, he tells himself, I wasn’t― I was following orders. I was being controlled. He was in control, I wasn’t. He… He did it out of anger, out of his own free will. He didn’t have to. And I’m not the Winter Soldier anymore. I’m James Buchanan Barnes. I’m just... I’m Bucky now.
Are you sure about that? You didn’t seem to have any problem playing the part, back at the bar. And you use the brain-washing excuse all the time, doesn’t it get old? It’s not like anyone ordered you to kill the consultant.
… I was told to kill witnesses.
So, yeah. He had wanted to snap, to lash out at someone, but then he had seen Sam’s expression. The defeated look on his face, the way he was breathing heavily, his completely anxious stance and it made his throat close.
He’s not that much of a dick. So he swallowed it down and simply pulled Sam to get out of there.
Then, after the anger had died down, he 'd been anxious. He couldn’t get the image of Lemar’s body being thrown against that pillar like he was a ragdoll out of his head, the sound of his neck snapping, the way he was gone in seconds.
Normal humans can break like that.
Sam can break like that.
Ultimately, it’s what makes his skin crawl. He doesn’t want to sleep. He’s afraid he’ll see Sam in Lemar’s place. Limp. Unmoving. Unresponsive.
“Do you want his blood on your hands?”
Ironically, the one covered in blood ended up being Walker himself. So there’s that.
The walk to the hotel was the quietest walk they had ever taken together. Sam hadn’t even looked at him and Bucky didn’t have the guts to start a conversation. It was so tense that he had almost missed Zemo’s stupid comments or provocations. At least maybe they would’ve had someone to yell at together.
When they arrived at the place Sharon recommended, the hotel had told them that they only had a room with one bed and before Bucky could protest Sam had simply muttered a tired “Sure, thanks, man.” Sure. Sure.
Sure, my ass.
He had put on his best annoyed face as Sam took the keys and stared at the man, hoping he’d call him out for staring, but Sam simply walked past him.
It made him uneasy, seeing Sam not cracking jokes, with his face in a frown, but not being visibly annoyed at him. He doesn’t get it. Had Sam been genuinely mad at him?
Sam had been tired.
He couldn’t possibly had been more emotionally drained. John had stepped in during his conversation with Karli and made the kid distrust him, Bucky probably still blamed him for that fucking shield after everything he’d seen, Zemo had escaped, Karli had threatened his sister and his nephews, Lemar was dead, and Walker had just brutally murdered a member of the Flag Smashers in broad day light. He had been the whole way trying to figure out a way to deal with everything but every time he was reminded of a problem, just about how many issues he really has in his hands, it would give him a migraine. Maybe his sister was right.
He had felt Bucky’s stare on him, and he had thought multiple times to reach out, to make a joke to lighten things up but he just didn’t have the energy. He doesn’t want the other man to feel anxious about this, but he doesn’t have it in him right now to be yelled at for something he had no control over just because he gave away some stupid shield. He doesn’t know how much more of Bucky’s misdirected anger he can take anymore.
God, sometimes he really feels bitter about Steve. He did whatever he wanted, he had his stupid little happy ending and just left everyone else the responsibility of taking care of any shit the Blip would trigger, not giving a fuck about whoever stayed behind.
Don’t think like that, a part of him that feels guilty says, He’s your friend.
I was his friend too, he says back, unable to suppress his bitterness, so was Bucky, as insufferable as he might be. And he left him. He left us both.
He resents Bucky too, sometimes. For the most part, he understands. Really, he gets it. He finds him unbearable, and his ignorance makes him want to smack him in the face sometimes, but he gets it, he understands that sometimes he just can’t keep up. Like Steve, he’s a man out of his time, he was probably used to a less confusing world, to a world where the distinction between good and bad was much clearer and a world where things like discrimination were the norm, not something people were really defensive about. Hence, as much as his ignorance and stupidity annoy him, he tries to be patient. Because not only he’s stuck in a time where he everything he knew was gone or changed, he lost years of his life being a puppet to someone else’s will. He didn’t have Steve’s chance of freedom and maybe he’ll never will. Honestly, neither might Sam. So, he tries to stand his ground, but still be patient and understanding, no matter how much it’s draining him to constantly have to be the bigger person.
