Bucky has been crashing with Steve since he came back from the blip. Steve apparently bought this small, beautiful country house on a couple acres with a barn, a few hours from the city in upstate New York. He invited Bucky to stay with him for "as long as he needs," even if that was forever. Truth be told, Steve kind of hoped it would be forever wanting Bucky to stay close to him. He could put aside how in love he was with the other man, as long as he was at least there. Not having his friend for five years after just getting him back, he refused to lose him again. This included him trying to secretly entice Bucky not to return to Wakanda. Sure Steve visited him often during his time there years ago, but he was so far away. But he knew Bucky had enjoyed his time there. Steve used to love to hear Bucky gush over his goats. It was absolutely adorable, not that he would ever tell the other man.
After Bucky disappeared, he never gave up hope that he would find a way to bring him back. He believed in this so much that he had actually bought this house shortly after he was gone, deciding that if he ever got Bucky back, he would give him the life he deserved, some peace. Again, not something he would ever admit to Bucky. It was, in fact, a little weird to buy your best friend a beautiful home in hopes he would live with you. But he did make sure as soon Bucky agreed to stay there, that he got some goats. He had loved seeing the brunette's face light up at the site of them when he first got there. Steve again played it off like he had goats all along, and didn't specifically but them for his friend.
Steve was around the house most days, having retired as Captain America, passing the shield onto Sam Wilson. He would sit on their big front porch and draw whatever caught his eye. Most of the time, the thing that caught his eye would be Bucky, doing various things around the property. It always seems like Bucky is continuously so restless, always trying to busy himself. Steve didn't mind, gave him something to draw.
Bucky was way more likely to leave the house. Sometimes he would go on missions with Sam, being away for a few days at time. Steve knew the man could hold his own obviously, but Sam still sent him secret texts every time, letting him know Bucky was okay.
Also, as part of the conditions of Bucky's pardon, he must drive in the city once a week to meet with his court appointed therapist. Steve thinks it's ridiculous that he even has conditions to his pardon considering that Bucky was a literal prisoner of war and was tortured and brainwashed for years. He let the government know exactly how he felt about it, but it didn't make a difference. So as it stands, once a week, Bucky has to drive two hours into the city to deal with it, even if it wasn't helping him, really.
Today was one of those days. Bucky had left early in the morning before Steve even woke up, probably trying to beat the city traffic. His appointment is 9am so Steve wasn't expecting him home until close to 1pm. Steve was using this opportunity to plan a surprise for his friend. Bucky had been sleeping on the floor in the living room. Steve had told him that the couch was a pull-out sofa bed, but Bucky still didn't use it. Steve assumed that it must not have been a comfortable mattress if the floor was more comfortable. Sometimes in the middle of the night while Steve was fast asleep, Bucky would sneak into his room and lay on the floor. Steve would find him there in the morning. Bucky had told him that the soft rug in Steve's room was more comfortable than the hardwood of the living room. He obviously didn't mind Bucky being in his room, he just didn't like that he was sleeping on the floor.
Steve had felt absolutely terrible that his friend was sleeping like this, knowing Bucky was having nightmares, even though he never talked about them. The floor couldn't be helping his sleep, so he was having a brand-new queen-size bed delivered and set up in the empty guest room. He had planned to make this Bucky's room all along, he just hadn't wanted to seem pushy when the man first showed up. But it's been three months at this point, so he pulled the trigger. The bed was so comfortable, and Steve had picked out beautiful bedding that was soft and luxurious. He knew he may have gone overboard but he hoped Bucky wouldn't point that out.
Steve was just finishing setting up the bed and making it all nice and fancy when he heard Bucky's car pull up the long dirt driveway. When Bucky enters the house, he calls out "Stevie, I'm home! I grabbed some food from the diner up the street for lunch. "
Steve smiles to himself as he listens to the man using the familiar nickname towards him. If anyone else called him that, he would hate it, making him feel little again. But with Bucky it always just made him feel warm. He made his way to where Bucky was at, standing in the kitchen.
“Hey bud,” Steve smiled as he steps towards the other man, holding out a bag a food at him. “Thanks.” He says as he takes it.
“No problem, I was starving so I figured I’d grab you something too.” Bucky smiles back, heading to the kitchen table, Steve following close behind.
“How much was my lunch? I’ll grab my wallet after we eat.” He says as he sits next to Bucky, maybe it was weird that they always sat next to each other and not across from one another, but its what they always did. Neither man would ever admit that it was because they wanted to be as close as possible to the other, both too oblivious that the other man wanted the same thing.
