BUCKY POV
I was staying on the boat waiting for Sam to wake up and say what are are we gonna do today. The things with Sam are well...complicated. I accepted a while ago that I have fellings for him,very strong feelings and it's not something I am used to. I have always been alone, even when I was friend with Steve he was my friend of course we were a perfect duo but I never loved someone as much as I do now, in a romantic way.
Somwehere in my mind I always tought or maybe hoped he could fell something for me, that maybe we could have a relationship to be a couple, to be togheter, that maybe there will be one day when I will be able to hold him into my arms.
Until one night when a nightmare changed everything I hoped for.
'Look at you ugly and pathetic you make me wanna throw up everytime I look at you.You are so broken and you know it.Do you think he would actually stay with you when he will see how you cry like a baby almost every night, when he will notice all your smiles are fake ones, you think he is still gonna stay with you when he will see how you sit in the bathroom looking at yourself and cry because you hate every inch of you?" the reflection in the mirror said, the old reflection of me. The mask,the long hair, the cold eyes staring back at me...all that it reminded me of the monster I used to be
'No no please stop it' I whispered looking at the floor with tears in my eyes
'He will see how much help you need but you are to afraid to ask for it cause you are a coward, he won't stay, he will get tired and sick of you and he will leave you'
'I-' my voice tried to intrerupt him but the words were stuck in my throat and all I could do was cry and wait for him to speak again
'He won't he fucking won't, think about Steve.He left, he fucking left you here without anyone for a dance with a girl that didn't even knew him, you were his friend and he was your only friend and he knew that but he still left cause you are not someone he wanted to spend time with or someone important to him and you are not someone who deserves love after all you did and Sam deserves someone better, somebody to make him laugh to show him love and not hide his feelings all the time beyond some stupid tears, he deserves someone better....not someone broken like you'
'Broken like you' were the last thing I heard from my figure in the mirror before I woke up crying on the floor of my bathroom. Since that day I couldn't stop thinking that no matter how much I wanted him to feel the same as me, I didn't deserve it. I fucking didn't deserve it after all the things I did and Sam did deserve someone better and I just had to accept it.
"Stupid feelings why do they have to exist" I murmured under my breath when suddenly I heard steps behind me and turned around
"What why did it have to exist?" Sam asked with a silly smile on his face
"Umm no nothing don't worry about it, what are you doing here?" I questioned avoiding the subject
"I woke up a while ago and I came here to look for you since you weren't at home anymore" Sam said and I looked up at him and his eyes widened
"Geez bucky your eyes are so red have you been crying?" Sam asked worry in his voice. I suddenly remembered how I didn't get any sleep last night cause I was afraid to have a nightmare and wake up the whole house
"Umm no I just I got something in my eyes earlier and it hurts but I am ok" I said no emotion in my voice trying to sound as cold as I always do
"Any plans for today?" Sam asked and I shrugged walking and sitting down somewhere on the boat
"Nothing really, you?" I answered back
"Not really, not so much to do and you look like you are not in the mood at all to work at the boat and I am not either and it's sunday, I need a day just to relax and I feel like this should be the one" he said sitting down next to me.
"How is your sister?" I asked not knowing how to continue the conversation and he looked at me weirdly
"Listen man if you want to flirt with my sister all the time while you stay here I swear to god I will beat your as-" Sam was saying but I interrupted him with a groan
"Saaaamm I do not want to flirt with her, I mean she is pretty and all but still no " I said followed by a releasing sigh from Sam
"Oh ok well that's good to know man" Sam said smiling
God damn I really love that smile.
SAM POV
I am tired of this. I am tired of looking at Bucky being sad and not being able to know how to help him, I am tired of hearing him at night waking up and crying and just sit here and listen cause he won't accept my help, or anyone else help, I am fucking tired of looking at him everyday and having to hide my feelings for him.
"What time is it?" Bucky suddenly asks again snapping out of my toughts.
"Almost 12" I answered looking at my phone before putting it back into my pocket
"I am bored ughhh " Bucky said with a sigh
"And what do you want me to do about that?" I asked raising an eyerbrow and he rolled his eyes at me
"Well I don't know any place hell i basically know nothing around here except where your house is,really, isn't there any place where you can spend some time, not a club tho I hate big crowds so...come on dude you grew up here there is gotta be a nice place somewhere?" Bucky asked a hint of curiosity on his voice.
He wants to spend time with me
He wants to spend time with me
He wants to spend time with me
My mind kept saying but I realized I didn't answer to him and I shaked my head a bit and looked at him
"Well there might be a place but it's like two hours walking from here.." I answered remembering a nice place from here since I was a kid
"Well we have all God damn day and nothing to do, let's just get two bottles of water with us and go I am going crazy if I sit in this boat for more than 10 seconds" He said getting up and I smiled following him.
After half an hour we left walking down on a lonely road a bit away from home.