“And I give you him. Along with the code words to control him, of course. He will do anything you want.”
He had wanted to stop both Zemo and Shelby right there. The thing with Bucky is that he’ll say the most idiotic shit and act like a total asshole, annoy him to the point of making him want to glue his ridiculous mouth shut but Sam will still care for him. He doesn’t want the man to believe he’s actually hated or seen as simply the means to an end, a weapon just waiting to wielded, and not a man with needs and wants and a really annoying mentality that the world revolves around its need to hurt him.
Sometimes he wants to protect him, to break the hands of anyone who dares to touch him the way Zemo did or to refer to him as... As a thing rather than the dumb, very much alive, full of feelings human being that he was. It was a confusing, odd feeling that you're most likely not supposed to have for your average mission colleague, but it was definitely the least of his problems right now.
It’s tiring. Sam was tired of taking everyone’s feelings in consideration, tired of trying to be understanding all the time. He knows it’s hard not to become bitter once in a while, especially being under pressure and constantly getting things thrown at his face, but he doesn’t like feeling like this. He’s warm and fun, light-hearted and charming and that’s who he likes to be.
Or who he tries to be.
“Maybe he was wrong about you.”
Either way, he doesn’t hate Steve. Or Bucky. As much as he likes to play the part, he definitely doesn’t hate Bucky. He doesn’t even dislike him or wants him to stay away, he actually enjoys his time with him. He had worried and missed him when Bucky didn’t answer his texts, he had wanted for even just a head’s up that “Hey, I do read your stupid texts, no worries, I am alive.” Who knows, maybe even a “fuck off” would’ve been better than the silence. He wasn’t asking for much, just to know Bucky wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere. He even had creeped around government’s information just to get updates that the man was, in fact, very much alive despite ignoring him. For fuck’s sake, he doesn’t go that far for people he doesn’t give a shit about.
But he’s not sure if Bucky can say the same about him and he can barely stand to be in the room with someone who might hate him right now, much less make small talk with said person.
He’s exhausted. Both physical and emotionally. So, he simply tells Bucky to take the bed without arguing and leave him alone and, for once, Bucky doesn’t complain or ignore Sam’s request. He settles on the sofa facing the bed after his quick shower and closes his eyes. It doesn’t take long for sleep to come to him, but neither do the nightmares.
-
It’s almost four in the morning and Bucky still can’t sleep, but it’s not like he’s planning to anyway. The bed is too damn soft, and he’d feel bad about taking the floor when Sam could’ve taken the bed.
Staring at ceiling isn’t cutting it anymore. His therapist sometimes tells him that he likes to torture himself, that he’s too comfortable in being miserable and as much as he knows she’s not wrong, he’s still glad he doesn’t have to deal with her anymore. He knows he should be in therapy, but being forced into it makes him annoyed to no end, way too annoyed to actually care about trying to get better. Much less with someone he doesn’t trust or that’ll pull her annoying notebook whenever he doesn’t feel like letting the government know what he’s doing.
He does take her advice sometimes. So, instead of the traditional, regular misery he’s used to, he’ll settle for a new one: reading articles about John’s… situation. To know what to expect from the public and how much he further tainted the image of Super Soldiers. If people even already know he’s a super soldier. Lovely.
From most groups of people discussing what happened, he got the idea that, while were mostly divided on the issue on certain parts, the general opinion is that Walker was absolutely mad. Like, batshit crazy. Dangerous and unpredictable. The government probably had tried to make the US news go easy on Walker, but there’s not much they could do about other countries’ news or social media. Despite most criticism being backlash, some people were defending Walker, which honestly perplexes Bucky. Some of the very people defending him were very clearly against superheroes, he’d expect they’d be against Walker as well.
Was it because he’s a government agent? Were people that patriotic?