“What are you talking about? Its on me.” Bucky laughs “You have let me stay at your house for months and have refused to take any money for it, I think I can afford lunch."
He would never consider taking money from Bucky. For years when they lived together as young adults, Bucky had supported him when he was too sick to work. “It’s the least I can do.” Steve says, shrugging his shoulders and then changing the subject before the other man had a chance to argue. “So how was your appointment, Buck?”
“Uh, fine.” He says dismissively. Steve expected this. Bucky never goes into detail about these sessions. Steve wants to respect his friend’s privacy, doesn’t want to force him to talk about the nightmares and whatever else he may be discussing in the privacy of his therapist office. But that doesn’t mean that Steve doesn’t want to help. Not wanting to push though, Steve just nods in response.
They finish eating, talking about little day to day things, just enjoying each other’s company. After lunch, Bucky stands up and starts heading back out the door.
“Where are you heading?” Steve asks instinctively, before reminding himself that it was none of his business.
“I’m going to go check on the goats.” He beams at Steve. They only have four but Steve loves how much Bucky seems to love them. But he really wants to show him his surprise before he goes outside.
“Hold up a second, okay? I have something I want to show you first.” Steve asks.
“Okay?” Bucky gives a questioning glance as the blonde stands up and starts towards the hallway, signaling for him to follow.
They get to the guest/Bucky’s new bedroom. Steve opens the door, Bucky following behind. Bucky’s eyes went wide at the sight of the bed, It looked warm and inviting, but not something Bucky wanted to sleep on. He says “What’s this?”
"Surprise, you like it?" Steve smiles at him. “I figured it's not fair you sleep on the floor, so I got you this."
Bucky looks dumbfounded. He doesn't want to appear ungrateful, especially with Steve smiling so sweetly at him, so he says "Uh thanks, Steve.." But inside he was fighting with himself. On one hand yeah he went to sleep on something soft and comfortable like this bed, but on the other hand, this room was too far away from where he wanted to be. He liked the living room because Steve's room is right off it and he liked being close to Steve. Steve was his safe space, his anchor to reality. That's why on particularly bad nights, he would end up on Steve's floor. Obviously, he’d never tell Steve the truth about why he was in there, always lying the next morning. This new bedroom though is all the way down the hallway.
He also liked sleeping on the floor, as he connected to a time in his he and Steve were happy and he was not always plagued with nightmares, when they would pull out pillows and blankets, laying on the floor, having sleepovers way too late into their teen years, before moving in together after Sarah died. That was the last time he slept in a bed, too. When they were too poor to afford two, but Steve always insisted that they share because he didn’t think it was fair that he got the bed and Bucky got nothing. Bucky would tell himself that the reason he always ended up pulling Steve too close was to stay warm, but he knew he was lying to himself. Anyways, since then he only wanted to sleep in a bed if Steve was in their too.
Steve noticed the trepidation in his voice. He says "What is it, Buck? Is it the bedding? I knew it was too much, I'm sorry."
Bucky shakes his head. "No Stevie, it's perfect." He flashes a beautiful smile. Steve had gone out of his way to get him this, and he did not want the blonde man to think he didn't like it, even if the thought of sleeping in here tonight alone terrified him.
Steve tentatively nods his head, knowing that the other man isn't telling him something but doesn't want to push. But he wasn't imagining it, something seemed off about Bucky’s reaction.
~
The rest of the day was fine, neither man thinking much about the bed. But now it was 2am and Bucky found himself shooting up from a nightmare. He couldn't fall asleep on the bed; he just could not get comfortable. But he didn't want to let Steve know that, after all it was a wonderful gift. So, he falls asleep on his own bedroom floor.
But that sleep had been interrupted by another nightmare. This time it wasn't a victim of the Winter Soldier. It was a nightmare of the torture at the hands of Hydra. He had woken up sweaty and his heart was pounding out of his chest. Tears stained his cheeks; he must have been crying in his sleep. It felt too real, and he found himself shaking.
Usually he would look over at Steve's bedroom door, using his serum enhanced hearing to listen in on the steady breaths indicating that Steve was sleeping. But more importantly, seeing it as a way to ground himself back into reality. He never talks about his nightmares with Steve. He doesn't want to add more weight onto the other man's shoulders. Steve has been looking out for him ever since he found out he was the Winter Soldier, literally almost getting himself killed and breaking up The Avengers over Bucky. It felt so weird because back when they were younger, it was Bucky who used to look out for Steve. So, he was fine to handle his nightmares on his own if he could silently assure himself that at least Steve was near and real.
