Hard to Handle
Steve Rogers loves you. Steve Rogers loves you. Steve Rogers loves you. Steve Rogers loves you…right? Why does it feel like he was suddenly going to turn against you? Tell you that he never really liked you? That he was just using for a fun time and now the fun was over? But Steve wasn’t like that. Steve wasn’t like that. Steve wasn’t like that. He was not Ransom Drysdale. He never was, and he never will be. But, still, why did it feel like you needed to build all of your walls back up?
It seemed that, even when Ransom had long since left your life, he still had an iron grip on you.
The first few months of your relationship with Steve went…so well. It was perfect, really. He listened to you. He cared for you. He treated you as an equal. But there was some part of you that was so scared that it was all conditional on…something. What that thing was you’d never know, but you were so sure that he would just wake up on one day, turn on you, and cast you to the side. That you’d have fallen for another man who would never love you, and you’d be back to picking up the shattered pieces of your heart.
So you found yourself unintentionally pushing him out before he could do the same. You got short with him, gave quick answers to his questions. Never really told him how you felt. Put off dates and, during the ones you did go on, you just couldn’t put your heart in them. Not when you were convinced he’d take that very same heart, crumble it up, and dump it in the trash.
And, Steve, he never understood why. He couldn’t even begin to understand why his angel was pushing him out of her life. Had…Had he done something wrong? Had he asked the wrong question? Had he said something out of line? Had he not shown you enough love? He tried to make up for whatever he did by being extra sweet to you, but that seemed to only make things worse. Only made you build your walls up even higher. What…What had he done? And what could he do to fix it?
He didn’t want to lose you.
He loves you.
One day, he showed up to your apartment, ready to get answers. He couldn’t live like this anymore. He had to know what he did so he could fix it. He wasn’t going to lose you over something he didn’t understand. He made a commitment to you, and he was going to make things right.
When you answered the door, though, you didn’t seem happy to see him. You never really seemed happy anymore. “Steve?” you asked. “What’re you doing here?”
“Needed answers, angel,” he said as you let him inside. “Why’re you shuttin’ me out?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“Angel, your heart’s not been in this relationship for weeks now, and I can’t understand why. I don’t…I don’t know what I did, but I wanna fix this. You mean so much to me, and if I’ve hurt you—”
“You haven’t hurt me,” you said quickly. Then, quieter, like you didn’t want him to hear: “Not yet, anyways.”
“What do you mean?” he asked, his brows furrowing together. Had he given some indication that he was gonna hurt you? Because that was never his intent, and he had no clue what had given you such an idea.
“I mean, I know things just don’t…go like this. Things aren’t this easy,” you explained. “Sooner or later, you’re gonna realize I’m not the one for you and you’re gonna leave, and I don’t think I can handle that. No, I know I can’t handle that. I can’t fix my heart again if you break it. And the only way I know I won’t get hurt is if—”
You cut yourself off with a sob, and Steve quickly pulled you into his arms. He rubbed your back, shushing you as you cried. “Angel, is there something that’s happened that you haven’t told me? ‘Cause I promise you, if someone hurt you like that before, I’d never do the same to you. I can promise you that, angel, and I mean it.”
When your sobs quieted enough for you to speak again, you said, “This guy…the ex that made me realize I needed to leave Boston…He just…I don’t know. He made me feel like shit. Called me so many name, berated me, made me feel like I was the scum on his shoe. But I was so sure I loved him, that he might’ve loved me, too. And when he did that, it just hurt in a way I can’t even begin to describe.”
Steve titled your chin up so you’d look at him, and his heart almost broke at the sight of your teary eyes. He just wanted to kiss all of your pain away, but first he had to make sure you know how he felt about you. “Angel, I’m not him. I’ll never hurt you like that. Even if we broke up, and I don’t ever want to, it won’t end like that. I love you too much to do that to you. You don’t have to build your walls up around me, and I’ll spend every day of the rest of my life trying to prove that to you. I love you for exactly who you are, and there’s nothing I’d change about you.”
“Nothing?”
“Well, maybe your last name, eventually, but that can wait for now,” he teased. “But, really, angel, you’re my girl, and I just wanna make you feel loved if you’ll let me. Will you let me?”
“Yeah, I’ll let you,” you said, your head falling back on his chest. “I’m sorry for acting like this.”
“It’s not your fault. I know how heartache can hurt and how it can make you do crazy things. While I wish you’d said something to me, I understand why you didn’t. But you did now, and we can work to make this better. I won’t just push you out ‘cause shit gets hard.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
And, though you still had doubts clouding your mind, you chose to believe him. Steve wasn’t Ransom after all. No, he was much better. He was the man you loved, and he loved you back just as much, if not more. He was the man who deserved your heart, and he was the man who’d make sure you never had to pick up shattered pieces of yourself ever again.