Chapter 8
"Hey, Mom?" I look at Gamora and raise an eyebrow slightly. "What was your favorite memory with our Dad?"
"Oof... That's a hard one... Um..." I lean back in my chair, crossing my arms as I think, and smile a bit. "OK, the main memory I can think of right now is when we were kids. We were both thirteen, I think. I had just gotten back from a one solar cycle trip to Pops's ship and I'm talking to Gamora, who you're named after, while I'm walking backward through the ship and I have Groot in my hands because he was a tiny thing."
"OK."
"Your Dad and I had a little thing we'd do. If one of us bumped into the other, whoever got bumped into shoved the one that bumped into them and we'd bicker. I bumped into him while I was walking backward and he shoved me a tiny bit. He never wanted to shove me too hard because he was worried he'd hurt me. So, we go back and forth a little bit with the bickering. We tell each other fuck you because that's basically how we'd say hi as kids. And we go back and forth a little before we both tell later and we go back to what we were doing."
"Why's that your favorite memory with him?"
"It's hard to pick a favorite memory because all of them are good ones. Well... Almost all of them."
"What do you mean?"
"He once accused me of cheating on him with Tex after I had a miscarriage because of people who were salty with me."
"Huh... OK... Hey!"
"What?"
"Your biological grandfather was a Celestial along with your Mom, right?"
"Ego? Yeah... Why?"
"They could change their forms, right?"
"I don't know."
"Ego could," Rocket says and I nod a bit, looking at Thor.
"As could Solstice."
"OK. Cool. Why do you ask?" I look at the kids and they talk quietly to each other before looking at me.
"Can you?"
"I don't know. I never tried."
"Could you?"
"Why?"
"Cuz, we could play pranks on people." I open my mouth to say something before closing it, thinking about that, and finish my drink. "And it would be hilarious. Especially if it was Steve doing stupid shit." I nod a bit and look at them.
"No," Doc says and I look at them.
"What?"
"No. That's a terrible idea."
"OK, but-"
"No."
"Yeah, but-"
"No."
"OK, yeah, but-"
"No."
"Can you stop saying no and just listen?"
"No. Do not change into Steve to make a fool out of him. Change into someone who's already made a fool of themselves."
"Fair."
"What? No! That's worse," Pepper argues and I look at her. "You should not take someone's form to make a fool out of them. Ever."
"OK. What if... I get their consent to do so?"
"What?"
"Like... What if... I were to ask Peter if I could do it..."
"Yes."
"See? He said I could and he's an adult... So... Yeah. What argument do you have now?"
"None, honestly..."
"Mama!" I look toward the door to see Quill toddle in with a holopad and I pick her up when she gets close.
"Hey, kiddo. What you got there?" She sets it on the table and presses it before holographic pictures pop up. "Oh. You found Gramps's secret photos. How'd you get it unlocked?" She smiles at me and I run my fingers through her hair gently.
"Look?"
"You wanna look through them?" She nods and Yondu taps a few things before the pictures start to slowly go through, starting at whenever I'd be staring out the window in Controls on the Eclector.
"You look so amazed," Peter says and I smile a bit.
"Cuz I was. Those are from when I got picked up. I thought it was all a dream." It goes through a few more pictures and I see the one that Charlie had talked about. "That's how he looked at me?"
"Yeah, kid."
"He looked at me like that all the time. It was obvious he cared about me. I was more careful, not oblivious. To him." I smile a bit and hold Quill while she stands in my lap to look at the pictures.
They start to show me as an adult and show my outfit for the mission before the crap went down with Atar. "Holy shit! That's you?" Gamora looks at me and I scoff slightly.
"Yeah. I don't wear shit like that anymore."
"Why?" I shrug and Quill was trying to climb on the table.
"Quill. No climbing on the table." She points to Yondu and I roll my eyes slightly, passing her to him.
"Wha'?"
"She wants you. Take her."
"Wha'?" Kraglin takes her and sets her in Yondu's lap. "Boy, Ah oughta," He drifts off when Quill cuddles up to him and watches the pictures go by more.
"You were saying?"
"Shut it, Girl." I chuckle softly and watch the pictures, seeing one of me and Jay dancing on our wedding day. I smile a bit and see more pictures from that day followed by ones of me interacting with the crew, the kids, doing Captain things, not putting up with anyone's bullshit, and more.
"Hold up. You took a picture after you did that?" I glare at Yondu and he smirks, snickering softly. "Asshole." He shrugs and I glance at Quill to see she was getting tired.