But he couldn't do that this time, this room is so separated from Steve. He knows Steve meant well when getting this room ready for him. But Bucky hated being so far away. It's not like its Steve's fault though. How could he know that the only reason Bucky is still holding on, trying to make it through each day was because of him. The truth is Bucky is so in love with Steve and Steve is the only person in the world that makes him feel safe.
Against his better judgment, Bucky picks up his pillow and quietly leaves his bedroom. He pads softly down the hallway, trying his best to remain silent. He plans on quietly slipping into Steve's room and sleeping on the floor. The nightmare had really messed him up, and he couldn't shake the fears he felt reliving his torture through his dream. He needed Steve's presence, the little noises he makes as he sleeps, the smell that filled his bedroom that was so quintessentially him. He would have to make up some excuse in the morning about why he was on the floor given that he has his own bed now, but at this moment he really needed this.
He cracks Steve's door open slowly, trying to mitigate the amount of noise he was making. Steve appears asleep as he looks in, so he slowly enters the room, closing the door behind him. He makes his way to a spot on the floor at the end of Steve's bed. Before he could lay down though, he heard a sleepy voice say "Bucky?"
He freezes in his tracks, looking like a deer in the headlights at the now sitting up man staring at him from his bed, flipping on the side table light. He doesn’t know what to do or say as Steve stares at him, confused on why he was there. He could only hear his heart pounding in his ears, the deafening silence around him making it feel like his world was crashing in around him.
It’s Steve who breaks through that silence though, noticing in the light Bucky’s tear stained face. He whispers in a soft voice as he tries to put his friend at ease. “What is it, Buck?” Steve’s own features painted over in worry.
Bucky feels even worse now. He had thought Steve was asleep, and now because of his carelessness, Steve was now worried about him. He tries to speak as calmly as possible, but the adrenaline and fear that was still pumping through him from his dream, made it hard to control his voice. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be in here.” His voice cracks like he was holding back a sob, as he turns on his heels to leave, hoping that Steve will never bring this up again.
As he reaches the door though, he feels a hand on his shoulder, stilling him in his spot. He forgot how fast Steve could be. Steve had put something together when he saw Bucky’s face and reaction. He feels so dumb for not putting it together sooner when he first caught Bucky on his floor months ago. Steve doesn’t say anything, just steps between the other man and the door, throwing his arms around him, and pulling him into a hug.
For Bucky’s part, he wants to resist, pull away, never talk about this again. He wants Steve to not worry about him. But he is not strong enough. As soon he feels Steve’s arms around him, he can’t help but lean into. He buries his head into the crook of Steve’s neck, letting his arms wrap around Steve’s waist. That’s when Steve feels silent tears against his skin as Bucky starts to cry despite his attempts to hold back the tears. But now that the dam is open he can't stop.
Steve moves a hand to the back of Bucky’s head, stroking his hair softly, whispering “It’s alright, Buck…it’s alright…I’m here.” He hopes he is saying the right thing. Apparently, he is, as he feels the other man grip him tighter. All Steve wants to do is make all his friend’s pain go away. Bucky is the best person he has ever known, and it’s not fair that he must bear all this trauma, these nightmares, more pain than anyone person should ever have to endure.
Bucky starts to tremble in Steve's arms, pretty sure that if it weren't for Steve holding him up, his knees would give out right now. He whimpers "I'm sorry...I'm sorry…." Suddenly, Bucky's body goes stiff with fear in Steve's arms and then it's like he was not there anymore.
He isn't in Steve's arms, he is in a cold metal room deep in Hydra's base.Accept it wasn't him, it was the asset, the Winter Soldier, the thing that was not him but always intrinsically tied to him. He shared it's memories, it's pain. He, the asset, just got back from a mission and something went wrong, a couple of their guys get killed. It hadn't been his, its, fault but it was there favorite thing to punish, to take out their anger at when a mission went wrong, because the asset couldn't fight, it and Bucky sharing a headspace, having to just take it. Those who abused the asset only had to leave it in good enough shape for the technicians to still clean up, wipe, and start over for the next time he was thawed.
The Winter Soldier was strapped to a chair, where he was given orders not to fight back. The men surrounding had berated him, and assaulted him wooden rods and electric shocks that left him smelling of burnt hair. It hurt like hell, the men going far enough where he would have been dead had he not been a super soldier. Times like this Bucky's voice would push through to the top of his, letting out little sobs and screams, the torture too much him. Tears broke free, and no matter how hard the asset fought, he could not stop them. The asset passes out. He passes out.
