Falling in love with Bucky had been .. easy. Unexpected. But you couldn't plan those things, could you?
A year ago Sarah would have never imagined she would be able to do that again, just fall in love.
Long after her husband's death she had ignored her girl friends' and neighbors' well meaning advice to "get out there" and "give the dating world a go".
She was busy, she had told herself. With AJ and Cass and the family business. Struggling to do everything herself and get by was so much easier then learning to love again. To let go and allow herself to try to love again.
And then the entire world went to shit and Sarah didn't need to make excuses anymore.
It was still all very new. Fresh and raw and terrifying, for both of them, in very different ways. There was a lot of baggage in this relationship. Maybe more than many people would consider worth trying for.
Six months after things got serious between them, Sarah's boyfriend still slept on the couch when he visited, and still lived in own apartment in Brooklyn when he wasn't saving the world with her brother.
It had really pissed her off at first. Sarah didn't want, or expect, Bucky to move right the fuck in when they started dating. She needed her own space just as much as he did. She did miss him, and she worried when he went on missions (it was so much worth now, her brother and her boyfriend out there saving the world. If things went wrong, and they were bound to, eventually, she might lose them both), but she didn't want to lose her independence.
Sarah just hated how sex was perfectly fine with Bucky (they had had that talk, that awkward teenaged "is this okay?" and "can I take this off?". Because while Bucky wasn't fragile, Sarah knew just enough to know she would never be able to guess what exactly could set him off), but sharing a fucking bed was off the table. He always left as soon as she fell asleep.
It felt cheap, just a little.
The first time they slept together Sarah was almost certain Bucky didn't actually sleep at all that night. Whenever she woke up during that night he was too stiff to actually be sleeping and he was awake way before her in the morning.
Super soldier serum could only do so much to amend no sleep, because the second night of that long weekend Bucky caved.
Waited long enough for Sarah to fall asleep before he retreated to the couch he had slept on the first time Sam invited him to stay at her house.
Finding him there in the morning after waking up alone had hurt Sarah a lot more then she cared to admit. It was like a painful reminder why she had spent so many years on her own.
Bucky must have been tired, because he was still asleep when she came into the living room. Despite everything she didn't have it in her to wake him, not when he always looked like he was up all night, even though she was ready to get into the first fight of their not-yet official relationship at that very moment, 6am on a Saturday.
Instead Sarah made herself a cup of coffee and sat down in the armchair by the couch and watched him sleep.
Bucky was still tense when he was sleeping, maybe even more, brows twitching occasionally and mumbling gibberish.
It took her a while to figure out she couldn't understand anything, because he was not speaking English in his dreams
Bucky didn't take well to being watched in his sleep, apparently, and that - maybe Sarah should have thought about that, shit.
The moment he woke up his entire body went into fight mode.
Sarah had never really understood why the guy who had been following her brother around like a lost puppy, was considered the deadliest assassin of the 20th century until that moment, until she saw the blank look in his eyes.
"You weren't in bed", she fought back a sob, body curling into itself in instinctive fear, pressed into the armchair.
Bucky had all but collapsed into himself once he was fully awake and had realized his surrounding. His breathing was coming heavy and shallow.
"This is why", he wheezed, somewhere in between two gasps for air, metal arm curling into his thigh painfully.
Sarah, although still somewhat horrified by Bucky's reaction to her just ... being there, was concerned he was now working himself into a panic attack.
He squeezed his eyes shut, trying and failing to breathe properly.
"Hey, hey it's okay. Breathe", she leaned forward, "I - Can I touch you?", she asked.
With Sam it had always worked to make him sync up his breathing with her own, that was easiest to do by making him feel it.
But, if that was even possible, Bucky tensed up even more, and that was all the answer she needed.
"Okay, okay, that's fine. I won't. But, honey, you gotta breathe"
It passed, somehow.
Sarah wasn't sure how long it took until Bucky's breath evened out again, and she was useless the whole time, but once he managed to uncurl his fist, metal joints clicking, he willingly took her hand.
"Sorry", muttered, voice still hoarse and shaky, "For this. For not staying"
She traced the metal slots with her thumb.
"It's not your fault" It wasn't, she got that now. It had been stupid of her to get so mad about this.
Talking about it had been a lot harder than talking about sex.
Occasionally Bucky shared his feelings willingly, and even then still in raspy whispers and not looking her in the eyes, but most of the time it was like pulling teeth with him.
Still, as the sun started streaming in through the windows, brighter now, painting the floorboards honey, and Cass and AJ came shuffling from their rooms whining for breakfast, Sarah understood better, even if she wished it wasn't like that.
Even if she wished that the man she loved could sleep in the same bed with her, hadn't been hurt and abused for so long he couldn't trust himself.
Some things she could help with, others needed time and many would just never leave Bucky alone. They would have to learn to live with those things, together.
They made it through that morning though, and they made it through other bad mornings and days and nights.
Bucky might not share the bed with her - she hadn't asked him to, again, after. She didn't ask him why they got a hotel room (and he didn't sleep, again) when she visited him in New York, either.
But he was there in the morning, wrapping himself around her and kissing her forehead.
She felt safe waking up in his arms like this, and Bucky got just a little choked up when she told him that once, got that misty look in his eyes that told her she had accidentally hit one of those doubtful, insecure spots again. Sarah couldn't change the way he viewed himself, either.
But they would be okay.