"You weren't too careful about showing you cared about Loki," Martinex smirks and I smile a bit, watching the pictures go through pictures of me with Loki, the kids, the Avengers, my family, and more with Loki.
The last one is us resting our heads together after our kiss while Quill was in our arms and Quill reaches out to touch his face. "Dada," She murmurs sleepily and I look at her with a sad smile.
"That's right, baby. That's your Daddy. Come on. Time for you to go to sleep." I gently take her from Yondu and hold her on my hip. "Get that unit card from Peter and give it to Nebula or one of those two when you're done paying for this. Night, guys."
"What about dessert?"
"You're gonna be staying to get it, Gamora. I'm going to get Quill down."
"OK."
"Want Dada," Quill whines and I run my fingers through her hair gently.
"I know, baby... I know you do... Come on... Let's go get you to sleep, OK?" I manage to keep my voice steady and leave with her, rubbing her back gently. "I want your Daddy too..."
"Wes go get him?" She asks as we go into my Quarters and I get a bottle ready for her.
"No, baby. We can't go get your Daddy."
"Why?"
"Cuz he did something super brave to keep us safe and he's resting now. Remember?"
"Wes wake him?"
"No, honey... We can't wake him... He can't wake up... He's with the stars now..."
"Oh... Kay..." I try to give her her bottle and she hits it away.
"Quill."
"Mama no does it right. Like Dada way."
"I know, baby... But your Daddy isn't here anymore... Remember?" I hear the door open behind me and pick the bottle up again, cleaning it off as the door shuts again, no one inside with us. "Come on, sweetheart... Time to sleep..."
"No care! Hate Mama! Want Dada! Want Dada here, not Mama! Hate you!"
"OK... That's OK... I understand... I'm gonna put you in your bed with your bottle, OK? And I'll be right upstairs if you need me..."
"Need Dada! Hate you!" I set her in her bed with her bottle and try to kiss her head but she moves away. "Hate you!"
"OK... Good night, baby... Sweet dreams..." She starts to drink her bottle and lays in her bed. I go upstairs and sit on my bunk, tears streaking down my face as the voices start to drown me. I grab his pillow and hug it close, slowly breathing in his scent. "If happy ever after did exist, I would still be holding you like this... All those fairy tales are full of shit... One more fucking love song, I'll be sick," I sing softly into his pillow and try to get rid of the voices with no success. I put his pillow back and grab a blanket, feeling like I'm freezing, before going back downstairs to get myself a stiff drink.
Quill had fallen asleep and I notice Odin and Frigga were laying on a makeshift bed with Loki between them while my unit card was on the bar. I ignore it for now and grab a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of Asgardian ale along with an empty bottle. I mix them in the empty bottle and use half of each to make the new drink. I take the bottle out to Controls and sit in my Captain's chair with it, drinking as I look through a holopad.
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The kids board with the adults that went with them, along with the rest of my crew that ate with me, and I glance at them for a moment before looking at the holopad again. "Get to your bunks and go to sleep."
"Yes, Captain." They go to do that and I take another swing from my bottle, ignoring the looks I could feel were directed at me.
"What?" I ask after a few minutes, not looking up, and they don't respond. "You guys should go get some sleep too instead of staring at me." I hear them walk away and hear Steve and Bucky talking to each other quietly.
"Captain."
"What, Bucky?"
"Is it alright if the three of us go somewhere to talk?"
"Fine. Where?"
"Where you ate earlier?"
"Fine." I stand and grab my unit card from the bar, laying the blanket over the ones on the floor before making sure Quill was covered up too. I go back out and lead the way off the ship, toward the building we were in earlier.
"Hello again, Captain. Another private area tonight?"
"Yeah. Just us three this time."
"That area down the hall on the right just opened and has been cleaned. There is a pitcher of water on the table, as well."
"Great." I lead the way to it and sit in a chair facing the door while they both sit across from me as I notice a bottle of Rhone was there too. I reach for it and Bucky puts a glass of water in my hand instead while Steve moves the Rhone off of the table.
"You should drink that instead," Bucky says firmly and it frustrates me while also soothing me. Mainly soothing me...
"Whatever," I mutter and take a drink.
"Good." I ignore how that one word makes me feel better and shove it down. "I've got a request."
"What?"
"Right now, in this room... We aren't a Captain and her crew. We're three people. Think you can handle that?"
"Fine."
"Alright. How are you doing, Rogue?"
"I'm doing fine. How are you guys doing?"