@captainwalker124: why is the media shaming him for killing a terrorist? They killed his partner, he kills them, it’s only fair. He put that shield to good use. I feel no empathy for terrorists.
It had an awful lot of replies.
@whywouldyou: @captainwalker124 man just shut the fuck up
@janicewinter1: @captainwalker124 dude no, he’s supposed to be a symbol of protection, if he can’t stop himself from murdering a surrendering man in front of so many people, imagine what he’d do behind closed doors. he doesn’t deserve that shield.
@hulksmash: @captainwalker124 he literally stained steve roger’s legacy with blood?? he’s too dangerous, he needs to be arrested, not venerated.
@juliemanters3: @captainwalker124 the shield shouldn’t even have left the museum, the fact that he used it to kill a man in broad day light is disgusting please just shut up.
@agentofchaos: @juliemanters3 @captainwalker124 shouldn’t even have left the falcon’s side lol, he deserved it more than that walker guy ever will
@nahbrofr10: @captainwalker124 not really, i have a friend in the military and he told me that, battlestar being killed or not, they could all see that walker was losing it, this had been coming. he’s not in the right mind to even serve, much less carry the shield.
@prettykim: @captainwalker124 you must be sick in the head, the guy was already down and begging him not to do it. he also said he wasn’t the one who killed battlestar, just say y’all will defend crappy white men no matter what and go.
@wellfuck: @captainwalker124 shut up, i bet you wouldn’t be saying that crap if falcon had been the one doing this, the standards for men like little copycap are so low ffs
@falconfanboy: @captainwalker124 would you be saying this if he wasn’t white and american lol
…
Oh.
Well, Bucky feels like shit.
The more he reads, the more guilty he feels. He sees more of people arguing over whether or not Sam even deserved the shield or the reason why he gave it up, arguments that started because of Walker’s little stunt, and it makes him feel like crap. Strangers on the internet apparently know Sam and his reasons better than he does. He feels his heart beating on his throat.
If Sam had died today instead of Lemar… If he had gotten hurt, he doesn’t know― He doesn’t think he’d let Karli get away with it either. He wouldn’t kill a man who was mostly innocent either, but…
Sam is such a better man than him. If he had gotten hurt, he doesn’t think Karli would have anyone else to stop people from killing her. And Sam… Sometimes Bucky just gets hit in the face with everyone else’s mortality. Like, it’s not like Bucky thinks of himself as a God, but he knows he can take a bullet or two and not bleed out in a matter of minutes or not have the risk of breaking his neck when thrown against a wall.
Sam is… Sam is strong, he has an incredible set of skills and training but he doesn’t get the luxury of throwing himself out of a plane without his wings or no parachute or even to take a single hit from a super soldier. He’s just… He’s just like Lemar. One wrong hit and he’ll be gone before Bucky can do anything about it. And if he keeps on being an asshole, one day one of the horrible things he says might be the last he― Okay, he’s making himself anxious. He can’t panic or detach himself from the present moment now, he might awake Sam.
The turned off TV. The lights coming from the street. Plastic flowers on the bedside table. His notebook on top of it, too. He can see Sam, too, from the corner of his eyes. Good. Good, he’s got five, right?
Now feel. He can feel the bed, the covers against his skin. He can feel his phone on his hand. He can feel his jaw clenching.
He can hear people outside. He can—
A whimper startles him out of his thoughts. At first, he’s not sure where it came from, too caught up in his own thing to realise where the sound came from but then he hears it again.
He feels his stomach drop.
The whimper came from Sam.
“Wilson?” he tries calling him, but his voice comes out too raspy and small. He clears his throat, “Sam?” he tries again, watching how the other man is shivering and arching his neck backwards as if he were in pain, “Sam, you okay?” he only hears a gasp for air as an answer and he’s filled with a fear that makes him stand up in seconds, scared Sam might be suffocating or having a seizure in his sleep.
Then he realizes Sam’s crying.