Suddenly he shoots up, and looks around the room frantically, confusion covering his face when he sees Steve sitting on the edge of the bed holding a glass of water. Bucky's face was still tear stained. He is in the middle of the bed...Steve's bed..as the other man watches him, his face looking scared and anxious. Bucky thinks Steve is too gorgeous for his face to be distorted by all those bad emotions. Bucky vaguely remembers being in Steve's arms a few moments ago...and then he was not. He rubs his face, Steve staring carefully at him, like if he stares too hard he might break his friend into two, he is keeping his distance, not wanting to touch Bucky in fear of spooking the other man.
Finally Steve whispers "Are you alright?" While reaching his hand out to Bucky so he may grab the water glass from his hand. Bucky instinctively takes it, taking a large sip. Steve was so sweet to him, even having something as simple as water ready for him. Bucky blushes at the thought before returning to the issues at hand.
"Yea, Stevie...I'm fine...what happened?" He looks at Steve, disoriented and confused trying to piece together what happened, why he was in Steve's bed.
Steve scoots closer on the bed, so he could reach Bucky's out stretched legs, tentatively placing a comforting hand on Bucky's knee, waiting to see the other man's reaction. Bucky lets it rest there, actually he felt safer this way.
Steve replies to his question softly, trying to hide how scared he was when he replies. "I was holding...hugging you and suddenly you started apologizing before falling into a trance. It was like you were awake but not with me. You started to thrash in my arms, so I helped you to the ground, not wanting you to feel trapped by me but also not wanting you to fall to the ground. You kept screaming out in pain, asking them to stop… no begging them."' Bucky watches as Steve closed his eyes like he was remembering something particularly painful, before looking at him again. "And then you passed out, and I was so worried, so I moved you here and waited. You have been out for almost half an hour now. And Buck...I'm so sorry."
Suddenly the memory plays in Bucky's head, the torture and pain, not so much reliving it like a few minutes ago but just remembering it. He must have had a flashback brought on by PTSD. He doesn't have these often, only when the nightmares get the worst. He looks into Steve's bright blue eyes focused on him, wondering why he was apologizing now. "Why are you apologizing?" His voice quiet, embarrassment starting to take over knowing that Steve saw him so vulnerable, so weak again, another thing for Steve to deal with.
"Buck…" Steve's voice was unsteady. "I'm sorry that you had to go through years of torture, I'm so sorry I didn't save you that day on the train. I let you get captured because I was too dumb to realize you could be a live."
Bucky shakes his head in disbelief. Of course his friend would blame himself. He lets out a little huff before responding, his eyes seeing into Steve's. "Steven Grant Rogers, I hate to break it to you, but that is the stupidest thing you have ever said."
Steve goes to open his mouth in reply before Bucky cuts him off. "I don't want to hear it. What Hydra did was Hydra's fault. They are the ones that hurt me, not you. No, you are the one who tried to single handedly take down Hydra to avenge me. You were the one who almost let me kill him to get me back. You are the one who broke up the Avengers, and went on the run for me. And…" Bucky pauses, thinking over his next words carefully. "That's the reason I do not want you to have to deal with my nightmares and flashbacks. You have done too much for me already….My mess is too much." His voice gets shaky, guilt pushing through to the surface.
Steve smiles sadly at his friend. "I guess we are both saying dumb things tonight. Cuz here's the thing, pal. You are never too much for me. I'm here to help you through anything, even if it is just a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to, someone to hug you. It's what we do. We are Bucky and Steve, always there for each other no matter how messy. It's been like this since you kicked Ricky Smith in the balls on my 4th birthday for pushing me into the mud and trying to blow out my candles. Til the end of the line, 'member?" Steve flashes that beautiful smile, sending sparkles to his eyes, the thing that has never changed regardless of his size. The first thing Bucky ever noticed about Steve.
Bucky swallows hard, taking in the weight of what Steve just said. He looks down at the strong hand on his knee, and without processing what he was doing, moves his hand down so it rests gently on top of the other hand, slotting his fingers in between Steve's. He doesn't know why he did it and when he finally realizes what he did, he turns bright red, rushing to pull back.
Before his can get far though, he feels Steve's hand leave his knee so it could reach up and gently grab the wrist of the fleeting hand. Bucky is sure Steve must be able to hear his heart pounding against his rib cage.
The blonde haired man says "You... didn't need to move your hand, I, um don't mind it." Bucky's eyes must be playing tricks on him, because he swore he saw Steve blush.
Bucky stares at him, letting his wrist stay in the other man's hand. His mouth feels dry all of a sudden as he tries to swallow up the lump in his throat. He takes a shaky breath, hoping Steve will say something because he can't, not until he knows for sure he is reading this situation right.