"Better than you are. Drowning your sorrows in mixed booze. What'd you say when you were getting ready to send your parents into the deep? All that does is give you relief for five seconds then you're hungover?" Steve looks at me, arms crossed on the table, while Bucky was in that same position but his arms were crossed over his chest and he was leaning back in his chair.
"That's what I said."
"Then why bother trying it?"
"Cuz why not?"
"Because it's not worth it and it's not a good way to go about it. Do you know how long it would take for you to get drunk enough to drown them?"
"Nope."
"Thor said it took your mother a day and a half of drinking. You're stronger than she is. Imagine how long it would take for you."
"You think I won't drink only alcohol for a week? If so, you're sorely mistaken."
"That's what we wanted to talk to you about, in a sense," Bucky says after he had watched the conversation go down in silence and I look at him.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Tell me, Rogue. How would Loki help you when you got like this?"
"None of your business," I say simply and take a drink of the water.
"I bet I can guess. And if I guess right, you've got to be straight with us and tell us the truth, answering any questions we ask. Got it?"
"Sure, Bucky. Have at it. How would he help me when I got like this?" I lean back in my chair and cross my arms sightly.
"He'd take you over his knee in private," He says simply and I don't respond, staring at him. He quirks an eyebrow at me as he meets my gaze head-on and I look away after a few moments.
"What do you want to know?" I ask softly and adjust how my arms are crossed slightly to kind of hold myself.
"How are you really?"
"F-"
"No lying," He reminds me simply yet gently and I shut my mouth, not sure how to give an honest answer to that question as I set my glass on the table. He waits patiently for a few minutes and nods a bit. "Alright. How about an easier one... You feel cold?"
"Like I'm freezing," I whisper and he nods.
"They got something warm to drink here that isn't alcohol?" I nod a bit and he looks at me. "I'd prefer it if you were to answer verbally."
"Yeah, they do... They also have blankets..."
"Alright. Do we have to order it or make it?"
"Either... If we make it, it's over on the bar..." He nods and looks at Steve.
"On it, Buck." He goes to make it and would still be able to hear our conversation.
"Alright, Rogue. How are you doing? Truthfully," He reminds me gently and I look at my hands, messing with my nails slightly, my gloves on the table, as I think to the answer.
"I... I'm not fine," I whisper after a minute or so and he nods a bit. "I feel like I'm moments away from breaking down... All the time... And... I hate it," I finish in a whisper and he nods again.
"Alright. Do you trust me and Steve?" I look at him, confused, and he smiles gently. "Do you trust us?"
"Yeah..."
"Good. You're doing great," He praises gently and I relax slightly. "Now... Would you mind if Steve and I helped you the same way Loki did?"
"What?"
"We'd essentially be your Loki, the same way I have Buck," Steve explains as he sets the drink in front of me and I wrap my hands around it when Bucky motions for me to do so.
"OK... Why would you want to do that?"
"It was Steve's idea. He doesn't want you struggling the way he struggled when I was gone."
"Alright... But... Would it just be that or would it be... More?" I sip on the drink and he looks at Steve before they talk quietly. I just drink the hot drink and relax slightly as it warms me up a bit.
"It all depends on how you feel about it, Rogue. Do you want what we've offered so far?" I think as I hold the cup and pull a knee against my chest, feeling safer in that position.
"What would happen if I said yes?"
"We'd talk about rules and expectations then deal with how you're feeling right now. Loki and I have different methods, though."
"How?"
"Well, first off, I have this," He flexes his metal hand slightly and I nod after a moment. "And I don't just take a brat over my knee. But, I'd have to guess you're used to not being over someone's knee cuz of your Gramps, huh?"
"Yeah..."
"What'd he have you bend over?"
"His desk because I couldn't put holes in it with my nails as I did with his couch cushion one time..."
"Bet he was pissed about that."
"Thought he was going to take his belt to my ass again then he just starts laughing and makes me fix it... While sitting on one of those hard fucking stools at his bar... Hurt like all the Hells..." I finish the drink and set the empty cup on the table, holding my knee close as I rest my chin on it, looking at the table.
"He ever wear a belt out on you?"
"Kinda... He kept the one he'd tan Dad with and damn did it last long with him... He used it on me one time and it fucking snapped as it was coming down and got me in my side... That hurt like a bitch, even through the layers I wear... He said shit in languages I didn't know existed and my chip couldn't pick up before he started laughing about breaking the damned thing... Then he got worried because I was on the floor in pain..."
"Why?"