Shit, he doesn’t know what to do. He stayed awake so he wouldn’t have nightmares, but apparently Sam also has them. And Bucky isn’t good at comforting people, for fuck’s sake, he’s kind of an asshole and he knows it, if anything he might just make Sam even more upset.
“…Don’t. Don’t go, please.” Bucky knows he’s still dreaming, but he takes it as a sign of the universe telling him to stop being an idiot and actually help for once. He rests his real arm gently on Sam’s shoulder. The man lets out a sob and Bucky feels himself freak out a bit.
He never thought he’d see Sam crying like this. He never thought he’d see Sam cry. He knows he wouldn’t want anyone to see him after his nightmares. This feels evasive and wrong, like he's seeing something he shouldn't.
“Sam, hey.” He shakes him slightly.
“Riley fell, he fell, I can’t―” He thinks of asking, but he feels like he shouldn’t, not when the other man is like this, “I need to― I need—”
“You need to wake up.” Bucky tries shaking him with the metal arm, hoping the coldness will startle Sam awake. It does work, Sam snaps his eyes open and goes into sitting position right after, making Bucky lose his balance and have to step away a little. He waits for Sam to catch his breath, “You okay?” he only gets a shaky nod as an answer. Okay, so no. He turns around to go get a glass a water, but he feels Sam reaching out, holding his wrist (the real one. It makes Bucky’s skin tickle.) for a second before quickly dropping it, embarrassed, “It’s okay, I’m just getting you water, you’ll still be able to see me.”
“It’s— It’s okay, man, I don’t need water, just go back to bed, sorry that I woke you up.” Bucky ignores him, reaching for the cups on the shelves.
“You didn’t wake me up,” he says, as he’s filling the cup, “I wasn’t asleep.” He rushes a little to Sam’s side, handing him the water and reaching out to the tiny ottoman so he could sit next to Sam.
“Oh, uh, thanks, man.” Their fingers brush against each other. Bucky feels a little nervous, it’s been a while since someone touched his hands. Sam gets his hands touched a lot, he has young nephews and an affectionate sister, but he still feels embarrassed, “Couldn’t sleep?”
Bucky scratches his cheek, “Something like that.” He waits for Sam to empty the glass, “Wanna talk about, uhm, what happened?”
“That question can mean a lot of things. You talking about Karli threatening my family, the Dora Milaje being mad at us, the fact that Zemo escaped or Walker murdering someone?”
Sam is still shaking, and Bucky feels suddenly very ashamed without really understanding why, “I meant the nightmare, but we can talk about all of that, too.” He waits a bit, “And, uh, Ayo is mad at me, don’t worry, she’d never― uh, hurt you or anything.”
He gives him a smirk, “Don’t forget I went along with your plan, Bucky, she’s more than ready to kick both of our asses to the moon.” Bucky takes the cup from him when he’s done, putting it on the little table at the end of the sofa, “Thanks. And there’s nothing to talk about. I had a nightmare, I’m awake now, it’s fine. Now go to sleep.”
“You’re still shaking.”
“Yeah, it’s a natural response of your body when it thinks it’s in danger, it’ll stop.”
“You’re not in danger.”
Sam rolls his eyes, “I know.”
Bucky huffs a laugh, “I know you know. Just might help hearing someone else saying it.”
Suspicious eyes stare at him, “Why are you being chill and nice about this, what did you do? Where did the sass go? Are you trying to soften me up, so I’ll agree with one of your stupid plans?”
“I don’t need sweet talk to get you to agree with my plans, Sam, you’re too self-righteous to let me do dangerous shit alone.”
“Don’t push it too much, asshole, I’m not getting killed for you.” he says, but the playful tone is clear.
Bucky says the next words quietly, “As if I’d ever let that happen.” The other man is taken aback, but he recovers quickly.
“Aw, Buck, you do love me.”
He’s so flustered he doesn’t even say anything about the nickname, “I hate you, you’re an absolute nuisance.”
“You love me.”
“I really cannot stand you.”
“You love me so much it makes you look stupid.”