He watched Steve carefully drop his hand back into his lap, trying not to show the rush of disappointment that was flooding him as he dropped his eyes to his now vacant hand. But that disappointment was quickly cut off, as he felt the mattress shift, Steve was moving closer, pushing up the bed until he was right next to Bucky. His shoulder against the other man's now. So close that Bucky could smell the soap clean skin of Steve. He could just breathe him in. They sat close to each other for a while, Bucky staring straight forward, trying not to look at the man next to him, in fear give his face would give away everything he was feeling. How he wanted Steve to love him... be in love with him, how he wanted to just lay on his chest and let Steve shield him from all the bad dreams, like he wanted to just let Steve take care of him. And he would do all that for Steve. He could be his protector, lover, biggest supporter.
He practically jumps out of his skin when Steve breaks the silence, still staring ahead, like he was equally afraid to let Bucky see his face. He whispers "Do you want to maybe sleep in here, with me? Would that be alright?" His cheeks are glowing bright red."
Without thinking about it, Bucky quietly answers "Yes…I'd like that." His words are shaky as he turns towards the other man. He is nervous….but also hopeful. The most hope he has felt in a long time. He has hope that Steve may want what he wants.
Steve finally turns his head, blue eyes gazing into the equally blue eyes staring back. A smile spreads across his face, his fingers moving to push a few loose strands of Bucky's long hair out of his face, his fingers lingering against Bucky's skin for a little too long.
Bucky feels his breath hitch as he stares at Steve, feeling the warmth of Steve's hand rest on his cheek. He moves his hand over Steve's again, this time leaving it there, as he closes his eyes and tilts his head into the sensation. He hasn't felt this safe, this grounded since they were kids in Brooklyn, inseparable.
When he finally opens his eyes again, letting his own hand fall back down, while Steve leaves his, Steve is smiling like some love struck puppy. Bucky finds it endearing. He can't believe that look is for him...or maybe he could if he thought about it, because this isn't the first time Steve has looked at him like this.
This was the same look Steve gave him when he kicked that kid who hurt him and tried to ruin his birthday.
The look he would give him when Bucky would push him on the swing even though the other boys made fun of them.
The look he gave Bucky when Bucky refused to go on a date with a girl because he couldn't bring Steve around because the girl's friend wasn't interested.
The look Steve would give him when he would sneak into his bedroom at night through the window when Sarah was asleep, just to hold him when he was sick.
The look he gave Bucky when he had finally gotten him back by his side in the war after saving him.
The same look Steve gave him when Bucky finally remembered him years later.
It was the same look when he found out that Wakanda had helped him get full control of his mind back.
And it was the look Steve would give him as he would sit on the porch watching Bucky work in the yard, trying to hide what he was drawing but now Bucky knew better, suspected what he was probably drawing.
Steve had loved him for as long as he has loved Steve, and he couldn't believe neither of them had said anything before, both too scared. Bucky whispers "I...love you, Stevie…"
Steve starts to practically beam at Bucky. "Really?"
Bucky laughs at Steve's very Steve-like response. "Yea really, you punk."
"Good…I was worried I was misunderstanding this situation. I love you too, so, so much. You mean the world to me, my favorite person. And…." Steve's other hand makes it to the other side of Bucky's face. "And I would really like to kiss you...if that's okay?"
Bucky smiles again, Steve, always the gentleman, making sure to ask before just doing it. Bucky bites his lip before nodding, too afraid to speak again, worried this is just a dream And he was about to wake up.
But then Steve is leaning in, Bucky closes his eyes, and feels soft lips press against his. The kiss is chaste and sweet, and when Steve pulls away, he stays close, resting his forehead against Bucky's. He whispers "I've wanted to do that for so long, Buck…"
"Me too…" Bucky whispers back.
They stay like that for a while, just locked in their own world, before Steve pulls away, letting out a yawn. Bucky just registering that it is close to 4am now, his own eyelids now feeling heavy. He decides to be bold this time, making the first move. He pulls the blanket up that they had been sitting on. He crawls underneath, flipping it up to signal for Steve to join him. Steve smiles sleepily and happily obliges.
Steve lays down, lifting his arm on Bucky's side so that Bucky could come closer, laying his head on Steve's broad chest, with only a thin layer of cloth from his under shirt he was wearing to sleep in, separating him from skin. When Bucky is settled, arm draped over his abdomen, Steve wraps his arm around Bucky, running his fingers up and down the other's back lazily for a while.
Steve's fingers stop and Bucky realizes that the other man has fallen asleep, steady breaths coming from him. Bucky smiles, able to go to sleep himself now. He may not be ready to talk about his nightmares with Steve, or anyone, but this was a step, and Steve would be here next time he had one, because Steve will always be there.