Chapter 10
Peter had to wait a minute for them to get it together. All of them were too preoccupied with watching Winter go. He couldn't perceive why. They would see him soon enough.
When they did ultimately look at him, they all seemed weary and on guard, “Oh you can all relax, I may have been with HYDRA but that doesn't mean I was with HYDRA, you know?” It failed to lighten the mood as he planned. Well, if you can't beat them, join them. “Okay yes, I was working with HYDRA alongside my dear brother Winter however it should be made clear that it wasn't willing for either of us.”
“Look no offence Parker, but HYDRA doesn't seem the type to allow family relations.” Peter smirked at this and recited a brief version of his and Winter’s first meeting, adding on what he said to the handler at the end. It was again Stark that continued to talk, “So you're saying you attached yourself to a random man in a mere night, then risked extreme punishment just to keep him with you?” He sounded baffled, not seeing the full picture.
“What you have to consider is that neither of us had had someone to count on as long as we could remember, we were each other's only comfort, only escape from the handlers.” Each word was fused with the emotion he always felt around Winter, trying to convey their relationship with as little words as possible.
Rodgers interrupted his raving mind, taking a step closer to Peter and raising his arm, holding it just above his shoulder, “I get it son, I was trapped in ice for decades all alone too.” He offered Peter a smile that was probably meant to be comforting but it just infuriated him, especially with what he had just said.
How did being frozen compare? Wasn't he just constantly asleep? He peered at the man who still had that pitying smile on his face. “You think you understand?” When Rodgers didn't answer he sneered, ”I didn't retain anything solid. I knew I’d been to a bomb shelter before but I had no idea when. I didn't know who my parents were, I still don't today! Do you know the absolute terror I’ve experienced for the past seventy odd years? Knowing that if something went wrong, if I disobeyed then pain was sure to come.” He huffed out a breath at that.
“I could never even be sure what type. Winter and I were each other's weak spots. If one messed up then the other was punished, props to HYDRA because it was a goddamn effective method. I killed children, parents, tortured people for days on end just to protect my brother and I’d do it all again.
“Do you know I remember each one? There was a chair. I never understood the mechanics but it erased memories. Winter was put on it after missions all the time; he’d come back shaking and scared. They never erased me from his mind, so I could still comfort him. How do you think that felt, knowing you did something wrong but never knowing what? I felt like crap every time too because I was jealous.” He had to pause and sit on the floor, this was too much for him right now, seeing Winter was too raw. His throat burned from what he recognised as the aftermath of screaming.
“I would be jealous of the fact he couldn't remember. If we ever went on duo missions and he was made to forget afterwards I never divulged to him what happened, no matter what, even if it meant he wouldn't talk to me for days. I wouldn't tell him because I knew, and I still do, that the pain he feels would be ten times worse if he could see the faces. Little girls and little boys that had stared at their parents corpses, terrified and alone until I ended them. They haunt me, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, Captain Rogers, so excuse me if I don't quite believe that you understand and that I hope to whatever Gods that are out there you never will.
“I respect you sir, I really do but please don't ever try to compare our struggles. No amount of years in the ice would have left you like me.”
The last part had only just been loud enough for the Avengers to hear. Rodgers looked mortified and even Romanov looked ready to cry. The others seemed to be in similar states but Stark stepped out of his armour. He didn't seem ready to cry but still saddened as he knelt down to sit in front of Peter. “Hey Pete, I need you to calm down, okay? Just listen to my voice.” He took hold of Peter's hand gently and more confidently when he didn't flinch. Peter only just noted he wasn't breathing properly. “That’s it, come on Pete. In through the nose out through the mouth. Good boy.” Every word was murmured comfortingly, and the pressure on his hand was a constant reassurance.
When he did come back to himself he was quick to wipe the tears that had been silently falling down his cheeks, “Thank you, Mr. Stark and uh - sorry, everyone else.” His cheeks felt hot in embarrassment.
“No worries, kid.”
“Were you not listening? I’m older than you.” Peter was a little confused at that, Stark was meant to be a genius.
“I know Pete but there's no way HYDRA managed to find a way to reroute that brain of yours. I bet it's been functioning with the maturity of a terribly distressed eleven year old for years, right?’ The words were not judging, but he shouldn't have expected them to be, Stark hadn't said anything about his other differences, why would this one be any different? Therefore, Peter nodded.
“I'm an adult technically. I have the experience and intelligence of one but I still have some childish impulses that most teenagers find a bit odd. It's okay, though, because one friend I made since I ran from HYDRA really likes these things called Legos, sleepovers and Star Wars so I can have a lot of fun with him.” Stark was looking at him funnily now, that had never happened before and he started to wonder if he had crossed some sort of line.
“Why do all this then? If you only want to be a child then why not just be one?” It wasn't a question he had expected to be proposed, but he should have known Stark wouldn't miss something like that.
“Like I said, I am still an adult, I'm just a bit more childish. I lied as well, when I told you why I did this the first time. I became a vigilante for two main reasons. One was that it may have attracted Winter if he saw it, help me find him and two, I- uh, I have impulses. I don't know if they were trained into me or I’ve always had them but going too long without violence always left me on edge.” He shrugged his shoulders at the end, hoping it would negate the anger that would likely be produced at that statement.
To his surprise though, Stark remained calm, “What did you do before the vigilantism? Even criminals are usually hesitant to hurt children, so how did you get ‘your fill’?” It was because of the lack of judgement so far that Peter answered. Stark deserved to know who he was comforting after all.
“I signed up for every martial arts club we could afford, but none of them did it for me. It was a bunch of kids doing tricks he could perform in his sleep. So I tried adult classes, but they didn't work either. Eventually, I went to try some of the illegal stuff, like underground fight clubs and stuff but - wait, promise me you won't hate me afterwards?” The insecurity in his voice made him want to cringe himself. He sounded like a whiny kid.
“I can promise I wont judge.” When Stark swept his eyes over the other Avengers, he saw them all nod in agreement.
“I heard a cry, and it was from a little boy. I just knew it, so I went to find who it was. I said before I don't like to hurt kids, I’m not that much of a monster. A woman was holding him against the wall, trying to rape him, and I just couldn't let it happen. I was on her like a tiger, making her confess before executing her.
“I'd forgotten about the boy and when I did turn around he was nearly unresponsive. I didn't have time to deal with it, so I just gave him orders to call the police and how to describe me before leaving. After I left him is when I first decided to be a vigilante because nothing had ever made him feel more useful than stopping that woman.” He was out of breath by the time he finished, raw from all the emotions of the day. The tight grip on his hand made him face Stark.
“Thank you for telling me, kid. I know there's more to the story but if you would rather tell me later you could just go to sleep instead. Todays been quite a bit for you.” Peter nodded in agreement; sleep sounded great. He pulled himself closer to Stark. “I’m gonna lift you now okay? You just go to sleep, it'll be better when you wake up.” There was no protest from Peter as he wrapped round Stark and buried himself in his shoulder.
The behaviour was childish, and he was aware that the other Avengers were probably judging him but he couldn't bring himself to care. He didn't believe any of them would try to hurt him and even if they did, he trusted Stark enough to not let them. With that in mind he drifted off, dreaming of adventure Winter used to describe to him.