“You’re stupid.”
“And you love it.”
“Stop trying to embarrass me, we were being serious.”
Sam would feel a little bad, but he’s having fun, “Okay, I get it, it’s cruel to make fun of the elderly.”
Bucky realises the shaking stopped, “Yeah, your generation is terrible.”
“What is it that you don’t like about us, huh? The fact that we like Marvin Gaye too much?”
He groans, “Why are you always bothering me with that, I told you I liked it!”
“You said you liked 40s music.”
“And? Just because I like 40s music more doesn’t mean I hate modern music.”
“Marvin Gaye is 70s music, I don’t think it could be called modern music.”
“Well, it is to me, I’m old. And stop trying to distract me, I’m trying to make amends with you.” Sam seems confused.
“But we didn’t fight.” He realises that’s not true, so he adds, “Recently.”
“I’ve been a bad… F— Uh, partner? I don’t know, just― I’ve been acting like a dick.” Sam smiles softly and lifts his legs off the couch so he could be facing him. He thinks about putting their knees together like they did in therapy but decides against it.
“Do you think we’re not friends, Bucky?” it comes out soft, with a little bit of teasing, but he’s serious. He wants to talk about this because he wants to know, too.
“That’s not what this is about.”
“But it kind of is, isn’t it? You’ve been a dick because you’re trying to sabotage your relationships. Isolating yourself. Only hanging out with that old man and your therapist.”
“How do you know about Mr. Nakajima?”
“You didn’t answer my texts, wanted to know if you were okay. I asked the government.” Bucky rolls his eyes.
“Can’t believe anyone can just ask what I’m doing, and the government will hand that information to them.”
“Okay maybe I didn’t ask.”
“…How the fuck did you get it then?” Sam stares at him, a little offended at how Bucky underestimates his abilities.
“Dude, I kind of worked for the government. I had espionage training and I know my way around computers. Comparing to having to find the Winter Soldier during the Accords when he wasn’t being kept on a government leash, it wasn’t hard.”
“Ah.”
Sam snorts, “What, did you think my only abilities were being able to fly and look cool as fuck? You think that alone would’ve been useful to the Avengers?”
“You talk as if most people can fly.” It makes Sam grin at him.
“Yeah, but the number used to be smaller.”
“… I’m sorry. For being unfair to you. And for ignoring your texts.”
“It’s okay, you were dealing with a lot.”
“So were you, it’s not— It’s not an excuse.”
“I have a more stable support system and, quite frankly? A better therapist, too. So, it’s okay. I get it. Thank you for apologizing, though. It does mean a lot.”
“I’m also sorry about what I said about, uh, about Steve. He wasn’t wrong about you. You’re, uhm, you’re a good man. You were the only one of us who tried to understand the Flag-Smashers and Karli.” He seems to be struggling with his words so Sam rests his hand gently on his knee, “I, uh, I think if we had all took your approach to the situation maybe today wouldn’t have happened.”
“Thank you for saying that. I― I’m not sure my approach will still work, but I still want to give it another try. You don’t have to come with me, but I plan on trying to track Karli tomorrow.”
“I’m coming with you.” I’ll always come with you, if you let me, he doesn’t say, I would honestly follow you the rest of my life. I wish― I wish I could―
“Thanks, man.” He smiles, “Steve wasn’t wrong about you either, you know.” Bucky grimaces, but he must not want to ruin the moment, so he stays quiet for a bit.
“Uhm…” he opens and closes his mouth twice, not looking directly at Sam.
“What is it?” Bucky shrinks in his seat a little, “It’s okay, just say it.”
“You said a name. In your sleep.” He hesitates, “Riley. You were saying he fell.”
Sam takes a deep breath, “It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it.”
“It sounded important.” Bucky seems to waver once more before opening his mouth, “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. Just say so. But it does matter.”
They sit in silence for a while. Sam wants to tell him, he does. He just also not sure he wants to share such an important part of himself to someone who might decide not to stay. He had told Steve, because Steve had also lost a partner, he had also been incapable to do anything but watch as he saw someone dear to him fall to his death.