"So where exactly are we going?" He asked croosing his arms and I looked up at him
"Secret" I whispered back with a smirk
"Sam Wilson if you plan on taking me somewhere and kill me-..." Bucky said jokingly and I laughed
"No worries man not having any plans for your murder....yet" I smirked again and he rolled his eyes. After another 10 minutes of walking and looking at the sky a question popped into my head
"Do you ever think how would it be?" The question came out of my mouth before I knew
"How would it be if what?" Bucky asked back
"If Steve wouldn't have left" I answered looking up at him and he shared back a surprised look
"Well first we sure wouldn't have to deal with Walker" he joked and I let out a laugh
"But for real, I mean what could have been different, well probably I wouldn't be the one to help you with all the things that are going on right now you know it would be him and I am sure you would have liked his help more and yeah it did hurt a bit that he left but it was his decision I can't do anything about it and if he was happy after all that's what it matters I guess....what about you? " Bucky finished with a sad smile on his face trying to hide his emotions but I noticed and I couldn't help but feel guilty, he didn't tought I want his help or that I want him here with me
"First of all Bucky I really appreciate your help and you are doing more than enough and I guess I feel the same about the happines thing and all I mean he deserved to be happy after all he has been trough and I still don't know why he tought I could be the next Captain America, I can't see my self doing it but we have plenty of time to figure that out" I answered back no lies bettwen my words
"Yeah...we"
"Look we are here" I said showing him where to walk towards
"You said two hours" He looked up curiously
"It has been an hour and a half already Buck we walked faster than I tought we would I guess, now just walk into the forest" I said and he followed me until we got where I wanted
"Wow, this is...." he started saying but looked around keeping his mouth open.
It's just a small place at the end of the wood next to a river that curved gently through the forest and hopped over the rocks happily. You know a forest can be described as green or dense it could also be described as silvery and clear during the winter, or scary and terrifying at nighttime,a forest that has been in a fire could be described as ruined or sad, while a healthy forest could be described as alive but this part of the wood should be described as beautiful and welcoming for every creature that stepped here. The trees were tall surrounding the place hiding a big part of the sky so there wasn't so much light but a vague hint of shine and it might not be a big deal to a lot of people but this used to be the place where I used to come when I used to be kid and it always made me feel safe no matter what time, day or moment of the day was.
"Wow Sam this place is beautiful" Bucky said looking around "how did you find it, it's pretty far from your house?" He asked looking curious at me
"Well when I was 14 I didn't actually had a lot of friends or people to spend time with and one day I was walking and I got pretty far without realizing and I ended up here and I don't know it just felt like the right place to come, might sound stupid but it made me feel special you know that I had a secret place that only I knew about" I let out a laugh at the end and he smiled with the corner of his mouth
"It's not stupid, let's sit down my feet hurt" Bucky said and we sit down
"How were you, as a kid?" He continued the conversation
"Well I was pretty stubborn and I really liked to annoy people" I answered laughing
"You still do that" he laughed looking at me
"Shut up man I only like to annoy you, but umm anyways even when I was a kid I always liked to also help people as much as I could, didn't like to think there were bad and good people only good ones that were misunderstood but my friendly always happy energy didn't help me as a teenager to be honest, being a kid was the best time of my life,I could eat ice-cream everyday, stay outside at the park all day, I got to play with toys when I wanted, live with no worries you know, well except the racism me and my family had to go trough and I hated we had to go trough it and my dad and mom struggled a lot to protect us, that was a bad part of life you know,not being accepted...." I finished watching the river when I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder and when I turned around I felt Bucky's arm around me
"Why are you hugging me?" I whispered keeping his body close to mine
"You just sound like you need a hug" the brown haired boy whispered back letting go of my body two seconds later
"What about you, how was your life as a kid?" I asked him
"Well I can't remember much since it was like more than 90 years ago you know" he let out a laugh and I chuckled "but i know I used to go out and watch kids playing different types of games and stuffs and I always was to shy to go and play with them, I didn't like being around people but I wanted to have friends, is a weird feeling. I was also very caring like always help my mom and dad around the house or do whatever I could to make them happy.." Bucky finished his talk and I smiled at him.
We stood there talking about random subjects for hours , getting along for once in our life but I just couldn't belive the man I love was right now staying with his shoulder glued to mine and he had no idea about my fellings.
"It s getting dark" he yawned leaning his head on my shoulder and my heartbeat started to race
"Umm Buck.." I said but I heard a little snore coming from him, somehow I knew this is the first time he slept in a while so carefully I let my body fall slowly into the grass not waking Bucky up and he moved and placed his head on my chest I closed my eyes and let my self drift to sleep peaceful for once...
Bucky Pov
I felt his heartbeat next to my ear and maybe is not gonna last long but for once in a long while I can allow myself to be happy even if it's just for one night.