"I had been about to start my cycle and the cramps were the worst that day... The belt snapping hit where it hurt the worst and made it unbearable..."
"How many times he tan your hide with that belt?"
"That was the second time, I think... It was after I had stolen the Milano because Dad pissed me off..."
"Was that the worst one you ever got from him?"
"He's only had to tan me... Five times, maybe... And out of the five, that was one of the worst ones... The other one was when I told off Irani after I got stabbed by a Skrull..."
"I'm curious about something." I look at Bucky and he was leaning back in his chair again. "Do you not consider Tex a Skrull?"
"Nope. Tex is a Tex and a Ravager."
"He has his own species now?"
"Yep," I smirk slightly and they grin a bit.
"Alright. You ready to talk rules?"
"Yeah... Um..." I pull a holopad from my inside jacket pocket and unlock it, handing it to him after a moment. "Here..."
"What're these?"
"Loki's rules... I, uh, I made a copy of them and kept it on me... It... It made me feel... Safe...?" I end in a whisper and look at the table instead of them.
"That one about the blaster and a Nova Corpsman is specific," Steve scoffs and I nod a bit.
"That's what I said... I was not in a good place mentally when I did that," I admit softly and mess with my nails again.
"That much was obvious," Bucky says gently and I nod a bit, pushing my glasses higher on the bridge of my nose as I look at them a bit. "Alright. These rules are good. But, I'm adding a few. No locking us out. No putting yourself in unnecessary danger by being a self-sacrificing asshole. At least two meals a solar cycle. At least... Steve?"
"At least six hours of sleep a night."
"No overdosing on Stims and a max of two caffeinated drinks before 1200. That doesn't mean you can use a large cup or bottle and have two of those. The cups in Mess are the size they have to be in. If they're bigger than that, only one before 1200."
"What if it's only a little bigger?"
"Don't care. Two of the Mess cups or one of anything bigger than it. If it's in a bottle, half the bottle before 1200."
"After 1200?"
"A max of five a solar cycle. So you can have three throughout it. Be respectful at all times, toward both of us."
"OK. What do I call you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Honorifics?"
"Ah. The go-to should be Sir for both of us. Stevie's older than you and has been by my side longer so he's got some authority with you, too. He'd be Sir as well."
"And if you're both dealing with me being a dumbass and an asshole?"
"No talking down on yourself. If you do, your mouth's getting washed out with soap," Bucky says sternly and I look at the table. "Got it?"
"Yeah..." I keep looking at the table and he grabs my chin with his metal hand, lifting my head to make eye contact with me.
"Got it?"
"Yes, Sir," I say softly and he nods.
"Good." He lets go of my chin and I wring my hands slightly. "Now. For when we're both helping you, we'd still be Sir but you need to make eye contact with whoever you're referring to. If you mean both of us, you don't have to."
"OK... Um... The ship has passages to certain areas and Quarters... Your guys' Quarters are one of them... They're locked off with a code only I have... Do you want me to give it to you?"
"Why would you do that? No hiding. Not this time."
"If I don't... Someone will find out and... I... I'll lose everything else," I whisper and they look at me.
"Rogue. Look at me." I look at Bucky slightly and he looks back at me with gentle eyes. "Your crew would never allow anything like that to happen. Neither would your family. Right?"
"Right..."
"Then why are you worried?"
"It... I... They..." I can't think clearly as the voices start to drown me again and I rest my forehead against my knee with a soft whine. "These stupid voices... Always give me reasons to worry... And remind me of how much of a freak I am... And they won't leave me alone," I admit in a whisper and keep trying to get rid of the voices.
"Alright. Well, those voices are wrong." I hear a chair scrape away from the table and someone gently taps my foot. I look at Bucky and he gently grabs my hands to stop me from wringing them. "What are they saying and whose voices are they using?"
"There are too many to make that stuff out when they get this bad," I whisper and he nods a bit. "Because they're just drowning me... And I can't get them to shut up... And I hate it..." He holds my hands in one of his and uses his metal hand to gently cup my face, brushing away tears I didn't know I had shed.
"You agree to the rules? Answer properly," He reminds gently and I take a small, shaky breath.
"Yes, Sir," I whisper and he nods.
"Good. Then, let's go help you out, alright? Who's sleeping in your Quarters right now?"
"Quill, Odin, Frigga, and Loki..."
"Then we'll use the Milano this time so we can have the privacy and it's docked away from the ship. Alright?"
"Alright..."
"Alright. Let's go help you out. Gloves on, please."