But Steve had gotten Bucky back and left him for a girl who had been dead for years, Steve had left them both. He tries to understand, but it makes him so mad. If he ever could see Riley again, he’d never leave him out of his sight. If he had another chance of making things right, he’d never…
Like, fuck, he still misses Riley so much that it physically hurts him sometimes. He can’t wrap his head around how Steve got his best friend back and he didn’t. It makes it impossible not to resent him sometimes. He just doesn’t understand how you go against everyone and everything for someone, get your friends arrested and get almost killed because of it, then lose him for another five years just to leave when you finally get him back again. To know he had thrown away a chance Sam would do almost anything to have, it pisses him off.
And Bucky. Bucky can be so much like Riley sometimes. It feels weird to say it, because they were so different in so many things, but they also have so much in common. Reckless, a complete dumbass, always ready to go in without a plan, always ready to sass people and jump in front of Sam to protect him.
Sometimes he resents Steve for leaving Bucky more than he resents Steve for leaving him.
Because on top of all the other issues the man had, now Bucky won’t even let him in because he’s probably scared everyone will leave him, no matter how much they insist they won’t or what they do to prove it. Not only Steve left, but he also made it harder for Sam to ever be able to get Bucky to let him in. Bucky, the only other person in this world who knows what it feels like to be abandoned by Steve Rogers.
“Riley was my partner.” He starts and he feels his body betraying him again as his hands start to shake. Bucky looks at him, “I was supposed to have his back like he had mine. We were on a mission and his— He was shot mid-air. I couldn’t, uh, I wasn’t fast enough, I was too far away. I couldn’t do anything besides watch him fall.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It was long ago, it’s okay. It’s just… Lemar today…”
“I get it.” he looks away, “I kept imagining it could’ve been you, too.” Sam feels his throat closing.
“Oh, so you do care about me.”
“Samuel.”
The use of his actual name makes him huff a laugh, “Sorry.”
“It’s not funny, Sam. Right now, you’re the only person in this fight who’s completely human. It could’ve been you today and you would’ve left your sister alone. You would’ve left your nephews without an uncle.” Then he says, more quietly, “I would’ve never gotten the chance to tell you I’m sorry.”
“I know. Sorry. Being serious about my feelings makes me anxious.”
“Me too.”
Sam smiles, “But you don’t need to worry about me. I’m not some damsel in distress or someone who can’t hold themselves in a fight or even someone who can’t fly away from it if needed. I can guarantee you I’ve been a soldier for longer than you fought in war.”
“Yeah, jackass, I know. I just…” he waits for Bucky to finish before he realises he probably won’t.
“It’s okay. I worry about you, too. It’s normal when our jobs are dangerous. I can’t promise you nothing will ever happen to me, but I can promise you I won’t go down without a fight.”
Bucky gives him a tired smile, “I know. You’re too stubborn and annoying, like a little cockroach.”
He lets out a surprised laugh, “Ah, c’mon now, who’s the one not being serious?”
“Who said I was joking?”
“Your stupid face did. Don’t roll your eyes so much, they might get stuck, you know how old machines malfunction sometimes.” He gets a pillow throw at his face.
“Take the bed and shut up.” he repeats his words from earlier back at him.
Sam has an idea.
“I think we can both take the bed, no? Or are you too afraid to sleep with me, James?”
Bucky rolls his eyes, “What part of shut up did you not get.”
“Oh, c’mon, man, we just had a moment and everything, can’t you be nicer? Aging makes you so grumpy.”
“I’ll lay down if you shut up.” Sam laughs, pretending as if he’s closing his mouth with a zipper and throwing away the key.
And as Bucky lays down next to him and doesn’t move away from Sam when their feet touch under the covers, he realises that this is not confusing or odd. He knows exactly what it is, he has felt it before.
It’s love.
He’s in love with Bucky.
He can almost hear Sarah laughing at him.